In your face!!

"you are ugly!"
"you are fat, uselss and not worthy. you are lame and boring. you are rubbish and you stink. you are a mess and you are pain in anyone's ass. you are trouble and you nobody!"

"you are not going to london, because you are not able to change a train."
"you are staying home, because you are too lame to go out!"
"no-one cares about you!"

"stay at home, dont get a ticket, you will not be able to travel from the airport to her place, you dont know the numbers. do you hear me, you dont know the numbers!"
"beside that, you are lame and ugly. ugly people dont trevel."

"get ready for a break up. this time, you guys will break up. its all fake. he lies. he doesnt care."
"and its all because you are not worthy and just a dumbass."

"dont call her, dont bother people. she is not your frined. you have no friends. no-one likes you. vbecause you are fat and ugly. you are a bug, leave people alone!"

"your dad is right, the world doesnt revolve around you! you are garbage. you just think you are a smartass but you are a rat! face it. give up. your dad is right, you will never achieve anything with this difficult character of yours. you are lame the way you are and he is right, you should grow up and stop looking like a clown. get it?"

"no really, you aint going to london. you are retarted. you cant travel on your own. you wont be able to make it from the airport to her place. retarted people dont travel. you dont know numbers. u r totally staying at home. you are too lame to travel. you just annoy people with who you are, leave them alone. stay away from them,be respectful, give them a break. they need to rest, no-one has time for you. you are not worthy. they have plenty of better things to do. and you are ugly. and you dont know the numbers."

"he doesnt like you. he will break up with you. who wants to be with such a mess? any, just any other girl is better than you. point one, and she is better. everyone is better than you. you come the last. he wont stay with you."

"dont eat. you are fat. if you eat, you go puke. i dont care if you havent been puking for a yr, no-one cares, will you ever understand that? dont eat you fat ass!"

"you are giant!"

"you are the ugliest!"

"how can you live with yourself. so lame!"

"dont go to london, you dont know the numbers, you cant change two trains. you are not smart!"

"go vomit!"

"dont call her for help!!!!! no-one can help you, you are lame!!"

"you stink. you are ugly!"

"he doesnt love you. trust me. there is nothing to love with you. say goodbye. trust me."

"no-one likes you, no-one cares about you. people think you are the lamest. you are weird. you have no friends. ofcourse you dont, you are stinky and lame.you will die alone and no-one will ever love you, you dont deserve it!"

"stop crying you bitch. you have no reason to cry. you deserve it. dont sleep! i said dont sleep!"

"you are the most selfish person i have ever known. you have no soul and no heart. you are no-one! you selfish bitch!"


the voice in my head just didnt stop.
it tortured me for days, didnt let me eat, didnt let me sleep.
but i did call out for help anyway, i did call my friend and asked her to come over because i cant take it anymore and all i want is to puke. i needed help. I asked her to stay with me. i asked her to go to town with me. i cried with her. i called another friend in the middle of the night because i was losing myself. i was losing control.
i was awake all night, and next one too, and next one i slept for just two hours becaus ei had nightmare. i had a dream the whole town gather together and bullied me. called me fat, ugly and not worthy.
I had dreams about my father yelling at me how dumbass i am and how lame i am.
after few days i got so exhausted i was sure i will give in. i couldnt take it anymore.

but my friend was with me most of the time when it got hard, my boyfriend less last week, he had his stuff. i wasnt used to it so i was panicing and dramatizing. to one point, i had reason, but from a certian point on, no.
i was so down i dont remember when was the last one bulimia attacked me so much, i think it was in summer.

i told my friend i dont wanna go to london and when i told her why, she was just wtf? so she told me she will take me to the airport, if she wouldnt, i would never go to lonodon because bulimia was winning me.
another friend also kept calling me, making sure i am getting ready for london and not giving in, because that would make bulimia win. also my boyfriend did kick my ass and told me to go.

but i was telling them, i cant read numbers and i am not good with english, i cant read signs and i will end up in menchester. they all tried to shut me down with: "wtf, says a woman who traveled half of the world????"
my friend came pick me up and took me to the airport.
i felt good as soon as i arrived to the airport.
it felt right.
airports are always good signs and alsways feel good.
it is where i belong. I am child of the world. I am born to travel.
incredible feeling of freedom.
all went well. arrived to Luton, took bus to the trainstation, took train to the king's cross, took underground 8 stops, changed a line and made it to my friends. while waiting for her to meet me outside, i thought to my self: "jeez, i really CAN read numbers!"

Time with my friend was absolutely great. it was easy going and the a bt wild going, but however, it made me overthink less and i was pretty relaxed and present. i like my friend.
We had great time together.
i met situations when i thought i will die, like meeting 20 new people for new year, eating junk food and not eating regulary, sleeping little and drinking some alcohol. all those are no no for me, but i maneged to survive and all was good. i was able to voice my needs, i asked for food when i was hungry and i didnt drink when i didnt feel like.
once we had dinner outside and as proper london ppl we had hamburguer, and i couldnt finish it because bulimia was with me, calling me fat and lame again. but i stopped eating and told her to fuck off, that i am in london with my beloved friend and i am not willing to miss this time just because she (bulimia) has too much time. so we left and outside i felt better. we met one of her friends and i wasnt nervous much, just a little bit because this voice in my head was telling me he wont like me because i am lame, but my friend told me he will love me becaus ei am so cool.
on the street it happened ofetn that guys looked after me or said hi, looked at me and my friend would go: "aaah look at you, you got a blink!" and i was just like: "nah, it wasnt for me!"
such things make me sad.
not that i need flirting, but i just want to acknowlege the fact i am attractive woman and not ugly. and those guys were very well looking, they were stylish.

anyway after i survived everything and met all the people i was afraid to meet and it didnt hurt afterall, i had that feeling like: "i know my life just got better!"
but when took my finaly train to the airport and i felt pretty ok, i thought to myself:
"you know what, IN YOUR FACE BULIMIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

she thoughht she can play games on me....well she still can, obviously, but i am getting stronger, you bitch!!


more IN YOUR FACE, Bulimia!

woke up early, couldnt sleep, i got ill. made myself breakfast and read a book, then spoke to my boyfriend and then had snack (glass of orange juice and cereal wit milk) i also had pretty heatlhy lunch. then went to the post office and around and stoped by in the local shop and bought myself a flower for because i care about myself and a "lucky bamboo" because i am doing well with my rehab.
i just thought if someone else was on a rehab that i knew, i would love to make him feel special and appreciated and would pay a lot of attention on little thoughts. my boyfriend is like this, he always pays a lot attention on my progress and always gets me something little just so i dont forget my fight is appreciated.
and so today i am my own friend and gave myself a gift.
my bamboo is called Faith.
now I have three plants at home, Love Faith and Hope.
Love is an orchid i got from my boyfriend two years ago -  one evening, when i was at the toilet puking as usually, my phone rang. I ignored it, as usual. after few hours i had 12 missed calls from one number. i ignored and did some more puking. next day the same. then finally i answered the phone and the lady on the other side said: i have something for you, am outside your house. would you mind coming outside?"
for me?
what on the earth?
it was a beautiful, big orchid with a note from my boyfriend.
I named her Love.

i am very bad with plants, but love has been surviving very well. i take good care of her and i am so proud of her. then there is Hope. i dont know what kind of plant it is, but i got it from my friend for recovering. the plant got lice and was dying. but i cut everything off, just let some roots, and after few weeks it started growing again, so I named her Hope. and my lucky bamboo is called Faith because there is always faith i will recover. bamboo i bought myself is pretty big and healthy and it represents my recovery.

I got two more plants from my friends regarding to my rehab, but one friend was shit so i got rid of her plant, i believed energy was bad, and with the another friend we had fight and i killed the plant she gave me. (im good with my friend now but have no plant of hers lol)

I hate bad energy. if you dont mean good, just stay out of my life.

in your face, bulimia!!