i feel useless and guilty.
but i guess my boyfriend is right and i need to stay at home and recover, after all i am still ill (bulimia) and need to be gentle with myself.
It might be flu but these days i have been feeling very emotional. I ended up crying my soul out every day after work. it started with some kind of frustration but soon i heard myself asking God "why?? why me? why eating disorders? such a shame! so many has bulimia taken from me!" i kind of feel sorry for myself for going trough all this. i am feeling sorry for myself for having an eating disorders.
I now see, finally, how much damage has bulimia done to me. mentaly and phisicly.
I seem to be grieving.
another stage in my rehab. hip hip!!
but its not joyful at all.
all i feel is negativity about myself and apart from that grieving hour after work, i am very mean to myself.
I am feeling FAT!!!!! and The UGLIEST!!!!
i forgot how it feels when those two are taking over my head.
every bit of my head id filled with this two thoughts!
I wake up, feeling fat.
I feel like I have gaind about 8 kilos since this monday.
then i go to the bathroom and see my face and i get disapointed "you again!"
how ugly my face is.
I dress up, and i realize, nothing looks good on me anymore. its awful.
i feel lame.
then i go to work and i feel like i am bad teacher and shitty person.
i live with this combination - ugly, fat, lame, useless - most of the day, then at 5pm i come home and at 6 i have my break down. i cry and feel sorry for myself then i yell to the world how ridiculously miserable people in the world are and how retarted and emotionally disabled they are.
it makes me upset and sad in a same time, especially since for a little time i tried to become like them.
keep quite, dont talk! no-one is interested in your life!
dont share your thoughts with anybody, they dont care. they mind theirselves only.
selfish bitches!!
i wanted to shut up completly myself.
it made me miserable!
it lasted just few days, but it i was miserable.
then i found it all so stupid!
uuuuuh!!!
dont talk about mylife.
booh hooh hoo ----- my life is a secret!!!
i dont want people to know i get hungry and i cant poo after eating oranges. uuuh scary!!
be quite ........ i dont want people to know my parent are one of the biggest hypocrits i have ever got a chance to know, no no, lets keep it for myself, because no-one has hypocrit parents.
ppppsh!! i dont wanna share with anyone my period is painful because people just dont get periods and i wanna keep it for myself i miss my boyfriend because there is no such thing out there as missing someone.
oh no. i am so strange and my life is such SIN.
(I am suppose to sound cinic and sarcastic)
its stupid!!!!!!
we all share same shit and we all feel the same.
why we live like we dont care. like my depression is better than yours, because I drink mint tea when depressed and your anxity is more frustraiting than mine just because your face is prettier than mine??????
what the fuck????
is it just me or it is really sad how emotionally disabeled people are becoming.
no.one know what to do with their feelings and sharing feelings with someone is the worst thing you can do because there is so many enemies out there and are waiting for the oportunity you get vulnerable enough to stab a knife in your back and kill you!!
yah my ass!
thats what they teach us!! thats what my mama has thaught me, but you know what...................i am like an open book, i tell everything about mylife to anyone----and no-one took advantage on me.
i am still alive and often when sharing my life i inspire people or make them feel better because they are not the only ones who feel that way.
yah, some people get bored of listening to my stories and they leave - god bless them. some people stay, but dont share as much with me -- god bless them.. some people think i shouldnt talk that much (mama, papa and the rest of the world) but thats fine-----god bless them.
the world is round, we should think of it less than a square and more like a circle.
we are one!
we all experiance life!
sometimes peole say.... "you should go for a walk if you are depressed!"
who are you to tell me i am doing it wrong because i am staying inside???
obviously it feels safer for me and thats alright.
just because you read in bloody magazine that walking help with depression you think thats what the whole world should do, if one does something else is labeled as wierd.
you know, also anti depressant pills help with depression and so does sex and chocolate..... yah, but it doesnt take it away because you need to fucking stay inside (*wherever inside feels safe for you!!) and deal with your fucking suppressed feelings, that mama and papa and society have thaught you to hide certain feelings if you want people to respect you. crying is a sign oof weaknes. REALLY???? feel!!! let yourself feel without judging yourself.
however you feel and whatever you feel is absolutely alright!!!!!!!
dont let sociaty wash your brain.
SOCIETY IS THE ONE THAT IS SICK, not you!!!
what is normal?
you are normal, not letting society ruin the beauty inside you. the beauty god gave you, the beauty that should be spread among all of us and not be blocked by some stupid number on a scale and by stupid size of trousers.... skinny is not normal....skinny is still skinny!! dont label things. as soon as u lable it, you ruin the main purpuse of it.
just unconditionally feel and love and explore and share!
dont fear, just understand and your body will get into the shape that is "normal" for your body.
all the extra weight will leave you and your body will become beautiful. trust life!
seriiously.
to me, some people say i am losing a lot of weight and i tell them it is because of my recovery and it will stop once my body reach the "perfect" shape.
do i believe myself what am saying now????
ABSOLUTELY YES!!!!!
just sometimes i get blinded by bulimia.
but i know my life is BEAUTIFUL comparing a year ago when i was still vomiting.
and i believe soon i will feel it with whole body of mine.
I know i will be able to count my blessing and leave my past behind. this day will come, when i am ready!
Keep FAITH!
LOVE UNCONDITIONALY!
FEEL FEARLESS!!
BE-EXIST!
SHARE YOUR BEAUTY!
Think BIGGER!
Think out of your box!
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