Finally settled down in my new home.. making myself a home.
Lost my mind on monday, simply coulnt take anymore so I packed my bags and left my parents place. Made it home and set on my bed for a while. took couple of breaths and I could feel how bad energy cooled down. it was obvious. all of a sudden, there was no tension. I started cleaning up my apartment, with some good chilled music in a background. it was like sorting out my mind. I did some cleaning for for hours and didnt think of anything but my boyfriend. he is such a safe place to be. But there was a big portion of guilt caught up. I felt guilty for being so annoying. The voice in my head was telling me we will break up, because I dont deserve a guy like him. that hurt me. all i wanted was to talk to him hours and hours and re-fill my body with his love. long talk on the phone helped, but woke up as guilty as fell asleep, so coulnt wait to get to the therapy. I like therapy in like this cases because I realize whether my behaving was silly because of being a jerk or because of my condition. so once I spoke to my psychiatrist about it, I calmed down...it was because of my depression.
After my therapy I went back to my parents place, only god and my parents know why...it was just something they told me to, tho I didnt want to go. Lately, I have been doing anything they told me to do, and kind of lost my self again. brainwash is such an awful thing.
well, I survived. we had some visitors, our family friends who are just like my another family, they love me even more I believe, but there is a mother, who has always made my bulimia worse, because she has some complexes about food herself and as I am weak link, she put all of her frustrations on me. she always counted how many pieces of food I ate and always called me fat. when there was a big family party and the table was full of delicious food, I always got special diet plate. Ofcourse my eyes were big from those sweets so when nobody watched, i would always steal some of the food and went eat it to the toilet. when spending summer at their place on a strict diet but stealing food of course I never lost a kilo, so I vomited double time. at home was quite the same, but I always had that program set up that my family can say and do anything to me.
with years of torturing I started hated her and never forgiven her. I avoid her as much as possible, but this time I couldnt (well I could, but I am nothing against my parents and they told me to be at home when they come visit) so after a long time I was sitting at the same table as she did...and consequences were obvious. I was the fattest in my mind and all of a sudden, there was lots of food on my plate, probably just to prove her I will eat lots no matter what she thinks. it was awful and I ate way too much and I wanted to go puke, but I reminded myself of one promise I made a while ago: I will NOT vomit because of my family and her.
It is not too hard to stay away from the toilet when reminding myself about that promise.
In the morning I left that place and felt better suddenly. am at my home now, feeling calmer and feeling like I am controlling my diet. its just lunch time, will have some soup and bread.
spoke to my boyfriend and all si good at the moment.
I understand my doctor now what she tried to say when she literally begged me to leave my parent place. she told me only when I am away, I will understand what the safe space mean and how un-safe my parents place is for me.
since rehab, she has been always mentioning some safe space but never understood quite well what that means but now i do.
its a place, where you can let your self feel and let yourself be.
everyone needs place like this but in my condition this is so much more important.
Home is a place,w here you are safe from all the troubles and darkness, place, where you can be sad and miserable, and no-one judges. and so I am letting myself feel now...and what i feel is a cocktail of fear, anger, sadness and confusion.
I learned, everytime I get sad, I express my sadness with an arrogance. everytime I am afraid, I express my fear with showing up (fake) strength, everytime I am confused, and all this because I have never been thought how to feel in a right way.
I never cry infront of people and I never admit I am afraid. Because everytime I cried back home, I was told to stop and everytime I was afraid, I have been told to keep on going. also when I showed how sad I am, I have been told not to make drama, and mostly my dad ignored me, so I got upset and yelled just to be noticed. and thats how I grew up. with understanding feelings WRONG!
and now, with 26, I am re-learning about feelings on my own. not even happiness is what I believed it is...I showed it wrong. I was actually never allowed to be happy, I was called a clown of a goofer.
But I am a clown and I am a goofer. why serious if you can have fun? you know therapies are hard because you get deep look into who you really are and who you became because of environment you were growing up in. and regarding to environment if the result is an eating disorder, you can be sure you will lose your mind once you realize that.
There is so much within our selves that we dont even knwo. there is an evil and there is joy, there is love and there is hate, there is care and and there is indifference.... no matter how much we believe we are good people, there is a nest of negativity within us....and realizing that, oh my...
the hardest thing for me is realizing who I have become and it want my choice.
ok, I believe in god's will, because that's why im becoming better person now and i am able to help people in need, and probably I can teach a lot about life, but I dont believe I would ever choose an addiction as a tool to grow up big.
I am confused about all this. sometimes I am very calm and just doing my rehab as it needs to go and I dont think much why I am the one with bulimia...I understand my condition very well, i also understand why I got that disease, I dont blame anyone and anything, I believe I was suppose to get ED to pull all those roots out, so I will be able to make some changes in peoples' life... but sometimes I get really upset why ED, why my family treated me the way they did, why I cant be normal, I dont wanna keep up with rehab and I am angry.
this on/off feeling is very exhausting...I never know how I will feel about my self/my life in next minute...but on the other hand I am trying so hard to build confidence and get good opinion about myself...but with sick mind that aint easy.
nothing is stable and nothing stays with me for long.
I lear about humans feelings and emotions everyday at work, because of my occupation...I need to learn what the child's scream means...is it really anger or it's something else? what does hitting means? is it really anger or it's something else....I need to go deep, deeper than anyone goes ... well, thats why I am paid for, but that also how I started treating myself...I am nothing but one of those children of mine at school with
special needs.
I work with highly autistic kids and with them nothing is the way it looks at first...
before I came, they were treated same as "normal" kids and for every hitting they got time out. I came with the idea not to gie them time out but understand them instead. I have been told this is impossible because they dont know how to express their feeling and beside that, those kids dont talk at all.
I asked them for a chance and so I hugged those kids every time they hit me. soon, they trusted me enough to simply break down and cry in my shoulders and that how we all learned that hitting doesnt always mean anger but it can mean sadness, irritation .. and that's completely different feeling. so for a sad child we offer a shoulder and give warmth, for hitting child we give hard times and built walls.
that idea I got when Iw as stuck at home without a chance to express my feelings... couple of times I came downstairs sad and annoyed and I was told to stop. and emotion that grew within me was so strong and all I wanted to do was to hit. to hit, because of that strong emotion, not from hate, just from irritation. and came to school next day believing I understand my children.
so with them and with my disorder, I am learning about feelings we carry with.
I learned, the only way to make my children express their feelings in a proper way is to make them feel safe at first. it is a hold, but in my case, since i am not a little child any more, a hold can be just safe room without those who cant understand me around.
I dont need much, but one thing I need the less, its pressure.
in bulimia is all about upside down inside out feelings... we are learned wrong how to feel, what to feel and how to express ourselves. whatever we feel is OK. it is RIGHT. its ok to be angry, upset, envy, sad, irritated....but we need to observe ourselves how do we react in certain situations. we need to go deep int our self and look closely what it that that make us feel that way. once we see it close enough it is easier to recognize the source of that emotion, it is easier to feel it, understand it and finally LET it GO!
one thing I never developed is forgiveness ... I have actually never forgotten in my life. never REALLY let go... only imaginary let go. I never forgotten myself for anything. I never forgotten my father I never forgotten my friends who hurt me. never. and at this stage I know, without forgiveness, especially to my own self, I will never get over eating disorders. I will never be able to feel fully and proper. I will never be able to move on.
starting with forgiving myself.
now, with a safe space, I could try, I believe. I am deep enough to see exactly what to forgive my self, what to forgive my family, people and friends..
I am my own parent now, my own best friend and my own guru. only I can save my self from bulimia.
only I can teach my self how to feel, how to believe and how to keep on going. Only me is the one, who I can lean on when life really gets hard. No-one has a power of healing me, but me.
And no-one has a power of healing yourself, but you!
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