Numb

read with -->  Breathe!!!!

it just doesnt stop. i keep having breakdowns like rain in tropical forest. every day at same time.
in the morning i feel either ugly and fat and nervous or happy with some of my fave reggae.. I make myself lunch 1-ish and since that moment on i live 100% NUMB next four or five hours, i literally feel NOTHING!!!!
I dont feel my body at all (just pain in my butt). i dont feel any hunger, any cold, any breathing.
I blackout for those several hours. I go pee every hour but its like a moonwalk, dont even know it happened, i drink water and lie in bed. with TV on but i dont hear it. even i cant tell whats on my mind at that time, because i forgot everything. then at 5 oclock i start feeling some anxiety, feeling in my tights its extremelly nervous and its like it ichying me in my muscles. that feeling wakes me up from my numb-mode and i get out of bed (also on days when i worked, i would have one hour "rest" and got out of bed at 6), put my slippers on, make myself cup of mint tea and i sit on a desk in my bedroom. everyday same move, at same time, in a same place. i starts crying just like that. like someone turned my crying program on.
I burst into tears. I cry hyisterically. My emotional pipe is fully open and the emotion coming out is sadness.
I am sadden how difficult my life is. I feel sorry for my own self, for being a victim of eating disorders and for needing to fight that much for survival. i feel lonely and i am sad i feel need to lonely. I fear, my ego is bringing me down, telling me i wil never get well and telling i might even die. i am scared for my health. i am sad for how much pain goes in and out my body. i feel like no-one is helping me (apart from my boyfriend) and i am sad because no-one is helping me with my battle with bulimia. I get sad because people are so careless and because i realize i dont have a friend who would call me when struggling with life. at least those that i thought are cool and my close friends......yah, i might tell them about my struggles because thats how i am, i tell everyone about my struggles, but they never tell me anything, just they disappear for a week then txt me:Was so lost last week but am fine now, life is so beautiful now and i love my man and he loves me and i am just doing amazingly and flowers are blooming in the middle of winter in my life........................................... FUCK YOU!!!!
yah, your life is even better than cindarela's when her pumpkin turned into real carrage.
asses.
i dont even know what i want from my friends.
fuck it. i want them all to be as open as i am, but they arent. or i dont have that luck with friends.
maybe is just my bulimia trying to see bad in friends and so she can isolate me.
i so badly need honest people at the moment.
because i dont believe anyone. there are some people that i believed they are cool, but they arent. those certain people are the biggest bitches i know.
after crying out all the sadness about my friends, i cry some more because i feel nothing. then i try and "go into my body" just like my therapist told me to do, and i lose my mind again because i feel nothing.
i fucking wanna feel my body.
i dont feel my bloody body!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just realized few minutes ago, when having that big break down, i dont feel things in my body since i stoped vomiting.
before, i felt my body waaaay too much, i remember some unknown feeling taking control over my entire body and at one point i exploded and puked. since i dont puke, theres no that feeling any more.
yah some of it went out, some of it got new shape but some of it is just locked somewhere inside my body and i dont know how to let it out.
i am tired of this slow process it feels like nothings changing and things arent doing better. yah, some of it, yah sure, also i can see, but i still fucking HATEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE my fucking body and my fucking self and my fucking numb life.
i just wanna be happy and feel happiness in my body i wanna be FREE!!!!!!!!!!
i wanna believe and have faith, i dont wanna live in constant fear things aint gonna be ok anymore. i cnt take it much longer.

i want magic wand and be well in a minute. like in a fairy tale! i wanna live in present and not being sabotaged by past over and over again. i need this negativity to stop and i wanna fall inlove. i wanna smile and laugh and wonder around town doing random things. i wanna feel excitment about LIFE, i wanna be spontaneous and most of all i wanna be PRESENT!!! I wanna sing out loud, i wanna experiment with my style, i wanna be bold again and i wanna be playful and boobly again. i wanna dance on and on and i wanna talk to random strangers. I wanna feel heathy and young, and not ill and old. i wanna let sun warm my body deep trough. I wanna see colors and i dont wanna be afraid. i dont wanna keep walls. i dnt wanna feel that heavy feeling on my chests anymore.
I wanna break free!
I wanna be ME.

i havent taken antidepressant for four days. not on purpuse, but i ran out and then i got flu so was stuck indoor, and planned on picking them from pharmacy yesterday  before my therapy, but was still sick so didnt go. two days aint that big of a deal, and i thought also five wont really kill me.
then i looked online a bit about how to withdrawl AD and there was a flood of people's stories how difficutl was to stop taking AD and how you get even more depressed and how you lose your mind.....am not saying this is not true, coz i know can be, but i just got the idea i wanna stop with AD. maybe dont feel my body because of meds. some people would say they didnt realize how numb they were until they stopped taking AD and after, they were full of life and feelings.

i so would but i can be bothered now with all those withdrwal symptoms............if i get them too. i might not to tho coz i never really felt a big change after started taking AD and i wouldnt say my mood stabilazed at all, i still have big episoded, breaking down every 5 - 8 weeks, so maybe meds dont have such strong impact on me, and also stop taking them wouldnt be a panic....but i know you cant tell for sure......eh, i think am getting new box on monday.