I got married.

I got married.
A week ago.
So I am a wife now. It feels good.
I feel more complete.

Its slowly getting more obvious but I can feel some.

I am still exhausted though, we had people over for about 10 days, intense hanging out, I lost my routine which sucked but I kind of managed to hold myself together.
The work sucked last days more than ever, it made me sick and it got nasty.
I work for nasty people and I hope this is our last year here.
I don't even wanna go there right now, but it  caused so much stress I vomited.
Not that I made myself vomit, but my stomach simply couldn't take it anymore and I collapsed.

Then my partners parents came, stayed a night and left, then his best friends came and his sister.
a lot of eating outside.
I tried hard to hold myself together.

I had flu and fever of 38 degrees.
I don't know how i functioned but i did.

Saturday I had my hens party and it was good.
No major breakdowns. Just nice girly evening and then hard core party until 8 in the morning, which just toughen up my flu.
Not to stop, we hosted people during the week from New Zealand, i tried to keep sane so i just shut all the voices down, meaning i stopped feeling. That is probably how I made it through big stress, that wasn't even caused by me, my bulimia or my family as i am used to it, but by random not serious people.
The night before wedding was the first night when i was in bed by midnight.

I woke up at 7 next day, in tears because i was so tired.
My stomach couldn't take anything in.
I guess because i was sick and because i was nervous.
at 11.30 am i left my parents place and met my maid of honour at the venue, where we got ready for the wedding at 5.

I tried to eat some soup because i knew i hadn't been eating any for two days and i new i had to eat.
I made myself finish the soup, made me more sick than anything, but i kept it and i think it did me good any way.
at around 3 o'clock i couldn't hide bulimia any more......
I had my first proper panic attack ------ What if i am not beautiful, what if I am not skinny enough, what if i will look fat, what if i am not worth anything?
I don't really know how i managed to get ready, I guess it was my bridesmaid who kept me busy with making my make up, i don't know.

When I was ready, I wasn't happy with the way I looked.
I didn't like my body, my face, my posture, my life......
I was disgusted with my own self, like uncountable times before, but this really wasn't the good time to feel this shitty.

We were in a rush so even my voices didn't have much time to torture me.
I loved my bouquet though. When I saw it it made me cry.
It was so beautiful, everything that i wanted.

From feeling disgusted and feeling nothing I got super emotional, I cried because everything was just so beautiful.
I saw my dad coming closer to the bridge to wait for me and i cried.
I never loved my daddy more that at my wedding.
And my mommy, they were both great!!

Once i was given to my partner, I forgot about everything.
It was just him and me. and i felt GOOD.

I did not care how does my make up look like or how fat do i look  in the dress, i simply did not care.
it was a special feeling i havent felt before.
nothing mattered but him and myself.
I loved being there.
i was very emotional though and I LOVED my flower arrangement.
Silly, i know, but it was one thing i chose myself....flowers, and i was happy with myself.
it was magical!
absolutely magical!!!

People cried. everyone cried. it was very very very emotional wedding and very beautiful.
People working there came to me saying: Thank you for such special wedding, we haven't had such wedding before!
(We got married in one of the fanciest places in Slovenia, it is Titos residence Brdo Pri Kranju, don't ask but worth any money!)

Then, the NIGHTMARE happened.........
People admiring me, my wedding dress and the wedding.
Complimenting me on and on, until It woke up the voices again.
they told me: don't think they are honest, they are just saying this, because you are the bride and that is what people say to the bride, you can be sure they think you are ugly and fat!
I shut myself down. and I stayed shut for another 4 hours, until 11pm.
at that time i couldn't take it anymore.
I decided i will do something bad in order to bring myself back to life, so i had a cigarette , i don't smoke though.
It did not help of course. the only thing that helped was people gone.
when people were gone by 4am, i felt good again.
i set with my friends, 15 of us, and i was happy again.
the crowd was gone.

People loved our wedding though, everyone kept saying this is the new standard for the wedding and that it was like in a fairy tale.

Next day all the people waited for us at my parents place and we had picnic, it was fun. it was relaxing and fun.
I loved being me.
I loved my life and i loved my mom and dad for doing it all for us!!!
I loved my brother and his girlfriend for trying so so so hard to keep all the people who visited from all around the world happy. They were fantastic.

In the evening we opened the gifts and just like it wasn't already enough we got another shock.
People gave us almost 6000 euros!
It was overwhelming, i kept crying, i couldn't stop.
I was so alive.
I was in a state I haven't been for such long time, ages ago i felt this connected with life, with mother Earth, with the beauty.
Not because of the number of the euros, but because people showed so much love and so much support in this currency.
in that moment Life was magical and i felt LOVED!
I don't feel loved often, but i did then.
Just writing this opens up the emotion I experienced on that day.
Love and nothing but LOVE.
Healing LOVE!
Love from people to people, from brother to sister, from mother to father, from friend to a friend, from Universe to me. to us all.

Life really made sure to show me one more time why is worth living and recovering.
Life is trying very hard to convince me it is worth trying.
It is almost impossible against my voices, you would know so, the voices destroy Lifes work in less than 5 minutes.

I just don't let go. I hold on that HATE.
I make my self be bitter and all the beauty disappears in no time.
I see nothing it is just me and the darkness.

On Monday i had a break down.
I had the biggest fight with myself .... i have those twice a year and this was last Monday.
I even bit my partner and i kicked him because i was so beyond myself and angry and i wanted to rip my skirt but i couldn't so i attacked him.
So many things lead to that point but his mother was breaking point.
His parents left the day after the wedding, not wanting to spend any time with us.
Maybe she was mad because my partner agreed with his friend from NZ to go surfing for a week and she got upset because of that and just stabbed us in the back, just like that, in your face, so childish, or, she actually thinks she is too good for us. even more lame.
i don't know. but it frustrated me to the point that i lost all my love and respect for them.
they did not give even one bit of theirselves into our wedding,into our celebration. they spent 6 weeks wondering around and out of those 6 weeks they spent 4 days with us.
so disappointing and so sad.

Normal family story if one doesn't have bulimia.
but like this, my voices got new shit to torture me with.
telling me if only i was a better person they would stay and be nicer to us.

his mom has always appear so thoughtful, would write notes and postcards, gave my mom some blessed stones and send gifts to my dad.... etc.... i mean i never trusted her, since very first day i struggle with her because i don't trust her, but on our wedding day they brought nothing. no thoughtfulness.
they gave us a book as present.
i am not saying it isn't good but i am saying i would appreciate more to get hand made bracelet given to me as from my mother in low to me, as welcome to the family......

I cant stay here for much longer because this odd feeling fills my body, doesn't let go.
its screaming; IT is because you are not good enough!!!!!!!

because you are not good enough!!!!

because you are not good enough!!!!

because you are not good enough!!!!

because you are not good enough!!!!

because you are not good enough!!!!

because you are not good enough!!!!


But does it really matter??
A woman clearly have some issues screw that. even if she has issues with me, that is her problem.

We are fine. we are family.
That is all that matters.

will i ever let go of selfhate?

it seems like all i have to do is let go.
i am strong enough now and i have toughen up pretty well, so all i have to do is let go and have faith i am good enough too.

sounds so easy but i just don't know how to do it.
i let go for a minute, next minute i hate myself again.
feeling fat and ugly and lame and worthless.

will it ever stop?
does it ever stop?

it is clear to me now that if i wont accept myself for who i am and make peace with myself, my body and my mind i will always look for confirmation with someone else and this shit is exhausting.