slabo cez dobro

tecna sm, nenaspana in te sosedi spet nabijajo ko fukneni. vsa tecna in nepriseba bi si rada skuhala kavo, pa ni vode. grem v trgovino po vodo in v dvigalu vidim sporocilo: "zaradi renovacije tega in tega stanovanja stanovanja v casu med 10 in 12 danes ne bo vode, hvala za razumevanje!" you must be fucking kidding me. A note!?!?! A simple fucking NOTE!!!
"vi samo nehite nabijat vsako jutro pa bo ok.hvala za razumevanje!" sm napisala zravn in sla po vodo.
ni lepo, ni prou ja ok.....ampak ce so v stanju nabit samo listek v dvigalo po ze tko 14 dneh konsktantnega nabijanja od 730 do 330, z edinim prestankom ob 10h ko majo verjetno malco...i can get bitchy too.
dol mi vis.
ja, kaj delam doma cele dneve....em nevem, ni mi gud. lajf se mi obraca, sama seb se obracam na kozlanje mi gre in nimam vec potrpljeja s tem rehabom!
zmesal se mi bo se ce ne bodo stvari kmal umirile.
vsak pofukan trenutek je neka drama v mojem svetu. sovrazm lepe trenutke ker te samo izzovejo bolecino!
puste me pr meru. nocm se vec it tega. mam 3 ure dobrega pocutja pa 18 ur totalnega sranja zarad teh treh ur. jebi se. spala bi. ta kreten od bulimije oz kreten od ego, kdorkoli se pac spomne da me bo drku celo noc, me je drzu po konc celoooo noc! dobesedno celo pofukano noc. za kazn ker sm se mela good popoldan, sm mogla celo noc premlevat zakaj sem trenutno na tej tocki v zivljenju ko sm, zakaj so moji starci taki, zakaj se jim pustim, zakaj se nism ze koj pr 15ih uprla, zakaj se nism uceri uprla? zakaj se jim sploh ne upiram? zakaj se je moj brt tko spremenu? zakaj sm tko neodkrita? zakaj je svet krut in zakaj sm nardila stvari, k sm jih nardila?kaj ce nic od tega ni res? zakaj sm slab clovek? zakaj sm s tem fantom, kaj ce ni iskren? zakaj je on z mano, kaj ce si ga ne zasluzm? zakaj sm taka do ljudi? zakaj sm depresivna? zakaj mam bulimijo? kako nadaljevat z zdravljenjem? ce. zakaj grem dans spet do svojih ceprou nocem? zakaj me lahko s tako lahkoto izigrajo? zakaj sm tko zategnena in ne spontana? zakaj mi stevilke tolk pomenjo? zakaj je pomembno kolk tehtam in ne kolk se pocutm? zakaj sm se rodila sploh? kaj ce nebi zivela vec? kdo sm? kaj sm? kaj pomeni biti ziv? zakaj nism srecnejsa? zakaj nism drugacna? zakaj mi gre na zivce vrocina in zakaj ne jem pekoce hrane? zakaj tolk dvomim v vse ljudi? zakaj vrjamem da so doloceni ljudje zahrbtni? zakaj sm lubosumna? zakaj sm jezna? zakaj se pocutm osamljeno? zakaj sm grda? zakaj sm lena? zakaj nc ne pocnem? zakaj ne berem vec knjig? zakaj sm tko zabita? zakaj se nism diplomerala? acigavo zivljenje zivim? a bom sploh kdaj ok? kaj ce nikol ne bom ok, ne nikol ne bom ok? kako nej zbrisem dolocene ljudi iz tipouga zivljenja? kako nj zbrisem dolocene ljudi iz bratovega zivljenja in iz svojga zivljenja? zakaj nimam trohice zaupanja vase? zakaj se ne spostujem? zakaj se nimam rada? zakaj se vedno obesim na negativno? zakaj ne vidm vec lepote v svetu? zakaj sm tko ujeta? zakaj nabijam ta fejsbuk skoz? zakaj sm tak kontrol frik? zakaj ne dam miru in se sprostim? zakaj sm tko stran os sebe? zakaj me nc ne navdusi? zakaj sm tko pasivna? and so on, an so fuking on..................do sestih zutri, 6.08 je zadnja ura ki se je spomnem...zaspala, sanjala o sluzbi in guess what....se zbudila ob 745!! ker nabijajo sosedje!
povozena sm poklicala fanta: no  luck! gledala sex v mestu the movie, se mal zamisla nad zunanjo lepoto, poklicala fanta se enkrat: no luck! gledala naprej sex v mestu. se zgrazala nad sarah jessica paarker kako slaba igralka je. tecnarla sama sebi in se skusala otrest teh temnih, negativnih misli, da nc nima smilsa.
da sm pateticna in da nc dobrega ni zarad mene na svetu. jezna sm sama nase. jezna na vse. vse mi gre na zivce. zakaj vse lepo zbledi v trenutku?????? zakaj se cez dan dva...teden, mesec..... ko mi glava streze z grdim, nemorem zaplavat v sladko preteklost, se spomnt na lepe trenutke, se spomnt, da je vse ok, in vrjet v to!
ne!! jst se skusam spomnt na kj lepega, pa me se bolj uzge po glavi: those days are gone, honey! you not worth it!!! that was all just fake!!! you dont deserve any honesty. face it! no-one loves you! you are a Z-E-R-O! zero!
in s takimi mislimi zivim iz minute v minuto.
nc ni vecno pr men, nc ne more trajat. ce me je meu fnt rd en teden nazaj in sm to vrjela, zakaj zdj vrjamem, da so ti dnevi mimo in da si je premislu, da zdj je pa ja dojeu, da sm funkena in samo fejka!
ja, vem, zato k mam resne mentalne probleme, ampak I want it to stop!!!!!
naj lepo traja mal dlje?
kako si odpustit?
iscem nacin, kako si odpustit.
uceri sm sred noci pisala mail blog prijateljici in ji povedala stvari, za katere ni slisala se nobena ziva dusa! moj nacin iskanja odpuscanja, pomoje.
nevem. ampak dokler si ne odpustim, sama seb, nemorem it naprej. nemorem!
pocutim se, ko da sm vrzena nekam v leden ocean, in se trudim prit vn ziva. komi diham in nemorm vec mlatit z rokami, nog ne cutim sploh, in obala je tko dalec stran. sonce sije in galebi me obletavajo, spodbujajo me, naj nadaljujem.....jst pa obupujem. bojim se, da bom zaspala in potonila. utrujena sm.
in vse kar rabim je odpuscanje sama sebi.
leave me alone!

beauty in me

ha, what a funny day.
woke up more tired than before the bed, my neighbors renovating their apartment is now much fun, every morning at 7.30 I ask out loud: "can I sue them for the noise they make every fucking morning? Isnt 7.30 a bit too early??!" oh well, all grumpy I made myself a coffee and my day took off when my amazing boyfriend called me.
Gosh I love that man and finally accepting the fact that he loves me too, is something I have dreamed about all my life. That I will be well enough to let myself be loved and respected by the man of my dreams.
That doesnt sound cheezy, does it?
After our inlove skype hang out, there spoke that cold, dark voice up: "It is not true. You are not worth it!"
For some reason I am trying to take care of myself, since I promised that to my boyfriend before he left, so I told the voice to fuck of and put the "Yes, Dear!" program on. haha call me lame, but funny so called time wasting program pretty much wasnt time-wasting but it turned out to be very good therapy.
Had lunch, ate half of it as bulimia wanted something for return to leave me alone, so didnt finish. Was 1.30pm when wanted to get ready for the workshop I signed in for, at the "safe house" I had my group therapies. it was art-psychological workshop, getting to know your feeling towards your family trough the art. I really wanted to attend but last minutes my bulimia asked me to cancel it. Bitch. she almost got it. but as I am in not very active mode at the moment, I just "fuck her off" again and said: give me a break, am going!!
Its not sort of power, is just I am not in the mood to go deeper to my feelings at the moment.
Was hard to pick up clothes, after all I made it and left.
it was pretty empty feeling, didnt feel much. was still half asleep! disliked the fact being alive.
Made it to the "safe house" where it once again got proved why its called the "safe house!"
had a chat with my ex therapiest, felt so strange she wanted to talk as in my world with my rules she shouldnt, as I let her down.
Oh well, apparently not all people take everything that personally and not all people call you "evil person" if you do something good for your own self. thats not very common in my world, well, Im learning about it with my relationship now, but my friends are more like: "hey, sorry, am not gonna make it, am tired!"  "oh, damn you!" but more than my friends is about my family.
actually, its just about my family. Again!
Where do I get those thoughts from?? From my family!
It showed up im going to be the only one at the workshop and that was fine with me. i did feel good there.
did some painting and some coloring and so a psychologist analyzed my work. noting very impressive since most of it I already new. but still.
there was over an hour left and the therapist started chatting again,asking me thing and so I opened up.
Was talking about my feelings, about my feeling towards family, about my fear of ending up alone if I really get to cut my family from my life a bit, how the world would collapse and nothing, and I mean it -nothing, would make any sense without them. They are ones who brought me up to life, gave me life, gave me food, gave me roof above my head, thery are the one to be respected.
Do I really believe I am not able to live without them? Hell NO!
I know I am able to live without them, even better!! but I couldnt live with that feeling of guilt that I so badly let them down. and here comes the blessing of psychiatrists and therapists and psychologists.... they all tell me the same: "Honey, this is not you, this is your mather and your father talking trough you!"
Yes they are.
They also say: "Its alright, all the life on the earth you have been listening you dont show any respect just because you trying to live your own life!! you have been listening you are not good person and not able to take care of yourself, you need them to help you...this is their message trough their actions!!.....you need a lot of encouraging and warm words now to slowly shut that voice of them down! and no-one said its going to be easy! there is a voice of bulimia and there is a voice of your parents. it takes hell of a time and effort but you are doing it great!"
 I got so much warmth and so many positive affirmations that when left, I felt awesome. I felt like only my boyfriend can make me feel: accepted, respected, loved and appreciated just the way I am!

Made it home and started thinking, how luck I am to be so respected by workers in the safe house that they did take time knly for me and did their best at that time to make me feel good and help me! I felt awesome and special. I felt beautiful and I felt fearless. I felt like I understand it even more now, and I am going to make it. I felt honest.
Feeling good ofcourse means wake up call for bulimia and so she woke up and reminded me, I am not awesome, I am just piece of crap and big mess. I only feel good because I got so much attention, how lame is that!

WAIT A MINUTE!!!
you are so right, bulimia!!
I did feel good because I got all that attention and I do feel good with my boyfriend, but he gives me the most attention of all!
yes, it is true that with all those psychiatrists and therapists and psychologists and brilliant boyfriend I do get enough of warmth and positive words to actually feel good!!
I may have "lack-of-attention-syndrome" but it makes perfect sense. Again: for whole my life I have never got the REAL, TRUE attention. I always get the audience and lots of applause, but never anything honest.
sure, everynow and then there is a "best friend" in my life that makes me feel "whole", but I cant own them, plus in my experience so far - best friends come and go! fut "family" stays. and by family I dont mean mother and father..... I mean soulmate. And allthis time I have been souldmatefree! now I have my boyfriend and with him I am experience the beauty of "being myself!" and so do I experience it with my doctors, if only I could ignore the fact I pay them for this.
But my point is: When I was a little girl, growing up, I never experienced   the beauty of myself with my parents leading me trough this life.

It was always about them and never about me.
It was always about what people will think, how I hurt them and disrespect them, It was always about some values that I didnt even understand..... but never aout how do I really feel about something. do i really want it? do i really like it? does it make me happy?
no, they always knew whats the best for me....and they still do!

well, it will stop soon, since there must be some beauty in "being me!"

thinking loud

Here I am... at my place, with very empty stomach, no fat legs, no fat ass, not hungry not full, not thirsty but still.........very shitty, empty, even more empty, guilty, stinky, purposeless, meaningless, lonely.
Here I am, alone with my own self, my the worst enemy, evil witch.
Here I am, destroying my consonance, destroying my soul, looking deep into my being, feeling sick from what I see.
Feeling nobody.
Ne vidm smila, nevem kaj je narobe z mano, rada bi odgovore, osamljena sm, pogresam fanta, nocem pocet stvari brez njega, nemorem spat, ponoc se zbujam, iscem ga, pogresam ga. ne smejim se, samo obstajam, rada bi necemu res pripadala, da bi mi blo lazi zdj, pa se nocem nicemur predajat. predno je fnt sou, sm mu mogla oblubt, da bom se zaposlila s stvarmi in se bom cuvala. cuvala sm se do uceri zvecer, pol so pa moji dam prsl in so vse stresl, moje emocije in moj mir. presejkal so me. in zdj se pobiram nazaj.
a se res tko pocutm a sam na njih valim  vse. mogoce sm sam fuknena, bi me mogl u norisnco zapret pa bi dala mir. mogoce nebom nikol zdrava.
vsa ta upanja k jih mam, da mi gre na bolse, vsi te zagoni, veselje.....kva ce je vse to igra moje glave, kaj ce ne prhajam k seb in to dejansko nism jst ampak samo manija. kaj ce jst sploh ne obstajam in obstaja samo depresivna jst in manicna jst, nobena pa ni resnicna jst.
kaj ce je vs ta zagon k sm ga cutla par dni nazaj sam fake?
Kva ce na napacnem mestu iscem odgovore?
edini pesn k ga ta trenutk cutm je potreba po pisanju. vse ostalo zgleda tko neresnicno. dons sm se zjokala k sm fanta slisala, pogresam ga. res ga.
zakaj se mi zdi, da je dans vse tko v crno ovito.
sploh ne znam opisat obcutka, najblizi vsemu je ko recem da sm prazna. ampak nism prazna ker sm pouna enih misli.
mislm na to kaj je smisu lajfa, na moje zdravljenje, na moje stanje.
kva ce se mi ne bo dal nc, pa sola se bo zacela cez 14 dni. zacnem delat ful time, kaj ce mi ne bo slo. kaj ce sm se vedno pocasna in mi bo vse skup dopizdl?
Strah me je lotevat se cesarkoli, ker do zdj se NOBENE stvari u zivljenju nism spelala do konca.... NOBENE!!! osnovno solo pa gimnazijo, thats it. ok educational plan I have, te stvari z diplomo me ne ganejo tolk ker vem kaj hocem, amppak nobene stvari nism spelala se do konca.
nemogoce je, da bom zdrzala ful time job v soli z otroki s posebnimi potrebami, jst NIKOL ne zdrzim rutine!!!! Sovrazm rutino. kaj ce bom sovrazla ustajat vsako jutro zato da bom delala 8 ur.fak. kaj ce se nism prpravlena.

jst nobene besede ne drzim, karkol recem, nikol ni tko. name se ne mors zanest. recem eno, nardim drugo. nism glih clovk na mestu. vroce mi je, grem pod tus. to jebeno poletje!!!!

nism sla pod tus sla sm pit vodo in pospravt posodo. se vedno se pocutm ko velikonocn cokoladn zajck, cokoladn pa votu, ce se zlom smrcek, se cel razdrobi.
dans sm ze jokala, mogoce ne bom vec. neki mi manka. zakaj vedno znova padem v stare vzorce ko sm pr svojih. mislm to mi je psihiatrinja rekla, da to tko je, da sploh druzina je vedno mocnejsa, in da obstajajo primeru, ko se odvisniki prakticno cist ozdravjo, pol pa pridejo domou in padejo nazaj v stare vode. nevem kako me tko razvrednotjo. pa sploh nc ne nardijo, sam tm so. pocutm se k nula. samo za zazgat sm! sovrazm se. na zivce si grem, nimam nobenga smisla, nc dobrga na tem svetu ni zarad mene.
ko sm sama, mi gre bols, vrjamem da sm ok, da bom zmogla, vidm smisu vidm prihodnost, veselim se, smejim se, iskrena sm, govorim resnico, sprejemam, dajem, nakulirana sm, ne tezim, odprta sm, za stvar sm, jem in pijem z manj slabe vesti, vse je lazi.

sploh mi je vsec ta del z iskrenostjo, postenostjo, odprtostjo. dobr clovek sm.
znam bit dobr clovek.
sm se cuvala ceu vikend vse je slo ok, so prsli domou prvo kar sm nardila sm se zaprla vase in zacela jest. na sreco mam kul bratranca da sm ga loh poklicala naj me pele vn.....since then, nothing was the same :S
strah me je bit "jst" z njimi okol. nikol ni nc okej, vedno se samo prlagajam njim in jim govorim, kar hocjo slisat. tko hinavska sm, ce pa kj prevec zinem me pa pozre slaba vest al pa me kdo nakrul da nej ne bom zoporna in zivcna.

all i want is to leave freely, honestly and lies-free!!
truth is one of the best freedom tools. well, truth is not my thing, am just getting used to it. theres only few people that am honest with, one is my boyfriend, one is my cousin and one friend. lol and the psychiatrist who is anyway paid to take all the truth from my mouth.
well, i am learning now....it is not about how truthful Im towards other people but its about how truthful I am towards my own self.............which I honestly: AM NOT!!!

Not in a good way not in a bad way, i lie to myself allllll the time: i dont tell the truth when it comes to the compliments, I dont tell the truth when it comes to the dark side of me.
I tried today, I even promised myself I will talk to my doctor about it......haha honestly: I thinik I will shit my pants and just keep those blinds on my eyes for a bit longer.
I knw as long as I dont face it, it wil torture  me.
Mi je voda tekla v grlo, sm si dovolila take velke oblube postavit, se je voda mal umirila in sm uspela dol pogoutnt vse, sm se ze premisla.

ko sm pr svojih, nikol ne grem na stranisce, tut zdj te dnii nism sla, in sm na poti nazaj domou delala plan kako bom kupila odvajala, pa sm se nekje na pol poti odlocila, da bom nezna do sebe in bom samo odvajalni sirup suhih/zlatih sliv kupila v lekarni (jebes pravila da se tega ne kupuje, dons sm si postavla novo pravilo: kao se je treba scistit malo wtf) ampk sm v trenutku, ko sm prsla domou, sla na stranisce in se konkretno spraznla. ker sm se pocutla ok, sm se odlocla, da sirupa ne bom kupla, in je bulimija znorela. poslala me je v pekarno po rogljicek, no sm jo spet malcek za j. in sm kupla sam enga, pa me je poslala se v trgovino po cokolado, pa se mi ni cokolada jedla in sm kupla frutke, pa se to tamale, ker so bli svinsko dragi. na poti do stanovanja se ji je cist snel, se je zacela name drt v dvigalu kako sm debela. da ce mislm da sm srala, da sm pa kj lepsa k pa uceri (aam, pardon me, but YES I am!! vampk je ocitno manjsi) in da sm itak neokusna in grda, z lukanmi v zobih in da me noben ne mara.

sm pojedla frutek in pol roglica, pa sm sla se enkrat na wc, pol je pa dala mir. mal me je setala po stanvanju gor in dol in hoce da nej zacnem plavat v bazenu vsaj 1x na teden...in da si kupm kolo in se zacnem furat s kolesom v sluzbo (25km/dan) pa zdj nevem al je samo polna idej al me hoce zjebat. plavanje nebi bla taka slaba ideja, da se soocim s svojim telesom v javnosti (poleti se vedno hodim okrog z dolgimi hlacami) in se koza bo mal zadihala pa ne bo tolk bleda in suha....ampak se bojim da ti ni njen plan, bojim se, da me hoce osramotit pred javnostjo, ko bom prkorakala do bazena bela in celulitasta, z zamascenim trebuhom. tut to s kolesom mi smrdi. blo bi lustno vsaj 1x na tedn se zapelat v sluzbo s kolesom, ampak spet se bojim, da me bulimija samo hoce vojasko ganjat, da bom shujsala.

a je bulimija primarna motnja in je vse ostalo posledica, al sm pa tolk zblojeno bolana da je bulimija sam posledica dejstva, da se ne znam spopadat s stvarmi u zivljenju??
to je moje uprasanje dneva.
kva ce sm jst se bl bouna k pa "samo" bulimija?? bulimija je motnja, lahko bom se ozdravla te motnje, ampak kva ce sm retardirana in nebom nikol kul in bom vso svojo zalost prenesla na svoje otroke (k mi jih bog v tem primeru verjetno sploh ne bo dau!)

Have to leave for good!!!

I have to leave my parents nest. I must!
I do bad things here.
Very bad!
It is slowing me down from my recovering and I dont like it.
It is very very bad environment here. I get the worst I can ever get. It is so disguising.
Here, I have reason to hate myself, as I really am not a good person.
bad, very bad I am!!
Never told the whole truth, probably never will, but guilt is awful.
I have to leave this place.
Never come back. So not good for me..
Makes me an awful person.
It is not my fault.
With my family around, I lose myself, get the worse, get a bitch, with nasty thoughts and deeds.
My bulimia comes out no matter how good I have been feeling days/weeks before.
Its always here. Always.
I cant sleep, I have terrible nightmares, bulimia calls me FAT, im losing me teeth in my dreams, I am covered with my own shit, I stink and I am ready to leave the Earth  because Im too disgust to exist. I am a shame for the society, I am a shame for human beings.

I have to find the way to forgive my self and move on!
No matter if I do good work, it is all meaningless with my dark side!
Help me.
God. Universe. Whoever can forgive me and give me strength, please. I am ready to stop being disguising person.


 

waking up.

waw never thought I will get there but always wanted to reach those worlds: Havent been around becasue I have been busy living!!

After my last break down episode, life was pretty good.
Cutila sem!! Cutim!!!
Ziva sem!!!!
Bla sva v kocevskem rogu, zjokala sm se ker sm cutla zivljenje v gozdu, spet sm bla sposobna objet drevo, uzivat v vonju zivljenja, se ne prtozvat nad svicanjem medtem ko sm porivala svoje orjasko telo v klanec, smejala sm se na glas, tekla od jase do jase ko en zgublen otrok, se predajala soncu in sepetala, da nebi motila narave, ljubila sm svojga fanta, cenila dejstvo, da sva skupaj, pojedla sm kosilo sred pragozda brez da bi stela kalorije, sexala brez da bi se obracala okrog ce me bo kdo vidu in se bom osramotila, hodila sem po dezju in najbol mi je blo, cutila sem dez in fanta! cutila sm zivljenje. naslednji dan sva sla v bosno, prezivela vikend z malimi cigancki, obcudovala sem jih bolj ko karkoli, obcudovala sm glow svojega fanta, cist sm se zatrapala v njega, kako so ga mel vsi radi in so ga sprejel ko da je kak bog. jedla sm, pila sm pivo in rakijo, ko se mi je oglasila debela bulimija, sm ji rekla: "sm ti rekla da bo tko, preziveli bova ta vikend. mir mi daj!" no, predno sm prsla v bosno, sm mela totaln break down (te se konstantno dogajajo ampak so dnevne epizode, se ne zavlecejo v teden, dva in jih laze obvladam) ....
zbudila sem se super, navdusena nad najinim naslednjim tripom, ampak mala tezavica: prevoz sva imela z mojim dvema. ko se je priblizeval trenutek odhoda in se prej mojega pakiranja, sm zacela kricat in jokat da sm debela, da sm ogabna in da ne grem nikamor taka. jokala sm da sm se cez noc zredila vsaj pet kil. fantu ni blo nc jasno, tko dobesedno nc, ker sm se v roku 15 minut totalno spremenila. ko sm se napakirala - (kasneje sm ugotovila, da se ubistvu nisem napakirala, nism mela ene konkretne stvari za oblect s sabo, samo dolge, ponosene crne obleke, fuj) - sm si nadela svoj nov "julia roberts" klobuk, ki ma po nekem brutalnem naklucju dobr vpliv na moj attitude...in sva sla. pred blok cakat prevoz. hitela sem in vlekla fanta za sabo, da je ne bova zamudila minute, ker je moja mati rekla odhod ob 11h. zivcna, res zivcna sem jo 10 cez 11 klicala kje sta, in mi rece, da prideta cez pou ure ker sta sla v avtopralnico! WTF!?
snel se mi je! kr tm pred vsemi so se mi ulile souze. obcutek, ki mi ga mojedva dajeta, da morm bit tocna, spostljiva, vedno na mestu....onedva pa ne jebeta pet posto!!!?!?!
ant me je objeu in reku... "shhh!! doesnt matter. we are together, and thats all that mattters!! lets go have a beer!!" ko sva stopla v lokal nasproti bloka, so prakticno vsi moski, ki so bli v tistem trenutku tm, odlozil pivo in me pogledal. "Gospodicna eleganca!" mi je en reku. haha gospodicna eleganca lol jst s svojim cabi telesom, debelimi nogami in nizko postavo, smena ko hruska sm...sm gospodicna eleganca...seriously!!?!
komplimenti se niso dotaknl mojga ega in moj fnt mi je reku "see, everywhere you go, people notice you.!" me je ponosno objel in mi prtisnu lupcka.
moja douga faca pa je padla do kolen, vse kar mi je hodil po glavi ej kako me lahko mojedva tko obracata, delata kar hocta men pa tezita in jst se pustim!
Se ko sva pila pivo, sm se vsa zivcna obracala nazaj, da ja nebi zamudila.
Ko sva koncno stopla v avto, se je mami obrnla nazaj in me pogledala, ko da je vidla zirafo v avtu, ni vedla a nej se smeji al nej lovi sapo. "ojoj, tole ti pa ne pase!" mi je rekla, ko je vidla klobuk. "postara te, pa smesna si!" wtf!!!!!!!!?!!? tut atiju ni biu klobuk vsec, bojda sm ga prevec nabila naprej ?!?!?!
no, kljub bolecini, k sm jo cutla, sm lahko tolk trmarla, da sm se 4 ure vozila s klobukom na glavi, tko da vsakic ko se je okol obrnla, je vidla kako smesna sm s klobukom.
no, ko smo bli enkrat vn iz avta in sva sla s fantom po svoje, je blo vse lazi, ampak vsakic ko smo se srecal, sta prebudila mojo bulimijo. kukrkol.
po bosni sva pa sibala na najin prvi skok s padalom.
aaaa!!! so ql.
mam prjatla, k profesionalno skace s padalom, pa sm mu sam rekla, dabi sla midva s fantom skoct in je vse organizeru po najkrajsi mozni poti in tko sva cez noc sla skoct s padalom. pogresala sm adrenalin in nagle odlocitve!!! mela sva popoln dan.
vsi dnevi so bli popolni, sej pravm, vsak dan ena ura drame, valda, ampak me ni unicla, ker sm po drugi strani cutla stvari, zavedala sm se kaj se dogaja z mano in z mojim popolnim fantom so stvari precej bolj enostavne.
mislm da mal cutm, da me obozuje :)
such a pleasant feeling to be loved!
seveda sm po zadnji epizodi dvotedenske drame sla direkt nazaj na terapije, ceprou sm mela neko idejo v glavi, da v casu, ko mam tuki fanta, ne bom hodila na terapije, tko da sva lahko mal bol frej, ampak ja, se je po strnajstih dneh izkazal da to ni dobra ideja.
rada mam svoje zivljenje, kmal bom cutla se vec.
Im on my way up!!!
fnt me je nafilu z upanjem, z entuziazmom, z ljubeznijo, z vero vame....pravi, da sem lepa zenska, sposobna, da morm nadaljevat s pisanjem knjige za otroke, ko bo on sou nazaj na novo zelandijo pravi, da morm na igralski tecaj in da morm spet plesat......ves ta potencial vid v meni, in me je dvignu, komi cakam, da bom vse to pocela.
ze samo da recem "komi cakam" mi srce zacne razbijat....ze doug casa nism cutla tega, nekega navdusenja, nekega pricakovanja....
sploh ne znam povedat, ampak deep down cutm zivljenje. cutm da zmorem. cutm da sm sposobna in da bo ful zabavno!
DEEP DOWN cutm, kasn naredk sm nardila v enem letu odkar sm na zdravljenju.
ja, se vedno se vsak dan borim z bulimijo, se vedno je prisotna v vsakem trenutku, se veno me unicuje in mi govori, da sem grda in debela, nesposobna in da smrdim. zadnjic mi je rekla, da sm grda ko zaba! ?!?! kr neki, bizarne zgodbe mi prodaja in ni lahko zivet tko da vrjames, da si grd ko zaba. tolk vrjamem, da se zovrazim.
ampak nekje nekako samo cutim upanje, cutim prihodnost.
ni da mi trga in da sm back on a track,ampak cutim in spostujem svoje stanje bolj.
ja mam bulimijo, ampak zarad tega se nism najslabsi clovek na svetu. vse bo ok.

now off to pray that this hope last long!

Bulimija in ljubezen

Been down again.
Ego has been playing tricks on me.
Lots have been happening with me these weeks.
Oh well.
Fnt je prsu iz nove zelandije, why a bliss aye.
not quite so.
Moji glavi se je dobesedno zmesal. Glas v glavi mi je takoj prvi dan reku, da me bo fnt pustu, ker sm gnila, in tolk sm mu vrjela, da sm prvi teden najinega reuniona porabila samo za to, da mi je sou model na zivce. Pol, ko sm koncno dosegla point, ko sm si rekla, da mi je zdj vseen ce koncava, se mi je pa zmesal.
sla sva na en mini euro trip po hrvaski, franciji, nemciji, italiji in madzarski.
Kriza se je zacela ze na hrvaskem, ko sva obiskala neke druzinske prjatle. Seveda so ga vsi sprejeli in ga krstili z neomejeno kolicino rakije in vina, in v trenutku ko sm ga vidla pijanega me je vrglo 3 leta nazaj, ko sem bla pri njih na obisku z bivsim fantom, ki se je prav tako napil, ampak on je presegu vse meje, nazru se je tolk da je pokozlou celo hiso (dobesedno) in komi sm ga ohranla pr zivljenju, ker je kar naprej tisu glavo v svoje kozlanje. poleg tega da me je grozno osramotil, sem takrat prestajala eno izmed nesteto hudih vnetij ledvic, in sem brisala njegovo kozlanje s 40 vrocine. tisti vecer je bil za naju poguben, kmalu za tem sva koncala. moji mozgani so to povezali s trenutnim fantom in verjela sem, da me sramoti in da bova koncala. ne fer do njega, vem, ampak tisti trenutek sem bla zgubljena. ko sem se zavedala, da ga sovrazim zaradi iskusnje s svojim bivsim fantom, si nisem mogla odpustit in sm padla v drug ekstrem, ko sem ga prosila za odpuscanje in mu kazala bolano pozornost in naklonjenost. bogemu fantu ni bilo nic jasno, amak meni je blo jasno, da se je kriza zacela.
med vecerjo je debata tekla o debelosti in o hit dietah (vsi vejo za mojo bulimijo) in nemocna sem podlegla glasu v glavi, ki je krical: "vids prasica debela, vsi hujsajo samo ti se naziras da te ni sram!" naslednji dan sva letela v pariz in oba s fantom sva upala, da se mi bo stanje izbolsalo, a se so bekterije v mozganih ze razmnozile. sebe in fanta sem kruto morila "look, she is skinny. look she is skinny. look, she is skinny.look, she is skinny.look, she is skinny.look, she is skinny.look, she is skinny.look, she is skinny.look, she is skinny.look, she is skinny.look, she is skinny.look, she is skinny. ...... " napumpani mozgani z mislimi, da so vse suhe in jst edina zemljanka grdo debela, so se seveda zacele tudi nocne more. vedno znova sem v sanjah koncala s svojim fantom, ker sem debela in smrdim. naslednje jutro sem se zbudila z vrocino in kozlarija se je zacela. cel dan sem bila na wcju, kozlala in srala. naslednji dnevi so bili grozni, sploh ko je blo treba kaj pojest. ze od nekdaj drzim tradicijo, da kamorkoli pridem, najprej poskusim pivo. tudi tokrat ni bilo nic drugace, ampak me je pa ego tako unicu, da sem se en dan ostala doma v sobi, vsa presrana in prekozlana. "prasica debela, a ves kako pivo redi! in se tavelkega si narocila? kaj ti ni jasno. namest da bi stradala, se ti naziras s pivom, oblubila si mi, da v parizu ne bos jedla nic!!!"
bogi moj fant mi je nosil roze, spodbudilna pismeca, skrbel zame in me tolazil, pa se mu niti sanjalo ni, da ga caka meteor v nemciji.
v nemciji sva obiskala njegovo prijateljico. zelo gostoljubna, prijazna oseba. ampak mene je zadelo.... po 30ih minutah v nemciji sem zatezila fantu: "zakaj si tako vesel, z mano nisi nikoli tako vesel. brezveze. krneki!" na sreco me je uspel ignorirat ampak ko sva se ulegla v posteljo, se je mojemu egu zmesalo in mu je povedal vse kar mu gre: "jst nism dost dobra zate. prosm, ce si pametn, se pober stran od mene dokler je se cs. nemorem ti bit dobra punca, samo tezim ti in kdo na svetu hoce bit z bulemicno punco. samo nesrecnega te bom nardila, jst sm grda in dolgocasna, bedna in se smrdim (Egova nova fora, bojda zelo smrdim)!"  spet nekako obvlada moj poskus napada in zaspiva.
nocne more so tako hude, da ne morem spat. sanjam, da so fanta klicali njegovi starsi in mu rekli naj konca z mano, ker nisem prava za njega, naj bo raje s svojo prijateljico, saj je ona tako sonce, dobrega srca in lahko ga bo osrecila!
spet mu verjamem, seveda.
tresem se od strahu, nevem kako naj utisam glas. prosim ga naj me pusti pri miru, naj pride nazaj kadarkoli samo ne v nemciji, ker nocem ispast tipicna lubosumna punca. o seveda sem se zasrala ko sem mu povedala, cesa me je strah in takoj mi je pokazal kaj lubosumje pomeni.
ves cas me je odvracal od fanta in mi govoril grozne stvari o njemu, govoril mi je, da mu ne pomenim nic, in da njemu pomeni samo njegova prijateljica, in da ko bo to dojel, me bo pustu in bil z njo (thou she is gay). samo da on tega se ne ve, ampak samo se eno dramo mu nardim, pa mu bo prekipelo.

res me je ustrasu, ker to je res mogoce. valda me ne bo mogu vecno prenasat ne glede na to kolk je dobr tip. jok neomejen in tega stanja sploh ne znam opisat, ampak enostavno je ego prevzel nadzor nad mano in dobesedno se mi je zacel mesat. dobesedno. zganjala sm dramo. na zacetku bolj v svoji glavi kot v realnem svetu, sm se se dobr borila proti pizdarijam, ki jih je ego hotu izvajat. ampak tut jst sm kmalu popustila. drla sm se ko zival, nism mogla nehat, telo mi je preplavla vrocina, tresla sm se, kozlat sm sla in jokala sm, ego pa se je dru: " koncala bosta, koncala bosta, samo da vidi tole tvojo dramo! koncala bosta ker si nihce, koncala bosta ker je vsaka druga bolsa od tebe in jst mu bom to pokazu. koncala bosta se dons.!!!"

zarad njegovih grozenj sm ostala v sobi in nisem hotla bit v blizini fanta, ker me je blo strah. poklicala sm bratranca vsa histericna, pou kurca mu ni blo jasno kaj mi pere ker pozna mojga fanta in ve, da mu pomenm vse na svetu. prepricvou me je da bo vse ok in da ce se ne umirim do naslednjega dne, naj prideva nazaj v slovenijo in naj grem do zdravnice. biu je super moral support ampak v tistem trenutku nism mogla niti pojasnt kaj me daje, samo lubosumje me je zrlo in strah, da bova res koncala.
cez neki casa me je fnt prsu pogledat, nitii govort nism mogla in nog sploh nism cutila, nism se mogla premaknt. mi je prnesu caj, sm mu rekla da ga nocem in je sou. kao me bo pustu pr meru. pol so se pa v kuhni smejali in obujali spomine, jst sm pa kozlala na sekretu nism mogla poslusat njihovega smeha in dejstva, da se majo radi. nism mogla delit svojga fanta, neka posesija, obsesija, bolanija je vn butnla. klicala sm se enkrat bratranca naj mi pomaga, ker hocem umret. prvic po res dolgem casu sem cutila potrebo potem, da koncam svoje zivljenje. nemorem vec tko zivet. glas v glavi mi pravi, da se ne bom nikol pozdravla in da nikol nebom dobr clouk.
ko je fnt prsu nazaj v sobo, sem ga, klub temu da sva z bratrancom nardila nacrt da nebom sikala in utrujala fantu, napadla, da morva koncat, takoj!!! zivcn zlom sm dozivela, enega hujsih v casu zdravljenja. bol ko sm se jokala, bol mi je rasla vrocina in mn sm cutla svoje noge, nakoncu sm se sesedla.
fnt me je spravu nazaj v postlo in na sreco mi je jasno kaksno je moje stanje in me je samo profesionalno pustu da se se mal zderem, da ego pove kar ma za povedat, pol me je pa stisnu k seb in mi je zacel govort: "I am with you because I chose so. I came all the way from new zealand to be with you. I want to be with you. I am with you!!!"  po pol urnem glasnem mantranju je uspel utisat moj ego.
zaspala sva.
zjutraj sva se zbudila, spet ista zgodba, a v milejsi obliki. koncno sem bla dost zbrana, da sva mal analizirala potek dogodkov. ugotovila sva, da zna bit velik problem dejstvo, da ne jem redno na potovanju in niti ne spim. cez dan nisem jedla, zvecer sem jedla mal vec ker sm bla lacna in to so si moji mozgani prevedli kot: "spet smo na stari poti. stradamo pol se naziramo. ne spimo. bruhamo!" in me je vrglo nazaj, ko da vmes enega leta zdravljenja ni blo.
ko sva to dojela, sva mal pazla na prehrano in na spanje, in hitro se mi je stanje izbolsalo. se mi je pralo, ampak ful je blo bolse. italija je sla bol gladko skoz, madzarska je ze disala po svobodi. najin prvi pravi dan je bil tretju dan budimpeste. fnt je s sabo nosu jogurte, krekerje, korenje.... karkolu mu je padlo na pamet, da sva mela vedno pr roki, in sm lahko jedla na 2 uri in pol. gledu je na uro in res sledil mojim obrokom, zutri sva ful vec spala in pred 12 sploh vn nisva sla, tko da sva si ga na izi uzela. pomagal je. ko sva prsla v ljubljano, sva dva dni samo lezala in pocivala, jedla in se pogovarjala. premlevala potek dogodkov, se ucila in rastla. sla sm tut na terapijo takoj ko sm prsla v slovenijo in terapevtka je potrdila vsa moja/najina dognanja.
po treh dneh pocivanja in okrevanja sm sla spet na stranisce in spet sm lahko sexala, ker nism bla vec tolk debela.
dons je sou fnt na obisk k prjatlu v avstrijo in jst sm dan posvetila sebi, meditirala sm, pospravljala, plesala in ustvarjala. uzela sm si cs, zadihala. bla sm z egom, za enkrat sva se z roko v roki, ampak me vs cs vlece na temno stran.
nism cist pr stvari in dost sm prazna, ne cutm ful in ne vem kje sm, ampak sm dost v miru. ne upam mislt na fanta, da me nebi vrglo km, ne upam mislt na prihodnost, da me nebi vrglo kam. samo obstajam, ko ena rastlinica, pa mal mi je lepo.

Jutri pa zivimo dalje.

Tired.

Im so tired of my condition, of bulimia, trying to run my life and make me fight every single minute.
I learned couple of tricks to control it, but most of them only deepen my obsession with food and with wanting to lose 20 kg, NOW!
This moment.
I hate the way I smile, I hate the way I laugh, I hate the way I walk and talk. I hate my body and I hate my full stomach. I need to keep my stomach as empty as possible, otherwise there come troubles.
I took mirrors off the wall and I dont wash my teeth in the bathroom anymore, because everytime I see my self I get reminded how awful I am.
I am tired of being so confused, not knowing who I am and where I belong. Tired of not really knowing what I want and of not seeing my future as bride as I hope it will be.
Tired of doubting, tired of fear, tired of tears.
Tired of not feeling my life, my self and my body. Tired of fighting and tired of facing food.
Tired of not accepting compliments, tired of not seeing how much people care of me and tired of not seeing all the respect I get.
I believe, if only I could lose those 20 kg, everything would be different, or if not slimming down, I am sure if only i could smile differently, everything would be better. Or if only I could change my ugly feet, life would all of a sudden get nicer.
School is over, and I dont have a safe place to go everyday. I feel naked.
I only felt good at work, with children around and with those nice people around.
School is where I belong to.
There, I can hear up the compliments, I feel good about my work and I accept love from my children.
Everything is just the way it should be.
As soon as I leave that place, I dont know who I am anymore.
I am lost and confused.
I mind my weight, I mind my look and I mind my ugly face.
I dont see anything, I dont feel love and I dont feel how good I am out here. Its not safe.
I am tired of my sick miind telling me all those stupid things, tired of feeling less than others, tired of rough society.
Tired of slovenia, just wanna take of and move to new zealand or even better to africa. I cannot be happy if I dont go to africa soon.
My heart is breaking.
my body is breaking.
My mind is breaking.
I am tired of carrying all this burden! I need to take a rest, rest from everything and everyone.
I dont understand my emotions, I dont understand my love.
Everything that I love the most is so far away from me.
So far away.

My doctor says I should take time, 20 mins a day, to go into my emotions, go deep and listen up what my body is trying to tell me. but thats painful! i cant do it.
It hurts. Its easier to avoid the situations which make me wanna puke.
But she says, Thats the only way I will really get over.
I dont know how I feel about my family, about my friends and people I know.
Everywhere I go, I would lie if I say anything else, but people love me. they are happy to see me, they love me and believe I am a special woman, thats what they say, thats what they tellme.
But I end up crying and hating myself no matter what..

how long?

 

I hate new age!

just an angry thought: What if my body size is normal and all skinny is mental? What if a little bit of fat on my booty and my stomach looks nicer that bones and skin?

Na zivce mi gre, ko gledam TV, film al pa reklame, povsod samo neka lepa telesa, brez celulitka in spehca, pa je lahko rekalma za paprike al pa za kopalke, bejbe vse ustrezajo nekim standardom. vse glasbenice so shujsane, ce niso prsle suhe na sceno, se shujsajo v roku parih mescev. Igralci vse suhi. Vsi so suhi. Cel svet je suh.
Zadnje case delam dneven popis suhega prebivalstva in dognala sm, da je vecina zensk okrog mene suhih ali presusenih. Povsod samo reklame za skujsevalne cudezne tablete, napitke, caje. Vsako jutro na radiu poslusam nagovor prebivalstvu: "gremo shujsat, poletje je tu!" fuck off! Nemorem odpret neta da nebi naletela na ad o hujsanju! hujsajmo hujsajmo hujsajmo!!!!
Na zivce mi gre, da je nek fashen preplavu clovestvo, brez vsebine, brez sporocila. Na zivce mi gre ta sistem, brez topline in brez osebnosti. Na zivce mi grejo vsi ti prazni ljudje.
Ja, tega ne bom spremenila, zato na bi bojda spremenila sebe. Ja, morm se spravt k seb in bit mirna sama s sabo, bit chubby  in zivet s tem. moja postava ustreza nekje postavam na zgornji sliki, mogoce trenutno kaka kilca manj, ampak ne vec ko pa kak centimeter v nogah.
V trgovini na oddelku za mocnejse, se stevilke zacnejo pr 42! seriously?!?!? Jst sm 38 trenutno.

Fuck new age society!
Na zivce mi grejo vsi te smartphone-i, avtomobili, tut lahka moznost potovanja, vse to, kar je nepomebno, kar dusi cloveka ne pove nc, a je razlog, da se primerjamo z drugimi....keep fancy, keep cool!
fuck it!

Besna sm, da me draga mati enkrat na teden spomni na to, da sm shujsala oz da sm se zredla, to je vse kar je pomembno pr mojem zdravljenju? ne! jst nism na zdravljenju zarad debelosti, da bi blo to pomembno in da bi kazal kak napredek. ne, glih kontra, to kaze na to, da se se vedno zelo ubadam s svojim look-om, namesto da bi se ubadala s sabo in s svojo vsebino.
Ko bom se mal shujsala, bom pa zdrava, al kako!?!?

Pac, na zivce mi gre.
 

Family..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5anLPw0Efmo&feature=related

The Earth has never seen such thing as my family.
Lord, forgive them, they dont know what they are doing.

I understand Jesus! I do.

My bolimia has roots in my childhood. My childhood equals to my family.
The entire life they have thought me to dedicate myself to the family. Family is something holy, family is something that doesnt let you down and when all the friends walk away, you still have the family, you only have one family. you need to spend with the family as much time as possible, no matter if you are 17 and you prefer hanging out with your friends, no matter what your desires are, family is the one, who should come first.
You are not allowed to stand up for yourself and fight for yourself, as that is highly disrespectful towards the family. You have no right to disagree, as that shows how you dont appreciate the family.
If no family, you wouldnt be where you are now.
Doesnt matter if you put your own fights, if they werent the way they were, you would be a junkie now or a whore, living under the bridge, so you better show respect and appreciate everything they did for you.

You are always wrong and family is always right.

Dont put your friends first, because there is a family to be first. Dont make any plans for weekends, as weekends should be dedicated to the family, no matter if actual mother and father arent around. When you grow up and you have your own life to live and your own laundry to do, never believe you can just come visit your family and rest in their house. You need to do the housework as you owe them so much anyway.

Never follow your dreams, as that would mean that eventually you will need to break the family-chain. Never give yourself any credit, since they are the ones, who brought you up the way you are.
Never show you are weak, because that dirty a family reputation. Never go left, if the whole world goes right, because that also dirty a family name. Follow the crowed, be a sheep, never stand out from the crowd, that makes you immature. Dont walk your own road, as that means you decided to turn your back to your family.

So many rules I have always followed. I never fit those rules though, which made my life much harder, my beliefs are different and I always disagreed in a first place, but always did how I was told.
But years went by and  I still blindly followed those rules, refusing any other truth. Whoever told me "you family is weird!" i felt hurt.
my brain was totally washed.

When 22, I decided its time for me to change that bad habit.
Good news for my bulimia. I open the wounds, got vulnerable and after 2 years of very little vomiting, that bitch took control over me agani. This time even stronger, just like everytime after some break.
It sucked me into its dark world even more. Brought all the fears up, brought all the doubts up and brought that never ending self hate up again.

Last break I had before it came back last two beautiful years, when I was fighting with cancer. Same day they told me I am ok, and same they I stood up and believed "my life counts!!" bulimia had different plans for me. It was sure it will no matter how prove me my life is worth nothing!
Pills after pills, puking after puking and binging after binging.
It succeeded very fast. It shut me in my house and my perfect plan I will do some changes in my life regarding to my family and regarding to my life so sank like an old ship.

Then my boyfriend came along and changed couple of things and so I admitted to myself: I do have eating disorders and I better go on a rehab.

Rehab did change my life, not just in a way of recovering but also in a way of continue losing fight with my family.
I told them all I knew about why possibly I could have bulimia and the answer didnt suit them at all.
Every time I told them I feel caught with them, they said "oh, but you can do whatever you want now. No are an adult! we never did anything wrong!!"    fuck off. why you are telling me this shit now?!??!?!
Where were you several years ago.
I told them I dont like the way they brought me up believing all people are bad. I told them I believe not all people are bad and my mom goes: "yah you are right!" whhhhhhhhhhhhat the fuck!!!! no, six months before that conversation she told me I shouldnt trust anyone and I shouldnt believe my boyfriend cares about me. there is no such thing as healthy relationship.
When I told them I believe everyone should stood up for hisself and walk his own path no matter what people think, she said: "oh yes, dont worry what people say!"   aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!! breakdown!!!!! always,really always!!!!!!also today, the rule number one with my family is: "make sure everyone has good opinion about you and neighbors should believe you are perfect!!" 
all the fucking life they were so low to believe this. I never did. I dont give a fuck what people think about me, at least not deep down. real me, doesnt care.

I spent last three months of my rehab just dealing with my family. such a hard work. and still, today, I dont seem like I learned anything.
its my fathers birthday today, and last weekend we ve been talking about what to give him as birthday present and also how we will all be at their place, having a picnic with my uncles, cousnts, auntis.... and so I canceled all my plans for the weekend like a good daughter should do and prepared myself fot spending weekend with lots of food and lots of people.
So there was Friday and I spoke to my mom and she just by the way told me my father is at the seaside and that she is leaving today. I lost it.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What a joke is that???
How on the Earth can you do this?? How about me and my respect? and my brothers respect?
how about that glory FAMILY!!! you taught me about family and made my life hell because of your stupid possessiveness, and look at you now....you dont give a fuck what your children think and want!!!!
 You have no right to ever ever ever gain tell me one thing about my life!!!
you have no clue what life is and what respect it.
back off, am done with you!!!!!!
I will not any more think of their feeling too. they might be hurt if i dont come visit them but i seriously dont give a fuck!!! you guys just showed me how much you care about my feelings, so we are done!
I better see it for real, otherwise I am really retarded!!! 
I better wake up!

I cried and felt so sick I made a plan how to buy pills and go vomit.
my body was shaking and I jsut couldnt believe this really had happened. I was probably more upset with myself because I let them win it again. I was upset how the fuck i didnt see it before. was it really so hard to see how hypocrite my family is. oh no, i remember seeing it but had hard times believing it.
well, i am not ashamed any  more....my family is stupid and they are one the most hypocritical people one can meet. not just towards me, but towards everyone.
fuck it.
I am angry, really angry.
thank god for my boyfriend, i called him and told him i need to hear his voice. 10 minutes of talking saved me. I still wanted to vomit but there was a little little piece of him in my mind, just enought to chose go buy the dress for the day when he arrives! 
and so I saved my ass from the toilet but not fromt he gross feeling i have.
my body is filled up with some odd feeling, something that i dont understand and that i want to take out. 

Now I know why I have bulimia! 

Rough times

sleep - eat - work - eat - work - eat - sleep - give up - dont give up - eat - sleep - eat - work - ..... survive.

Dont know how I feel, dont know what I want.
It started slowly, I could tell the day when it started, and day by day it took control over me.
My mind is sick, telling me not to eat, telling me I am fat and telling me I am a mistake.
Telling me if I take another cherry tomato, I will fatten and destroy everything I've achieved by now.
Telling me, I can pour only 5 spoons of milk to my morning coffee, if more, I will go to hell.
it is yelling at me I should eat barbs free food and the smallest amounts possible.
It made me buy baby bowls, so when I eat cereals, soup, spinach ets ... I serve it in that small bowl.  once I took another portion of soup and I was punished so baaaad.
It counts my pieces of meat, never more than 10 little chopped pieces. eleventh can kill me.
Salami should be eaten plain, with no bread with.
Yogurt only the plain one,  fruit  yogurt is a crime.
Chocolate is prohibited and so is fruit.
I count calories most of the day and just spend time infront of the mirror, hating my body.

When normal moments, I am horrified but not strong enough to break it when its talking a control over me.
I know I can only keep my weight when I eat most of the food, randomly, whatever I need in that moment and have been doing it so well already, but then something happened.
Not sure what.
Could be just a matter of my recovering but I believe all food-madness came back so strong because I have been working much more last few weeks and I spend a lot of energy working with kids, playing with them during their recess. I run with them up and down like crazy, I chase them and lift them up and down. I am always on a move, and I can tell, when 15 children want you to chase them and play football with them, it is quite exhausting at the end of the day. I can see this when I am normal, but most of the time I am everything but reasonable... I made myself believe I MUST have lunch at 1, but when break at 12, I am already dying to get that food, so hungry. and I feel super guilty every fucking single day for having lunch at 12.
Same is with dinner. Before, I had dinner at 6, but nowdays, I am starving at 4, when make it home from work. So first thing once am home is making dinner/lunch and theres nothing worse for my stupid mind.
And so I put fight every time I make myself food and later, when I finish it.
WHY DID YOU EAT??????? WEAK ASS!!!!
is shouting at me!!!

I am afraid of not eating anything though, but my mood depends on how empty my stomach is.
I am happy when I am hungry and there's no food in my stomach, oh if only i could keep it like this forever.
I get depressed big time when I put some food to my stomach.

In a second food comes to the stomach, I get HUGE!!!! my face gets fat, my ass grows gigantic,  my legs are not able to move from all the fat. My fingers are ugly and so are my feet. All the cloths look like I got them at the red cross charity on me, not looking decent. My style seems to be soooooo last year and I am just boring. For sure not ready to leave my room. So ugly and fat I stay at home, not knowing what's happening outside, not knowing whats happening with myself, not understanding my emotions.
empty but not empty, depressed but not depressed.
FEARFUL of getting fat. Fat can not be good. Fat is ugly and fat is not worth to live. Fat has no future and fat can not be loved. Fat is gross. Fat is me.
My the biggest fear is I am fattening every second and so I am ruining my life.
Everyone is more beautiful.

My doctor told me to stay with that fat, ugly feeling for five minutes and try to feel whatever is to be felt. To be with that feeling for a little while and place it in some time of my life. Wait for the answer my body is about to give me, if only I stay with the pain. I should pay attention on what is happening with my body at that particular time, on what thought triggers the fat feeling.
Fuck, I can not tell you how hard that is.
Thats most definitely the hardest part of recovering for me. I just dont know how to stay with that feeling as it takes control over me immediately.

it is so hard to keep up with everyday life, with people, friends ... I cant.
I sleep a lot, which is good. my doctor says the body processes everything during the sleep, which is only good. But again, my mind proved how sick it is when it fought with me I shouldnt waste time on sleeping during the day, being lazy and useless!! I should be fine by now. Doctor laughed : "no no, thats not how it goes. it doesnt go that fast. just think of all the sleepless time and all the suffering your mind and body have been trough in last 10 years. you can not catch up with all the leak of the sleep with only several afternoon naps. no no!"

She also tells me my down moments are very normal and that is only a sign I have been moving forward. Re-feeling everything, re-learning about emotions and life, recovering!!!
She told me it will take lots of time to get well. Things go slow and being down is the only opportunity to process all the pain I carry inside my mind and my body. Thats the only way for me to get over bulimia.

Bulimia is one of the biggest addictions and being an addict takes loads of time to live up normally.
Until then, there is nothing to be done but focus 200% on a rehab and work hard.

oh Lord, give me some more strength!