[FROM THE PREVOUS POST]
There is no joy.
Infact, there is. My children at school. Miracle children. Everyday. And you, my lovelies, you who I don't know, but who read my blog and write me nice messages, thanking me for being honest, telling me how much you like my blog, how this is your place to just rest for a bit, where you feel who you are and not lost in this big scary world of eating disorders.
When I started writing blog I actually still believed blogging is very odd and infact stupid. why would someone want to put himself out there, talk personal stuff with the world that doesn't actually exist.
Then I accepted my bulimia diagnosis but I just could not and could not accept the narrow thinking of people and friend around me, telling me I should just jog, eat healthy, deal with my issues on my own.
I was told often people just don't understand.
Yah hell yah, but those who are a bit (too) close to my life should just learn to understand, otherwise get the hell out of my life.
I was told so often this is not how life goes and if I one does not have any experience with ED one cant understand me.
Yah I know, people get you to certain point, up to lets say depression.
Beyond depression and anxiety there is nothing for them, they don't relate to you any more.
Ok, I understand.
But just learn about it.
If you don't try to understand ED then you cant stay in my life.
I am not asking to save me, but just to not shut me down everytime I say I feel fat.
If I have to understand people that they don't get me why people would not try and understand me.
When I say I feel fat I don't need you to say I am not or I should just try some new diet and not eat after 6pm.
Just try to learn to understand what are the possible reasons why I feel fat.
I am not talking about all the people, just those who kind of stick to your life from such and such reason. And don't tell me this is too much to ask. To get a book or make a small research online about what ED is.
At least my experience with people were awful!
Now I am grateful I could get rid of those kind of people. I mean they owe me nothing, but neither do I owe them anything.
SO I thought I could get a bit honest about ED on here where I can remain anonymous.
I thought just few people will read it but in fact, this blog took off after just few months.
I know it is a good place for you to be, here you don't feel alone, here you can relate, most times. Here you are not judged. At least for me is like this. I don't know if you get my GO FIND HELP message but if you made it up here and can relate to my writing then you know you have problem, which is a good start!!!! Congratulations. Now just take it to the next level.
Often they would tell me they don't wanna go to the rehab because they have no faith, they are hopeless, they have had ED for half of the life.... I mean this is actually like saying you are too dirty to take a bath. Of course you are faithless and know no other life than eating disorder life, but this can only be changed if you go to rehab. then you gradually get faith back and your life is more than just eating disorder. And yes it sucks, but you owe it to yourself!!!
being out there is scary and the would is so mean, so cruel, so cold.
being on those pills sucks and psychiatrists suck or at least it takes good amount of time to find the one you feel comfortable with and even more time to trust the therapist.
It has to be the perfect commination of doctors and outside support to stop lying. this is what I found the hardest. to stop lying.
but I did and it is so liberating.
I know not only anorexic and bulimic people read my blog.
I got few emails from friends and partners asking me how to help their partners/friends and telling me my blog helps them understand their partners/friends mind better.
Which was my initial reason why this blog.
So now I don't know what touches me more.....those who suffer and find help on my blog or those who wanna understand their beloved ones.
I guess it is a whole.
we don't know eachother, yet we are so close.
We know eachother more than we think.
I am not over yet but if you ever feel like talking to someone who knows what you are going trough (at least for me this is always so relieving) flick me an email to recover.from.bulimia@gmail.com
you can go on and on and I will not judge. I might be able to give you some advice or be supportive or just be there, on the other side, reading what you got to say.
And remember: BULIMIA/ANOREXIA is NOT your fault!!!
Now tell your all 5 voices in your head to go fuck their selves and see what happens.
let me know.
How did you feel?
Did you feel fine?
Did you feel nothing?
Did you puke?
Did you break down?
....
Let yourself feel.
Whatever it is, it is ok!
..............................................................................................................................................................
Tribute. Poklon.
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