aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!
aaaaaaaaa!
aaaaaaaaaaa!!!
men se bo zmesal..
jem,s tejem kalorije, merim koscke, tehtam mascobo, pijem odvajalen sok, delam klistir......delam klistir....se opominjam, da je bulimija fizicno nazaj, koncam s klistirjem, s skarjami ga razrezem na majhne koscke, rezem z jezo "ne bos mi vec uniceval zivljenja!!" je misel, s katero rezem plastiko.
Zavijam se v debele jopice, hodim okrog z napol odprtimi ocmi, nevem kako zgledam, ampak pocutim se, da zgledam grdo in debelo. Nazaj je.
Zivcna sem ko pr norcih, cokolado bi, cigaret bi, svez zrak bi...res ne vem kaj hocem, nekaj, karkoli, da ozivi to zaspano bitje. hocem cutit neka, otopela sem. Moj mind se je spet zozou na minimum.
14 dni sm v sloveniji in 14 pr svojih, bolnica! kdaj bom nasla stanovanje? ko bi le nekdo prsou pa reku "hej ti, izvoli stanovanje v siski, soba, spalnica, kuhinja, kopalnica! brez najemnine samo stroske placuj!" wwwaaa hallo, tuki sm!!! anyone!! :s
am shut down so freaking shut down. I feel a bit like Im missing my boyfriend but i dont let myself miss him for real!!!! I dont let myself do annnnnnnything regarding to feeling. fuck you and all is stuck within me, again. now i know this is not good!! not-good! i think am only one bad energy bomb away from going DOWN!!!
I dont hear life, I dont see life. its so weird!! I wanna be excited! i cant be over here. aaaaarr will i be once i get my own apartment back? will i let myself keep up with a rehab? My doctor says I will, coz I haven't lost anything, is just that I put it on a stand by for a while, since time at home is like a suicide. indeed it is. but i see myslef drowning slowly....
I will try and save my ass, I will. I really like life when am happy with myself, with my life, when I feel, when I am proud of being a girlfriend, being a friend, being a teacher.... gosh i want it back!!
I gotta go away!!!
(nadaljujem cez dva dni)
ze cel teden delam klistir in pijem odvajalni sok....seveda z mano ni nic narobe. ne ne!!
Vceraj sme pojedla en krof in sem znorela...pocakala sem,d a sem bila sama doma in sems la na stranisce in anredila klistir. Glas v glavi mi pravi: "sprazni ta zelodec, sprazni ta debel trebuh...." prepoznam glas in se zdramim. Pogledam se v ogledalo in s ev tistem trenutku odlocim, da je cas, da se znebim vseh rekvizitev, saj mi je jasno, da bulemicnega zivljenja nocem vec... besno iscem skarje in razrezem klistir na majhne koscke. Jezna sem, ko to pocnem, in pravim mu: "Ti mi unicujes zivljenje, ne bos mi ga vec!" zlomim se, zacnem se trest od zivcnosti in jokam ko dez, se sama ne vem zakaj.....grem v sobo in se pokrijem cez glavo z odejo. Pod odejo se jokam, pritozujem, smilim sama sebi, kricim....to je moja nova fora, ki sem se jo naucila na novi zelandiji, namesto bruhanja lol
v tistem toplem, varnem zavetju zaspim, in prespim cel dan. Zbudi me le klic fanta, katerega z veseljem sprejmem. povem mu, kako sem se borila in kako sem zmagala, vesela sem, lepo se imava....cez kako uro in pol koncava s pogovorom, le zobe si umijem in grem naprej spat. spim do dveh zjutraj, ko me zbudi grozno glasen, panicen in nadlezen glas: "zbudi se, zbudi se, preveri ce si debela. preveri ce si se zredila. sigurno si se zredila, ker nisi dokoncala klistirja. talking about it, zakaj za vraga si ga vrgla stran. kaj bos pa sedaj?? si nora, sedaj ti ostane le se zajfa in kozlanje!! zbudi se!!" res se zbudim in pregledujem trebuh in obseg nog. seveda je vse nekoliko vecje, saj sem pojedla en krof in nisem dokoncala driskanja, verjetno sem se zredila. grem v kopalnico, se gledam v ogledalu, dvigujem majico in bedak me preganja, naj spraznim zelodec in crevo, da se mi bo do jutra vse lepo prebavilo in bo krana imela prostor, kamor se bo kamperala... slabomi je,res mi je grozno slabo in z lahkoto bi bruhala. pogledam skoljko, pogledam zaspano podobo v ogledalu in nejevoljno pripomnim: "ma dej mi utrujat sred noci idiot!" se obrnem, pogasnem luci in zaspim nazaj.
Ko se zjutraj zbudim, nisem nic kaj bolj debela. vsak dan se zdi, da se zbudim z gramom manj, oblacim tisto serijo majhnih stevilk, ki so zdaj kar nekaj casa pocivale nekje zadaj, v omari. to prinese le dvakrat tri sekunde zatovoljstva: prvic- ko zapnem "tamale hlace" in drugic- ko opazim, da mi speh ne visi cez pas, po tem, ko sem zapela tamale hlace. pika. veselje izgine in kile nimajo veze z nicemer vec.
no, ko se zbudim, je prva stvar, da grem v kopalnico v kos za smeti pogledat, ce sem res vrgla stran klistir. ne morem verjet. sem bila prepricana, da se od tega modro belega pripomocka ne bom nikoli locila. seveda mi je zal. pri vsej dobri volji in volji, mi je zal, da sem vrgla stran svoje orozje. pomirim se z mislijo, da ga lahko kadarkoli kupim v lekarni za 10€, misel za protiutez pa me spomni, kaksno bolecino mi prinese za modro bela naprava.
ko je cas za zajtrk, si odrezem majhen kos kruha, za malico se manjsi ko in jogurt, za kosilo solato in krof, za vecerjo tri prepecence, 1 krof in caj. zase sem pojedla ogromno, spat bom sla brez praznjenja, saj sem brez klistirja, brez tablet in brez odvajalnega soka...........imam bruhanje. ja, na to sem pomisla vsakic, ko sem se odlocla za se en ugriz v krof. bom pa bruhala itak sem bedna, niti za pusta se ne morem kontrolirat in ne jest krofou. kaj se pa grem. nisem resna.
mah, po drugis trani pa si recem "jebe se mi. kul sm" veckrat se zalotim, kako se postavim sama zase! hip hip hura.
v sluzbi sem se imela zelo lepo, na kavi s prijateljico sem se imela zelo lepo, doma se nimam tako lepo ... glava mi zacne delat po svoje, ugasnem, utihnem,...tesko mi je imet vecerjo, ker se mi zdi da jem samo zato, da nekaj pocnem. vedno, ko je cas za vecerjo, mi zelodec zablokira.
makes me feel very very nervous being here. everytime they ask me a question, I could freak out, everytime they give a comment, my blood pressure rises up... am having afamily allergy i suppose.
The totally ignore my disease, but i fight with my self every single minute, I swear to God, every single minute. Today, I didn't feel like eating lunch with them since I ate only two hours before and my mom just couldnt stop annoying me: "come sit down and eat some soup. cmon, you didnt eat much before. cmon soup is good for you. cmon eat eat eat!!" faaaaaaaaaaak!! no, i said i will not. than my dad added : "or at least come here and sit down with us!" yeah right, tahts a great idea me bulimic sitting down and watching you people eat....?"??" nooo thank you!! I did this for whole my life!!!
I tried not to bother but so did my mother. she came with the plate to the living room and put it inftont of my nose and said: "here, try" i was only ablo to tell back "I told you once, dont force me eat!!!" she said: "I am not forcing you, I just want you to eat" I had blackout and i realized, they will never feel me, because they dont want to. They dont need sick daughter it is easier to ignore it. well, not to complain, tho im here to complain....but by my opinion is like this: if you dont feel like helping me, then stay out of my fucking business. period!!! O-U-T!!
Dont make my life harder. damn.
anyways am in my room again with stomach full, feeling very blinded, confused and fogged! I am feeling very bulemic now, feeling like I am not ready to give up on bulimia.
I am missing my klistir, I am missing my pills and my diuretic juice. I am very afraid puking is next, since I am out of my other options. But hey, NO!! I refuse throwing up!! In the name of life, I will not throw up!!
who for?? Who throws up for me??
I ll rather work on feeling. Im soo feelingless :s
I feel like shouting...like saying out to my family everything I have to say....i kknow i already had for couple of times, but no-one heard me up, so there wont be any change.
Im feeling abd and fat at the moment.
I feel liek am dead.
im really confused. Am I alive??
Why I am so angry?
I am back to anger... so angry with some people!! aaaaaaarrrr!!!
And still strugling with jealousy fuck it not fun at all.
some jurked people soooo damned annoy me!! Is this waking up??
well, as they say: "If you wanna change the world, change your self!"
aaaaaaaaa!
aaaaaaaaaaa!!!
men se bo zmesal..
jem,s tejem kalorije, merim koscke, tehtam mascobo, pijem odvajalen sok, delam klistir......delam klistir....se opominjam, da je bulimija fizicno nazaj, koncam s klistirjem, s skarjami ga razrezem na majhne koscke, rezem z jezo "ne bos mi vec uniceval zivljenja!!" je misel, s katero rezem plastiko.
Zavijam se v debele jopice, hodim okrog z napol odprtimi ocmi, nevem kako zgledam, ampak pocutim se, da zgledam grdo in debelo. Nazaj je.
Zivcna sem ko pr norcih, cokolado bi, cigaret bi, svez zrak bi...res ne vem kaj hocem, nekaj, karkoli, da ozivi to zaspano bitje. hocem cutit neka, otopela sem. Moj mind se je spet zozou na minimum.
14 dni sm v sloveniji in 14 pr svojih, bolnica! kdaj bom nasla stanovanje? ko bi le nekdo prsou pa reku "hej ti, izvoli stanovanje v siski, soba, spalnica, kuhinja, kopalnica! brez najemnine samo stroske placuj!" wwwaaa hallo, tuki sm!!! anyone!! :s
am shut down so freaking shut down. I feel a bit like Im missing my boyfriend but i dont let myself miss him for real!!!! I dont let myself do annnnnnnything regarding to feeling. fuck you and all is stuck within me, again. now i know this is not good!! not-good! i think am only one bad energy bomb away from going DOWN!!!
I dont hear life, I dont see life. its so weird!! I wanna be excited! i cant be over here. aaaaarr will i be once i get my own apartment back? will i let myself keep up with a rehab? My doctor says I will, coz I haven't lost anything, is just that I put it on a stand by for a while, since time at home is like a suicide. indeed it is. but i see myslef drowning slowly....
I will try and save my ass, I will. I really like life when am happy with myself, with my life, when I feel, when I am proud of being a girlfriend, being a friend, being a teacher.... gosh i want it back!!
I gotta go away!!!
(nadaljujem cez dva dni)
ze cel teden delam klistir in pijem odvajalni sok....seveda z mano ni nic narobe. ne ne!!
Vceraj sme pojedla en krof in sem znorela...pocakala sem,d a sem bila sama doma in sems la na stranisce in anredila klistir. Glas v glavi mi pravi: "sprazni ta zelodec, sprazni ta debel trebuh...." prepoznam glas in se zdramim. Pogledam se v ogledalo in s ev tistem trenutku odlocim, da je cas, da se znebim vseh rekvizitev, saj mi je jasno, da bulemicnega zivljenja nocem vec... besno iscem skarje in razrezem klistir na majhne koscke. Jezna sem, ko to pocnem, in pravim mu: "Ti mi unicujes zivljenje, ne bos mi ga vec!" zlomim se, zacnem se trest od zivcnosti in jokam ko dez, se sama ne vem zakaj.....grem v sobo in se pokrijem cez glavo z odejo. Pod odejo se jokam, pritozujem, smilim sama sebi, kricim....to je moja nova fora, ki sem se jo naucila na novi zelandiji, namesto bruhanja lol
v tistem toplem, varnem zavetju zaspim, in prespim cel dan. Zbudi me le klic fanta, katerega z veseljem sprejmem. povem mu, kako sem se borila in kako sem zmagala, vesela sem, lepo se imava....cez kako uro in pol koncava s pogovorom, le zobe si umijem in grem naprej spat. spim do dveh zjutraj, ko me zbudi grozno glasen, panicen in nadlezen glas: "zbudi se, zbudi se, preveri ce si debela. preveri ce si se zredila. sigurno si se zredila, ker nisi dokoncala klistirja. talking about it, zakaj za vraga si ga vrgla stran. kaj bos pa sedaj?? si nora, sedaj ti ostane le se zajfa in kozlanje!! zbudi se!!" res se zbudim in pregledujem trebuh in obseg nog. seveda je vse nekoliko vecje, saj sem pojedla en krof in nisem dokoncala driskanja, verjetno sem se zredila. grem v kopalnico, se gledam v ogledalu, dvigujem majico in bedak me preganja, naj spraznim zelodec in crevo, da se mi bo do jutra vse lepo prebavilo in bo krana imela prostor, kamor se bo kamperala... slabomi je,res mi je grozno slabo in z lahkoto bi bruhala. pogledam skoljko, pogledam zaspano podobo v ogledalu in nejevoljno pripomnim: "ma dej mi utrujat sred noci idiot!" se obrnem, pogasnem luci in zaspim nazaj.
Ko se zjutraj zbudim, nisem nic kaj bolj debela. vsak dan se zdi, da se zbudim z gramom manj, oblacim tisto serijo majhnih stevilk, ki so zdaj kar nekaj casa pocivale nekje zadaj, v omari. to prinese le dvakrat tri sekunde zatovoljstva: prvic- ko zapnem "tamale hlace" in drugic- ko opazim, da mi speh ne visi cez pas, po tem, ko sem zapela tamale hlace. pika. veselje izgine in kile nimajo veze z nicemer vec.
no, ko se zbudim, je prva stvar, da grem v kopalnico v kos za smeti pogledat, ce sem res vrgla stran klistir. ne morem verjet. sem bila prepricana, da se od tega modro belega pripomocka ne bom nikoli locila. seveda mi je zal. pri vsej dobri volji in volji, mi je zal, da sem vrgla stran svoje orozje. pomirim se z mislijo, da ga lahko kadarkoli kupim v lekarni za 10€, misel za protiutez pa me spomni, kaksno bolecino mi prinese za modro bela naprava.
ko je cas za zajtrk, si odrezem majhen kos kruha, za malico se manjsi ko in jogurt, za kosilo solato in krof, za vecerjo tri prepecence, 1 krof in caj. zase sem pojedla ogromno, spat bom sla brez praznjenja, saj sem brez klistirja, brez tablet in brez odvajalnega soka...........imam bruhanje. ja, na to sem pomisla vsakic, ko sem se odlocla za se en ugriz v krof. bom pa bruhala itak sem bedna, niti za pusta se ne morem kontrolirat in ne jest krofou. kaj se pa grem. nisem resna.
mah, po drugis trani pa si recem "jebe se mi. kul sm" veckrat se zalotim, kako se postavim sama zase! hip hip hura.
v sluzbi sem se imela zelo lepo, na kavi s prijateljico sem se imela zelo lepo, doma se nimam tako lepo ... glava mi zacne delat po svoje, ugasnem, utihnem,...tesko mi je imet vecerjo, ker se mi zdi da jem samo zato, da nekaj pocnem. vedno, ko je cas za vecerjo, mi zelodec zablokira.
makes me feel very very nervous being here. everytime they ask me a question, I could freak out, everytime they give a comment, my blood pressure rises up... am having afamily allergy i suppose.
The totally ignore my disease, but i fight with my self every single minute, I swear to God, every single minute. Today, I didn't feel like eating lunch with them since I ate only two hours before and my mom just couldnt stop annoying me: "come sit down and eat some soup. cmon, you didnt eat much before. cmon soup is good for you. cmon eat eat eat!!" faaaaaaaaaaak!! no, i said i will not. than my dad added : "or at least come here and sit down with us!" yeah right, tahts a great idea me bulimic sitting down and watching you people eat....?"??" nooo thank you!! I did this for whole my life!!!
I tried not to bother but so did my mother. she came with the plate to the living room and put it inftont of my nose and said: "here, try" i was only ablo to tell back "I told you once, dont force me eat!!!" she said: "I am not forcing you, I just want you to eat" I had blackout and i realized, they will never feel me, because they dont want to. They dont need sick daughter it is easier to ignore it. well, not to complain, tho im here to complain....but by my opinion is like this: if you dont feel like helping me, then stay out of my fucking business. period!!! O-U-T!!
Dont make my life harder. damn.
anyways am in my room again with stomach full, feeling very blinded, confused and fogged! I am feeling very bulemic now, feeling like I am not ready to give up on bulimia.
I am missing my klistir, I am missing my pills and my diuretic juice. I am very afraid puking is next, since I am out of my other options. But hey, NO!! I refuse throwing up!! In the name of life, I will not throw up!!
who for?? Who throws up for me??
I ll rather work on feeling. Im soo feelingless :s
I feel like shouting...like saying out to my family everything I have to say....i kknow i already had for couple of times, but no-one heard me up, so there wont be any change.
Im feeling abd and fat at the moment.
I feel liek am dead.
im really confused. Am I alive??
Why I am so angry?
I am back to anger... so angry with some people!! aaaaaaarrrr!!!
And still strugling with jealousy fuck it not fun at all.
some jurked people soooo damned annoy me!! Is this waking up??
well, as they say: "If you wanna change the world, change your self!"
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