Visited my parent this weekend and to my surprise everything was fine. They didnt give any inappropriate comments, in fact, they were very happy to see me and they let me do whatever I wanted. They even gave me a present, green baggy pants that I would buy myself. I love them and I told them: it seems like you are finally getting used to me. thats good, because Iam getting used to myself aswell.
I didnt need to eat with them and I spent my afternoon at my cousins, with her baby.
I made two cakes yesterday, one for my brothers birthday and one for my counsins birthday, I did some tutoring and the boy, who came to be taught english, hated me and english before saturday, but then he just couldnt stop working, I was so happy.
I left my parents place this afternoon to go home and be with myself, but sitting alone in my apartment thinking: i actually dont know who I am anymore.
I am totally lost.
Not feeling anything, just know I miss my friends overseas, I miss traveling and I terribly miss my boyfriend.
But who am I?
Life doesnt make sense and there is nothing that inspires me and keeps me going.
Emptiness.
I dont know whether I want to practice yoga or go horse riding. Even this little thing I cant decide.
days pass by.
I am not happy.
The other day I told one of my friends I feel caught and I want to break free but dont know how and he told me I need to act like an adult and not as a child any more. I am a woman.
That comment pushed me ahead a bit and my attitude towards my family changed and I took it easy, but what that means.
I dont let myself be happy at all.
It is so irritating.
What do I need to do.
How to re-find myself?
I will try to meditate, havent been meditating for such a long time, I am afraid.
I need to come closer to myself.
Will try horse riding and will do some yoga and dancing and hopefully I will feel something more.
I used to be full of feelings, now I am an empty cup.
screw it.
I am afraid of myself.
I am afraid of who I am, afraid to be myself.
yesterday I told my pareents if I ever get married I will get married with white dress and green allstars, and both of them laughed and said: sure, I wouldnt be surprised.
These are words I was so badly wanted to hear from them everytime I came up with such a wild idea...
I finally got it and it didnt mean anything.
Well, i am gone looking for myself.
cheers.
I didnt need to eat with them and I spent my afternoon at my cousins, with her baby.
I made two cakes yesterday, one for my brothers birthday and one for my counsins birthday, I did some tutoring and the boy, who came to be taught english, hated me and english before saturday, but then he just couldnt stop working, I was so happy.
I left my parents place this afternoon to go home and be with myself, but sitting alone in my apartment thinking: i actually dont know who I am anymore.
I am totally lost.
Not feeling anything, just know I miss my friends overseas, I miss traveling and I terribly miss my boyfriend.
But who am I?
Life doesnt make sense and there is nothing that inspires me and keeps me going.
Emptiness.
I dont know whether I want to practice yoga or go horse riding. Even this little thing I cant decide.
days pass by.
I am not happy.
The other day I told one of my friends I feel caught and I want to break free but dont know how and he told me I need to act like an adult and not as a child any more. I am a woman.
That comment pushed me ahead a bit and my attitude towards my family changed and I took it easy, but what that means.
I dont let myself be happy at all.
It is so irritating.
What do I need to do.
How to re-find myself?
I will try to meditate, havent been meditating for such a long time, I am afraid.
I need to come closer to myself.
Will try horse riding and will do some yoga and dancing and hopefully I will feel something more.
I used to be full of feelings, now I am an empty cup.
screw it.
I am afraid of myself.
I am afraid of who I am, afraid to be myself.
yesterday I told my pareents if I ever get married I will get married with white dress and green allstars, and both of them laughed and said: sure, I wouldnt be surprised.
These are words I was so badly wanted to hear from them everytime I came up with such a wild idea...
I finally got it and it didnt mean anything.
Well, i am gone looking for myself.
cheers.
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