no sign of sound

"yaki, look at thet fat one. fuuuuy, why people dont take care of theirsevs, gros!"
"and now her. she is 59,5 kg but that is way to much, you are the fattest in our comunity."
"you are fat!"
"you are gros!"

Then I woke up. Sweating and crying.
There were people in my dreams calling me fat and gros. I didnt know any of them, but when walking down the street, some guys were yelling after me: "yaki, look at thet fat one. fuuuuy, why people dont take care of theirsevs, gros!"
Then I decided to join the dieting group and they announced me as the fattes among all of the members. I got to slim down to 59,5kg and when they checked my weight they said: "and now her. she is 59,5 kg but that is way to much, you are the fattest in our comunity."
I felt awful and emberased, left alone. All of the members of the group celebrated their success but I was left in a corner, alone and all the people were picking on me, saying: "you are fat!"  "you are gros!"

Then I threw up.

Those were my dreams. My poor mind was attacked by bulimia in my head.
I dont know why I feel so fat these days. Yah, Have been eating more than usually but I dont seem to have any problem with meals at that point, but obviously something is catching up with me.
Bitch! I feel like am fattening and this is still my biggest fear. I am fine when I feel normal size, but as soon as I feel fat, I struggle with everyday activities.

yesterday I made it home from work at noon since I was bitten by a bee and have an alergy and I fell asleep at 230 and slept til 7pm. next morning I woke up from the nightmare at 5am, couldnt sleep so got up at 6 and made myself a coffee. I couldnt stop thinking about my dreams and I kept looking myself in the mirror, looking for a proof that dreams were right. Lifting my shirt on and on and checking out my fat legs.
I was caught in my little world, no sound no warmth and no smell. empty world where only weight matters.
I felt fat but didnt freak out, I was more like a plant in a corner, no life in me. I followed the breakfast and by 10 I was back to bed, still no sign of any life. I fell asleep until 2 pm, got up feeling shit still. made myself lunch and went back to bed. tried to remember which day is it today, what is the time and how am I feeling. No answer and still no sign of life. by 5 I felt a bit bored so went to the grociry store. cleand my apartment a bit and had dinner. sandwich and half of the milka chocolate and plain yogurt. my stomach hurts now. its 8 pm and am back to bed, still no sign of life, no sound in my head and no energy. I just keep checking myself out in the mirror and feeling huuuuuuuge and not pretty.
but I dont know where mcjagger is. is like he sent his younger brother to tourter me while he is away, but his brother dosnt know exactly how the tourtering goes. my luck unlucky day?! poh well I dont know i can tell am feeling pretty alone today.
The only sound I produced during the day was: "dont worry, staying in bed for a day doesnt mean you are dealing with the depression again. its still your day off, and tomorrow so, and back on monday you will make some activity plans. now do nothing and rest."
yesterday i spoke to my mother, she actually woke me up at 7pm from my long nap, and told her I was sleeping. she said: "oh! really! be careful you dont get used to napping everyday!"
whattttttt?? I need sleep. am tired!
what is bad about taking care of yourself? Jeezs, my parent can be so annoying sometimes!

I miss my boyfriend, tho I feel very very calm about our relationship, I love my relationship and it makes me feel complete, but nowdays Im missing his touch and his smell.

I need more sleep!
bye x