Discovering 'Mind'

I have been very restless.
I am like bipolar of a bipolar.
Its insanely tiring.
I am empty, then I am angry, then I am fat, then I get it, then I lose it, then I feel it, then I cry, then I laugh, then I sleep, then I am nervous, then I am blessed, then I am worried, then I am brave, then I am ugly, then I am worthless, then I am afraid, then I am faithful, then I am happy, then I am loved, then I am not present, then I am frustrated, then I am restless, then I am tired, then I am lazy, then I am hungry, then I am thirsty, then I have cravings, then I am compared, then I am sad, then the voices are just too much, then I am empty again.

For fuck's sake I cant do it right.
I   was walking a lot, but in no time the voices used it against me. Walking became losing weight. I needed to stop it. Immediately. I stopped it. I didn't walk that much. Not walking became a torture because the voices are screaming I am so lazy and I will end up being a giant piece of poo!
Then I cry because it is so hard to take such torture.
It is the worst form of a torture I know.
It hurts my entire body. It causes a sever pain all over my body. I get cramps all over my body. My kidney starts hurting. I get a sever headache, my mussels shrink and the pain in my entire body is like someone was kicking me for half an hour. It is like I might not be able to take it.
Then I remember to pay attention to this pain and my body speaks.
After I get myself together it all makes sense. I understand my condition and I understand life. I understand I should wait with my activities because I do them from a wrong reason. When I find this peace, bulimia freaks out again and its yelling at me telling me I am the only one who does not exercise and the rest of the entire world exercise each and every day. I believe it. it tells me I will never be beautiful if I don't exercise.
I just cant win the battle in my head.

Then for few next minutes I live normal life. I suggest we go to town. I dress up. I even keep the vices quite while dressing up. I mean not really quite, they speak "Fat! Fat! Fat! Ugly!" but I somehow ignore them. I put make up on (I even went to town with no make up, that is odd and new) and off we go. In town we sit down and the sun shines.
Ta-daaa!!! Freak out!
" Your so white. She is so brown. Now from now on you better bring your ass here very day and ten yourself. You are ugly."
Where the fuck does that come from I have no idea, but it controls my mood.
I try to go to my body, I try to feel it and I try to be present, just like my therapist told me to do. It actually works when I can make it, but most of the time I still drown in overthinking.
When I spend so much time in my head living my second life I don't have a feeling when and what to eat. So I find it hard to be hungry. "You shouldn't eat. You should skip your meal. Cmon, lose 5 kg, so you will be as beatuful as she is." I don't lose this fight because if not myself then my husband makes me have my meal.
When I am compulsively thinking, I am not myself. My tights are like double size and my but too. I don't really know how do I look like. I feel like a woman size 46/48, on good days 44.
I am 36, jeans 38. 

The worst are the moments when I don't feel anything.
Those are not really promising. I have nothing to lean on. It can go on and on for days. I look around and see nothing, feel nothing, smell nothing. I don't even think about anything. My head is empty, and so is my heart.
And those empty moments always bring a tornado.
It got very, very tiring.
There is tiny part of me that cant wait for the school to start so I get busy with other crap not my own one for all the time.

Sometimes I live a nice and good life.
we hang out with our friends. some Italian people. We are very, very blessed to have them in our lives. they know how to live. They are there for us, with us.
They celebrate life. They live. And so we celebrate life with them and we live life with them.
When we meet I always dress a  bit nicer. When we hang out with them we usually end up having a dinner with some general directors or with former Slovene president. Its kind of an experience. ANd I like that about our lives. We live small, hippie life, but we have whole spectrum of friends. And I enjoy it. My point is, I go out.
But when we meet those people there is always lots of food involved.
And I struggle when we have to eat because I still find it difficult to eat outside my schedule.
 But it is also very difficult to sit at the same table with people whose socializing goes through food and just drink tap water. I get punished everytime for eating outside.

But however, when I am with them, I am present.
I like life. I like myself. I like my husband. I like our friends. The time with them is always so cheerful and exciting. We share stories and we learn a lot from eachoter. In the beginning I believed we cannot have deeper friendship because we are not same kind of people and we have nothing to talk about......I mean seriously I am a teacher with bulimia who loves yoga and art and they are people whose business language I cant even understand.
But now that we actually befriended I think differently. I think we need eachother. They need people like we are to see life from a small person's perspective and we need them to see how life is from their perspective. And I always believed we cant share much with them but now when we meet there is soooo many stories we can share and we make all the friends happy and they forget about their boring financial world. It is a nice group of friends and I am happy. I opened myself completely to them and I don't avoid them. But this is easier because they are like a new, fresh start.
Like I can present them the new Natasa. Which is so refreshing. There is no luggage I carry when I am with them.  So I guess it is healing. I welcomed few new friends this year.

And some of them I admired before we befriended, and now I call them friends.

You lose one you gain two.

On the other hand I am hooked with people who turned out not to be my friends.
And I just cannot let got of them.
There is a friend of mine who I thought she is my friend.
ok, not that naively I did see how her passion for our friendship was cooling down.
we met through our partners. she is my husbands friend's wife and in the beginning we were hanging out even without our partners. She would drive 60 km to see me and I would do the same.
Then next thing I remember they were both visiting quite often and we visited them on regular bases. then next next thing I remember she started leaving after 45 minutes but she would let him stay over the night so him and my husband would hang out. but us, all four of us, was over.
I remember asking her once what is going on, if she has a problem with me and she assured she doesn't. Then she would never join us, like she was always busy with something, like her aunite was visiting, or her brother, or she was busy with her own activities. It was quite sad to realize that our friendship is changing but I did not want to believe it.
it was obvious but I didn't want to believe it.

Then they got pregnant and it got worst. She did not even stay at our wedding. I wanted to believe it is because their baby was 2 weeks old, but they knew all the way they will come with a new born child so they booked a room in a hotel next the venue and they even brought her auntie to help them our with the baby. She left after the ceremony and she did not tell us before. Which I found very nasty since she got married herself and she was broke her self so she new herself how annoying it is if you have to pay fr someone that is not there. She did not care.
But I gave her some credits. We visited them after and the visit was ok. She was nice. she was never not nice. I invited them for a visit and for a weeked away, still waiting for an answer, have been three weeks now. I see her online so I know she does have time to message us back letting us know it will not work out. She ignores us. And it hurts. I am hooked. Now because of her attitude--- I am obsessed with her. The mind is comparing me to her.  The mind made her perfect. Literally perfect!
And it tortures me with her. Because of her "I don't really care about you" attitude she seems strong and independent. Strong and confident is what I want so I hate her for that.
In fact she simply doesn't care is she is not a good friend, simple as that, but her attitude is a good food for my bulimia.
I cant let go. It seems like all I have to is I have to forget about her but I don't know why I cannot do that. Ever day, day after day I torture myself with her. She is so much better than me. Because she is confident.
I cried to my husband and he said he has noticed the change in the friendship also, and he says he is sad too, but it is their loss if they don't wanna hang out with us. He told me that she obviously stopped putting an effort into our friendship when she decided they are not moving to new Zealand them selves. So she does not need to work on our friendship because she doesn't need me.
It makes sense. She simply does not need me. It does not even mean she does not like me, it just means she does not need me and she is not willing to invest anything into our friendship if she doesn't get any benefits out of it. Why would she?

I seem to be a very easy prey for people this kind.
My mind is so sick that I get hooked. I let their attitude be my torture.
Its kind of painful. And it seems so hard to let go....
I glorify them.  I glorify them.  I glorify them big time.
Just because they are kind of close and I kind of care, and because they have an attitude like they are looking at me from above.
I look up and I glorify them.  And I don't know how to stop!

I have people  that love me, sincere people, investing in the friendship. But they come second. First there come those two people who don't even care about me if it is not for their own benefits.

I pray to the Universe to give me the strength to accept the fact that we are not real friends and let go of it.

I will be ok.

I am just not Ok at the moment.
It is hard.

I have to live minute by minute otherwise it is too crowded.

So much pain coming out. So much pain to deal with.
Sometimes I find myself feeling grateful for my bulimia because because of bulimia I am going through hard core rehab which is making me a better person. A deeper person. A calmer person. More awake and more real. It brings hope.
Then I find myself feeling like a crap because of bulimia. I feel like I am a weirdo. I feel like I should be punished. I am not patient and I wanna change everything I am.
I am not patient with my body, with my rehab, with my behaving.....I hate everything about myself and I hate everyone who has anything I want for myself.


In situations like this I am suppose to go into my body and see what is going on. Deal with it. Let it speak and more on.
Some things take ages to come out in a form that could be dealt with. It takes months and months, some months turn into a year. But it still happens. Everything happens. Everything comes out when it is ready to be healed. But to be patient with that's whole another story.
last week I didn't feel like going into my body at all. Like It was such relief when I passed it. Like "Uf, so cool. rest!!!No drama, no emotions, no feeling, no crying, no body pain....emptiness only!" Not good for my progress but it really felt good. It is like I am super tired from working so much with myself.
Then yesterday I had my therapy and I worked hard again. I met new places. New darkness. New emotions. New tricks my mind plays. I was with it. I observed. I dealt with.
I left the therapy tired but strong. At peace. Present. Better. Bigger. Stronger. It was almost like I could not wait for the next time I will go into those dark places and explore what's up in there. Because every time I go there I feel stronger afterwards.
it feels Like I can do it. I can recover. I can live my life my way. I am fearless.

Until my mind kicks in again.


I progressed enough to distinguish between self and mind.
That is very helpful and promising.

I could never distinguish between the voices and mind. Mind and self. Self and voices. It was always one thing. I called it me. That was me. I was my voices. I was my crazy mind. I was my father talking from a back of my mind. I was my pain from my childhood. I was my fears. I was my anger. I was my hate.
But now I can see there is me, and then beside that, there is my voices, my mind.
I now can experience a bit of a healthy self. When I experience it Life is just different.
I feel alright. I don't mind my legs. I don't feel gorgeous but I don't feel bad either. I don't mind my belly nor my face. I don't mind my size. I pay little attention to it. I shower daily. I take care of myself daily. When I go out I put some effort into make up and clothing. I feel good. Or more it is like I feel fine with myself. I control my voices when they arise. When they tell me I shouldn't drink wine and I should look more like that friend I met or more like a random lady on a street. I control it. I feel my body and I belong to the moment. I am more at peace. I think differently about myself. I am never full of my self and I don't feel particularly confident or great. It is not about that it is just about living that moment the way it is. When I go to the yoga mat I have noticed the change.....I am oddly calmer and more patient with myself  ... I have been kind of on and off with my practice this summer and the voices would eat me alive everytime I skipped the practice for a week if only they could, but when there is the healthy self present I step on my yoga mat and I am very slow. I don't push myself. I am very, very gentle with myself. I do my postures slow and do just the easy ones. I don't rush. which is very, very, very unusual for me. Sometimes it takes me to a full practice and I sweat and I challenge myself, but sometimes I finish after 10 minutes, feeling better than before. This is unusual.
I have noticed the change when I am PMSing. I bloat quite obviously and my mind gets mental when am PMSing. but lately I have noticed that I recognise my PMS and I am very gentle with myself, again. I don't skip meals like the mind orders me. I tell my mind "I am hormonally messed up now, it is normal that I feel that way, you back off. I am taking my body to bed now." I shower and I shave when I am PMSing to make myself feel at least a little bit better. Usually I make myself a hot bath and I cry. Because I am feeling fat and unattractive. But it is all controlled. I cry while I take care of my body. I light the candles and I listed to the music more during my PMS. Its so unusual. 
This my my healthy self.
I experience it more and more. It started appearing in around april, may. So this is a new thing. And it would appear for brief moments, then few minutes, now it can be present for up to 30 minutes. Sometimes a few times a day.

Then there is the mind. The ruler. The empire. My second life. 
My mild schizophrenia .
My mind is my very dark, cold, loud place.
In that world there is only one rule: You do what I say!!
And can only say one thing: You suck! There is no end to in how many ways it can show me I suck.
My mind is evil.
It is like living with a psychopath!
It is mean.
It wants me to suffer every single moment I spend on this planet.
It hates me. 

Back in worst times I did not recognize my mind. It was all me. It was all just one reality! 
They say that Mind Lies to you. I still cant get my head around that. I still believe he is telling the truth. But now I at least recognize it.

Together with the mind there are also voices from my father. From my mother. 
Those were also very difficult to spot. I learned I have those about year ago, I could tell "Oh there is bulimia talking and there is my parents talking" but I would never try and work with the "parents voices" .... until now.... getting rid of my parents voices is terrible. It is like taking all their power  and smashing it into nothing. My parents with no power are just people. And They are not my powerful parents anymore. And I cant live without my parents. I need my mommy, I need my daddy!
I still turn into a little girl not ready to let go of the "parents voices". It seems impossible. 
I am doing waaaaay better that I used to do, but there is still that emotion inside me, that sensation, feeling like everything will fall apart if I let go.
It is that image I hold in my head they are my creators, they are the source of power.  They are everything. Loosing that image would mean a disaster to me. Nothing else can be real. They are the only truth. And the same I am experiencing with the people I wrote before about. The friend who doesn't actually care but I am hooked, and another one like this and my boss.
I cant let go of them.
My mind does not let me go of them because it would lose its power. It needs those people to torture me with them. If I trust in a life beyond my parents and those other toxic people I am almost cured.

I hold of those images like they are my only meaning of survival.
If I let go I die.

Do I really die or does my sick mind die? My sick mind has a name. Bulimia.
Does I die or does mind die?

What will happen to me? To I?

I have my suspicions....I think I would be just fine.















MIND