It was an odd message because she is usually totally cheesy with messages.....everything is in signs like xxxx and **** and hearts and suns..... This one was different. It was empty.
My heart sank.
I lying in bed, with a phone in my hands while my husband was taking a shower. I yelled to him: She just sent me an odd msg.
When I said it out loud I knew something is wrong.
The unknown feeling fulfilled my entire body. It was a feeling, not a thought, a feeling that was saying.................Its her mom!
The feeing changed.
The fear came.
Fear of failing as a friend.
I just had one thought........"What if it is really her mom. What if I will not be capable of feeling anything? if she lost her mom she will be in a screaming pain for a while and what if I will not be able to take care of her as her best friend. What if I will be not capable of showing any empathy?"
It was her mom.
She committed suicide.
She got sick about two years ago. She suffered from manic depression so she was flipping from being euphoric to being depressed.
It did not seem like the worst case of the depression.
But it was big enough for her.
Bad day.
She hang herself.
Her husband and son found her.
As much as I understand depression and never judge suicides because I know the pain. I know how torturing it is when you have to live but you literally don't see why would you need to live. There is no reason. Not even your beloved ones are not a good reason to stay. I know how it is if you struggle with depression for years and years. But I don't get it. This time I am angry at her. Like NO! You should try more. You should try harder!! You caused so much pain to us all.
I don't know. it is still all new so I don't really know how I feel but at this moment this is what is going on in my head.
I was so afraid I will not be able to be there for my friend but now all I can think of is "OH no, she is in pain. She suffers. She is in pain. so not fair. I don't want her to be in pain. WHy does she need to go through this? "
I wanna be there with her. I wanna ease her pain.
I guess she is much better in that than me. She is one of the strongest, the most independent women I know. She is incredible. But this hurts. I know how much It hurts and how it hurts.
I lost two of my the dearest friends (one suicide and one cancer) in a matter of two years and there is not even one day I would now think of them. Sometimes it is easy and life just is there, but sometimes it is more difficult and I wonder how would life be if they were still alive?But love for mom is different love and it probably hurts different. and I don't wanna miss a moment when she needs me. And I don't know how to be a good friend.
I will pray for the strength.
again, on a personal, selfish note....I don't know why this seem to be the pattern.
It is scary how many people related to my life, committed suicide. It has been happening all the way since the primary school.
My, at that time, best friend's (the same friend who died last year herself) father hung himself. Then my classmate's father too. In the high school someone I hung out with committed suicide after my birthday party!At uni my friend's father threw himself under the train.
Then Marusa my dearest ended up her life. Now my bestfriends mom.
Counting those faces like this is so spooky I know it is not a game "Who knows more people that committed suicide..." but my point it.....I struggle with eating disorders big time and there is no reason for me to live also, still. most of the time. But people areound me are dying. Why? Whats the case? I am so freakign afraid tha my father is next.
My point is I guess: The world does not take depressions serious enough. It is a serious condition that kills so many people.
Yet no-one really talks about it!
Look around you!
People suffer!
People need help. But people don't talk about their emotions in an honest way. People are afraid because other people judge.
It is wrong to talk about real emotions in this society.
And so lives are slowly shutting off.
In front of our eyes.
Yet we care more about free wifi and Iphones and latest fashion and similar shit.
Can you grasp?
Can you understand?
Can you see through?
If I had a magic power I would give people a courage to be honest with their emotons and not afraid of sharing them with the world. I would make talking about emotions accepted by society and safe.
Now you have higher chance to get away with a murder than to get away with talking about how you feel.
Peace to all who left.
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