chrisfuckingmas

with bulimia and screwed up family everyday is the worst day, but theres that magic time twice a year when worst get even more worst, and those are two holidays: Christmas and ester.
now I am dealing with Christmas.

I hate Christmas!

This is the time when the family gets together and we all have days off, which means more unlimited time to fight and hate eachother.

So much tension, so much bad mood, so much nasty words....

and all is happening around food.
that's the only thing that matters in our family....food.
no spirit, no kindness, no politeness, no warmth, no love...
coldness.

eat food and go back to your nest.
less we see eachother more chance there is to not fight.

This years mood killer is my mother.
long face, no patience, pushy all the time, scheduled to the minute for dinner/lunch/breakfast/lunch/dinner/ ... she hates my dad my dad hates her.

she sucks me in with her mood, I cant help myself, I cant ignore it, I never know how to ignore it. she is so bitter and so grumpy.

then theres my grandma, she loves me though, but my mom hates her and so does my dad. I don't know why they even bother bringing her over.
she is an old heavy smoker, so she coughs all the time so much it makes you sick. yucky.
that pisses my mom off and it makes my dad say nasty words to her, like the most primitive person on planet earth. no respect, no love, no politeness.

my brother keeps away with his girlfriend, which I don't blame him for, but I find it unfair that he has all the freedom I have never had.

my dogs cute though, and my fiancée is just so nice to me. I am happy to have him with me this Christmas, he keeps me sane.

the rest of the family is driving me insane.
soooooooo many unneeded stupid comments, so many even stupider questions, such like :" what are you doing?" I hate thisone the most!!!
"where are your slippers?" "why are you serious?" "are you hungry?" "where are you going?" "when are you coming?" on and on and on........................................................................................................
just leave me bloody alone!

the problem is I don't know how to protect myself.
I simply don't. I don't just go out or call a friend and go for a coffee... I have been trained to stick around at all times.

my brothers gone most of the day, but here I am.
absorbing all the shit going on in here.

the most it hurts the hate between my mom and dad.
and the primitive behaving!

that one hurts!

its blurry around me.
I shut down. I down wanna hear. I don't wanna see. I don't wanna speak. I don't wanna smell!

I don't exist!

I am gone!

  I cant listen. I cant take one more comment. one more word. I don't care what you are going to do next. jst do it. don't stress about! just bloody do it. Don't complain. don't comment. be nice. be kind. love. respect. BE WARM!!

You are sucking all of life out of me.. so fast.
hasn't been 24 hours sonce I ve been here, and I am all lost and empty.
I don't exist anymore.

this is not me.

the volume is turned down.

my grandma is the most disgusting person you can meet with the cough of hers.
it is one thing that still comes through the shield of mine.
it shakes me.
it just shook me now.

the rest I don't hear.

I hate every day I am here. they are so lost. they are so broken.
it hurts my soul how broken they are and I know they will die before it crosses their minds to do something about it....like get divorced, change your habits, try something new..



 so broken.