Sunday, March 27, 2016

1 Year Fast Forward

  It has been 16 months since I wrote last. 16 months filled with craziness, growth, fighting, fears, hopes, dreams,insanity, heartbreaks and heartaches, letting go, changes, movements, breakdowns, successes, but here I am - 16 months later, feeling better than ever. For the first time in my entire life I stand my ground, I speak my mind, I am not terrified of who I am. For the first time I have control over my mental state, my bulimia, my voices.

It was November   2014 when I wrote last and I wasn't doing fine. Depression came back in September 2014 and it stayed with me until May 2015. When I put starting and ending date like this I am talking about the period of my life when I simply couldn't cope. The struggle was real all the time up to that point, but I coped. And after that, but I cope.

During this time I saw hell all over again. I hit the bottom again. I didn't go back bulimic behaviors in a sense of food and vomiting though, but it was a very dark period of my life and for  6 months I went straight through hell before taking a breath.

Maybe I was due to get depressed again but it all started in September when I went back to work after summer holidays and I absolutely couldn't stomach being there because of the way they treated me, yet was too weak at that point to stand my ground. It got even worst in October when our friend did a really nasty thing to us. she was very nasty before that every time we interacted, left the wedding after an hour, never replied my messages....long story short -  she was ready to get rid of us, so one day she heartlessly and successfully did get rid of us!
She invited us over for her birthday party then cancelled us one hour before we were suppose to come.
I messaged her in the morning to confirm the time for lunch and her husband messaged back saying lunch was not at 1pm but 12 and that we can come for a cake at 3. We said that we will be able to make it by 12 as we are ready, to which he again said to come for a coffee at 3pm. I then told him to stop bullshiting and just admit that they aren't counting on us at all, to which he admitted his wife didn't count on us. That was end of our friendship but beginning of one of the biggest struggles I faced.

I got so wildly obsessed with her that my therapist needed to change her approach in helping me.
I got so wildly mean towards my own self I dont even know If I am able to find words to picture the insanity! Every living moment I spent transforming myself into her. To start with I wanted to go back in time and change everything and make her like me more. Well, That I could not do, no matter how many break downs I went through. Her getting rid of us means we arent good enough. I am not good enough. If only I was good enough, this would not happen! I spent next several months beating myself down for not being good enough, glorifying her and hating myself to the core of my being. Every time I moved my foot, arm, or head, my voices screamed that I am not moving the right way and that She moves so perfectly. When I picked up a glass of water, I instantly got triggered and I got an image pop up in my head, an image from a memory I had, real life, and voices screaming: "She picks a glass up perfectly, look at you, you worthless spook, you are ugly!" I Remember how number of times when I set into the car and closed the door the voices got beyond crazy shouting I am a worthless bitch and She sits in the car perfectly." Seeing Her in my head.
 All i could do is just scream and cry from the pain caused by this insanity. Everytime I did any work around the house - same story. Everytime I laughed. Everytime I set down to eat my lunch, dinner, breakfast. Whatever. She was in my mind along with my voices screaming and shouting! Day and night!
When I made coffee - wrong attitude! I dont lean to the right leaning on my hip.
When Eating breakfast - wrong eating breakfast! I don't eat cereal and low fat milk nor do I read newspaper.
 When we went out for a drink - wrong wrong wrong!! I dont even have my own drink! (Her drink is AperolSchpritz with no exceptions).
When I set still those were the worst ones - torture beyond torture!! Screaming voices in my head that I am so lazy where she is so active. If that was her, She would be outside walking. Because the voices were so controlling I would humbly put my shoes on and go out, in a rain, in a snow, with a fever. walking, because She would go for a walk.
 Evenings were in tears all the time because I dont shower everynight, but she does and I am a stinky, yucky hippie and she is so organized and focused and clean and she would NEVER go to bed without the shower! Screaming voices would always get me showering after a painful breakdown. (Ok, that one isn't that bad, shower hasn't killed anyone, but still...seriously? Every night even if you are lazy at home not sweating at all??)
I hated myself for not horseriding and thisone was a  tricky one because at the (literally!!) same time I made myself NOT to go for a horseride (I did little bit of horseriding then quit because I am not as good as She is) because I am not as good as she is, and wanted to do because I wanted to be a copy of this bizarre perfection/illusion going on in my head at that moment.
Not to mention how much suffering the-way-I-don't-talk-to-Jono-the-way-she-talks-to-her-husband I went thought. Well, she is mean towards her husband, but in my head they obviously have nothing but PERFECT marriage.
 I wanted to do pilates because she does it, and she is perfect, and I wanted to change the entire home decoration because our home decoration is bohemian/rustic and hers is classic. I wanted to move into another apartment because our apartment was retro and hers is classic/modern. I obsessively looked for lakes where we could go to because she lives close to the lake and swims all the time. I wanted to get myself jeans because my style is bohemian/gypsy and hers is well.... nothing.... i dont give her credits on that one ha! But, I anyway i almost drowned in my tears having breakdowns because I should get running shoes, hiking shoes, walking in the forest shoes, working shoes, jeans just like her. I made this clever plan on how I will become organized. Organized?! Me? I mean seriously! I have lived with bulimia since age of 11 or 12 or whatever because I can't cope withn the system where everyting is organized and set up, and the whole purpose of my bulimia was to release the control. Let go. scream vomit kick whatever, just let gooo! And there I was, planning on becoming organized. Well, I one morning also looked up how to become an Austrian citizen. Anyway, the list goes on and you got the picture...Things got a little bit out of control. And when I say every living moment I had an image (That I created about her) about her in my head, I quite mean that! Day and night! Those were not random thoughts that would pop up every now and then, those were insanely bizarre, sick, violent thoughts I had GLUED in my mind ALL-THE-TIME!!! I was addicted to her and obsessed with her, addicted to the pain the thought about her caused,to the "excuse" for a self hate. But I really didn't see the way out.
And you know what...She was the worst one, but not the only one that woke up such enormous selfhate. There is a pattern.

One day when waiting for my therapy I was looking through old emails and I found her emails. By that point I spent about 6 months of this insanity and increased therapies and alot and a lot of work, so reading through emails with a little bit of distance I could see, for the first time, that we were actually never friends! There was nothing. She was using me as a back up just in case they move to New Zealand and I would be a friend to start with, but then they decided not to move to NZ and she didn't need me, so she pretty heartlessly got rid of me. And I was using her for feeding my bulimia.


Then in December my husband Jono and I went back to Africa for a month. Depressed as I was I wasn't looking forward to the trip. It was like I sensed something isn't right.  When we arrived we were picked up by a friend of mine and our boy .. Should be joyful time, but I was numb. I was last in Uganda three years ago, and it was first time for Jono.
 However, the very next day I got shock of my life and it felt like I got hit by truck. We spent the day at the project and our hearts got broken for ever. The boys were the way they were when I last saw them, still stealing to one another and lying, the only thing that changes is that they became very materialistic and our first interactions all started with "Auntie Natasa, get me an iphone. Get me an ipod. Get me original allstars, get me bike. Give me 2000 shillings. Get me a passport" Project I helped to start with another girl from UK back in 2009. The project should support street children in Uganda, give them home, education and heath, and sort their messed up lives out. Like for example, help them to stop stealing and lying and begging for stuff.
As I didn't visit Uganda for three years I didn't know how bad it was, and I supported the project financially. Sent thousands and thousands of euros to "my friend" in a good faith that she is doing a good job. I noticed the change in her and also she obviously wasn't fond of me as much as my Austrian friend wasnt, nut she needed me for money. Jono was telling me all the time that she is dodgy and not fond of me, but I was in a denial, as this is what i do best. Well, at last,. my eyes were open. The project was ruined, corrupted, her and her husband were using the money I was sending for their personal shit, the boys didnt have couches, the house wasn't painted, they had no idea I am sending all the money for their breakfasts and treats and trips etc.
I screamed and I cried and I was fighting against the betrayal,  against another heartbreak. We decided to stay for the boys and just spend all the money on fixing up the house then talk to my friend about "what the fuck is going on" and if no resolution then leave the project. Well, we did ask "my friend" what the fuck is she thinking, and that was last I ever heard from her.
But leaving the project was terribly hard and complicated. Our boy was still there. We loved all 30 of them but one in particular adopted us as his parents.   How to leave him? We tried to adopt him, spent next 3 months spending all the money, which was thousands and thousand of euros, on lawyers and documentation needed, such as passport, birth certificate, tracing down his parents, getting the permission, arranging court dates, saving money for tickets for going back to Uganda to attend the court, paying for a "blessing" his  parents gave us with feeding the whole village , dealing with corruption and then finally realizing two things: 1) it will not work out because he is too old, 2)My motive is unhealthy.
After the second day in Uganda I did something that made my marriage suffer for the first time (other than suffering all the time because of my mental health problems lol) --- I shut Jono out of my life completely. Physically, emotionally,  mentally. I was literally obsessed with saving my boy. Not our boy, but MY boy! I became obsessed with MY boy!! This obsession was a little different to the one with Austrian lady. I didn't want to become My Boy but I wanted to have him next to me all the time, physically!
I stopped talking to Jono, I was only happy if I had a good talk with my boy, and we talked everyday. If he didn't call for a day I lost my mind! I felt rejected. Betrayed. Hurt. I felt worthelss. I felt useless and therefore he swapped me for another "mom" who is more fun, intelligent, creative, confident, capable... I went from one break down to another and it was all about ME. Although it looked like I massively care about My Boy that wasnt the case. I only cared about how he made me feel. When he made me feel needed and wanted and chosen then I got my fix.
 I totally emotionally betrayed Jono. Then one day he told me he sees no future like this and that if we don't do anything about it we wont make it.
I remember being so mad at him, how does he dare to put ultimatums on our marriage while I am trying to save last bits of what was left  from my broken heart. 5 years of my entire life was gone. There was that massive hole that now needed to be replaced. I am aching to the point that I cant breathe anymore and all I want is to die. The thoughts about dying were with and I haven't had suicidal thoughts for ages, and there he is, the man who is suppose to love me, telling me is unhappy because we don't talk, nor do we have sex. How does he not understand that this project was my life, before i committed to him I committed to the project. how selfish of him!!!
I was absolutely terrible. I failed as a wife massively! Not for a minute I thought about him, about the pain he is going through because of me.
But I did think about what he said and soon I realized I will need to choose between "my boy" and my husband. I was very clear to me choosing husband is what I want to choose, after all he was so supportive and so beautiful to me all this time, we worked so hard to be where we are, going through serious mental health issues, addiction, he never failed to protect me. And with this thought in my head I realized my obsession with the boy is everything but healthy and after I spent weeks and weeks working through this emotion, I was able to see that I want to be "his mom" I want to be needed and wanted and thanked for. I want to have my own kids too.
Once I learned that, I was able to hug my husband again. That was after three months.
It took me additional 6 months to let go of my boy. 

All this was happening while I was very sick. I was on a sick leave for three months. The damage to my body that was caused by bulimia was tremendous. My intestines were cut from the inside and I got bunch of hemorrhoids.  I needed two surgeries and the recovery was the most painful ever! Every single day I was reminded of the pain I went through when I vomited and overdosed on laxatives and other pills. I was so afraid of my own self. I couldn't distinguish whether I am going through this pain because i am doing it again or because something else. The lines between reality and non-reality were blurry again. My addictive personality wasn't helpful at all.....as I was given painkillers to reduce the pain and needed to take them every day, in no time 3 painkillers a day were not enough. I no time I started taking 6 at once, 3 times a day. So that was shit as well.

This not being enough, I hooked up with another mental health person,who was also very involved in our African project. She was borderline and god give her peace, we were terrible for each other.
Yes, losing a project was a nightmare and leaving the boys was heartbreaking but if one is mentally unstable everything feels 100x heavier. If two are mentally unwell everything feels like 500x heavier.
I was addicted to her just like I was addicted to the painkillers and my boy and in the past to vomiting, food and laxatives. We were feeding of each other. It was terrible! We made eachother feel like shit. But that was the whole point. The more we felt like shit the more we needed each other. We talked big talks about our pain, suffering, mental health, heartbreaks, betrayals ALL.THE.TIME. With no stop. We felt sorry for ourselves and for each other. Drama, drama, drama!!! I stayed up during the nights to talk to her about her drama, because she lived in Canada so timezones are opposite, and she stayed up during her nights to talk about my drama. I didn't put my phone down for a minute (again, meaning quite literally!) We talked on FB, we talked on viber, whataap and skype at once. Going through same stories over and over again, all the time!! To the point that I cired everytime I saw her name on my chat (she probably did too) and I wanted it all to stop! Thanks to my therapist, my husband, and my rich experiances with addiction I was able to put an end to this one!
 I decided to get Canadian-Friend-clean. I deleted my Facebook for good (God bless me for that!!), I deleted her phone numbers, contacts, emails. I meditated and meditated and mediated, really worked hard on letting go and in March 2015 I took my first breath!
Everything else followed. Not that I was free from my mental-buddy and got rid of Facebook I had more time and space to deal with other shit as well. And for the first time in 3 months I didn't need to take painkillers as the pain from the surgeries finally stopped.

While this was happening, my beloved friend who  makes jewelry launched her new collection called "Wear it like a crown" titled by song Wear it like a crown by Rebekka Karijod. I listened to that song not to lie, about 300 times (yes, my addictive personality does not know boundaries) and there was just something about that song - each and every word spoke to me, until for the billionth time I heard the song and I had my epiphany moment - "This is how I feel!! I am afraid of who am I becoming! Afarid of letting everyone and myself down!!" The song became my best friend! A friend who felt me and understood me and the friend who gave me the best advice with its line saying
"'Cause if I don't follow my heart this time,
I'm gonna forget what this life is all about,
I'm gonna take that path, I'm going in on my own,
I'm gonna take that fear and wear it like a crown"


SONG:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XuBJ0QQ4dak 

If I dont follow my heart this time, I'm gonna forget what this life is all about! were the words echoing in my head once I really understood what they meant, and There I was, decided to follow my heart this time, so I don't forget what this life is all about!
That day when Jono came from work we set in the middle of the living room and I said - "Babe, I get it! We are together for something greater than just saving my life. We are together so together we can go out into the world and help kids who need help. It is not about you and me, it is about those who need some love. Lets leave."
Jono said "Africa or New Zealand?"  I could take another breath.
We decided to start with New Zealand to balanced up our marriage so I get an opportunity to get familiar with an environment that shaped him.
Now this is last week of April I am talking about here.
And it was our spring break in school. We went to Italy for few days, celebrating our engagement anniversary, I resigned from my school and for the the third time I could take a big breath and burden of my chaotic life became a little bit less heavy.

I applied for visa and in August we packed our backpacks and moved to New Zealand.







                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

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