I have always paid so much attention on whining, because bulima is very hard,but there must be something more in life than just bulimia.
These days, she is with me every second. She goes with me to the toilet, she calls me ugly, she goes with me for a walk, she tells me its so embarrassing for her to walk in public with me, she goes with me to the kitchen, she counts my bites every time I make a bite, she goes with me to have a shower, she calls me fat, she goes with me to bed, she calls me awful and not worth it to wake up, she joins me on a skype with my boyfriend and she tells me I don't deserve him because I am ugly...... and so on- She is with me every breath I take. It is very uncomfortable and very frighting ... She can bring me down any fucking time.... I know.
But these days, it is just next to me, annoying me all the time, but it is not having control over me. I am still holding in clean.
I am able to make her stay in the corner, when my father makes me feel awful about myself. I tell her "You bitch stay where you are, you are not bringing me down because of him. I have to face it and I have everything under control!" Also when I am angry, I can do the same. I can tell her "Stay where you are, I am just angry and you are not bringing me down!"
Results of my rehab, I suppose!!
Since august I have been working on my anger and on my family. Two down, billion to go.
But instead of whining how much work I still have to do and how slowly rehab goes, I am able focus more on how much better I am when it comes to the anger and my family. well, Is not that I am feeling proud or good, I dont FEEL anything, but I know it is good!
Last day, I opened the balcony because I wanted to take some food outside to cool down, outside was -15 and I believed that will be the fastest way.
I really opened the balcony door for only couple of seconds and my father completely freaked out. He was shouting "Why on the earth did you open the door, you really are dumb person, dont you see I am heating the house up, you dont respect it and who do you think you are you can do whatever you wanna do in my house, I will make you pay and you will see the hell....bla bla bla" really never ending story....and I told him back: "What exactly is your reason to freak out like this?you KNOW!! the cold didnt come even close in this short time but you are losing your mind only because I did it, which has nothing to do with the reality so give a break!" I turned and made myself as calm as possible. I didnt feel bad! He has been torturing me for whole my life with his sick freak outs but I always believed him he has a reason..... there were people in my life before telling me he is WRONG but I never believed, now at the rehab, my doctor is trying very hard to open my eyes and make me see I am a victim of an emotional abuse .... Slowly I am getting there when I tell myself : "NO MORE THROWING UP BECAUSE OF THEM!!!" I have my word!
And I really try kick my ass everytime I am keen to whine!! I am my own coach now, my own therapist and my friend. I only have me! There are people who love me, I know that, but Its all up to me.... I am the one who puke or the one who decides not to. Last two weeks, since I am back in slovenia, I am very empty, slow and calm...no life within me....but somehow I make it...i dont know what exactly I am doing but I blame help of God/Universe! Maybe I do deserve help!!! Maybe I do deserve to get well! Maybe I do deserve peaceful life! Maybe I do!!
Everytime my boyfriend or anyone else does something nice to me, I break down and cry, I am not used to it to get any emotional support!! But maybe I DO DESERVE IT!!!
Maybe I am not here on the Earth to suffer all time long, maybe I am here to suffer, learn, grow and live. Live and teach!! Maybe my purpose here on the Earth is not only to take a pain, but also to take a love, respect and warmth. We all are! We all deserve it, of that I am sure now. WE ALL DESERVE IT!!!
Once, I met an old friend. I met her after years of not seeing her at all. When I saw her, she was powerful, focused and beautiful!! So beautiful. Strong. Word gave word and she told me about her suffers. Then she said: "I practiced every single day infront of the mirror the speech 'I am beautiful' .. for years. Than one day, after all struggles, I told myself: "I have 10 rules. Rule no1: I am a queen! Rule no2: Treat me as a queen and other 8 rules are perfect combo of these two.!" when I heard her saying that I was emberesd to know someone so inlove with hisself I wanted to forget about her mantra... but I didnt even make it back home, it already caught up with me. Her words were stuck in my head and I kept repeating them... very soon I felt magic work. was amazing feeling!! abra cadabra and I dont hate myself! wow!!! amazing amazin amazing!!!
But unfortunately my bulimia/weakness grew and grew even each day so sound of the magic became quieter, until it didnt comletely shut down. "You queen??? buahahahhaha!! go binge until it hurts, puke until you bleed, NOW!! Isaid now!!" was laughing and shouting at me!
and not long from now I thought of those words again... magic is still there! :)
Maybe I am a queen? Maybe YOU are a queen?! Have you ever thought that way around??
I never have until now. Now I tell myself... If I was able to make myself believe that I am not even worth to die than I am able to make myself believe anything...what if those people, who love me, have right?? what if I am really good person? What if I am really funny person, with sense of humor and with a big heart? what if I am really charismatic woman and very clever, I am very good teacher and I am able to write....what if they are right and I am not such an ass???
What if ...
....That changes the whole reality!!
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