Overwhelming times

Ok, I need this post.
I must write and pretend I am dealing with myself, although this is just redirecting myself instead of taking time, going into my body and deal with it there.
But I am not in the mood to do it, or at least one of my selves isn't in the mood.

Not going there to figure that out.

But. I has been so hard lately I don't even know anymore whether all of it is just a joke or there is life giving me harder tasks since I have toughen up a bit.

I am having everyday struggles, Nothing major, but it seems like every bit of it is a slap into my face and I simply don't know how to handle it.
I shut myself down and I refuse to feel. So Now I am FAT! Like big time FAT!!
Am I really fat or not, I don't know! Because it feels real. I don't know how I look like.
But one of the voice in my head is telling me I have gained some weight in last few weeks, then another is telling me I was never even smaller shape, then another is telling me those are just emotions glued no my body, then the fourth voice is laughing at me how naïve and vulnerable I am.
It is chaos. It is 7 oclock in the morning and it is chaos in my head and pain and disgust in my body.

Every bit of stress, frustration, anger, anxiety, fear,  euphoria .... that hasn't been dealt with is now glued on my body. Tights the most this time.
I hate my tights.

We are going towards the end of the school year so the work is overwhelming.
Kids are all over the place and we are settling up the schedule for the next year.
Yah, normal life situation. But not if you are afraid of your boss just because he reminds you too much of your father. And this very much the same scary boss is the one who is making a schedule for you for next year. But I don't like the schedule he has for me. Working with kids with special needs (is a blessing. It is the most beautiful mission one could have) is not easy. Working with kids with special needs with no break for 7-8 hours is not good for the kids with special needs...
Full time recovery and part time study is overwhelming, so I asked to work for 6 hours next year, be home by 2pm. My request was not approved.
OK. but the way he did it was nasty. I know it fits into my schedule, because I had seen it before I asked for 6 hours, then he came to me randomly while working with kids and told me it does nto fit into the schedule and that I should know I am earning a lot of money and I would never earn the same in Slovene school, he played a game of me feeling guilty. He needs me there for 8 hours so he can use me at any time. He always uses me for any subbing, duty and other shit. But with me leaving earlier it would give him less time to use me.
It reminds me of my dad when he always wanted me to come up to their place every single weekend although he would never spend more than 10 minutes with me, 7 of those minutes were not quality time at all.  but I needed to be there.
just in case he needs to break down and yell so I am there and he can use me for that, blame me and made me thisnk it is my fault. Just in case him and mom would hate each other on that day so he has someone else to fight with.
I could never understand that, why does he need  me next to him, but I did it every time.
over and over again.
I suffered, I did not want to be there, but I was.
I wasn't allowed to hang out with my friends, or after a hour of being out of the house I would get a phone call to come home. both him and my mom were angry with me for not being at home and blaming me and talling me they give so much and I just stab them in the back and I spend no time with them and I don't respect them and if my friends mean more to me I should go to my friends ..... I never understood why they are this way. I was told they are toxic parents, very passive aggressive, obsessive, using me for their filter, but I did not really understand what does that mean.
I enver understood why they don't let me be free????
why they were sooooo obsessed with me???
same feeling I have with my boss. he is so aggressive. he learn my weakness and he is using it. using it well. I always agree into stuff without knowing, then I come home and I hate myself for not saying no, not standing up for myself. I am scared of my own self.
And I have been caught into this web for over a year now. before I didn't even notice but now it is getting out of control. It causes so much ache.
I ahte being at work. I am having panic attacks ever morning and break downs everytime I leave the school. Every time I see him walk around I panic, what did I do wrong??? just like I feel when my father is around.
Being aware of it is harder than you think. it is easier to be just manipulated than being manipulated infront of your won eyes.

I  am getting married in three weeks and I am kinds relaxed but my mom is chocking me.
Everytime we speak she is sooooooo using me for her own emotions. making me feel guilty. her voice is heavy and depressed, sighing all the time and complaining.
I react. I always react.
If I don't react, I hate myself for not reacting and letting her make me feel so guilty but if I tell her off I hate myself for hurting her feelings.
My dad doesn't call me much.
Tday I cried because it is Saturday and I haven't heard from my mom since Thursday, when I told her we are not coming fr a visit this weekend.
Not that I miss her too much, but this very same mother who has a power of making me feel guilty for not keeping intouch ignores me, according to her because she is too busy??
I would say Really you bitch?? if it wasn't about my mother, I cant call her this way, but REALLY?????? what gives you the right to say to me I am such ungrateful child because I am avoiding them and ignoring them and not respecting then and I don't know what else, where you are worst than I ever was???
I get busy too, I get overwhelmed also, I wanna throw my phone somewhere not to see it ever again sometimes also, but I am expected to be there every single time you want me to??????
What gives you the right to treat me this way and FAIL yourself the same time????

I don't know how to handle it? how to live with it? what to do?
Whatever  I do I feel awful!
I hate myself for whatever I do.
Regarding to my boss, my father, my mother and not to mention all those people I kinda call friends.
what the fuck.
I don't know do I have a sign on my forehead saying: feel free to say anything you want about me, to me?
I mean I might be kind of open person and talk about personal stuff but where does this give you a right to say it to my face "You look tired. You are stressed because of wedding. your thighs look bigger in those pants. You are losing weight? what diet are you on? This is not a good decision?

SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT THE FUCK UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP?!!!!!!!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I did not ask you to comment me, I did not ask you to advice me, I did not ask you anything, so control yourself and shut the fuck up!
I really struggle with people. I don't like people.
I hate people.
No-one inspires me.
Like I have one persont hat I find inspiring and my partner.
One plus my partner.
I am So UNHAPPY!!!!!

I am overwhelmed from all those little things I guess called life, but it gets me.
they screw up with me.
they make me stay awake most of  the night or sleep but have night mares.
they make me hate myself and feel fat.
they make me tired.
they make me be unhappy.
I am so unhappy.

I am afraid I will not be able to handle my self for much longer and I will literally punch the next smart ass minding my business or I will give myself a hardcore punch and slip few steps backwards.

People.
I really dislike people.

Yah yah yah I know, if I don't like myself and if I don't find an inspiration in my own self I will never be happy.
but still, people make me sick.

so much.

They are all so narrow minded.
My friends fucking know I am recovering from bulimia and yet they tlak to me about their diets and how they are losing weight and about their exercise plans and that random bullshit, telling me I am losing weight after asking them not to tell me this (WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!) and asking me for the diet tips.
and yet I am expected to remain SANE?????If I snap and say something back I am the weird, unstable one.
but they can all say shit they want????

Everything is coming out.
I am afraid I will not be able to handle my parents at the wedding.
I am afraid I am not strong enough for them. I mean I know I am not strong enough when it comes to my parents but that even my own wedding day wont be my day because of my family drama. I am afraid I will give in.

If I could turn back time I would never tell anyone about the wedding and just do it the way we both wanted ...... but did not do it because we kidn of wanted to keep the families happy.
I would choose to say Screw you, even if we don't talk ever again but I am doing the wedding MY way. with none of you around!

to make it even more sick, my boss and his wife are coming because I was too weak to say no when they (she) invited their selves.
That was before we even knew how our wedding will be but I knew my class will be there, and she asked if she can come too. I was shocked and said yes.
she never forgot about it.
after six months she was still talking about it and I knew I am screwed. I will never tell her not to come. I am too weak.
and here it is, all this shit coming out, chocking me,
I am drowning in this shit.
And it will not stop.

I have to live with it, with my own weakness and my own mistakes. I don't know how.
I am afraid of myself and I have no faith to hold on to right now.
I am faithless and everything seems so dark and hopeless.

I see no joy.
I feel no joy.

There is no joy.

Infact, there is. My children at school. Miracle children. Everyday. And you, my lovelies, you who I don't know, but who read my blog and write me nice messages, thanking me for being honest, telling me how much you like my blog, how this is your place to just rest for a bit, where you feel who you are and not lost in this big scary world of eating disorders.
When I started writing blog I actually still believed blogging is very odd and infact stupid. why would someone want to put himself out there, talk personal stuff with the world that doesn't actually exist.

Then I accepted my bulimia diagnosis but I just could not and could not accept the narrow thinking of people and friend around me, telling me I should just jog, eat healthy, deal with my issues on my own.
I was told often people just don't understand.
Yah hell yah, but those who are a bit (too) close to my life should just learn to understand, otherwise get the hell out of my life.
I was told so often this is not how life goes and if I one does not have any experience with ED one cant understand me.
Yah I know, people get you to certain point, up to lets say depression.
Beyond depression and anxiety there is nothing for them, they don't relate to you any more.
Ok, I understand.
But just learn about it.
If you don't try to understand ED then you cant stay in my life.
I am not asking to save me, but just to not shut me down everytime I say I feel fat.
If I have to understand people that they don't get me why people would not try and understand me.
When I say I feel fat I don't need you to say I am not or I should just try some new diet and not eat after 6pm.
Just try to learn to understand what are the possible reasons why I feel fat.
I am not talking about all the people, just those who kind of stick to your life from such and such reason. And don't tell me this is too much to ask. To get a book or make a small research online about what ED is.
At least my experience with people were awful!
Now I am grateful I could get rid of those kind of people. I mean they owe me nothing, but neither do I owe them anything.

SO I thought I could get a bit honest about ED on here where I can remain anonymous.
I thought just few people will   read it but in fact, this blog took off after just few months.
I know it is a good place for you to be, here you don't feel alone, here you can relate, most times. Here you are not judged. At least for me is like this. I don't know if you get my GO FIND HELP message but if you made it up here and can relate to my writing then you know you have problem, which is a good start!!!! Congratulations. Now just take it to the next level.
Often they would tell me they don't wanna go to the rehab because they have no faith, they are hopeless, they have had ED for half of the life.... I mean this is actually like saying you are too dirty to take a bath. Of course you are faithless and know no other life than eating disorder life, but this can only be changed if you go to rehab. then you gradually get faith back and your life is more than just eating disorder. And yes it sucks, but you owe it to yourself!!!
being out there is scary and the would is so mean, so cruel, so cold.
being on those pills sucks and psychiatrists suck or at least it takes good amount of time to find the one you feel comfortable with and even more time to trust the therapist.
It has to be the perfect commination of doctors and outside support to stop lying. this is what I found the hardest. to stop lying.
but I did and it is so liberating.

I know not only anorexic and bulimic people read my blog.
I got few emails from friends and partners asking me how to help their partners/friends and telling me my blog helps them understand their partners/friends mind better.
Which was my initial reason why this blog.

So now I don't know what touches me more.....those who suffer and find help on my blog or those who wanna understand their beloved ones.
I guess it is a whole.

we don't know eachother, yet we are so close.
We know eachother more than we think.

I am not over yet but if you ever feel like talking to someone who knows what you are going trough (at least for me this is always so relieving) flick me an email to recover.from.bulimia@gmail.com

you can go on and on and I will not judge. I might be able to give you some advice or be supportive or just be there, on the other side, reading what you got to say.

And remember: BULIMIA/ANOREXIA is NOT your fault!!!

Now tell your all 5 voices in your head to go fuck their selves and see what happens.
let me know.

How did you feel?
Did you feel fine?
Did you feel nothing?
Did you puke?
Did you break down?
....

Let yourself feel.
Whatever it is, it is ok!