Bulimia life vs. Real life

I have been trying hard to redirect my compoulsive thinking.
When I start overthinking I am suppose to go into my body!
Sometimes I do that and sometimes I don't.
My therapist says that just to aknowledge your overthinking and then ask yourself "where is my body?" and just feel your body. As soon as you are aware of your body, the heavines of your entire body, there is no room for thinking anymore.
Sometimes you get to feel your legs only, or arms, or just a face....but even if you feel just a part of your body, the thinking gets blurier. More of your body you are aware of the quetest your mind is.
It is amaying how beautifully this works and it sounds easy, but it isnt. At least to me, I find it difficult. Therefore there is so many moments when I just let my mind take control over and does its own shit. Compulsive thinking is going on. It sucks. It really sucks.
It seems so real. It even flicks some images into your head.
So, I either overthink or I am numb.
I prefer numbness though. But numbness is dangerous. Numbness leads to decisions such as vomiting, binging, starving, comiting suicide...

There is not one minute of my day (in hours that is about 4 hours or more a day) when I spend thinking about my two friends who disappointed me.
I can understand the fact that she doesn't like me that much and in real world I dont even have much of a problem with letting people go. I have always believed that if there is no good mutual energy---move on! One does not need anyone who makes you sad,worry, anxious etc. Friend, boyfriend, aunite, cousin... let go if the friendship doesn't serve you any longer.
But! ---- I live two lives. And one is run my my mind. And so, in the bulimia life it ain't easy to let go. In my bulimia world I don't understand the natural selection of friends----some come and some go. In my real life on the other heand I strongly believe that there is a reason for each person that comes into your life that came. Either they are there to teach you something/help you overcome certain difficuly or they are there to stay and be supportive with your happiness and sadness on daily bases.
I obviously hit the friendship where this person is not meant to be my true friend. Which is ok. I learned a lot from her and because of her I was brave enough to do some things, their relationship situation was all this time the same as ours just always a step ahead which was always very encouraging... Like, i can see clearly why we befriended. I can see it and I can understand it.
BUT!
In my bulimia life I different. I dont understand anything. I just cry. I ache. I suffer. I overthink.
The mind is yelling so loud: "You are worth nothing! If you were worth just anything this would not happen! If you were perfect this would not happen. She would hold to the friendship with you. She would go beyond herself because it would be worth putting effort into our friendship. BUt like this you are pathetic, boring, useless and worhtless piece of shit. Shame on you!" This makes me cry. Sometimes makes me numb. I escape. But Most of the time it makes me suffer.
I always thought I am too strict with my friends and my expectations are way too high. Now I think: Yes, my expectations are very high but to my defens...my time is precious and I aint waisting it for a bullshit! Ever! So if you are my friend be a good friend otherwise I dont need you! But it isn't about me wanting my friends to be perfect-----I let them breathe. And more I recover better friend I am. I can see the difference. I am more patiente and I am camer. I am better listener. I am more reliable and I am more flexible. I understand that they can't be all over me, in fact it does not even suit me it they are. I dont believe firends have to be together everyday. I believe we all have to have space and it is about the feeling, about the energy when we meet after two, three, four weeks of not being together-----how does the reunion feel? Are we close or time set us apart?With good friends I feel close. I am more real and I am honest friend.
So I am not unbearable.
BUt I have such high expectations for me! If they don't call it is because I stink. Because I suck and because I am pathetic. If they are a bit strange when we meet it is because I am boring and lame. If anything happenes to our friendship or time together it is because I am the strange one and not worth hanging out with. Friendship is nothing natural for me in my bulimia life. I believe everyone is against me and is trying to hurt me. People are not sencere with me in my world. No-one cares! Literally no-one cares! That is one of the most painful beliefs. I believe no-one loves me. Literally no-one. I believe it so strongly that this is my only truth!! There is no other options even. They just don't love me. They use me but they don't love me.
I remember my therapist telling me-----"If they give you a reason to feel that way then talk to them but if they don't give you any reasons to feel that way then it is your issue from the past, something else is waking up and coming out. Go to your body and deal with it."
That is what she told me to do but I don't do it everytime. Because I believe it so badly that I don't distinguish between ----them being the reason to feel that way------and them being the reason to wake up shit from my past. So I let it be and I live that way. It is my only truth. I see people doing nice things to me, calling me, messaging me, visiting me.....but I don't believe in that. That does not come through all the layers bulimia has set up for me to isolate me from the reality. From the real life. Nothing comes in. I don't even see that my husband love me deeply. In my mind even my husband is just afraid of leaving me. If he was sure I would not fall apart he would leave me. Even my parents don't love my. They just care because I am their daughter. Not more. Friends have no chance of getting any credits. Everyone is against me and I honestly believe I am the worst creature on the planet. not just saying it to sound dramatic, i really, trully believe that. That I am the ugliest, there is no uglier person. The most disgusting and the strangest person, the only human being who is not worth of any bit of love. It is just me and selfhate. Endless selfhate!
 In my bulimia life I am fat and unattractive and no-one loves me.
In my real life I don't care about my size as long as I take care of my self with the way I eat, think and move my body.
In my real life I feel love and I see how beautiful the Nature is. I see through the pain of people. I care about people and I don't envy and I don't hate people for having a good life and skinny legs.
I listen music more and music makes me happy. I do yoga with no intention of losing weight. I practice my recoverying well and work with my emotions. I appriciate beaty, art and tidy apartment. I appreciate flowers and plants (These are the second on my list of hate. The first are skinny people.)
I talk to the strangers, i wear nice make up and I dress up nice. I keep my window open and I appreciate rain and sun. I don't complain in my real life. I don't waste time on facebook and I don't compare myself to others. In my real life I am grateful. I am a very grateful person infact. I pray. Yes, in my real life I pray and I am very spiritual person. Cooking is an art for me and I believe in talking and comunicating. I believe that the world could only be healed if people started talking about their emotions to eachother honeslty! Even if that means they have to admit they were wrong. I believe in the power of now when I live in my real life. I believe thinknig is useless. I believe that we are all smart and all capable of succeeding. I believe we can all recover and we can all wake up. I also believe in expressing yourself is a good way. Expressing it through art and way of living. I believe tattoos are attractive and music should be played loud. I believe there is NOTHING wrong with dancing on a street and I believe that street art should be supported by everyone. I believe that homeless people are cool and that having a cup of tea with a stranger on a street is more spiritual and liberating than a lunch with a friend. I believe one day I will write a book and that one day my parents will fall inlove again and I believe that love can cure absolutely anything. In my real life I am calmer and dont judge. I don't hate and I deal with my grumpiness. I help those who need help and I talk openly about bulimia and my recovery. I don't hide who I am. On the other side in my bulimia life I deny myself and I dont take care of myself. I hate and I judge. I want all the people to be wrong and bad. I can't stand if someone is just fine and I can't see his mistakes that easily. I hate that. In my bulimia life I don't believe in love and I believe that skinny people are better people. i believe that active people are stronger peolpe. I believe that some people deserve to suffer and I live of people's miserableness. People's imperfection and struggles bring peace to me. i don't like when people get new things in my bulimia life. I don't like Nature. I don't cook and I don't hear music. Nothing smells nice in my bulimia life and I am restless all the time. I act strange. I compare myself to others non stop and I sleep poorly. I am afraid all the time and angry most of my time. I look down when I walk the streets and I don't meet my friends. Everything is pointless. I complain all the time. I am cranky all the time and I give my husband a lot of shit every day. I whine and I complain and I look for things that he does wrong so I can freak out and blame him for the way I feel. I live in consant fear of not being good enough and not being worth anything. I waste hours and hours refreshing facebook and looking other peolpes profiles and projecting the perfection on them and hate myself for not being the way they are. In my bulimia life i play a game where I take a face of one person, neck of another, arms of the third, and fingers of the fourth person. Boobs and shoulders of the sixth and seventh and the belly of the eigth one. Hips of the ninth person and tights of the tenth person then calfs and feet of the eleventh and twelfth person and the toes of the thirtheenth one. Style of another 6 people and the attitude of 4 extra people. then I belnd it all together and then that I wanna be me.
Because I can't reach that perfeciton, I suffer and hate myself and blame myself for it.

In real life I am nicer and better person.