Waah what a crapy day.
Started well, I cleaned my crib, enjoyed life, did some jammin' and it seemed it will be another good day.
round lunch time everything changed.
Was hungry but felt sick just thinking about food. There was voice telling me I am fat and I better skip my lunch. I tried to ignore it and prepared some food anyway. Was njoki with vegetable.. oh yuck!!!
My stomach was spinning while cooking and I knew that's bad sign.
Before even started eating, I cleaned up entire kitchen to get rid of the evidence there was food.
Then set down and after first bite my throat filled up with vomit. what a disgusting taste.
I had another bit and it was just like someone punched me in my stomach. I gave up after the third bite. Just threw all the food away and took garbage out.
came back home and tried to do something that redirects my mind. The only thought I could hear was: "go puke! go puke!" I promised myself I will not puke in my new bathroom. I am making a bathroom a nice place, with nice quotes, flowers and painting on the wall,determined I wont puke in there.
So I was caught with vomit in my throat and with terrible pain in my stomach. I thought of pills and so before I even knew, I was already in the pharmacy next door. Once the lady asked me what do I need, I woke up. Oh my fucking god, I am in the pharmacy. G!!! I was ashamed to asked for pills so I bought laxative juice.
Came home and finished the whole bottle. Usually it starts working within couple of minutes but this time nothing happened after an hour. I was furious!! An hour was just enough time to realized what have I done. I felt awful and wanted to eat myself alive.
I lay on the bed and I dont really remember what was going on and how I actually felt.
All of a sudden, after 2 hours since I finished the bottle of laxative juice, my body became very cold and I could hear my stomach getting pretty loud. My mouth suddenly got full of saliva and my hands and feet were sweating so much. Black out!
Ran to the toilet, set on the toilet but nothing came out. Just terrible pain. I remembered that pain. nothing seem to be real, its like a dream. just pain and nothing around. Had some water and went back to the toilet. After all, my stomach got very very running and I was emptying it in periods...between each period there was couple of seconds gap, for body to get a chance to breath before another painful scream.
After pain, of course you believe that was a mistake and you will never do it again, comes that feeling of such a huge relief, that keeps you insist with using laxatives and vomiting.... the feeling of emptiness, feels like all the worries were flashed to the toilet. Like big pain just faded away, and you can start over. it feels like a second chance, feels like all bad was taken away from your body and like you can keep on living life with clean conscience. Its like re-birthing and you get that big smile on your face just for a minute though, but still, it feels good.
all those feelings are LIE!
you can not shit all the frustrations away, you cant puke your worries up and you cant control you conscience with shitting/vomiting.
Its a one-minute-effect!
Once a minute is over, things get worse.
but next time, in same situation you do the same thing....the voice in your head convince you that you need to do it just one more time and you will live up guilt free, you will start over. With me, it always promises me "start over" life. I learned its a bullshit but still, apparently it can buy me still. we all want another chance. we all seek to have a clean conscience and we all want to be perfect and good people. we all want to play right and if we screw up, we all want to make it disappear ... but if you live with any kind of addiction, you believe you have a tool, which you can control everything with.
You want to destroy everything that you dont understand, all the feeling that dont fit to your dictionary, all the emotions that drives you crazy and that dont have its place in yourlife....
whether you get high and enjoy the world where everything makes sense although only for a minute or you get wasted from very much the same reason, but if you have ED, you believe you can puke all thise enemy emotions out. well.
but after yesterday's incident I took a moment and talked to that voice in my head, just as my doctor told me to do....she told me if the voice gets too loud and too pushy, I should go somewhere safe and give him 30 minutes to tell me what does he want. I did it and I it was hard, the voice was torturing me, telling me all those crappy things that I cant listen, that I am lame, fat, ugly, not worth to be loved, taht I will never succeed and that I should quit my rehab, relationshit and for the sake of my friends' lives I should let them go because I will only make them suffer, as I am cursed! of course it made me cry and it made me feel like I want to jump out of the balcony (well, balcony is not that safe place to talk to the voice lol) but after some time, i told him this: "ok, your time's up! you need to stop now. I heard everything you said, I disagree with some of your statements so now I will make myself a cup of tea, lighten up the candle and enjoy the evening." Thats what I actually did.
Slowly, the voice left me alone.
I made beautiful atmosphere in my apartment, took a book "i love my body" from L.L.Hay and enjoyed positive affirmations. Then I went for a short jog out, came home, had shower and put some nice soul music on...I was untouchable!! I was strong. I felt the strength which filled my body, felt the beauty of woman's body and felt joy of my life.
I chose to have different evening.
I controlled my thoughts, my emotions and my feelings. Iwas very gentle with myself.
I felt peace within.
went to bed and woke up 4am. not to mention I had a massive break down, went down on my knees and prayed to God. I havent heard from my boyfriend for four days.
Started well, I cleaned my crib, enjoyed life, did some jammin' and it seemed it will be another good day.
round lunch time everything changed.
Was hungry but felt sick just thinking about food. There was voice telling me I am fat and I better skip my lunch. I tried to ignore it and prepared some food anyway. Was njoki with vegetable.. oh yuck!!!
My stomach was spinning while cooking and I knew that's bad sign.
Before even started eating, I cleaned up entire kitchen to get rid of the evidence there was food.
Then set down and after first bite my throat filled up with vomit. what a disgusting taste.
I had another bit and it was just like someone punched me in my stomach. I gave up after the third bite. Just threw all the food away and took garbage out.
came back home and tried to do something that redirects my mind. The only thought I could hear was: "go puke! go puke!" I promised myself I will not puke in my new bathroom. I am making a bathroom a nice place, with nice quotes, flowers and painting on the wall,determined I wont puke in there.
So I was caught with vomit in my throat and with terrible pain in my stomach. I thought of pills and so before I even knew, I was already in the pharmacy next door. Once the lady asked me what do I need, I woke up. Oh my fucking god, I am in the pharmacy. G!!! I was ashamed to asked for pills so I bought laxative juice.
Came home and finished the whole bottle. Usually it starts working within couple of minutes but this time nothing happened after an hour. I was furious!! An hour was just enough time to realized what have I done. I felt awful and wanted to eat myself alive.
I lay on the bed and I dont really remember what was going on and how I actually felt.
All of a sudden, after 2 hours since I finished the bottle of laxative juice, my body became very cold and I could hear my stomach getting pretty loud. My mouth suddenly got full of saliva and my hands and feet were sweating so much. Black out!
Ran to the toilet, set on the toilet but nothing came out. Just terrible pain. I remembered that pain. nothing seem to be real, its like a dream. just pain and nothing around. Had some water and went back to the toilet. After all, my stomach got very very running and I was emptying it in periods...between each period there was couple of seconds gap, for body to get a chance to breath before another painful scream.
After pain, of course you believe that was a mistake and you will never do it again, comes that feeling of such a huge relief, that keeps you insist with using laxatives and vomiting.... the feeling of emptiness, feels like all the worries were flashed to the toilet. Like big pain just faded away, and you can start over. it feels like a second chance, feels like all bad was taken away from your body and like you can keep on living life with clean conscience. Its like re-birthing and you get that big smile on your face just for a minute though, but still, it feels good.
all those feelings are LIE!
you can not shit all the frustrations away, you cant puke your worries up and you cant control you conscience with shitting/vomiting.
Its a one-minute-effect!
Once a minute is over, things get worse.
but next time, in same situation you do the same thing....the voice in your head convince you that you need to do it just one more time and you will live up guilt free, you will start over. With me, it always promises me "start over" life. I learned its a bullshit but still, apparently it can buy me still. we all want another chance. we all seek to have a clean conscience and we all want to be perfect and good people. we all want to play right and if we screw up, we all want to make it disappear ... but if you live with any kind of addiction, you believe you have a tool, which you can control everything with.
You want to destroy everything that you dont understand, all the feeling that dont fit to your dictionary, all the emotions that drives you crazy and that dont have its place in yourlife....
whether you get high and enjoy the world where everything makes sense although only for a minute or you get wasted from very much the same reason, but if you have ED, you believe you can puke all thise enemy emotions out. well.
but after yesterday's incident I took a moment and talked to that voice in my head, just as my doctor told me to do....she told me if the voice gets too loud and too pushy, I should go somewhere safe and give him 30 minutes to tell me what does he want. I did it and I it was hard, the voice was torturing me, telling me all those crappy things that I cant listen, that I am lame, fat, ugly, not worth to be loved, taht I will never succeed and that I should quit my rehab, relationshit and for the sake of my friends' lives I should let them go because I will only make them suffer, as I am cursed! of course it made me cry and it made me feel like I want to jump out of the balcony (well, balcony is not that safe place to talk to the voice lol) but after some time, i told him this: "ok, your time's up! you need to stop now. I heard everything you said, I disagree with some of your statements so now I will make myself a cup of tea, lighten up the candle and enjoy the evening." Thats what I actually did.
Slowly, the voice left me alone.
I made beautiful atmosphere in my apartment, took a book "i love my body" from L.L.Hay and enjoyed positive affirmations. Then I went for a short jog out, came home, had shower and put some nice soul music on...I was untouchable!! I was strong. I felt the strength which filled my body, felt the beauty of woman's body and felt joy of my life.
I chose to have different evening.
I controlled my thoughts, my emotions and my feelings. Iwas very gentle with myself.
I felt peace within.
went to bed and woke up 4am. not to mention I had a massive break down, went down on my knees and prayed to God. I havent heard from my boyfriend for four days.
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