Week in august.

I went beyond myself this week.
I showed myself that I can be a good friend.
Struggling with my own depression and barely keeping the voices controlled I needed to be there for my best friend who lost her mom.
Her mom committing suicide is a very personal field to me. I am the depressed on. I can relate to the people who commit suicide. A very odd feeling fills up my body. It is like I get sad. Very sad for those people. Very sad. Yet at the same time it does not stay just with feeling something like sadness but it also recalls all the pain from the time when I experienced loss of my very close friends myself. Especially the pain when I lost Marusa exactly a year ago as she committed suicide herself.
Flipping between sadness because more and more people get depressed and choose to end their lives and sadness because I experienced that loss, there is also just a puzzled feeling of "What the fuck just happened?" Such moments stop us all and made us think of our own lives for a moment.
But experiencing this difficult time on my own skin  needed to be put aside this time because I needed to be there for my friend which is not something I am particularly good at.
 And I was so afraid I might fail. Going outside, meeting new people, be with the sadness , be supportive........was not on my list for this week. Especially "going out" and "meeting people" part.
I experienced big time anxiety everytime before we sat in the car to drive south to be with my friend. My palms were sweating, my heart was beating fast, my stomach was cramped, my legs were heavy and my mind was set off. Not pleasant and in any other circumstances I would not put myself through that. I did it, however, for my friend. It was my turn to be there for her. I barely held myself together. I did not say much. Most of the time I kept quiet. I felt like crying all the time. But my friend did not cry that much so I did not want to be the wwak one and the one who would end up needing support.
Every day there was part of me hoping she will text saying:"I wanna rest. you dont need to come." Because I needed to recover myself.
The day before funeral was just so strange. Of course I did not want to go to the funeral. I did not want to be surrounded with people. It felt like the time stopped and we are just waiting for something. I did the funeral. I was having a panic attack after panic attack. But I kept telling myself: "This time is not about you!" and so I held myself together but I felt like crying all the time.
My heart was going crazy. I was sweating and I was so so afraid. I dont really know what I was so afraid of, but the feeling was pretty much the same to the feeling when I jumped put of the airplane . Fear.
Fear of failing as friend.
Fear of loss.
Fear of not being capable of holding myself together.
Fear of being judged.
Fear of being useless.
AFter the funeral we went to My friend's home and it was kind of a very happy gathering. But Then over there it was all about me again......I wanted to disappear. I was so afraid of being judged. I was so so afraid. No-one judged. Everyone accepted me fully and they loved both me and my husband.
Everything was ok on the outside but a mess on the inside.
I was a rack.
The next day I tried to recover. I was still full of fear.
I even went into my body and anger came out. Such frustration.
Fear. Anger. Fear. Anger.
Fear I am worthless and ugly. Anger because I am worthless and ugly. Fear. Anger.
Voices telling me I am fat and not perfect. Not needed. Not appreciated.

Then today I couldn't hold anything together any more.
The voices won. They broke me down.
I am useless. I have no depth. People dont like me. People dont appreciate me. I am easily replaceable.. I Am  really not needed. Everyone is better than me. and on and on......
Then, it became more clear that I am feeling this way because of the two specific friends.
Those two that I have been torturing myself with for quite some time now.
Same shit.
They ignore me. They dont like me enough .
yah. what a big deal. There is a lot of people not liking me. Thtas ok. We are a chemistry and not everybody get good reaction when put together. It is all good.
But not for these two.
I guess it is because I thought for both of them that we are friends then to realize we are not friends is quite painful. But I still dont get it. there are other people who I think of as friends and they are not as deep friends as I thought and it hurts but I move on. I mean seriously....that's life.
so I dont really understand how did I get this hooked.
It is a pain in the ass.
Everything they do I glorify. The way they button their fucking jeans after taking a poo is perfect in my head. Not kidding. It is just shouting: You are not that good. She does that better.
And I dont fucking let go.
I mean I kind of am doing better lately. SO I would just have once a week such painful breakdown because of it, but on daily bases I can control my thoughts, because I am treating it as an addiction and I kind of know now how to cope with that.
When I see them online on fb or whatup I react instantly and wanna message. Then I stop myself.
And I grieve. I grieve a lot. But I hold it together.
I will let go completely one day I will one day feel confident enough to get new perspective. I will get better self esteem and I will not crave their attention any more. I will believe I am good without them. Where not, they define me. My failure. My imperfection.

And I dont know how to live with my imperfection.