No spark

I have been married for a month and I have been depressed for two months now.
I just don't feel well.
Most of the time i am not present, I live outside my mind and my body or I spend lots of time in my head only, listening to the voices.
I have gotten some rhythm and so I am good with going into my body, but I sstruggle regardless.
Its hard.
I wake up empty. Its summer and I have been setting up the alarm so i wake up early because i have realized that if i sleep for too long then i have zero chance to have a present day. I wake up so worn out and I don't know who I am and I hate myself and the voices are so loud and i am super hard core bulimic and I am unbearable to be around with.
So I started getting up early and so I can handle my voices and I am sort of more present, probably because the world is not so chaotic until nine o'clock, and my husband is asleep still so I have some privacy and I can do things slow.  This way I get at least one hour of a present condition in a day even if I lose myself soon after the mid morning, around 10am.
We are broke at the moment, keeping our money for our Africa trip, so we don't do wild things, we mostly just hang around , walk a lot, cook a lot, watch TV a lot and this week, we don't hang out with people because I don't want to see anyone.
It might be that the depression is dictating the social life but it just feels soooooo good not to be with people.
People make me sick because either they make me sick with how closed minded they are or they make me sick because I compare myself to them and they wake up darkness inside me.
I feel uncomfortable around people lately,I feel fat and unattractive and I feel worthless and useless. So this is a week without people and its so restful.
The down side is that I get bored sometimes and then that is what wakes up the voices anyway, so I must deal with it anyway, but still....
I am also PMSing at the moment which is never fun and this is why I think I am enjoying having people free week. I am bloated and I have pimples and my skin is oily and I don't like. mmy face and my body is just so heavy and my head is wild.
I feel sick a lot and I don't like wearing anything that is tight on me yet at the same time I don't like wearing shorts and I don't like anything that shows my skin.
I am disgusted by my appearance.
I worry I will gain weight because I an not so active, and my mind has a capability of ignoring the fact that we have been walking three times for two hours this week (just because we are bored ) and I have done some yoga. That doesn't matter, the jury in my head said I am lazy and I do nothing.
Then I worry I eat too much because I don't know how much I eat. In conditions like this I don't know how much I eat.
But yet at the same time I have been good and I went into my body three times this week. In a perfect world I would need to go into my body like three times a day, it works but my mind is still just too strong.
But I can tell how much it helps me to be good with going into my body, it really does make a difference and now after more than three years of the therapy my body kind of asks for it so I end up going into the body every Thursday no matter how I feel because it is body that got used to it....Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday and Sunday.
But it is very difficult for me to accept that I am trying soooooooo soooo soooooo hard and I get so little out.
This is the difficult side of the rehab. You squeeze a very juicy orange and you just get a drop out.
But if you keep on working on yourself you get rewarded , you do. I got rewarded just now........ Have been depressed but it is just easier for me to recognize it, accept it and deal with it. And that is a nice reward.
The worst are the voices! Jeezs lord, I could calmly lie and watch TV , seem to be present and OK, when the voices attack me from almost nowhere, they call me names, they bulky me, tell me I am worthless, make me guilty because I don't give myself to my husband , tell me stuff like......every couple has absolutely wild sex once a day, going on for about 15to 30 minutes. . . . . such and such never ever lies down during the day, she/he (in my case is actually always she. And usually a particular firend)...she is ALWAYS active and she swims for about 3 hours a day, does Pilate's for an hour and horse rides for 3 hours then she reads books, cleans etc. Every day.
Then it tells me that such and such is more interesting and her/his IQ is 140 plus, and I am the dumb one. It tells me that everyone, absolutely everyone with no exceptions like her style and the way she talk,walk and live life. It tels me that she has no cellulite and her stomach is flat and she is the cleanest person and funny and never ever, I mean it,never ever boring nor bored.
It tells me that I live a pathetic life and that I have no sense for whatever style.
And I believe each and every word my voices tell me.
And that is why I suffer because I believe in perfection that the voices create in my head. I believe it.

Who I am doesn't matter, it is worth nothing comparing to others. My leggings loom old, my shirt doesn't fit, my hair looks lame, my nails are gross, my feet are outrageously ugly, the choice of jewlary is lame, the set up of my living room is  without the spark, my entire life is without the spark. And everyone but me has a spark.
 Everyone lives their life like on a red carpet and I live mine under the bridge. This is the comparison.
And I am known as an artist, living full and creative life, but now.....I fail when my mind judges me.

It isolates me and makes sure I feel lonely.
Unwanted.

If I can understand that everyone decorates his life his own way then I can one understand one thing for sure ..... That I have something to offer.

But this time there is one thing that is different.....this time I am trying, and I am trying from the inside, I am trying for my own self.
I wanna live. I wanna feel. Me! Natasa. Not for the sake of my marriage, or my friends, or my job, but me. I want to be better. I want to live life to the fullest and do extraordinary things. . .
I wanna be well.
I like when I am happy and lately I can tell I am feeling better than ever, because when there is a thunderstorm I get happy like a child who sees the sea for the first time, I cry when I see how our herbs are sprouding and growing in front of my eyes, it is something so amazingly beautiful and hopeful. I go wooooooooow !!!!! Look at that!!!!!!!!! With an endless amazement when I see how juicy peaches grown in the public garden. And I feel like dancing when I go to the supermarket and I see how much cool stuff they are selling. It is amazing. You can be whoever you want, so many cool stuff.

Yet I believe there is no life in me.