Wow.
For some reason, I had two beautiful days.
There were fat legs with me, also the ugliest face and the most retarded laugh, but non of those could stop me from seeing how wonderful life is.
It actually started on wednesday, when I got promoted at work which will bring me decent extra money and that's how my financial issue was solve in a minute. Yah, one can not be happy if he is not financial safe. But I just put that behind me.
On thursday, my mom is suppose to come visit, but to my surprise, my dad came along.
I was actually happy and excited about welcoming them in my new home.
My mom really disappointed me. She was all grumpy and whatever she said, i was just like: "wat the fuck!"
my dad was on his best behaving towards me. He was trilled about my new apartment and I can tell he was so happy he has a daughter like me. but my mom was a disaster.
She didnt like most of the things in my apartment, something was too old, something was too dirty, something was too small. Even my dad said: "oh cmon, did you come for a visit to talk bullshit or what!" but usually my dad would be the bad cop and would never like my new place. He finds my accessories stupid or connected with some kind of sect and that would always pull me down to the dark side.....feeling awful for being who I am and feeling sad my dad doesnt understand my art.
but this time mom was pain in the ass and I was so upset.
Then I took them to the town and she continued grumpiness but dad and I we had a good time.
I went out with my green pants and yellow allstars and super flowery punk/blue bag and purple sungalsses. the only comment was: "oh sure, it would kill you if colors would match. red hair and purple sun glasses lol" but he wasnt serious saying that.
so wee took off and had nice walk to old town. again, my mom was in her own world and didnt pay much attention.
At some point I wass ure I will kick her out of a car, when she said: "oh, when are you heading down to bosnia? I told them you are coming?" I was just like"What the fuck" again!!! "mom, it is ME who makes plans for my spring break, why you said anything?" I ended the conversation as fast as possible but my body was so nervous, I felt like shouting.
Oh and before we took off she found two lighters in my kitchen and she asked: "why do you have lighters" I told her I need them for the stove and she was aah ok.
But the saddest thing is... she is the one who knows I am on and off smoker and my dad hates it, so she put me in an awkward position on purpose! what a snake.
At that point I remembered my ex-mother-in-low saying: "you have problems with your mom not that much with your dad!" and yes, once again her words came out proved! I do have problems with my mom more than with my dad.
my dad is just a hard core jerk who raised me in military spirit and who doesnt accept anything that is not "normal" ... I was his second chance of having a perfect woman since he failed with mom.
he always found a support in me and he made sure I was there whenever he needed me. well, my father story goes on and on but now days, when I look back, I exactly know what was going on with me and my father, but my mom.... she is a snake.
She doesnt have her own spine and she always go where she gets the best of it.
It is because my father abused her emotionally and she is totally under his control, but with her bahving, she makes a lot of mess. I notices couple of years ago that she can be very hypocritical, both of my parents are super hypocritical, but my mom in the way that you can never count on her, she will use your weakness to get come credits with my dad.
Also when I told her about bulimia, and I wasnt ready to tell it to my dad, one day we were all in the livingroom and she set next to my dad and said: "ok, she needs to tell you something!" I was just "what, i dont need to tell him anything!" and she went: "oh yes, you know about your problems!"
she once again pushed me on the edge and I needed to do something completely against my will. I needed to admit to my dad I have bulimia. I was so mad at my mom and still am.
and she has been doing it all the time.
you cant trust her with anything, she will always use it soon against you.
Isnt it sad that you cant trust your mom.
and the same was with the lighters the other day. she wanted me to admit to my dad that I smoked after I quit smoking....but I trusted her a while ago and told her that I go smoke sometimes when I feel like vomiting and it helps, because I need to go for a walk.
aaaaaaah!!
last conversation I had with my father we talked exactly the same thing about my mom. he said he will divorce her because she simply isnt his friend.
no my dad struggles with his business a bit and he claims she is not there for him, and she doesnt respect his wish not to talk about it with other people that much since the struggle seems to be only temporary and people are happy to see you go down. but instead, my mom is pretty loud about it and bla bla bla bla but the point is, my dad told me he hates that he cant trust her. Oh i know what he is walking about.
well to move forward, enough about my mom.
dad realized one thing that he already knew before and he will never accept it, but his daughter is an artist, bohem. we spent lots of time talking about it and it seemed like one time opportunity....to talk with the biggest enemy of gypsy life style about.........his daughter having that kind of life style. I had my minutes to try to explain to him that i am not going to change it and that this is me....with normal voice with no fight. wow.
on friday, I was about to meet my friends in austria but life wanted to give me even more,
I just opened my eyes and there was a msg from my friend asking me to come over for a coffee.
"wow wait a minute, it 9am, am awake for 5 seconds and I dont leave my apartment before being at least one hour awake. the answer is no!" I thought to myself.
but I dont know how, I dont know why....I said: "ok, im coming"
lol never did this before. but i missed moments when I live just with my feeling, when I follow the flow.
I felt like going for a coffee at my friends so fuck the routine, Im gone.
well, i did have bread and coffee at home so I go to the toilet before heading off, but didnt spend much time thinking why shouold I stay at home. soooo cool!!
straight form her place I took off to austria, was so exited about seeing those two beautiful people, they are me and my boyfriend's mutual friends. on the way to aut I got a phone call from my beloved friend, again, to my surprise I answered the phone....woohoo. I dont remember when was the last time I did something like this ... If i know she could call me for a catch up I would never catch up after meeting two friends already...but yesterday I set up another date ....
had an amazing time with my friend in austria and head down to slovenia straight away to my friend.
we went to my place and had wonderful chill out at my balcony. was so hot, we had music, drink, and simply enjoyed LIFE.
It reminded me so much to my life before bulimia came back for the last time, three years ago.
I just loved life, loved being alive, enjoying beauty around me and and enjoying those little things.
my only plan is not to have a plan....to go with the flow and all is good.
why worry why panic??
oh, I know: because my parents are such a pressure on me: what are you doing? when are you coming up to our palce? when are you getting up? what time are you going to bed? what time will you talk to your boyfriend? what time you start working on monday? when when when, what time what time what time....??????
aaaaaah#"$%&/()=?*!"#$%%& [ERROR]
so flow is good and flow always leads you to the goal you are suppose to reach. once upon a time I truly believed that.
well, chilling with my friend and spending the whole day outdoor, living life, nothing more, just simply living life and enjoying the beauty of the world, was enough for me to learn that there is a part of me waking up and a part of me dealing with bulimia. since I realized that, I found some peace within.
I am not that confused at the moment. I exactly know what is happening.
I am not ok all the tiime and I dont always keep my spirit high, I put the fight everyday up but on the other hand, I enjoy myself so much when life gives me some rest.
On my door there is new simple quote: "vse bo v redu!" and I can tell, since I put it on, every day makes much more sense. the quote is powerful and hopeful.
Take it easy, its just life!!
indeed it is.
I used to believe I dont have problems, I only have some obstacles to knock down every now and then the attitude seems to be coming back!
There is my mother's voice in my head calling me home, but this time I wont buy it. I am going with the flow whatever it takes.
bring on some life!
HAKUNA MATATA
For some reason, I had two beautiful days.
There were fat legs with me, also the ugliest face and the most retarded laugh, but non of those could stop me from seeing how wonderful life is.
It actually started on wednesday, when I got promoted at work which will bring me decent extra money and that's how my financial issue was solve in a minute. Yah, one can not be happy if he is not financial safe. But I just put that behind me.
On thursday, my mom is suppose to come visit, but to my surprise, my dad came along.
I was actually happy and excited about welcoming them in my new home.
My mom really disappointed me. She was all grumpy and whatever she said, i was just like: "wat the fuck!"
my dad was on his best behaving towards me. He was trilled about my new apartment and I can tell he was so happy he has a daughter like me. but my mom was a disaster.
She didnt like most of the things in my apartment, something was too old, something was too dirty, something was too small. Even my dad said: "oh cmon, did you come for a visit to talk bullshit or what!" but usually my dad would be the bad cop and would never like my new place. He finds my accessories stupid or connected with some kind of sect and that would always pull me down to the dark side.....feeling awful for being who I am and feeling sad my dad doesnt understand my art.
but this time mom was pain in the ass and I was so upset.
Then I took them to the town and she continued grumpiness but dad and I we had a good time.
I went out with my green pants and yellow allstars and super flowery punk/blue bag and purple sungalsses. the only comment was: "oh sure, it would kill you if colors would match. red hair and purple sun glasses lol" but he wasnt serious saying that.
so wee took off and had nice walk to old town. again, my mom was in her own world and didnt pay much attention.
At some point I wass ure I will kick her out of a car, when she said: "oh, when are you heading down to bosnia? I told them you are coming?" I was just like"What the fuck" again!!! "mom, it is ME who makes plans for my spring break, why you said anything?" I ended the conversation as fast as possible but my body was so nervous, I felt like shouting.
Oh and before we took off she found two lighters in my kitchen and she asked: "why do you have lighters" I told her I need them for the stove and she was aah ok.
But the saddest thing is... she is the one who knows I am on and off smoker and my dad hates it, so she put me in an awkward position on purpose! what a snake.
At that point I remembered my ex-mother-in-low saying: "you have problems with your mom not that much with your dad!" and yes, once again her words came out proved! I do have problems with my mom more than with my dad.
my dad is just a hard core jerk who raised me in military spirit and who doesnt accept anything that is not "normal" ... I was his second chance of having a perfect woman since he failed with mom.
he always found a support in me and he made sure I was there whenever he needed me. well, my father story goes on and on but now days, when I look back, I exactly know what was going on with me and my father, but my mom.... she is a snake.
She doesnt have her own spine and she always go where she gets the best of it.
It is because my father abused her emotionally and she is totally under his control, but with her bahving, she makes a lot of mess. I notices couple of years ago that she can be very hypocritical, both of my parents are super hypocritical, but my mom in the way that you can never count on her, she will use your weakness to get come credits with my dad.
Also when I told her about bulimia, and I wasnt ready to tell it to my dad, one day we were all in the livingroom and she set next to my dad and said: "ok, she needs to tell you something!" I was just "what, i dont need to tell him anything!" and she went: "oh yes, you know about your problems!"
she once again pushed me on the edge and I needed to do something completely against my will. I needed to admit to my dad I have bulimia. I was so mad at my mom and still am.
and she has been doing it all the time.
you cant trust her with anything, she will always use it soon against you.
Isnt it sad that you cant trust your mom.
and the same was with the lighters the other day. she wanted me to admit to my dad that I smoked after I quit smoking....but I trusted her a while ago and told her that I go smoke sometimes when I feel like vomiting and it helps, because I need to go for a walk.
aaaaaaah!!
last conversation I had with my father we talked exactly the same thing about my mom. he said he will divorce her because she simply isnt his friend.
no my dad struggles with his business a bit and he claims she is not there for him, and she doesnt respect his wish not to talk about it with other people that much since the struggle seems to be only temporary and people are happy to see you go down. but instead, my mom is pretty loud about it and bla bla bla bla but the point is, my dad told me he hates that he cant trust her. Oh i know what he is walking about.
well to move forward, enough about my mom.
dad realized one thing that he already knew before and he will never accept it, but his daughter is an artist, bohem. we spent lots of time talking about it and it seemed like one time opportunity....to talk with the biggest enemy of gypsy life style about.........his daughter having that kind of life style. I had my minutes to try to explain to him that i am not going to change it and that this is me....with normal voice with no fight. wow.
on friday, I was about to meet my friends in austria but life wanted to give me even more,
I just opened my eyes and there was a msg from my friend asking me to come over for a coffee.
"wow wait a minute, it 9am, am awake for 5 seconds and I dont leave my apartment before being at least one hour awake. the answer is no!" I thought to myself.
but I dont know how, I dont know why....I said: "ok, im coming"
lol never did this before. but i missed moments when I live just with my feeling, when I follow the flow.
I felt like going for a coffee at my friends so fuck the routine, Im gone.
well, i did have bread and coffee at home so I go to the toilet before heading off, but didnt spend much time thinking why shouold I stay at home. soooo cool!!
straight form her place I took off to austria, was so exited about seeing those two beautiful people, they are me and my boyfriend's mutual friends. on the way to aut I got a phone call from my beloved friend, again, to my surprise I answered the phone....woohoo. I dont remember when was the last time I did something like this ... If i know she could call me for a catch up I would never catch up after meeting two friends already...but yesterday I set up another date ....
had an amazing time with my friend in austria and head down to slovenia straight away to my friend.
we went to my place and had wonderful chill out at my balcony. was so hot, we had music, drink, and simply enjoyed LIFE.
It reminded me so much to my life before bulimia came back for the last time, three years ago.
I just loved life, loved being alive, enjoying beauty around me and and enjoying those little things.
my only plan is not to have a plan....to go with the flow and all is good.
why worry why panic??
oh, I know: because my parents are such a pressure on me: what are you doing? when are you coming up to our palce? when are you getting up? what time are you going to bed? what time will you talk to your boyfriend? what time you start working on monday? when when when, what time what time what time....??????
aaaaaah#"$%&/()=?*!"#$%%& [ERROR]
so flow is good and flow always leads you to the goal you are suppose to reach. once upon a time I truly believed that.
well, chilling with my friend and spending the whole day outdoor, living life, nothing more, just simply living life and enjoying the beauty of the world, was enough for me to learn that there is a part of me waking up and a part of me dealing with bulimia. since I realized that, I found some peace within.
I am not that confused at the moment. I exactly know what is happening.
I am not ok all the tiime and I dont always keep my spirit high, I put the fight everyday up but on the other hand, I enjoy myself so much when life gives me some rest.
On my door there is new simple quote: "vse bo v redu!" and I can tell, since I put it on, every day makes much more sense. the quote is powerful and hopeful.
Take it easy, its just life!!
indeed it is.
I used to believe I dont have problems, I only have some obstacles to knock down every now and then the attitude seems to be coming back!
There is my mother's voice in my head calling me home, but this time I wont buy it. I am going with the flow whatever it takes.
bring on some life!
HAKUNA MATATA
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