Overwhelming times

Ok, I need this post.
I must write and pretend I am dealing with myself, although this is just redirecting myself instead of taking time, going into my body and deal with it there.
But I am not in the mood to do it, or at least one of my selves isn't in the mood.

Not going there to figure that out.

But. I has been so hard lately I don't even know anymore whether all of it is just a joke or there is life giving me harder tasks since I have toughen up a bit.

I am having everyday struggles, Nothing major, but it seems like every bit of it is a slap into my face and I simply don't know how to handle it.
I shut myself down and I refuse to feel. So Now I am FAT! Like big time FAT!!
Am I really fat or not, I don't know! Because it feels real. I don't know how I look like.
But one of the voice in my head is telling me I have gained some weight in last few weeks, then another is telling me I was never even smaller shape, then another is telling me those are just emotions glued no my body, then the fourth voice is laughing at me how naïve and vulnerable I am.
It is chaos. It is 7 oclock in the morning and it is chaos in my head and pain and disgust in my body.

Every bit of stress, frustration, anger, anxiety, fear,  euphoria .... that hasn't been dealt with is now glued on my body. Tights the most this time.
I hate my tights.

We are going towards the end of the school year so the work is overwhelming.
Kids are all over the place and we are settling up the schedule for the next year.
Yah, normal life situation. But not if you are afraid of your boss just because he reminds you too much of your father. And this very much the same scary boss is the one who is making a schedule for you for next year. But I don't like the schedule he has for me. Working with kids with special needs (is a blessing. It is the most beautiful mission one could have) is not easy. Working with kids with special needs with no break for 7-8 hours is not good for the kids with special needs...
Full time recovery and part time study is overwhelming, so I asked to work for 6 hours next year, be home by 2pm. My request was not approved.
OK. but the way he did it was nasty. I know it fits into my schedule, because I had seen it before I asked for 6 hours, then he came to me randomly while working with kids and told me it does nto fit into the schedule and that I should know I am earning a lot of money and I would never earn the same in Slovene school, he played a game of me feeling guilty. He needs me there for 8 hours so he can use me at any time. He always uses me for any subbing, duty and other shit. But with me leaving earlier it would give him less time to use me.
It reminds me of my dad when he always wanted me to come up to their place every single weekend although he would never spend more than 10 minutes with me, 7 of those minutes were not quality time at all.  but I needed to be there.
just in case he needs to break down and yell so I am there and he can use me for that, blame me and made me thisnk it is my fault. Just in case him and mom would hate each other on that day so he has someone else to fight with.
I could never understand that, why does he need  me next to him, but I did it every time.
over and over again.
I suffered, I did not want to be there, but I was.
I wasn't allowed to hang out with my friends, or after a hour of being out of the house I would get a phone call to come home. both him and my mom were angry with me for not being at home and blaming me and talling me they give so much and I just stab them in the back and I spend no time with them and I don't respect them and if my friends mean more to me I should go to my friends ..... I never understood why they are this way. I was told they are toxic parents, very passive aggressive, obsessive, using me for their filter, but I did not really understand what does that mean.
I enver understood why they don't let me be free????
why they were sooooo obsessed with me???
same feeling I have with my boss. he is so aggressive. he learn my weakness and he is using it. using it well. I always agree into stuff without knowing, then I come home and I hate myself for not saying no, not standing up for myself. I am scared of my own self.
And I have been caught into this web for over a year now. before I didn't even notice but now it is getting out of control. It causes so much ache.
I ahte being at work. I am having panic attacks ever morning and break downs everytime I leave the school. Every time I see him walk around I panic, what did I do wrong??? just like I feel when my father is around.
Being aware of it is harder than you think. it is easier to be just manipulated than being manipulated infront of your won eyes.

I  am getting married in three weeks and I am kinds relaxed but my mom is chocking me.
Everytime we speak she is sooooooo using me for her own emotions. making me feel guilty. her voice is heavy and depressed, sighing all the time and complaining.
I react. I always react.
If I don't react, I hate myself for not reacting and letting her make me feel so guilty but if I tell her off I hate myself for hurting her feelings.
My dad doesn't call me much.
Tday I cried because it is Saturday and I haven't heard from my mom since Thursday, when I told her we are not coming fr a visit this weekend.
Not that I miss her too much, but this very same mother who has a power of making me feel guilty for not keeping intouch ignores me, according to her because she is too busy??
I would say Really you bitch?? if it wasn't about my mother, I cant call her this way, but REALLY?????? what gives you the right to say to me I am such ungrateful child because I am avoiding them and ignoring them and not respecting then and I don't know what else, where you are worst than I ever was???
I get busy too, I get overwhelmed also, I wanna throw my phone somewhere not to see it ever again sometimes also, but I am expected to be there every single time you want me to??????
What gives you the right to treat me this way and FAIL yourself the same time????

I don't know how to handle it? how to live with it? what to do?
Whatever  I do I feel awful!
I hate myself for whatever I do.
Regarding to my boss, my father, my mother and not to mention all those people I kinda call friends.
what the fuck.
I don't know do I have a sign on my forehead saying: feel free to say anything you want about me, to me?
I mean I might be kind of open person and talk about personal stuff but where does this give you a right to say it to my face "You look tired. You are stressed because of wedding. your thighs look bigger in those pants. You are losing weight? what diet are you on? This is not a good decision?

SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT THE FUCK UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP?!!!!!!!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I did not ask you to comment me, I did not ask you to advice me, I did not ask you anything, so control yourself and shut the fuck up!
I really struggle with people. I don't like people.
I hate people.
No-one inspires me.
Like I have one persont hat I find inspiring and my partner.
One plus my partner.
I am So UNHAPPY!!!!!

I am overwhelmed from all those little things I guess called life, but it gets me.
they screw up with me.
they make me stay awake most of  the night or sleep but have night mares.
they make me hate myself and feel fat.
they make me tired.
they make me be unhappy.
I am so unhappy.

I am afraid I will not be able to handle my self for much longer and I will literally punch the next smart ass minding my business or I will give myself a hardcore punch and slip few steps backwards.

People.
I really dislike people.

Yah yah yah I know, if I don't like myself and if I don't find an inspiration in my own self I will never be happy.
but still, people make me sick.

so much.

They are all so narrow minded.
My friends fucking know I am recovering from bulimia and yet they tlak to me about their diets and how they are losing weight and about their exercise plans and that random bullshit, telling me I am losing weight after asking them not to tell me this (WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!) and asking me for the diet tips.
and yet I am expected to remain SANE?????If I snap and say something back I am the weird, unstable one.
but they can all say shit they want????

Everything is coming out.
I am afraid I will not be able to handle my parents at the wedding.
I am afraid I am not strong enough for them. I mean I know I am not strong enough when it comes to my parents but that even my own wedding day wont be my day because of my family drama. I am afraid I will give in.

If I could turn back time I would never tell anyone about the wedding and just do it the way we both wanted ...... but did not do it because we kidn of wanted to keep the families happy.
I would choose to say Screw you, even if we don't talk ever again but I am doing the wedding MY way. with none of you around!

to make it even more sick, my boss and his wife are coming because I was too weak to say no when they (she) invited their selves.
That was before we even knew how our wedding will be but I knew my class will be there, and she asked if she can come too. I was shocked and said yes.
she never forgot about it.
after six months she was still talking about it and I knew I am screwed. I will never tell her not to come. I am too weak.
and here it is, all this shit coming out, chocking me,
I am drowning in this shit.
And it will not stop.

I have to live with it, with my own weakness and my own mistakes. I don't know how.
I am afraid of myself and I have no faith to hold on to right now.
I am faithless and everything seems so dark and hopeless.

I see no joy.
I feel no joy.

There is no joy.

Infact, there is. My children at school. Miracle children. Everyday. And you, my lovelies, you who I don't know, but who read my blog and write me nice messages, thanking me for being honest, telling me how much you like my blog, how this is your place to just rest for a bit, where you feel who you are and not lost in this big scary world of eating disorders.
When I started writing blog I actually still believed blogging is very odd and infact stupid. why would someone want to put himself out there, talk personal stuff with the world that doesn't actually exist.

Then I accepted my bulimia diagnosis but I just could not and could not accept the narrow thinking of people and friend around me, telling me I should just jog, eat healthy, deal with my issues on my own.
I was told often people just don't understand.
Yah hell yah, but those who are a bit (too) close to my life should just learn to understand, otherwise get the hell out of my life.
I was told so often this is not how life goes and if I one does not have any experience with ED one cant understand me.
Yah I know, people get you to certain point, up to lets say depression.
Beyond depression and anxiety there is nothing for them, they don't relate to you any more.
Ok, I understand.
But just learn about it.
If you don't try to understand ED then you cant stay in my life.
I am not asking to save me, but just to not shut me down everytime I say I feel fat.
If I have to understand people that they don't get me why people would not try and understand me.
When I say I feel fat I don't need you to say I am not or I should just try some new diet and not eat after 6pm.
Just try to learn to understand what are the possible reasons why I feel fat.
I am not talking about all the people, just those who kind of stick to your life from such and such reason. And don't tell me this is too much to ask. To get a book or make a small research online about what ED is.
At least my experience with people were awful!
Now I am grateful I could get rid of those kind of people. I mean they owe me nothing, but neither do I owe them anything.

SO I thought I could get a bit honest about ED on here where I can remain anonymous.
I thought just few people will   read it but in fact, this blog took off after just few months.
I know it is a good place for you to be, here you don't feel alone, here you can relate, most times. Here you are not judged. At least for me is like this. I don't know if you get my GO FIND HELP message but if you made it up here and can relate to my writing then you know you have problem, which is a good start!!!! Congratulations. Now just take it to the next level.
Often they would tell me they don't wanna go to the rehab because they have no faith, they are hopeless, they have had ED for half of the life.... I mean this is actually like saying you are too dirty to take a bath. Of course you are faithless and know no other life than eating disorder life, but this can only be changed if you go to rehab. then you gradually get faith back and your life is more than just eating disorder. And yes it sucks, but you owe it to yourself!!!
being out there is scary and the would is so mean, so cruel, so cold.
being on those pills sucks and psychiatrists suck or at least it takes good amount of time to find the one you feel comfortable with and even more time to trust the therapist.
It has to be the perfect commination of doctors and outside support to stop lying. this is what I found the hardest. to stop lying.
but I did and it is so liberating.

I know not only anorexic and bulimic people read my blog.
I got few emails from friends and partners asking me how to help their partners/friends and telling me my blog helps them understand their partners/friends mind better.
Which was my initial reason why this blog.

So now I don't know what touches me more.....those who suffer and find help on my blog or those who wanna understand their beloved ones.
I guess it is a whole.

we don't know eachother, yet we are so close.
We know eachother more than we think.

I am not over yet but if you ever feel like talking to someone who knows what you are going trough (at least for me this is always so relieving) flick me an email to recover.from.bulimia@gmail.com

you can go on and on and I will not judge. I might be able to give you some advice or be supportive or just be there, on the other side, reading what you got to say.

And remember: BULIMIA/ANOREXIA is NOT your fault!!!

Now tell your all 5 voices in your head to go fuck their selves and see what happens.
let me know.

How did you feel?
Did you feel fine?
Did you feel nothing?
Did you puke?
Did you break down?
....

Let yourself feel.
Whatever it is, it is ok!














 

How would the World be if everyone loved their bodies?

I often think of this.
What would happen if we all simply loved our bodies?

I dream of that.
I pray for that.
Not only for myself to accept myself for who I am and for how my body is, but of all of you.

I pray.

So I wanna share this with you.
If nothing else it is a good cry.
At least for me it was. It hit the places that hurt the most.




http://aplus.com/a/this-woman-wants-to-change-how-we-look-at-our-bodies



I will always pray.

About letting go ..

I am fighting.
Still.
Every day.
Every moment.

There has been countless times when I wanted to give up and just puke. It seemed so easy.

When my bulimia was in the big swing I would puke about 10 times a day and I would take about 10 laxative pills which meant about 30 diarrheas a day, binging kilos and kilos of food or starving myself to the collapse.
Endless pain at the toilet, puking and shitting blood, screaming from the pain. Pilling the skin off the legs, pulling hair of my head, loosing teeth, crying because of the haemorrhoids sticking out of my butt bleeding, choking with my own vomit ....

It was all much easier than rehab.

I wish, just for some short time I could release my pain with vomiting and not with feeling all of it.

I mean, it is not this bad every day, but last few months have been hectic like this.

I am going off the antidepressants. [HOORAY!!!!]
oh boy.
I was ready. I really was ready to free myself from the AD (they were helping my numbness control me for longer) but oh boy.
I did it very slow. Like very, very, slow.
but still. It affected me.
Emotions started pouring out that were shut before.
Thoughts were louder and the opinion was stronger.

Suddenly, I wasn't happy at work, I saw how hypocrite the people are that I haven't seen it before, and it frustrated me so much. I didn't know how to deal with my emotions. Why does it bother me so much? What is actually my problem?

I struggled with my family big time again.
Not that it was ever much better but I almost found some peace for few months. My dad didn't spoke to me and my mom cooled down a little bit.
but it all came back over the past three months.
I feel almost hate towards them.

Every single day I would struggle with my dad and my mom in my head.
Feeling caught and tricked.
Screwed and manipulated by my family.

I felt this way before, but now it was different.
Now I have been on a rehab for two years and half. I am different. Same stories got different dimensions.
I felt a lot of hate when I let that emotion come out (through my body).

Therapies were spooky and there was a lot of horror present in my every day.
I felt caught by my father. I couldn't move forward an inch, I felt like I am a hostage.
All his yelling came out. It hurt all over again.
All of my mom's possessing behaviour came out, it was ready to be dealt.

I felt like I am a mistake.
I still feel this way, but I can tell that it is settling slowly.
I need some rest then I will be ready for a new chapter.

I am so disconnected. Still.
This bothers me so much.

Also now, right now, writing this, I am not fully present.
I am aware of writing, and I know I will post this.
I am aware of time. I know In 45 minutes my fiancée is coming home and we will eat, but I am writing all of this from the memory, not from my heart. From my body.

I don't know if you can sense it or not. But it is obvious.
My face is empty and I don't feel all of my body.
I feel my legs and my stomach as I am feeling sick, but my head is not connected to my body and I am not feeling my arms although I am using my hands now.

My partner told me today he feels like I shut myself.
I feel shut down.
I don't want to feel. I don't want to deal with anything.
I am tired.
I wanna sleep. My body is aching. I have been having cramps all over my body for last three days. it is annoying and painful. I am assuming it is because there is shit waiting for me to be ready to deal with it. it wants to come out but I keep shutting it down. I am not ready.
So my body is full of emotions that I have been ignoring and it hurts.

You know that saying: Never trust your mind. Your mind will play tricks on you. Go into your body. Body never lies. Body is smarter than you.

When I was first introduced to the rehab "SHUT YOUR MIND DOWN!! GO INTO YOUR BODY. WHAT IS THERE? WHAT DO YOU FEEL?"
I didn't understand it at all. what crap.
I always thought you are your mind.
And now my therapist is trying to convince me I am not my mind. [????]
I even read a book THE POWER OF NOW sayig exactly the same thing. I did not get it.
I still don't. but I am closer to the truth now.
I am having more faith into that "saying"....
I am trying.
I am giving it a chance.
but it is so freaking hard.

Do things slow. Observe your body. If you hear your mind speak, observe how your body reacts to it.
Feel your body. Be present. Be fully present. Quite your mind. Let the body speak.
All that you ever suffered from and you stuffed it deep down into your body with food and selfhate, or you even believed you flushed it down the toilet everytime you puked....well, it did not go further than from your head to your toes. It is still there. Somewhere in your body, waiting for you to be ready to wake it up, deal with it and let it go.
This let go thing was also very confusing to me..... what does Let go! even mean??
what, I go to the therapy, lets say I manage to shut my mind down, I start feeling my body, I follow the pain, I feel the pain, Soon the emotion comes out, I recognize the emotion, stay with it for some time ................. and then what............................. let it go? and then all will be OK?
it never worked this way for me.
it always kept coming back and back!
I couldn't understand it. I thought I Let it go!
But it did not go. it was still there.
Then I learned things don't go away in 30 minutes of my (hard) work. Nah!
they might need more time.
Some things needs days and days to be completely away.
Some weeks and week. And some even years and years (family).

So I learned patience.
Ok, no, I did not lean patience. I have NO patience and It seems like I have zero tolerance to the patience. But what I did learn is that there is such thing as patience and it is useful.

I use some patience on a yoga mat. Or yoga taught me some patience. I don't know and I don't need to know right now. I think it goes hand in hand.
But Yoga mat is a place where I practice patience. Where I am able to practice patience, I think this is what it is.
I move slow. I breathe. I stop when I have it enough yet I push myself every time I hit the yoga mat.
There is  now word to describe my yoga situation.
I love yoga. I love being a yogi person (whenever I can). I did a lot of yoga when my bulimia was a bit in a stand by mode few years ago. Then bulimia came back and it took my yoga and my dance away. I could never go back to dance again, but I tried to do yoga. it was  a nightmare. I hated it. hated it soooo much. I hated myself on a mat. I hated my heavy body. I hated I could not do asanas as I used to did. Ihated I was out of a breath in no time. I ripped yogamat after yogamat and had loud suicidal thoughts everytime I'd spend more than 3 minutes on a mat. I wanted to die.
In my head I had that idea I will once do my practice again, but reality was anything but promising.
Then My fiancée moved over from New Zealand and he is a patience

-----------
This is me writing after few days.

I am exhausted.
I had a sleepless night.
Woke up at 1.20am from a nightmare then I could not fall asleep at all.
My mind got so busy, all 6 voices in my head worked hard to keep me awake so next time I realized it was 6 o'clock in the morning.

My worries were flipping from bulimic thoughts to the everyday worries such as work.
I worried I am gaining weight each and every minute of my life and I worried I will nt be able to control myself next time I see my boss.
It is heard to deal with job situations, such as dealing with your boss's hypocrite face and disrespect if you don't have strong foundations.
My situation at work is pretty much every day situation, but I struggle big time because I cannot draw a line between I take no more bullshit and I take all the bullshit.
it is hard for me to voice my opinion at work because my boss knows me as someone who struggles with selfesteem and needs a lot of positive affirmations. He knows that so he knows he can manipulate with me. but the thing is I have grown stronger since my first year at work and now it is hard for me to fix my reputation.
It is time for me to change a job I believe.
We are moving to New Zealand next year this time so I guess I can hold on for one more school year.

I visited my parents yesterday. Left the same day.
I felt so guilty.
Leaving my mama and papa.
but if I didn't leave they would eat me alive.
I feel so frugal these days.
My mind is going crazy.
I judge my body same as I judged it back then when bulimia had full control over me.
I am hating my body.
I am doubting in myself.
I am afraid.

I am distanced from my partner whom I am getting married to in a month.
It sux.
I mean being detached not getting married.
I cant make love to him I am overwhelmed.
Bulimia and relationship are not best friends.
My partner is down to earth and he has full understanding of what is happening with me and why I cant be a good partner to him, and he supports me and loves me deeply.
Yah, I am so lucky. But being the one who is a reason for lack of sex and peace in the house it is not easy to swallow. it is a good reason to hate myself even more for who I am.

Life is difficult right now.
I have faith. Deep down I am very faithful, that's why I keep on going,but there is no peace within me.
I hold on the negativity!
I create negativity.
I create worries. I cant handle all six voices in my head. I simply cant. I shut one down and there you go, another one screams.
I look for negativity.
It feeds my bulimia.
It seems like I am only interested in people that don't accept me fully. With their judgmets about me I feed my bulimia. I hold on that for hours and hours.
I see no beauty within me, around me.
I don't see my good friends. I see those who left.
I don't see kids loving me but I see teachers who don't like me and my boss who has odd attitude towards employees.
I don't see beauty outside but I see my "fat" body.
I don't see how loved I am by my fiancée all I hold on is a fear of him leaving because I am not good enough. Because I don't give him myself, my body.
But I hate my body.
Letting him love my body makes me feel better and I don't want to feel better. I want to suffer and hate myself. this is what I know best. I don't know how to be fine with who I am, so I don't want it. it is too scary. I might do it wrong. I don't want to let go of the selfhate.
everyone tells me how skinny I am, how good I look, how shiny my skin is. I ignore them.
If I believed them when they ask what powder I use because my skin is "perfect" but I don't use any powder, that would mean I would need to give myself some credits for taking such good ccare of my skin, my body. when they tell me my body shape is hot and that I lost so much weight and that I look good and that I look healthy etc. I must ignore them. if I would not ignore them I might believe them and then I would need to give myself some credits for taking such good care of my body, my diet schedule, my recovery. But that would mean I would accept myself for who I am and have faith in myself. Believing I am doing good with eating 5-6 times a day, recovering well ...... but I don't want to believe that. I am not good. I cant believe I am good, then the voices in my head would be shut down. but I don't want them to shut down because I feel safe with them torturing me because they have been torturing me for half of my life and I know this kind of life. it is not good and it is painful but it  is well known to me. I know what will happen. I have control.
I don't want to see how much my partner loves me.
If so, I would need to accept mself fully and this is what I dotn want to do. I cant b fine with myself. How does it feel to be fine with myself???? I don't know so I don't want to try it because I am afraid of the unknown. It scares me. It would mean I have no control over it. It is better to stay in my comfort zone. It hurts but that's ok, at least I know it well.
I don't want to change. I fear changes. I don't know life behind the wall so ti scares me.

Let go?
Change?
Accept?
believe I am just fine the way I am and that not everyone will always like me???? seriously!?!?! NO thanks! I aim for perfection.
People tell me there is no such thing as perfection but I don't believe them because I create perfection for others in my mind. My mind tells me such and such friend is perfect because she has flat stomac, she is pregnant and haven't gained any weight, her home is big and nice, she is married ad have job bla bla bla....... for me, there is such thing as perfection.
I believe in all those photoshoped photos and spotless skins.
I do.


-

After shock ..

I am just done with my "go into your body" ..
I cried. I felt. I felt a lot. I cried a lot.

but I don't feel like hanging out with my fiancée  yet. I don't feel like talking. I don't feel like letting go of this state so I am writing this post now, to be with my broken and hurt self for a little more.

My therapist tells me once I am done with "going into my body" I should do something else, so now I am thinking of what could I do when I finish this post that has nothing too do with healing.
I might go out for a walk or go cook the dinner.
I might take my fiancée out for a drink and breathe the evening air.

Usually after doing my rehab homework I feel much better because I am more present.
I still spend hours and hours and days and days caught in a selfhate, feeling nothing or feeling nothing but selfhate.
The progress is so slow. it is strong one though and permanent but so slow.
Like I have been recovering now for two years and half and I still struggle big time. I came a long way, I did. I am easier to live with and I make way more sense.
I am more honest and much more present and I do some socializing .. that's the big step for me.
I hate socializing. I simply hate it. I know my true self, my real me doesn't hate it and I am very outgoing and I live my life big, but with this bulimia ... oh boy I hate meeting for a coffee and forsome other occasions. It would happen quite often now that I feel great afterwards, and I would call my fiancée on a way home fully excited "Babe, babe, I loved it. I am feeling alive. I am feeling good>" I am like a little kid being let outside by herself for the first time, feeling like a grown up, although just 12.
I now walk outside and I see the beauty of the nature and I see how beautiful pregnant women are. I do hate them after they deliver that baby because they get fucking skinny in two weeks. skinnier than before. I hate them. I genially hate them. But I like flowers outside and animals and colors and the smell of the air. I call my man telling him" babe babe, the trees are sooooo awesome, look out. Babe babe, they have good strawberries in a supermarket. aah!
that makes me happy-strawberries in a supermarket ha!
I walk streets many times with shoulders back and chin up. I see new perspective.
Always before I would look down, but now I am more proud and more confident. it is obvious.
But it is sooo hard to make it from day to day.
Although it is so much hope in my life now.

I am doing better with my family. I don't hate them that much any more and I don't fear them that much also. They wake up all the emotions with their presence in no time, but if I get to keep the distance, we are actually much better.
Often, on daily bases I hear my parents in my head sabotaging me, telling me I am no good and my ideas sucks and I will never succeed. They are telling me I am too difficult to live with and that because of my character I will end up alone.
They are telling me I am not normal and I am no good.
 I believe those voices. They run my day after day.

Then I go into my body, shut the mind down and let the body speak.
Pain comes out.

Fear. Anger. Doubts. Hate. Jealousy. Disgust. Those are causing sever pain to my body.

Often, the voice in my head would get mental and then I realize that voice is my parents. It is sick they always just cause pain but they never do anything, they sit at the back of my head and laugh. They always laugh at me when I cry and ache.

The voices also don't let me take time for myself. They don't let me go into my body and feel the real shit. They numb me and they laugh at me.

I suck my belly in every single time I should be in my body. I don't know what is going on in the belly, never figured it out, but it yells at me: With the fat belly you are no-one!!!! FAT YOU ARE WORTH NOTHNING!!!

but I can control it to the point where I stop it now .. well, not on a everyday life bases, those blow me and time flies me feeling nothing, but when I actually do the homework, start the "body meditation" then I can finish it also now.
I get myself together.
and what has been happening lately to me is after my "body meditation" I get soooo hungry.
cant wait to come home and eat. I eat guilt free. I eat with joy.

I still have weird relationship with food.
I still eat 5-6 times a day, always eat breakfast at 6.30 - toast,jam,coffee. I struggle with these still, I never let myself eat big breakfast, I make toast pieces as small as possible.
At 9.30 I eat snack. The size of it depends on how much bulimia controls me. SOmetimes it lets me eat just one plain yogurt and sometimes it lets me take good care of myself, I cut carrots, cucumbers ,fruits, yogurt (I try make sure I have one vitamin meal a day and one milky meal a day)
then for lunch at 12.30 I again eat depends on the volume of the voice in my head, but I eat everything, whatever it is. I eat random food, sandwich,potatos, meat,like anything that I have at home. fat, sweet, "fattening" whatever. I eat. Then at 3.30 I eat again, I eat a fruit or milk, or chocolate or cereal... at 6 I eat something small again and at 8 I have my dinner. I always cook and I make sure dinner is enjoyable, I make it colourful but I don't think of how fattening it is. I eat pancakes for dinner, or a proper cooked meal.
I love dinners.
At 9.30 I sleep.
If I don't fall asleep until 11 I get hngry again and then I eat again.
With this schedule I lost about 15 or even more kilos.
So don't be afraid to give it a shot.

There is still a lot of fear when it comes to the food, but sometimes I love cooking and I spend sooooo much time around food, making sure it tastes well, it looks well, I love talking about food with my fiancée and I enjoy it.
yet another time I take I from my own mouth.
tho I learned the food doesn't fatten you....emotions do,
emotions that you eat along fatten you, if you eat what you want and when you want you aint gonna get big.

I don't like skinny girls and I don't like anyone that runs on daily bases or does pilates.

I do yoga again, that's a big news! and am good at it.
I love it because eyogamat is the only place where I get patient with myself.
I do it slow.

now the evening sun is out and I feel alright, so I will finsh writing now, I must make dinner as well..

Go to basics.

Go into your body.

body doesn't lie. your mind does!

peace out.

[Draft]

I keep struggling with not being present.
I am trying bloody hard to keep myself awake, it is just insane how powerful this current condition is.
I seem to be alive and present, but no, I don't hear anything, I don't see anything, I don't feel anything, I don't recognize places and I don't recognize people and myself.

Being in this condition, I am constantly fat and ugly.
I actually tried to take some shots of myself to post them onhere, but my phonos very bad.
I lost the contact with reality, I again don't know how do I look like.
I am hating my body!


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I don't know how I look like, I don't know how fat I am, or how ugly I am, but I am feeling very uncomfortable In my body lately. Not that I ever felt any good in my skin, but it seems like I am puffy and ugly. I find my face odd, and I find my belly big.
I feel unattractive and out of space. I feel like I am gaining weight and that everyone is skinny.

I feel lazy and I feel like I always eat so much. I am ovulating right now, so my apatite is a bit bigger, but I lost a track of how big my meals should be. In my head they are bigger than ever.

I am so afraid.
Afraid of food and myself.

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The Therapy

Every Tuesday at 6 o'clock I have my therapy.

Lately, I have struggled to attend the therapy. I didn't want to go.
My head was full of excuses.

it is because the therapy have become so hard for me.

it is painful.

All those heavy emotions coming out, fears, jealousy, anger, sadness, hate.
Those are my emotions. Always there, always painful.

I am working with my numbness at the moment.
Fuck that shit. it is scary.

I come there normal, I know where I am and why I am there. I recognize my doctor and I recognize the place.
I start talking.
I hear my voice, and as soon as I hear it, the voice in my head screams: "shuuuuuuuuuuuut up!!!!!!!!!!!!" I shut down instantly.
my body collapses and my face drops.
The sound disappears and so does the smell.
All the sensations are gone.
My body is gone.
I feel nothing.
I am stoned.
I don't care.
Anything could happen.
My fiancée could break up with me or die, I wouldn't care. my therapist could be shot in the head and I wouldn't care.
I don't care. I don't know who I am. my head is absolutely empty. the only sound I hear in my head is the sound of the voice telling me :"its good. fall asleep. its good. fall asleep. cmon. just close your eyes, and go."
I don't want to die. It doesn't tell me to die.
it just tells me to fall asleep.
it pushes me down more and moore, until I get completely small.
I sit hunched in the chair, with empty look, head leaning to the right, and with my hands lifeless in my lap.

Out of the numbness I start laughing out loud. like I am happy. genuinely happy. the laughter lasts few seconds, then I am back to the hunched position, small and numb.

then my therapists asks me :"where are you?"
and  then what happens it I slowly look up and look at her and with a tiny smile on my face I whisper:"i don't know. but its good."
very spooky, and very sick.
OR her voice comes through me and I freak out and I want to respond to her. but I am still nt allowed to move and talk. I whisper, trying to tell her how I am. but the voice in my had is yelling at me: "you bitch, you don't look up!! you are nobody! do you hear me???you are nobody! you have no right to look up!! you are ugly! you are nobody!"
I cry. but I don't look up.
then the therapist leads me through the break down. she asks me where do I feel it?
I tell her the location of the pain. usually it is in my stomach and in a back of my neck.
Once I get the location of my pain and attention to my body, it follows the biggest break down possible.
everything comes out. it is poring emotions. selfhate has been the major one lately.
it is terribly painful. the voices in my head get crazy, calling me names, ordering me to die, telling me I am lame and fucked up, screwed and useless, fat and ugly.

I feel sick and I could vomit. vomit from the pain in my stomach. the pain spreads every-fucking-where. I get million cramps all over my body, headache hits me hard and the muscles are contracting. I cry like theres no tomorrow, my neck is in pain from crying, I scratch my face and pinch my thighs and then the pain  is just  unbearable.

I stop.

I cant any more.
it is too much.

it takes me about 10-15 minutes to come back to reality. I start moving and looking around very slowly. I do recognize the place though, and my therapists face. My head fills up with everyday thoughts, so I know I am alive and in the present.
I slowly relax. but more I am relaxing, the more of an after shock hits me.

I start with my feet. I make sure I feel them. I move my toes. I feel  them. I move up to my calves. once I feel those, I connect them with my feet and move on to my knees. I do the same, I keep doing the same all the way up to the head. then I feel my body in that chair. I am there. I stretch my arms amd my neck.
I walk a bit around the room to feel the movement of my body as well.

then I sti back into chair and have a chat with my therapists. we talk about my condition.
she told me I am doing great, I am progressing well, and that I and my body will be free from all the old emotions one day. it is still a long way until that day, but it sounds promising.

she is a bit worried about my numbness, she says.
so I have to put more effort into monitoring my current states and moods, happening to me. and working on my emotions and going into my body more often and more regular.

sitting there in the chair, in pain, but present.
that doesn't happen often, just after going into my body and letting the emotions out through the body. then I feel this kind of the relief. I feel closer to my self.
I am alright.

I slowly put my coat on and say thank you.
I walk out, I barely stand on my feet, I move very slow and movements are still heavy. but I am present. that is the best gift I can give myself.

I slowly walk home. feeling free and feeling closer to myself, further from selfhate.
it is a promising feeling.

I smile.

I put the music very loud and dance a bit with my broken body.
then I lay down, and sleep.
night is good. I don't have night mares.

and Wednesdays are my favourite days of the week.


ps: Rehab sucks! but it is so promising! do it!

Facing fears

Fear is probably bulimia's middle name.

I fear everything!

I am afraid I am fat. I am afraid I am ugly, lame, worthless, useless, careless, bad, evil, dead.

I fear nobody likes me.

I live every single minute believing no-one likes me because I am not cool, I am not special, I am not alternative enough, because I am annoying.

To be really honest now with myself, I am very alternative. people say I am special and different. well, I am still annoying. but I am annoying because I care.

no! not true. I mean I do care. but I am annoying with messages and emails because I am insecure and I have zero self-esteem.

I fear everyone is better and cooler than me. I am just a lame, boring individual, not really worth anyone's time.

People can say nice things to me, I can see how awesome people I have for my friends, but I always hook myself to the one that is not sure about me or even worst, really doesn't like me.
its all based on bad vibes I am getting from that person. the vibes are real. I trust them.
but instead of not caring and moving on, I sabotage myself.
I sti down in a corner and over-think. I potentiate the problem in my head about 100 times and torture myself. Once in that self-hate mode, nothing, NOTHING comes through me!
My fiancée can love me more than ever, my friends can tell me the nicest things, my kid in Africa can call me mama hundred times, my kids at school can call me the best teacher ever ... but nothing comes through.
It is just me and selfhate.

it first makes me be numb.
I feel nothing.
My mind shuts down, it gets quiet. my mind is empty. I don't have any thoughts in my head. none. my body slowly fades away, along with my mind. I don't feel my body. my entire body is gone. my head drops to the right and I get an empty look. I am gone.






I am gone for quite some time.
then I first feel some pressure in my stomach. it starts small. but soon it gets bigger and stronger. it travels up to my chests. my heart gets crazy and my hands starts sweating.

then I know it is coming soon....a panic attack!
I hate those.

I sit down and I try awake my body. I try to move my feet, but I cant. nor my arms or head. I am blocked. but the heart is pounding and I am felling more and more sick.

at one point, I burst into tears and I break down. I scream and cry. The pain is endless. I properly scream and sweat. it seems like it will never end.
all the fears come out!

they are so real and so painful.
I am so afraid of my own self. of what is coming out.
the worst fears are there and I need to face them. I don't want to face them. but there they are. taking control over everything.

it is my reality for that moment. it hurts.

I am so lonely. it seems so endless.
my head got crazy again. billion thoughts popping out at the same time. it is awful. it is so sick.

my biggest fear is I am not worth anything. that people don't like me. that people hate me bacsue I texted them twice, which makes me annoying. my biggest fear is people are just afraid to tell me in my face they don't want me in their lives. they would if they could.
I fear i am no-body!

it hurts. it hurts until the end.
its controlling me, I am not allowed to turn my head or look up! it is punishing me. it is torturing me. i am not allowed to talk. i have to be quiet and whisper.
i am its victim. bulimia's victim. its hostage.
it doesn't let me go until the end. until i almost give up and i die.

then it lets me go. it releases all the force. all in once. oh my, that hits my body again, its painful. i feel my body and i try to catch some air. it hurts even more. sitting up straight is painful too. moving my legs slowly, because it hurts too much.
i move my head left and right and now i recognize the place. i know where i am. i understand the time. i know what happened.

i survived.
but i am in such pain i just want to lay down and sleep.

I am beaten. I bruise. I feel the weight of my entire body. it is so so so heavy. not 'fat' heavy, but really heavy. its like am stoned or drunk.


Last week I dreamed three times the same dream.
It was about a lady I work with. Her and I have funny relationship. we look like we are getting along very well and like we are real friends, but it turned out we are not.
it is hard for me to accept it so i let her twist me around any time. not that she does anything on purpose, it is just that she would do things that hurt me and i buy it. it ruins my mood, my day and my nights.
She would never say anything, but it is obvious that we aren't as good friends as I thought. and those hurt me the most... when i think i have a special friendship with a person, and it turns out i am mistaken. i hade few this kind, and it is hard to get over them.
So, in my dreams she always yelled at me and called me names. she was yelling at me I am no-body and not worth her friendship. it was happening every night for three nights, then the forth one i
texted her to check on her. it was pretty friendly message, but i did mention i had dreams about her and the dreams were not pleasant. then after two days she txted me back saying she doesn't get me. we are not that good friends and we don't know each other that well to have dreams like that! what the fuck, of course you know what i am talking about. you know those are my fears. for Christ sake. don't play dumb.

so people like this mess me up completely!
then i don't know what to do and i don't know how to feel and what to be. so i freak out and my bulimia takes advantage of if and drives me nuts.

and instead of saying "screw that" and protect myself for the next time, i have high chances to be all sweet and soft next time she will speak to me...and let her have the access to my at any time.

and all because i think she is cooler that me. what makes her the coolest is that she is loosing weight all the time, shes very skinny now. and she has a baby. so in my world she is stronger than me. so i take the small position and make her big.
but the truth is, she isn't that big. it is all in my head.
she cant be bigger than me if she has no empathy.
her own brother is alcoholic and she doenst understand him, how she will understand me. but she is a social worker, but very narrow minded.

i am tired of over thinking of all this crap.

but it hurts me, it doesn't hurt anyone else.

Just for one day, I want to be free. Free from selfhate!

I don't really understand my situation.
I am filled with some unknown emotion.
I am stuck at my parents place.
I am so broken. The worst part is that this place sucked all the energy out of me and I cant go back home. it seems so impossible. it seems like its nt a good idea.
my entire body is filled with this stupid emotion that is keeping me up here.
I planed on going back home yesterday, then rescheduled it on today, now we are suppose to g bck home tomorrow.

I wrapped myself into my own bubble, I don't hear and I don't see.
but so much is coming through anyway.

I hate all that commenting. My mom comment each and every move she makes.
she is asking some ridiculous questions such as: "don't you think your fiancée is going to be cold outside?" what the fuck is that about???
my fiancée is 29 and I have all my faith in him that he is responsible for his own warmth and comfort.

more comments like: "so, now I am going to cook." .............. "now I will leave this to cook." ........... "can you clean up the house after your breakfast?" "are you studying?" [while I study]   "are you hungry?"
and on and on and on.......yes, she is a mother. most mothers do that. but shut the fuck up and do stuff with less talking. I don't really care!!!!!!!!!!!!

so insecure.
she does this because she needed to explain herself always, to my dad.
I am the same sometimes, letting my fiancée know what am I doing ---- while doing it!
it annoys me when I do it also.
but when she does it she just reminds me how toxic relationship she has with my dad and she does the same to me.

today my dad left to seaside,  so I thought it will be a bit more relaxed in the house. but it isn't.
my dad is usually the one causing all the stress and making us mental.
with him in the house I don't relax. I just stay alert for him if he needs me or if he wants me to do something. I start cleaning up as soon as I see him.
its so sick.
but he left and he took my naughty grandma back to her home...but my brothers girlfriend is very toxic as well especially when shes not in a good mood. she can be very bitchy and I always buy it. always. because her attitude is a combination of my mother and my father's attitude. I cant just ignore her. she makes me very nervous, I could slap her in her face sometimes when she behaves like shes diva. but I have no chance, because all family turns against me when I say something against her.
waaaah her voice!!! god help her.

my body is so shut down but yet so sensitive. one louder noise makes me jump up and it frightens me. every little noise of the door or a voice of a person makes me maaaaaaaaad!!!!!

hearing my name nine thousand times a day just drives me mad!


I have zero tolerance to my family.
but I am discovering something else....
if theres anyone....any one... says anthing bad about my family, I get protective.
even my brother is not allowed to say anything against my mom and dad.
I deeply love them.
I cry because I miss them. I suffer because I want to have good relationship with them.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I wrote this, then I suddenly felt guilty for thinking and feeling this way.
I had shower and it didn't help.
I want to be soft, nice, warm and pleasant with my self.... but instead, I am hurting myself with all this selfhate!
my soul is aching. my soul needs some love.

am I really this ugly and this lame? worthless and fat?

people say I am not.
people say I am good, interesting, unique. good looking. fair. honest. bubbly with a good style.
special. nice. la la la ... bla bla bla.....
my mind is set differently.

just for one day, I want to be free.

free from selfhate!

it is eating me alive.

it is making my life be blurry.

theres no point and no feelings, no emotions. just disgust. I don't like myself.

I have kid in Africa, he is calling me "mama". can you imagine, I am someone's mother. Someone believes in me. I am someone's hero.
I speak to him everyday this winter break. He askes me to call him everyday. I love it. I enjoy it! I love my kid more thank anything!!!! but then, my mind makes me think I am pushy. maybe I manipulated with him and if he knew how lame I am, he wouldn't love me.
but that's not true.
Theres my friend staying with the boys in Uganda, and I think she thinks I am lame and weird.

that's not true.
but that's how I live my everydays.

at school where I work I raised 1100 eur for the boys in Africa .. but I think they will not love me for that. it aint good.

it makes me stop and think: why do I do it? to get good feeling from the boys and feel loved or because I love them?

I know I started in a first place because I love them....but it ended up seeking some attention.
I am tired of it.
I need good sleep and reconnect with myself, then I will know. but here at my parents place I am afraid I turn into the worst version of me.

I don't like me (like this).

dear universe. give me strength to go back home tomorrow and find my path, my reason and my purpose.

Thank you, God, for my boy and my finacee.
I love them the most, they are my reasons to be better person.

who am I?

I hate hating myself!

I might not even be that bad.

maybe I am the way my son sees me and the way my partner sees me... the way my best friends see me...?

maybe.

chrisfuckingmas

with bulimia and screwed up family everyday is the worst day, but theres that magic time twice a year when worst get even more worst, and those are two holidays: Christmas and ester.
now I am dealing with Christmas.

I hate Christmas!

This is the time when the family gets together and we all have days off, which means more unlimited time to fight and hate eachother.

So much tension, so much bad mood, so much nasty words....

and all is happening around food.
that's the only thing that matters in our family....food.
no spirit, no kindness, no politeness, no warmth, no love...
coldness.

eat food and go back to your nest.
less we see eachother more chance there is to not fight.

This years mood killer is my mother.
long face, no patience, pushy all the time, scheduled to the minute for dinner/lunch/breakfast/lunch/dinner/ ... she hates my dad my dad hates her.

she sucks me in with her mood, I cant help myself, I cant ignore it, I never know how to ignore it. she is so bitter and so grumpy.

then theres my grandma, she loves me though, but my mom hates her and so does my dad. I don't know why they even bother bringing her over.
she is an old heavy smoker, so she coughs all the time so much it makes you sick. yucky.
that pisses my mom off and it makes my dad say nasty words to her, like the most primitive person on planet earth. no respect, no love, no politeness.

my brother keeps away with his girlfriend, which I don't blame him for, but I find it unfair that he has all the freedom I have never had.

my dogs cute though, and my fiancée is just so nice to me. I am happy to have him with me this Christmas, he keeps me sane.

the rest of the family is driving me insane.
soooooooo many unneeded stupid comments, so many even stupider questions, such like :" what are you doing?" I hate thisone the most!!!
"where are your slippers?" "why are you serious?" "are you hungry?" "where are you going?" "when are you coming?" on and on and on........................................................................................................
just leave me bloody alone!

the problem is I don't know how to protect myself.
I simply don't. I don't just go out or call a friend and go for a coffee... I have been trained to stick around at all times.

my brothers gone most of the day, but here I am.
absorbing all the shit going on in here.

the most it hurts the hate between my mom and dad.
and the primitive behaving!

that one hurts!

its blurry around me.
I shut down. I down wanna hear. I don't wanna see. I don't wanna speak. I don't wanna smell!

I don't exist!

I am gone!

  I cant listen. I cant take one more comment. one more word. I don't care what you are going to do next. jst do it. don't stress about! just bloody do it. Don't complain. don't comment. be nice. be kind. love. respect. BE WARM!!

You are sucking all of life out of me.. so fast.
hasn't been 24 hours sonce I ve been here, and I am all lost and empty.
I don't exist anymore.

this is not me.

the volume is turned down.

my grandma is the most disgusting person you can meet with the cough of hers.
it is one thing that still comes through the shield of mine.
it shakes me.
it just shook me now.

the rest I don't hear.

I hate every day I am here. they are so lost. they are so broken.
it hurts my soul how broken they are and I know they will die before it crosses their minds to do something about it....like get divorced, change your habits, try something new..



 so broken.

Evil Mirror

Standing infront of the mirror. Always. Everyday. Same spot. Same thing. Same pain. Every day! The evil mirror. I cant take it off the wall, its stuck up there. It hurts me. I don't recognize the image I see in there. the thighs are huge. The face is blurry. Hips are wide. Arms are fat. Skin is yellow. Tired. Eyes unrecognizable. Belly big. Neck short. Hair messy. I covered the mirror with my scarf so I wouldn't see myself. I didn't exist those days. Size of cloths  36. weight unknown, but about 50 kg the most. Feeling: size 44-46, weight 80. Unbeautiful. Evil mirror makes me hate myself. I am so unbeautiful. I see things that aren't there. I see myself fat and ugly. lame and retarded. uncool and boring. not worthy and useless. I go to the therapy every Tuesday. I bring it out. I deal with it. I break down. it hurts like hell. I cry. I go home and fight. I feel alright for a little while. But then I bump into a skinny mother pushing the baby trolley and I wonder how can she be that skinny with few months old child and I am so big with no children. I recognize it is an illusion. but I hate her anyway. then I walk slow. ground myself. move my feet and feel my legs. try and recognize my breath, try to recognize the place. try to recognize who I am. I get myself back and I see a lady with a style. I hate her immediately and I hate myself for being no creative and punish myself for not coming up with such cool ideas how to dress up. I feel lame. then I watch people walk, talk on phones, fight, laugh, drink coffee, wear theirselves high ... and everything slowly gets quite. my heart beat slows down, my moves are almost blurry, my mind is shutting down... smell disappears. sound disappears. my face drops. I am gone. I don't feel. I look around and I don't know where I am. I get lost. I don't remember what brought me there. I don't remember what was I suppose to do and where was I suppose to be. I don't remember who I am. I don't know. I don't feel anything. I don't feel mybody. its spooking me up! Then something wakes me up. or doesn't. depends on a day. sometimes I drift away for few hours, sometimes I recognize my condition after few minutes and I try bring myself back. I know the technique now. Then it frees me.
I feel. I love. I sing. I dance. I hope. I dream. I eat. I laugh. until the moment when I see myself in the evil mirror.. the mirror that reminds me that all the good feelings are just illusion. I am fat and ugly and lame and boring and useless and worthy. I don't eat. I cry. I hate. I scream. I ache. I let it out. I let it go. The I feel the pain. The pain reminds me of my body. I do the technique and bring myself back to the room. I rest. I am free-er than before. I smell again. I hear again. It makes more sense. I am me. I have bulimia. That is alright. It takes time to recover. I am gentle to myself. I make myself cup of tea. I take hot shower and treat my skin well. I brush my hair and my eyes spark. I see hope. I have faith. I sleep well. it is warm. I eat good. I smell coffee. I dress happy. I see the day. I see the sun. I feel the morning. I sing. I bounce. I give. I am alright. then is see the skinny lady. I close. My eyes change. I shiver. My heart beat speeds up. I stare at her thighs, I hear the voice telling me I am fat. I am angry. I hate. I realize I am at work. so I shut myself. put the smile on my face. I don't feel. I find a corner and do the technique. I bring my body back to earth. but I cant eat. I am lost. I play. I act. I go to the therapy. I am scared. I feel nothing. Then I break down. I let myself feel. I feel. I yell. I cry. I let it go. I recover. I shine. then I see the evil mirror again. And I wanna run away from myself. I don't wanna be me.
The battle continues.
I am here, and yet I am lost. I eat, and yet I starve. I laugh, and yet I suffer. I shine, and yet I cry. I love, and yet I hate.

That is the stage I am at at the moment.
Aint shinny, aint dark. and all of it I see.