I didnt get very merry during this year christmas.
So sad.
It was expected, sure, but reality hurts anyway.
After the whole week of really working on myself and getting ready for xmas, first day up here was ok, but then i realize i cannot leave today, because today is a holiday as well so i am staying here until tomorrow morning. and just this one extra day was too much.
I can be with my family one day only, more than one day equals disaster.
Woke up late this morning, worn out and sad realizing I am still at my parent place. I just love my bed, I have new mattress, perfect and my body really loves it, but my room really got very cold and it is kind of more warehouse than someones room...but like i said, mattress is perfect. my room has a story.
three years ago, my mom and dad decided to renovate my room, to get at least new bed in, and then i got some money and they said: "oh now you have money, so you can buy yourself a room!" that was enough for me to buy new furniture. I spent loads of money on it and soon I realized they played me well and so i hated my new room. I would never sleep in my room, never used my bed. I dont know how come i am using it now, i guess i just care about myself much more and i find it important to rest well.
So yah, I love my bed.
let me go back to my point.
I woke up I think around 10 in the morning and went downstairs, no-one was awake but my father. we had a little chat in the kitchen and my anxiety eased a little bit. went out with my dog, taught her two new tricks and things were ok, until lunch.
Lunch time as usually represented society danger, all of us together: not good!!! Run if you can!!!
First my father, who spent the whole xmas in comuter room ignoring us and walked out of that room few times a day and just made a mess, jelled at someone and then went back, started yelling at my grandmother (his mother) how fat she is and how she is ruining her life with smoking and overweight. she obviously refused that fact and so the fight began. then my mom said: "dont say it, you are even worse!" and he said: "if you were a good wife, you would cook healthy food for me and you would never let me wat white bread since you know i am not aloud to eat white bread......" and I cut in between and said: "Stop, guys, stop. i cant listen to you guys anymore. at least when i am here dont discuss that shit...all you do is just blame one another. you behave like a kid!" and he ofcourse freaked out: "shut up, just shut up, you think the whole world runs around you, well it doesnt. you think you are smart ass but the truth is you are just no-body. you are 26 and you are like 70, so sick all the time and not able to take care of your self, when i was your age i didnt know what the doctor is. stay away from my life and from what me and your mother have, im done with you, you smartass!"
and he slamed the door and left.
I ofcourse started crying, felt very hurt and i just couldnt believe it did happen after all.
The whole xmas time we tried very hard to stay away from eachother, our home was very sad. my brother and his girlfrend spent most of the day or in thir room or outside, my grandma was outside smoking, my mom was making food or keeping herslef somewhere safe and I was there, waiting for the family moment, because i am too pussy to say "fuck u all, i dont care" and as a good daughter I came here so the "family" will be completed. and i seemed to be the onlyone who cared.
my father who was always torturing us with the fact xmas is family holiday and would never let us breath during xmas time totally let us down, like i said he was stuck in a computer room and every now and then he would just roar out of that room and made us feel like shits.
It was actually quite a schock to realize how my family changed and how skilled they have become in avoiding eachother. thats how they live now. and I keep that memory in my head : "family together together together.........." fucking together, because if i am not part of it i dont love them, i dont respect them, i am careless....and after all these years they are just not together and just dont care.
Iwas really surprized I was the only one who cared.
seriously?????
They just dont care!
after my casual fight with my dad my mom and my brther both started telling me: "dont care, dont let yourself feel bad because of him. it is not worth it and it will not change anything. it is always the same so just let go. forget about it dont torture youself."
I told them: "but i do. i care all the time, i cant let go, i am overthinking all the fucking time, i never let go. that is my bloody problem, get it????"
they dont understand. they both heard my words but i think they couldnt understand why i still give a fuck!!
I have been fucking raised that way!!!!!
my mom a little bit let go with me since i am on a rehab, but stills he is very possesive and she wants me next to her all the time bcause that makes her feel better, i am her filter between her and him. when i am at their place they have less time giving shit to wone another. so my mom even wants me to be with her for new year (WTF?!?!?!?) because thats how she will have someone with her and she wont be alone facing her failed marrige. but at one point sometimes she honestly let go and understands i cant be with her.
but before my rehab and before my mom discovered the world of eating disorders (that she never explored very well) she gave a lot of shit to me, she did. she was possesive to the point when she would want me next to her all the time, i want aloud to visit my friend on a wheelchair for more than 45 minutes, she would call me to come home and if i wouldnt, she would whine and complain how disrecpectful i am and if i love my friends more i should just move in with them if i dont care about family at all. she would call me selfish and she would always get uspet when i went out a little bit, she wanted to know who i go out with and why!
there was no chance for me not to come over for a weekend, that wasnt an option. she would drag me up to this place but my father would yell at me all the time and not let me go back home on sunday eve for example. he would always yell at me how all normal people get up earlier on monday morning and drive backt to ljubljana. but i didnt want to. i wanted to wake up in my bed in ljubljana on monday morning.
we would never spent weekends together, never did anything together, just eating and fighting. thats it.
sometimes my mom and i would start talking while having a coffee but never finished it because she never had nerves for me. in the middle of the conversation (i admit, most of the time i would talk) she would just leave, sometimes to do the laundery, sometimes to make some calls. my brother hasnt been very active with "family" since he has this girlfriend and my father spent all the weekends in computer room and yelling at us. we just never had any family time.
i was always called up to their place just so they dont need to interact with one another.
and i cared so much. so much i would talke all their poblems, biinge them, chew them and puked them!
i did my job great.
I was always such an easy prey.
have been refusing all those years the fact my family sucks. that wasnt an option, i could nevr admit, no matter who told me it sucks.... but recently i started realizing.... you know what..... to be honest.....my family sucks!
talk to my father alone, he might be nice sometimes, talk to my mothr alone, she might be very cool but both together is such a mistake and such a disaster!!!!
we are not family. we are not nice with one another. we dont have unconditional love running among us. there is no warmth among us. we are cold. we are separate and we dont care.
I cant really describe with words my sadden emotions.
Po celem telesu cutim zalost, v glavi slisim kricanje, na skupne druzinske trenutke imam grenke spomine. Nic lepega me ne veze na njih, in se vsak let trenutek, ki smo ga uspeli preziveti skupaj, je bil unicen z necloveskim prepirom....bodisi zaradi mene ali zarada oceta ali zaradi mojega brata ali zaradi unicenega zakona. ce vprasas mojega oceta, sem kriva jaz. vedno to rece. jaz in moj tezak, nevzdrzen, neznosen karakter. moja trma in slaba volja, moj cuden stil obnasanja ali pa moji slabi, depresivni dnevi.....kriva sem.
ce vprasas mene, je kriva nesrecna kombinacija dveh teles ki sta se spravili skupaj za voljo dveh novih zivljenj.
imam trenutke, ko si mislim....nisem jezna. ce bi bilo bolj prijazni do mene n bolj razumljivi, bi mogoce obticala z njimi, tako pa sem nasla neko alternativo in sem tik pred tem, da svobodno zazivim svoje zivljenje. nevem, prevec sem se zmedena, da bi razumela. ne trudim se vec razumet, rada bi odmislislila in se posvetila le sebi, svoji druzini, svoji prihodnosti, svoji ljubezni, svojim potrebam, svojim cutenjem.
Sem kriva jaz? ok! sprejmem. kriva sem sama, ampak pustite me pri miru. pustite me ziveti po svoje! dajte mi mir.
Koneckoncev sem vesela, da sem ta bozic prezivela z domacimi, saj sem pomoje dokoncno dojela, da moja druzina ni sveta in je krneki. v tej druzini ni nobene lepote, in nobene topline.
I am going back to my roots.
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