Surprisingly a lot of people asked how come am fine with this?
Newly married and he just takes off like this.
Yah, we just got married but he hates me, he hates spending time with me, so he took of.
really people?
Don't you think if we did it this way its probably working for us.
now zip it!
I "let" him go because it is rare occasion when I can proof to him how much I really love him.
Bulimia is super selfish illness.
It is all about me me me!
Me struggling. Me suffering. Me breaking down. Me progressing. Me yelling. Me crying. Me feeling insecure. Me not making love. Me therapy. Stay here for me.
As long as I have bulimia, I cant love him selflessly and give him unconditional love.
This is how I know he is the one, because he has so much knowledge about mental health and he is so down to earth he knows how to protect himself.
WHen I lose it, he hugs me and tells me: Babe it is time for you to go into your body. I will go out for a walk and will meet you at home in 30 minutes time. I love you!
He goes.
I deal with my emotions.
Not to mention I lose if for couple of more times, not wanting to be controlled, not wanting to be told what to do. Not wanting to be left alone.
But it is the only way.
Him being removed from the situation gives him a chance to keep calm and like he says, be a good partner. otherwise it gets overwhelming and no matter how patient he is, he could lose it too and start yelling back at me.
According to him and my therapist, this is not the way relationship should work.
Arguments are good and healthy, dealing with the differences, but yelling at eachother and fighting big time it No NO!
I never understood it and I know majority of people don't understand it, but now I know this is true and this is the only way to keep love and respect going.
Otherwise it is just too easy to hate your partner, and many people don't even realize it is not the partner that they hate often is the situation they hate but they are dealing with it in a form of fighting with the partner.
Fighting with partner (By fighting I mean yelling at each other) one takes a right to own the person.
You are my possession and I can do with you whatever I want and I don't care if I hurt you as long as I feel better. This is abuse!
And no-one owns anyone!
NO matter how married you are or how many children you have together, the person does not belong to you!
The other day I spoke to my friend about it and she said: oH ,how don't you lose your mind not fighting with him. that must be boring!
I explained myself (why, I don't know. some people just don't get it) telling her we do have different ideas on daily bases and we discuss about it. SOmetimes calmer sometimes with more passion, I call it arguing (For me arguing and fighting isn't the same. Fighting is the crossed line when you get driven by emotions and you lose respect for another person).
ANd it works with us because we keep ourselves as individuals and we keep respect at all times.
I have no right to use him for his emotional frustration and he has no right to use me for his emotional frustrations.
She said.. Oh that works for you guys, for us that wouldn't work. we just aren't those kind of people. we prefer yelling at eachother and then make up!
Ha! WHat do you mean we are just not this kind of people. Yes you are, we all are, it is the matter of choice!!
Yes, I would prefer yelling at him too, it is much easier than going throught he process like this:
Recognize the situation (I still fail sometimes and don't stop myself)
Step back and leave (The hardest one)
Sit in a quiet place and get back into your body.
Get your attention to your body.
Recognize the emotion that drives you.
Figure out whether the emotion is from your far past or "present".
Feel it.
Be with it.
Let it go.
Yah, hard as shit, yelling is easier.
but yelling is like puking, or taking drugs, or drinking.
It makes you feel better in that moment, but it kills you slowly, and this is how it kills your relationship.
Then people cheat each other. Divorce. cause more problems. ruin more lives.
People don't use their brain.
I am no relationship expert, but I do agree now with my partner and my therapist yelling/fighting shouldn't be an option.
and NO, relationship isn't boring this way, it is deeper and more real!
Selflessly love someone is hard.
But it is the only real love.
And me letting him go was rare opportunity when I could be selfless and do it from Love and Love only!
He hasn't been surfing for two years. He is in SLovenia for me so I finish my therapy or at least get more stable. He does shitty job for me so we can stay here. He is selflessly taking all the shit he gets from me/my bulimia.
So I am grateful I got a chance where I could show him I really love him.
It aint easy for me.
After a month of hardcore life where I didn't deal much with bulimia but mostly just put her on hold there is a lot of work to do now.
Alone, so much more harder.
The first day I was very dopy.
I was so shut down I almost killed myself out in a car.
I did not exist. But I slept a lot.
The second day was actually the same, but I felt a bit more and when I felt I was so happy to be married. Then I'd shut down again and not feel anything.
The third day it started.
It was a big battle. I COMPLETELY lost the grip with reality!
I did not know whether I am married or not.
My mind was telling me I am not married and he will never come back.
it is his chance to realize how horrible I am and he will never come back.
I really, really struggled yesterday.
I was so empty I thought I will just die.
I could just die yesterday.
It felt like I could just close my eyes forever.
that is what it tells me..... just close your eyes and sleep. never wake up.
it never tells me to end mylife violently, it puts a soft music on and it just takes me away. so far I believe I will never come back.
No love, anything could happen to my partner, I wouldn't feel it.
no jealousy, no fear, no joy, no tiredness, no hunger, no nothing!
Nothing is there.
I am dead.
Actually GONE!
My therapist tells me this is a dangerous state.
This is the state where I could drift back to binge/purge level from, or do things I would regret.
It scares me too, but it feels good.
It just feels like I could be like this forever.
I would lose my mind and end up in mental hospital, yes, but it is just so relaxing. feeling nothing.
There was a tiny voice telling me: You have to stoop this, Natasa!
But I didn't care. I dint wanna stop it.
Then my friend called and she came visit, and slowly I came back to my body and back to reality.
By the time I went to bed I was feeling better.
I was married again. I was blessed again.
I was strong again.
I had my purpose and I knew my reason.
I even showered. I don't shower when in this state. I hate showers because it made me feel.
but I showered, I washed myself, my face. I was clean. Inside out.
I felt the way I don't feel often.
I felt like everything will be ok....I felt hopeful and faithful!
it is a special feeling.
I felt like humans we are all so beautiful but so many of people toxicated, but even that's ok because people could heal. I felt so hopeful. so strong.
I felt like there will be day when I will feel beautiful and worthy.
I just felt it so deeply!!!
It made me happy!!
I told myself: look, you got stronger. you are recovering well!
just few months ago couldn't take if he would go away for a weekend, it would mess up with me,...I still "let"him go but I experienced huge breakdowns and I lost all the control, where now, I told myself, look at me, I am dealing with it.
It isn't easy. It hurts. it burns. It chokes me. but look, I observe myself. I recognize when I am completely lost and when I am just about to get numb. I recognize it. I can be with it.
Then look at me, I had shower, holy crap I had shower when I hated myself the most. When there was nothing but disgust. I see tomorrow. I feel love. I feel wholeness. I feel the purpose and I have faith everything will be ok. I have faith I will survive.
I am bloated waiting for my period.
The biggest and the fastest trigger of all the triggers......YOUR FAT!!!!!
but not yesterday. when the voice yelled YOUR FAT!! at me, I calmly told him...... I am bloated. and I am too tired to deal with you now so let me go to bed!
I will look better tomorrow after some rest, you will see!
then I told my body: I am sorry for him being so mean. here, have some water. You will look better tomorrow. now lets go to bed!
Somewhere on the way I got stronger.
I still struggle bug time and suffer a lot, but look, I got stronger.
It just feels different.
It still feels like everything is falling apart and nothing makes sense, but there is just that little difference in my body.....I don't know, just a little bit of faith.
its like new life.
I woke up in a good shape in the morning.
I felt strong and I felt my body!
I felt like today I will do yoga after a month and I will meditate.
I felt like this will be such nice treat for myself.
Of course voices are wild, telling me I haven't been doing yoga for a month now and I suck at yoga now and I have no muscles. and I tell the voices, thats maybe correct but Iw as busy with wedding and end of school, I took month off of yoga. now I am back again.
it kept pulling me away and it succeeded, I lost myself for a while, but in about 30 minutes I came back.
I am now on the edge, could drift into nothing or chose to live.
I am hoping on living and feeling.
Maybe I am worth living.
Maybe all I have to do is to show my own self my attributes.
So I will put some make up on and express myself.
Yah, maybe I am worth living.
So yah, my name is Natasa.
I am 28. I live in Ljubljana, capital of Slovenia.
I am married.
And this is my face.
NO filters. No make up (mascara) . Just my face now, this moment when I am writing this.
(Do excuse my expression, but I don't do selfies)
Peace.
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