Art of Letting Go

I have been trying to write a post about my life in New Zealand in chronological order, but i somehow don't  "like it"..... its just the sequence of events and its boring, although all the  events are very much bulimia relevant, because they have shaped me into the person I am now, buy nah ...

Then I realized ..
This is  exactly my problem ----- everything I do, I do with other people in mind. Will she like it? Will he mind? Will they get it? Does it make me look stupid in his eyes? Does it make me look worthless to her? What will she think? How will she get me? Am I sounding reasonable? Am I clear? Will they get me? If I dress this way will people think I am boring? If put this on, will people think I am out of my way? Should I be quite and say nothing? If I don't speak I am so lame, if I speak I am pathetic. I better not try this out because he will think I am beyond stupid, but better not try that out because she will look at me like what the fuck.

With these thoughts in my head I make decisions throughout the day.
5 thousands decisions made out of fear of what other people might think of me.
Day after day.
With every decision made out of fear of what other people will think of me it means I am not true to myself, but to them. To people out there, relevant or irrelevant to my every day life. 

It sucks. It truly sicks. And 5 years into rehab I still mind what people think of me.
It is getting easier as each day goes by, but still punish myself everytime I allow myself be true me -- "Now what will she/he think of you after they saw you walk this way? Heard you laugh oddly or say such and such thing....." my voices speak up.

It's so annoying because the entire rehab is about accepting myself for who I am.
Accepting the way I walk, the way I talk, the way I work, the way I drive, the way I think, The way I clean, the way I cook, I wake up, I make love,  I make friends.....

I just so so so sooooo badly want to let go of a burden of being suitable for everyone in every situation.
Fuck it, some people don't like me, I don't like bunch of people too. Some people are more organized than me and some are more active and some are better dancer and some are quieter and some are bubblier, and some are sexier and some are wiser.... But that ok, because they are just different.

I get it. I get it in theory.
I know we are all beautiful and gorgeous and creative and sexy and interesting and artistic and we smell nice.......but the difference between "The beautiful ones" and us is that they know they are beautiful, they are aware of their uniqueness and their strengths and we aren't. We are still so terribly afraid of who we are. 

The child inside us is still afraid of what mommy and daddy will think of us, and if you are as unlucky as I am then your mommy and your daddy are afraid of what their mom and dad will think of you, and their friends and the neighbors and people in the store and the whole village.....
So you grow up needing to please all the people in the entire universe so your mom and dad would get the approval that they did a good job raising a kid.

There is no way you can suit everyone. No way. And you shouldn't/
But I have that need to "be approved" by everyone ... the neighbors need to think that I am the best neighbor they have ever had. The mother-in-law must think that I am better daughter in law than her own daughter are. The kids in school must think that there is no better teacher in the world than me. Friend must think I am the awesomest and  they almost don't want to hang out with anyone else but me, because no-one is as good friend as me. The cat has to think I am the best owner in the world and the colleagues at work need to admire me and those that like me should look up to me and those that don't like me should feel like they should totally change their minds and start liking me. I mean the list goes on, I want to be perfect in every social situation at once!
Of course that means I am being hypocrite.

Underneath all of it I have this big desire to let go of that need and just be myself.

I feel the heaviness of this burden, I feel like there is a massively heavy brick that holds me down and I can barely breathe.
 I know if only I could take this brick off, I would feel such a relief and I would breathe normally.

So my mind gets it. My mind wants to fee itself, but then as I try to let go of this burden I seem to struggle. I keep coming back to it. I manage to let it go for a bit, I spread my arms and I honor my self, my life, my choices, my path and my purpose. I get it. And I feel it all. I am present in the moment and I am so grateful and don't feel any need to change anything. It's all so perfect and everything smells nice and a gray rainy day is the most beautiful color ever and the sun feels like its filling me up with light and colorful flowers and houses and cars and buildings seem like the most delicious fruits. Everything is just fine and I understand it all and I am thankful for my legs, my eyes, my belly, my hands, my face, my lips, my voice, my drive, my passion, my house, my cat, my friends, my family, my neighbors, my job, my challenges, my struggles, my yoga practice, meditation, food, books, furniture, people, animals, recovery, courage, writing, creating....
Then in the next moment "BOOM" .. its all gone. I don't see anything and I don't feel anything and most certainly I am not grateful for anything. Instead I whine and complain and nag and bitch and hate and envy and I wan't to change everything and everyone around me, and I wan't to change the way I breathe and I want it all RIGHT NOW!
Its so overwhelming.

Then once I catch myself drifting away I now exactly know what to do.....I need to sit still, go into my body, process the suffering and let it go all over again..... Until it comes back.

So this art of letting go is what recovery is all about.
It isn't a struggle, it is a practice. It is a creation. It is ART.

It keeps coming back but you must keep letting it go. Until it is completely gone.

And there is where I am at at the moment.

I am still letting go and it is still coming back.
It is not entirely gone.

The desire of approval of others, fitting in with everyone, being everyone's favorite and not allowing myself be myself, make mistakes and not be everyone's favorite is   my current piece of art I am creating right now.

During writing this post I went through tears and heartache. Through a massive melt down. Through several layers - from resisting the truth about myself to realizing I am the one suffering because of it to accepting my role and my responsibility in this story to letting go of the desire of perfection to accepting myself for who I am, a little bit more.

Now I have peace in my heart.
I removed that brick of my heart.
I took a breath.

I honor myself and I count blessings.

I hear the rain outside and it makes my heart sing.
I smell the fire and it warms my bones and I look around me and all I see is a house filled with love and hope, I see the cat that we rescued and I am thankful for having a big enough heart  to save her life. I see my husband and my heart is about to burst from the gratefulness I have for this man, I remember the conversation we had in the morning about loyalty for yourself and for your partner and the responsibility we have to live our lives with open hearts, letting our inner artists roar. He allows me to be honest with myself, with what I feel, although the truth isn't pleasant for him. He accepts it because he knows I am on a journey to recover from this madness. He knows I am still learning and growing and developing. He forgives (How, I don't know, but he does. He never holds anything against me.) I am so, so, so thankful for his massively big heart, wisdom, encouragement, love and friendship. Looking at him now I feel I want to have his child. I feel we will do good with bringing another life into this world because we will raise him well and we will make sure his heart is big and open and he/she will help the world become a little bit nicer place.
I feel that and the fears and doubts all drop.
I keep looking around, and I see this gorgeous rustic house of ours, beautifully decorated by our won hands, I take time to look at each peace of art and I understand they speak our story and I realize.....our life is good. I realize I don't have to be sporty and "hot" and cellulite free, I don't have to jog three times a week and eat greens when I don't feel like...I am a child of this universe and I am as beautiful as everyone else and I am not into sports because I am an artist and that is ok.
I smell bread I made and I am thankful for my mother who taught me  how to cook, who equipped me well for this grown up world kitchen wise. I see the yellow blanket we bought the other day because It is cooling down and my heart goes tinga-linga-ling, I see our yoga mats and I smile as I remember my yoga practice this morning, how I overcame the fear of sweating (heart raise and sweating always remind of panic attacks so I really struggle with sports, but yoga teaches me how to gently push myself towards the dark places and face the fears.) and I am happy.
I need nothing, because everything is here.
My cellulite on my butt has nothing on the peace in my heart right now.

And I know it will all come back, but right now I am able to be present in this moment, in my body and because of this peace right now I know that the very next time when the darkness comes back, I will be able to let it go a little bit easier...... until it is all gone.