My day started with tears.
spoke to my boyfriend and really wasnt in the mood... as usually, he knows how to ask the question to get the answer and so was today. He told me he noticed am getting weaker these days and I told him: "Of course Im getting weaker, Im stuck with my family in my head again, they are totally having me under control. I feel caught. They are running my life again. They are making me feel guilty most of the time just with my existing. They make me feel fake. I am fake with them. I need to smile all the time so they leave me alone, if I ever come infront of them with my long face, they judge me, my father doesnt talk to me at all and just gives stupid comments such as "ok comn, give a break." and my mom simply doeasnt understand why Im in a bad mood if I eat normal now. They never understand my bad mood, they always tell me I have everything and I souldnt be whining. they just forgot am a mental case an need lots and lots of love an support. fully support. I cant do it alone. I cant!!!! and they have so many problems and I feel responsible for there problems since I have been listening I am the one who causes troubles at home and because of me they are fighting all the time for the entire life of mine. my dad has an issues and I am sure he has an eating disorders too, and it hurts so much watching him do it since I know how does it feel. but my mom doesnt do anything to help him, she keeps buying sweets and fat food. and i feel responsible. my mom believes bulimia is on a plate, but it isnt. bulimia is in me, with long long roots. and since I eat well, she believes am healed. I dont think with my head, I just do what they tell me to do. whatever I do, I do with them in my head....not to hurt them. I have been looking for an appartment for so long and finally i realized it's not me who has issues with stairs, windows, building, owners..... but my parents in my head. I need my apartment to be big, nice, clean, new, with 2 parking spots, cheap and comfy, so when they come visit they say "Good job!" fuck it, i am not important in that story. they didnt want me to move away so i didnt move out of their place for so long and I have been struggling with myself so much. my dad believes thats the stupidest idea since i can live at home for cheaper and my mom belives moving is a dangerous idea since back in town they wont have a control over my meals....but now am doing so good....... why they dont trust me??? fuuuck!!! am the only one who trusts myself?? it hurts it hurts!!!! and behind those words is hidden message--the reason I am doing better with food at the moment is because of them...NO!!! its not!!
I am the one who fights every fucking time I need to face the food. I am the one! "
went to school, immediately I felt better with those kiddos, my life was calm, I was calm, nothing really mattered. only them. When I finished work, I got back to tears straight away. Crying, feeling caught, feeling weak, feeling like giving up! I call my ex-mother in law, and we spend the day together. I cry like a river but she makes me feel better. She opens my eyes and makes me feel stronger. Again, it becomes so clear, I need to cut of with my family and make my own home. I shouldnt worry, I shpuldnt think that much about them. They are all the time on my mind, I dont go to the toilet without them on my mind...they make me feel awful. They make me feel not good. And these easter holidays, oh my Lord, help me!!!!
I believe myself I will move my feelings and entire life into my new apartment, I will be living my own life and I will do whatever makes ME happy, not them. They never care how my life goes.
Hours went by and I felt better, sure what to do. But int hat very moment, my mother txted me, when I am coming home. I txted her I am not coming because I need to go to my apartment to do something, and she replys: "come home please, you know how much work I have to do. you need to help.!"
My ex-mother in law (not that I was ever really married, just mother from my ex boyfriend) told me: "No, dont go home, do whatever you need to do and go home later, they can work out without you. be strong, Promise me!" I even promised but in a next moment I was on my way to my parents place. I dont call that place home anymore, that is not my home!! Like my ex-mother in law says: "there is not your home, hasnt been your home for years, it wasnt when you were living with me and I am sure it wasnt even before!"
I came to my parents place 6.30pm, 30 minutes after my father and 15 minutes after my brother. My father didnt say a word to me, he hasnt been talking to me for weeks now, he is insane. swear to god!!
my mom was fine which made me think: "why the fuck you txted me to come home help you if you dont heed help!" and leter I realized it wasnt her, it was my father. and one more time i got to see I am fucking filter int his family....so they dont fight, I need to be at home. I am losing my mind, I am losing my mind.
My father is sick in his had. he is freaking out for EVERY little thing I do. he is mental.
I felt so bad being at home I got fever and toothache. I went out into the forest and I spoke to the nature. she was so nice to me. I huged trees and did some breathing.. but my fever was high. I hallucinated. I was people, I saw small man in black and tall woman in white, I saw spiders on my kitchen door. went to bed, woke up worn out.
had bad night sleep. didnt wanna talk to my boyfriend in the morning. my mom woke me up to go color easter eggs. when came downstairs my sickness started. father not talking to me, air in out home in mental. is sooooo sad. no joy, no LOVE, no respect. nothing. sad home.
made myself bread and coffee but couldnt finish, I wanted to puke. my stomac wasnt in that big pain since first week in new zealand.
my face is weak, i am pail and having high fever. I shake and barely control myself not to puke all over the house. It is burning!!! my body is burning my stomac is burning not to mention my throat. it is like I swallowed fire.
I cant keep myself from crying, I am so depressed, so tired and so sick of everything. sick of this family and the energy in the house. Its insane. I dont need that. I dont want that. I wanna puke i so badly wann spend the whole weekend at the toilet. I am feeling very very bad.
it is not I am dramatizing, no....I just cant take it anymore.
the smell of the Easter food........fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuy!!!! I am just telling myself whole day: "I am not going to celebrate Easter with my own family! I hate Easter!" I remeber I have hated Easter since little girl. Not only because of food but mostly because of my Father. He is no1 holiday-breaker!!!!
I hate having holidays and the whole family int he house.
I am losing my mind.
This yr, easter will be hard, I can see. I dont wanna eat. all this food, not even eaten yet, makes me feel sick.
and I am afraid I will just lose a control and start binging!
I have been praying for a week now just for a strength with all this food.
Rehab is so hard.
I wish I have never started with rehab. I wanna give up, i dont feel strong enough. I dont wanna go trough all this shit.
If only I knew how many old smelly, stinky wounds will get opened....so many things to dig in and so easily lose your mind....it is so hard. it is so hard!!!!
pulling those ooooooold roots out of my body...................it hurts!!
losing my mind. realizing how much injustice has been done to you, trust me, you dont wanna know!!!
I am so irritable, so depressed, so annoyed and grumpy, i dnt wanna see anyone, dnt wanna hear anyone's voice and dont wanna feel anyone's energy. leave me fucking alone. my body is a time bomb, it can explode any time now!! am so nervous.
toilet dear toilet, I am afraid we will meet soon!!
spoke to my boyfriend and really wasnt in the mood... as usually, he knows how to ask the question to get the answer and so was today. He told me he noticed am getting weaker these days and I told him: "Of course Im getting weaker, Im stuck with my family in my head again, they are totally having me under control. I feel caught. They are running my life again. They are making me feel guilty most of the time just with my existing. They make me feel fake. I am fake with them. I need to smile all the time so they leave me alone, if I ever come infront of them with my long face, they judge me, my father doesnt talk to me at all and just gives stupid comments such as "ok comn, give a break." and my mom simply doeasnt understand why Im in a bad mood if I eat normal now. They never understand my bad mood, they always tell me I have everything and I souldnt be whining. they just forgot am a mental case an need lots and lots of love an support. fully support. I cant do it alone. I cant!!!! and they have so many problems and I feel responsible for there problems since I have been listening I am the one who causes troubles at home and because of me they are fighting all the time for the entire life of mine. my dad has an issues and I am sure he has an eating disorders too, and it hurts so much watching him do it since I know how does it feel. but my mom doesnt do anything to help him, she keeps buying sweets and fat food. and i feel responsible. my mom believes bulimia is on a plate, but it isnt. bulimia is in me, with long long roots. and since I eat well, she believes am healed. I dont think with my head, I just do what they tell me to do. whatever I do, I do with them in my head....not to hurt them. I have been looking for an appartment for so long and finally i realized it's not me who has issues with stairs, windows, building, owners..... but my parents in my head. I need my apartment to be big, nice, clean, new, with 2 parking spots, cheap and comfy, so when they come visit they say "Good job!" fuck it, i am not important in that story. they didnt want me to move away so i didnt move out of their place for so long and I have been struggling with myself so much. my dad believes thats the stupidest idea since i can live at home for cheaper and my mom belives moving is a dangerous idea since back in town they wont have a control over my meals....but now am doing so good....... why they dont trust me??? fuuuck!!! am the only one who trusts myself?? it hurts it hurts!!!! and behind those words is hidden message--the reason I am doing better with food at the moment is because of them...NO!!! its not!!
I am the one who fights every fucking time I need to face the food. I am the one! "
went to school, immediately I felt better with those kiddos, my life was calm, I was calm, nothing really mattered. only them. When I finished work, I got back to tears straight away. Crying, feeling caught, feeling weak, feeling like giving up! I call my ex-mother in law, and we spend the day together. I cry like a river but she makes me feel better. She opens my eyes and makes me feel stronger. Again, it becomes so clear, I need to cut of with my family and make my own home. I shouldnt worry, I shpuldnt think that much about them. They are all the time on my mind, I dont go to the toilet without them on my mind...they make me feel awful. They make me feel not good. And these easter holidays, oh my Lord, help me!!!!
I believe myself I will move my feelings and entire life into my new apartment, I will be living my own life and I will do whatever makes ME happy, not them. They never care how my life goes.
Hours went by and I felt better, sure what to do. But int hat very moment, my mother txted me, when I am coming home. I txted her I am not coming because I need to go to my apartment to do something, and she replys: "come home please, you know how much work I have to do. you need to help.!"
My ex-mother in law (not that I was ever really married, just mother from my ex boyfriend) told me: "No, dont go home, do whatever you need to do and go home later, they can work out without you. be strong, Promise me!" I even promised but in a next moment I was on my way to my parents place. I dont call that place home anymore, that is not my home!! Like my ex-mother in law says: "there is not your home, hasnt been your home for years, it wasnt when you were living with me and I am sure it wasnt even before!"
I came to my parents place 6.30pm, 30 minutes after my father and 15 minutes after my brother. My father didnt say a word to me, he hasnt been talking to me for weeks now, he is insane. swear to god!!
my mom was fine which made me think: "why the fuck you txted me to come home help you if you dont heed help!" and leter I realized it wasnt her, it was my father. and one more time i got to see I am fucking filter int his family....so they dont fight, I need to be at home. I am losing my mind, I am losing my mind.
My father is sick in his had. he is freaking out for EVERY little thing I do. he is mental.
I felt so bad being at home I got fever and toothache. I went out into the forest and I spoke to the nature. she was so nice to me. I huged trees and did some breathing.. but my fever was high. I hallucinated. I was people, I saw small man in black and tall woman in white, I saw spiders on my kitchen door. went to bed, woke up worn out.
had bad night sleep. didnt wanna talk to my boyfriend in the morning. my mom woke me up to go color easter eggs. when came downstairs my sickness started. father not talking to me, air in out home in mental. is sooooo sad. no joy, no LOVE, no respect. nothing. sad home.
made myself bread and coffee but couldnt finish, I wanted to puke. my stomac wasnt in that big pain since first week in new zealand.
my face is weak, i am pail and having high fever. I shake and barely control myself not to puke all over the house. It is burning!!! my body is burning my stomac is burning not to mention my throat. it is like I swallowed fire.
I cant keep myself from crying, I am so depressed, so tired and so sick of everything. sick of this family and the energy in the house. Its insane. I dont need that. I dont want that. I wanna puke i so badly wann spend the whole weekend at the toilet. I am feeling very very bad.
it is not I am dramatizing, no....I just cant take it anymore.
the smell of the Easter food........fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuy!!!! I am just telling myself whole day: "I am not going to celebrate Easter with my own family! I hate Easter!" I remeber I have hated Easter since little girl. Not only because of food but mostly because of my Father. He is no1 holiday-breaker!!!!
I hate having holidays and the whole family int he house.
I am losing my mind.
This yr, easter will be hard, I can see. I dont wanna eat. all this food, not even eaten yet, makes me feel sick.
and I am afraid I will just lose a control and start binging!
I have been praying for a week now just for a strength with all this food.
Rehab is so hard.
I wish I have never started with rehab. I wanna give up, i dont feel strong enough. I dont wanna go trough all this shit.
If only I knew how many old smelly, stinky wounds will get opened....so many things to dig in and so easily lose your mind....it is so hard. it is so hard!!!!
pulling those ooooooold roots out of my body...................it hurts!!
losing my mind. realizing how much injustice has been done to you, trust me, you dont wanna know!!!
I am so irritable, so depressed, so annoyed and grumpy, i dnt wanna see anyone, dnt wanna hear anyone's voice and dont wanna feel anyone's energy. leave me fucking alone. my body is a time bomb, it can explode any time now!! am so nervous.
toilet dear toilet, I am afraid we will meet soon!!
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