Food

Bulimia. Food.
You think of bulimia you think of food. Food in or food out. Food is what you think of.
Food is a drug in bulimia. It is the addiction part.

There is statistic that says that average bulimic in 45 minutes eats as much food as a healthy grown up in 3 days!
That was always such scary information for me, but looking back, yes. In one binge I could eat all the food my brother and his partner set up for their weekend away!

I never ate normally. Food woke up all the emotions since I remember. Since I was lets say seven or eight. I remember comparing myself to my size small friend when I was seven(ish). And back then it was different than today, at least for where I grew up, in the village, where diets were never trendy. The village I grew up in is the village you wold imagine when you think of a place in the mountains, 20 minutes drive to some of the civilization, 30 minutes to town. 600 people living in the village, living a village life. Fashion did not make even close to us. Latest died trends never came a bit close to us either. Beauty? Whats that?  Put on your yesterdays hoodie and sweat pants, forget about make up and manicure. The only beauty deed we did were long walks.
I see today 4, 5, 6 year old girls talking about diets, talking about healthy food, worrying about their dessert, bulling their friends who happen to be bigger size than them (not unhealthy big, just bigger comparing to the bully) ... And I know it is all coming from their mothers who worry nothing but about beauty, cellulite, make up, healthy food, diets ..... that is their mothers main topic. It hurts me so much. it breaks my heart when I see how harsh they are on their children and how they are passing on bad habits and how in many cases they plant a seed of an eating disorders. It is sad.
But my life was not like this.
My troubled environment never reached over my family property. I grew up in healthy environment and I was never bullied by my friends or people living in the same village. Never. But what was happening behind my family's gates, that's another story.
My mom ran a hotel and so we always ate very, very good and rich food. My mom was obsessed with diets and so was my dad. They would tell me I am chubby and randomly suggested to go on a diet. My mom and dad have been dieting for the last 20 yeast. My dad is obese and my mom is ok, no need in losing any weight but she still does the crash diets once every two to three months.
My parents were never around. They both worked 12+ hour shifts but then they were around, we were fighting and dieting. That's what I remember from my childhood, not worth mentioning it is still the same way. Just that the fighting grew over the years and they got more and more sick, my dad developed serious mental condition, he suffers from depressesion and   he has huge anger management problems. Those are getting worst and he is getting physical too. He would always abuse us verbally. threatening always to kill us and harm us, but never did anything life threatening though. But he would tell my brother and my mother often that he will kill them. He always said that he will stab them with a knife. He told me quite often he will kill me too. but I was never afraid he will actually do such thing, but I was always afraid he will commit suicide. But now I am at the stage where I am afraid he will hurt my mom. He hurt my mom the other day. He snapped. In a minute time. With me in a house. He grabbed her by her neck. My mom screamed. Now I am afraid. But they are "fine" now. So scary!
but is it really my place to worry about them?
I am done with being abused. I gave a lot of myself to them, to that family to torture me and use me for their own mental problems. I should be done with that!!

However, the environment I grew up in, my family, was never healthy and never will be.
I can stay at my parents place for few hours only.

Here at home, here is a different story.
This is my home. Here I am safe.
Here I can work with myself. here I can let the emotions come out. it is safe enough and then I can deal with them.

Here, here I cook a lovely food and each and every single time I cook and then actually eat my meal enjoying it to bits I am AMAZEEEED!!
I enjoy food more than anything sometimes. I love food.

When I started with the rehab I was told I will soon start eating normally and I was told that there is quite common that recovered bulimics/anorectics become real gurmans. I was just like yah whatever, not me, that's for sure.
I could not picture myself being fine with one meal (out of five that the recovery team was aiming for for me, for us all in  the group) ..
but  soon after a beginning I got one normal meal, then two, then three, then four, then five.
Now, after 3 years of rehab I eat 5 times a day, every day!
When I am out of the balance, I carry my snacks in my purse. I never skip meal (when I skip meal I feel unwell and it wakes up voices still) and now for the last 6 months I started blooming in kitchen. You would not believe but I love cooking, I love smells, I love flavours, I love colors, I love experimenting. I cook everyday!! Every single day! I cook good too!
Cooking turned out to be my passion. My great passion. My brother often invites himself for a dinner just to eat my food. My friends got used to it. They actually ask me to cook for them just because they like it so much. I like what I cook. I like the way it tastes. It is like dancing for me. It is like art. I out so much of myself in cooking and the best bit of it is that this is also how I have a control over the food I eat. I am not obsessed with heathy food and bio and eco food but truth to be told I like to know what I in my meal and with me cooking myself I can control the ingredients and adjust them to my daily mental condition.  
It works for me.
Since therapy I lost about 15 kg with the way I eat, no diets!! Just getting well! and My liver and kidney and blood are saved. I saved them with food. with good regular eating. (and therapies and meds).
I am just trying to encourage you, I guess.
I inspire my own self when I cook well and eat well and enjoy it and when I see how much I benefit.
And I would have never thought I will ever, ever, ever in a history of ever feel that way about food.
When I eat poorly I start feeling fat and disgusting (I feel fat and disgusting anyway, but then way more and way stronger) . The voices are awake, telling me if only I could keep skipping meals I would lose weight. telling me I will get super fat if I finish that meal/.
The worst ones are when I am not hungry at all but it is still my eating time.
Oh boy those are loud. Telling me I am a fat bitch, and now I will be fat because I ate when I didn't need to. I eat one yogurt or a glass of milk. just something. Or one cookie. Something super small but I enver skip meals. It is sooooooooooooooooooooooo hard to do so sometimes but I manage it because now I am well enough to know that no matter how much it hurts now, I will feel better later.
This thinking has happened recently. Few months ago.
This strength came few months ago. Sometimes my husband and I have a date and then we eat junk. we open bag of crisps and eat chicken noughts and drink bear. I hope I don't sound like this is very easy for me....oh boy it isn't. I would still have proper break downs almost every time I try to be so spontaneous and "just live" (I call it "just living") .... it doesn't work easily for me.
But then lately I would have a break down and date with my husband afterwards. And I drink beer with the voices in my head and they threaten me I will get fat with every bite I take and if the voices are very loud then I just have a glass of beer and add some veges or manipulate for a bit, but I don't just quit and stop eating and drinking.
It is a constant fight but somewhere on the way it got manageable. Its inspiring.
It has been happening lately that I would really not want to work with my emotions because the rehab got so difficult but somehow I do it. I make myself do it. I don't know how. I guess after three years of trying somewhere it has to be seen. So I do it. I go into my body. I feel. I make myself feel. I make myself suffer and be with the pain my body is letting out. I observe it. I observe some more. I am with it. Then after the 30 to 45 minutes of my "body pain meditation" (this is how I call it, my therapist tells me just to go into my body) and I am in HUGE, sometimes unbearable pain. I learned to be gentle with myself in those moments. I give myself a break. it takes about 15-30 minutes to get myself together. Sometimes I take shower and that helps. Once I am steady and feeling better, I feel strong and present and guess what: I get HUNGRY!!!
My appetite is beautiful. My cravings are absolutely liberating!!
I am sooooo free!! So free from "You are getting fat! You are fat! Oh my god you will be fat! You are the fattest you have every been! jeezs, look at your thighs, Look at your fat belly. Oh fuck, you so fat! "

I am free from those!
I am free from: "If you eat now you will be worth less. Oh wait, you are worth nothing anyway. She would for sure not eat that, she is strong and you are weak. Oh you stinky piece of shit you are so worth nothing and you are the worst. Comparing to her you are so fat and useless.. She would never do this. Your choices are so lame because you are nobody. She is so much better. You stink...."
I am free from those too!

I let mu husband hold me and touch me.
Kiss me.

My life is hopeful and so, so, so promising!

Everything makes sense in those moments.
Even my suffering.....
My bulimia....oh yah, that one makes the most beautiful sense!

Everything is ok.
Life is ok!
I will be ok!
We will all be ok ...


For about a few months now I have been feeling FAITHFUL!
And this is so liberating.
To have some safe place to go when everthing falls apart because of my bulimia condition. When My head gets the most mental of all times.
It is liberation to have something to go to.....It is my body. It is my "body pain meditation" that brings hope!
Brings appetite too!

It brings one of the most tasteful recipes.

Today for example I made "Natasa curry" for lunch.
This is how I call it.
I take some chicken, 4 pieces lol (three for my husband and one for me)
I used coco oil today.
I grill it quickly for about 8 minutes both sides, then I take it out and use the same oil to  fry some onions and carrots. Then I add some potatoes and cauliflower and fresh tomatoes. add curry and some white wine and let it cook for about 15 minutes for alcohol to evaporate. then I added tomato sauce and let it all boil together and then I add the chicken and let it cook for about 30 to 45 minutes so it gets all very soft.
I made some kus kus with and it was delicious.
Kind of simple but it is a real food and we both loved it.

Leftovers will be my second lunch not at 4 and for dinner I will grab some fresh veges and tuna perhaps. For breakfast I still eat piece of bread with butter and jam/honey and coffee with milk.

yesterday our lunch was home made pizza. also eaten in two pieces. I eat everything. Pizza was made with white flour, tuna, cheese, salami etc.
Now I have a good feeling most of the time for how big my portions are. Some days I just feel like eating more......it takes ages and many many breakdowns to let myself have an extra, but sometimes I win. Some times I have enough of a faith that I have an extra and trust I am not a bad person because it. but this voice is still very present! Oh well.

I never thought I will say so  but Food is so healing.