http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5anLPw0Efmo&feature=related
The Earth has never seen such thing as my family.
Lord, forgive them, they dont know what they are doing.
I understand Jesus! I do.
My bolimia has roots in my childhood. My childhood equals to my family.
The entire life they have thought me to dedicate myself to the family. Family is something holy, family is something that doesnt let you down and when all the friends walk away, you still have the family, you only have one family. you need to spend with the family as much time as possible, no matter if you are 17 and you prefer hanging out with your friends, no matter what your desires are, family is the one, who should come first.
You are not allowed to stand up for yourself and fight for yourself, as that is highly disrespectful towards the family. You have no right to disagree, as that shows how you dont appreciate the family.
If no family, you wouldnt be where you are now.
Doesnt matter if you put your own fights, if they werent the way they were, you would be a junkie now or a whore, living under the bridge, so you better show respect and appreciate everything they did for you.
You are always wrong and family is always right.
Dont put your friends first, because there is a family to be first. Dont make any plans for weekends, as weekends should be dedicated to the family, no matter if actual mother and father arent around. When you grow up and you have your own life to live and your own laundry to do, never believe you can just come visit your family and rest in their house. You need to do the housework as you owe them so much anyway.
Never follow your dreams, as that would mean that eventually you will need to break the family-chain. Never give yourself any credit, since they are the ones, who brought you up the way you are.
Never show you are weak, because that dirty a family reputation. Never go left, if the whole world goes right, because that also dirty a family name. Follow the crowed, be a sheep, never stand out from the crowd, that makes you immature. Dont walk your own road, as that means you decided to turn your back to your family.
So many rules I have always followed. I never fit those rules though, which made my life much harder, my beliefs are different and I always disagreed in a first place, but always did how I was told.
But years went by and I still blindly followed those rules, refusing any other truth. Whoever told me "you family is weird!" i felt hurt.
my brain was totally washed.
When 22, I decided its time for me to change that bad habit.
Good news for my bulimia. I open the wounds, got vulnerable and after 2 years of very little vomiting, that bitch took control over me agani. This time even stronger, just like everytime after some break.
It sucked me into its dark world even more. Brought all the fears up, brought all the doubts up and brought that never ending self hate up again.
Last break I had before it came back last two beautiful years, when I was fighting with cancer. Same day they told me I am ok, and same they I stood up and believed "my life counts!!" bulimia had different plans for me. It was sure it will no matter how prove me my life is worth nothing!
Pills after pills, puking after puking and binging after binging.
It succeeded very fast. It shut me in my house and my perfect plan I will do some changes in my life regarding to my family and regarding to my life so sank like an old ship.
Then my boyfriend came along and changed couple of things and so I admitted to myself: I do have eating disorders and I better go on a rehab.
Rehab did change my life, not just in a way of recovering but also in a way of continue losing fight with my family.
I told them all I knew about why possibly I could have bulimia and the answer didnt suit them at all.
Every time I told them I feel caught with them, they said "oh, but you can do whatever you want now. No are an adult! we never did anything wrong!!" fuck off. why you are telling me this shit now?!??!?!
Where were you several years ago.
I told them I dont like the way they brought me up believing all people are bad. I told them I believe not all people are bad and my mom goes: "yah you are right!" whhhhhhhhhhhhat the fuck!!!! no, six months before that conversation she told me I shouldnt trust anyone and I shouldnt believe my boyfriend cares about me. there is no such thing as healthy relationship.
When I told them I believe everyone should stood up for hisself and walk his own path no matter what people think, she said: "oh yes, dont worry what people say!" aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!! breakdown!!!!! always,really always!!!!!!also today, the rule number one with my family is: "make sure everyone has good opinion about you and neighbors should believe you are perfect!!"
all the fucking life they were so low to believe this. I never did. I dont give a fuck what people think about me, at least not deep down. real me, doesnt care.
I spent last three months of my rehab just dealing with my family. such a hard work. and still, today, I dont seem like I learned anything.
its my fathers birthday today, and last weekend we ve been talking about what to give him as birthday present and also how we will all be at their place, having a picnic with my uncles, cousnts, auntis.... and so I canceled all my plans for the weekend like a good daughter should do and prepared myself fot spending weekend with lots of food and lots of people.
So there was Friday and I spoke to my mom and she just by the way told me my father is at the seaside and that she is leaving today. I lost it.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What a joke is that???
How on the Earth can you do this?? How about me and my respect? and my brothers respect?
how about that glory FAMILY!!! you taught me about family and made my life hell because of your stupid possessiveness, and look at you now....you dont give a fuck what your children think and want!!!!
You have no right to ever ever ever gain tell me one thing about my life!!!
you have no clue what life is and what respect it.
back off, am done with you!!!!!!
I will not any more think of their feeling too. they might be hurt if i dont come visit them but i seriously dont give a fuck!!! you guys just showed me how much you care about my feelings, so we are done!
I better see it for real, otherwise I am really retarded!!!
I better wake up!
I cried and felt so sick I made a plan how to buy pills and go vomit.
my body was shaking and I jsut couldnt believe this really had happened. I was probably more upset with myself because I let them win it again. I was upset how the fuck i didnt see it before. was it really so hard to see how hypocrite my family is. oh no, i remember seeing it but had hard times believing it.
well, i am not ashamed any more....my family is stupid and they are one the most hypocritical people one can meet. not just towards me, but towards everyone.
fuck it.
I am angry, really angry.
thank god for my boyfriend, i called him and told him i need to hear his voice. 10 minutes of talking saved me. I still wanted to vomit but there was a little little piece of him in my mind, just enought to chose go buy the dress for the day when he arrives!
and so I saved my ass from the toilet but not fromt he gross feeling i have.
my body is filled up with some odd feeling, something that i dont understand and that i want to take out.
Now I know why I have bulimia!
The Earth has never seen such thing as my family.
Lord, forgive them, they dont know what they are doing.
I understand Jesus! I do.
My bolimia has roots in my childhood. My childhood equals to my family.
The entire life they have thought me to dedicate myself to the family. Family is something holy, family is something that doesnt let you down and when all the friends walk away, you still have the family, you only have one family. you need to spend with the family as much time as possible, no matter if you are 17 and you prefer hanging out with your friends, no matter what your desires are, family is the one, who should come first.
You are not allowed to stand up for yourself and fight for yourself, as that is highly disrespectful towards the family. You have no right to disagree, as that shows how you dont appreciate the family.
If no family, you wouldnt be where you are now.
Doesnt matter if you put your own fights, if they werent the way they were, you would be a junkie now or a whore, living under the bridge, so you better show respect and appreciate everything they did for you.
You are always wrong and family is always right.
Dont put your friends first, because there is a family to be first. Dont make any plans for weekends, as weekends should be dedicated to the family, no matter if actual mother and father arent around. When you grow up and you have your own life to live and your own laundry to do, never believe you can just come visit your family and rest in their house. You need to do the housework as you owe them so much anyway.
Never follow your dreams, as that would mean that eventually you will need to break the family-chain. Never give yourself any credit, since they are the ones, who brought you up the way you are.
Never show you are weak, because that dirty a family reputation. Never go left, if the whole world goes right, because that also dirty a family name. Follow the crowed, be a sheep, never stand out from the crowd, that makes you immature. Dont walk your own road, as that means you decided to turn your back to your family.
So many rules I have always followed. I never fit those rules though, which made my life much harder, my beliefs are different and I always disagreed in a first place, but always did how I was told.
But years went by and I still blindly followed those rules, refusing any other truth. Whoever told me "you family is weird!" i felt hurt.
my brain was totally washed.
When 22, I decided its time for me to change that bad habit.
Good news for my bulimia. I open the wounds, got vulnerable and after 2 years of very little vomiting, that bitch took control over me agani. This time even stronger, just like everytime after some break.
It sucked me into its dark world even more. Brought all the fears up, brought all the doubts up and brought that never ending self hate up again.
Last break I had before it came back last two beautiful years, when I was fighting with cancer. Same day they told me I am ok, and same they I stood up and believed "my life counts!!" bulimia had different plans for me. It was sure it will no matter how prove me my life is worth nothing!
Pills after pills, puking after puking and binging after binging.
It succeeded very fast. It shut me in my house and my perfect plan I will do some changes in my life regarding to my family and regarding to my life so sank like an old ship.
Then my boyfriend came along and changed couple of things and so I admitted to myself: I do have eating disorders and I better go on a rehab.
Rehab did change my life, not just in a way of recovering but also in a way of continue losing fight with my family.
I told them all I knew about why possibly I could have bulimia and the answer didnt suit them at all.
Every time I told them I feel caught with them, they said "oh, but you can do whatever you want now. No are an adult! we never did anything wrong!!" fuck off. why you are telling me this shit now?!??!?!
Where were you several years ago.
I told them I dont like the way they brought me up believing all people are bad. I told them I believe not all people are bad and my mom goes: "yah you are right!" whhhhhhhhhhhhat the fuck!!!! no, six months before that conversation she told me I shouldnt trust anyone and I shouldnt believe my boyfriend cares about me. there is no such thing as healthy relationship.
When I told them I believe everyone should stood up for hisself and walk his own path no matter what people think, she said: "oh yes, dont worry what people say!" aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!! breakdown!!!!! always,really always!!!!!!also today, the rule number one with my family is: "make sure everyone has good opinion about you and neighbors should believe you are perfect!!"
all the fucking life they were so low to believe this. I never did. I dont give a fuck what people think about me, at least not deep down. real me, doesnt care.
I spent last three months of my rehab just dealing with my family. such a hard work. and still, today, I dont seem like I learned anything.
its my fathers birthday today, and last weekend we ve been talking about what to give him as birthday present and also how we will all be at their place, having a picnic with my uncles, cousnts, auntis.... and so I canceled all my plans for the weekend like a good daughter should do and prepared myself fot spending weekend with lots of food and lots of people.
So there was Friday and I spoke to my mom and she just by the way told me my father is at the seaside and that she is leaving today. I lost it.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What a joke is that???
How on the Earth can you do this?? How about me and my respect? and my brothers respect?
how about that glory FAMILY!!! you taught me about family and made my life hell because of your stupid possessiveness, and look at you now....you dont give a fuck what your children think and want!!!!
You have no right to ever ever ever gain tell me one thing about my life!!!
you have no clue what life is and what respect it.
back off, am done with you!!!!!!
I will not any more think of their feeling too. they might be hurt if i dont come visit them but i seriously dont give a fuck!!! you guys just showed me how much you care about my feelings, so we are done!
I better see it for real, otherwise I am really retarded!!!
I better wake up!
I cried and felt so sick I made a plan how to buy pills and go vomit.
my body was shaking and I jsut couldnt believe this really had happened. I was probably more upset with myself because I let them win it again. I was upset how the fuck i didnt see it before. was it really so hard to see how hypocrite my family is. oh no, i remember seeing it but had hard times believing it.
well, i am not ashamed any more....my family is stupid and they are one the most hypocritical people one can meet. not just towards me, but towards everyone.
fuck it.
I am angry, really angry.
thank god for my boyfriend, i called him and told him i need to hear his voice. 10 minutes of talking saved me. I still wanted to vomit but there was a little little piece of him in my mind, just enought to chose go buy the dress for the day when he arrives!
and so I saved my ass from the toilet but not fromt he gross feeling i have.
my body is filled up with some odd feeling, something that i dont understand and that i want to take out.
Now I know why I have bulimia!
No comments:
Post a Comment