....since rehab I cry more often and I hit the point when I wanna leave everything behind and just disappear once a day..
since rehab, I eat with the biggest fear I have ever had for food.
Since rehab, I shake everytime I pass any pharmacy.
Since rehab, I spend ever waking minute thinking: "What if I wont make it!?"
Since rehab, I am afraid of getting hurt by people more.
Since rehab, I am nervous more with my family around.
Since rehab, I lost some of best friends.
Since rehab, I feel even more broken.
Since rehab, my heart is broken.
Since rehab, I feel pray to God every time I need to face the food.
Since rehab, I shower everyday.
Since rehab, I smile more often.
Since rehab, I sleep better.
Since rehab, I dont take pills anymore.
Since rehab, I am not disgust with my body that much.
Since rehab, I talk more.
Since rehab, I am back at work.
Since rehab, I am more honest.
Since rehab, I talk to my body and trust my body more.
Since rehab, I changed a phone number, all the clothes, apartment, job, friends, food.
Since rehab, I finish yogurt with 15 spoons instead of 3, a cookie with 5 bits instead of 5 cookies with 1 bite.
Since rehab, I poop.
Since rehab, I dress nicer.
Since rehab, I have my period back.
Since rehab, let my boyfriend love me.
Since rehab, I let myself love my boyfriend.
Since rehab, I am more reasonable and nicer.
Since rehab, I stand up for myself time to time.
Since rehab, I listen music everyday and I dance along.
Since rehab, I wear my jewelry again and I do my hair.
Since rehab, I face my responsibilities and I pay bills.
Since rehab, I answer the phone more often and I catch up with some friends more often.
Since rehab, I learned how to calm myself down in some situations.
Since rehab, I encourage other people.
Since rehab, I am better listener.
Since rehab, I am calmer person, waaaaaaay calmer.
Since rehab, I see some inspiration.
Since rehab, I take a rest when I get tired.
Since rehab, I am aware of having an eating disorders a bit more.
Since rehab, I dont even hate bulimia anymore but I hate the cause of it.
Then once again, since rehab, I feel broken. I feel like a failure, I feel damaged, I feel incapable for life,I feel different and I feel not worth to be loved and respected.
But since rehab, there is a glimmer of hope that once I am over bulimia, I will be a great person, and fighting now is an insurance for not making same mistakes with my children like my parents did. Not only to my own children, but to all the people I will ever meet. That thought keeps me going. Once I am trough, I will be better person.
And since rehab, since there is big mess going on, I believe in a second chance, I never did before.
Since rehab, beauty got new definition and life got new colors.
Ps: To all those, who read my blog and struggle with ED, take my advice and GO GET HELP!!
Get on a rehab. It wont be easy....actually it will be very very hard and at some point you will realize torturing yourself at the toilet is much easier that facing the truth about yourself you carry with you every day.
You will lose lots of friends, it will hurt so much you will believe you will die, but you wont, you will get over it soon and you wont look back.
you will be suffering when trying to stay away from the toilet, you will scream and probably break some furniture. you will sweat and you won eat. you will have terrible nighmares where you will be puking all the time...and this will not stop soon.
you will need to change all the clothes and you will believe its a wast of money, but trust me, it is still cheaper than all the money we spend on food. you will need to change your phone number and people will give you some stupid comments, but you will feel good about letting some bad energy out. Probably hairdresser wont be avoidable, and my advice is: put some red on thistime.
It wont be easy. At one point, you will hate everything and you will be angry at everyone.
no-one will understand you and no-one will give you fully support, but thats ok. you need them next to you just the way they are. but they will be often busy just when you will have your billionth break down. But thats ok, tahts your own growth, just dont judge them. You will feel like you are losing your mind and you wont recognize the right from wrong. you will doubt more than you have ever doubt and your body will HURT! your body will ache most of the time and it will be reminding you daily you have been screwing it up for last 10 yrs of your life, but thats ok, with time you will learn how to hold your sown elf.
dont worry, that comes naturally. life prizes you at one point, for your persistence. for first couple of months you will be nervous and anxious, your condition will go downhill and it wont make any sense.
you will be vomiting more, you will be binging more and you will make some wrong decisions. but thats ok, you are a junkie, remember. thats how it goes. it will go too slow regarding to your effort you will put in a fight and you will be confused just about everything.
but at some point, you will figure out some beautiful things about bulimia. bulimia has been always protecting you, because of bulimia you survived.
life will gift you more and more often and it will become easier and easier, and you wont feel alone, you will have life on your side, and it will be very obvious, as you have been living all your life feeling like life is screwing up with you.
of course you will throw up still, but you will be able to forgive yourself and move on. you will learn how to observe your feelings, and things will start making sense. after couple of months, you will start looking for solid reasons why to get well, because it will become important to you. and it will take months and months until you will feel at least a bit good about your progress. and just when you will see your first progress, it will hit you again. depression will come, and life will test you, if you are really ready for level 2.
but that time, you will really lose your mind, because if lucky, at that point, you wont be spending that much time at the toilet, so there will be only you and cruel depression. endless pain. and you wont have that easy exit you have had for whole life anymore: toilet. you wont go puke and your stomac will HATE you for that.
you will cry days and night and you will make plans how to go rob the store and binge just that time.
so it will be just you and the pain, and you will need to face it. you will need to face yourself you wont sleep and wont eat and all new habits you have learned by then will be at risk. if you will learn how to eat 4 times a day, at that time it wont mean anything. but you will put fight up, because that will be important to you.
you will be frighten more then ever and you will want to quit. really quit. you will walk to the fridge every 3 minutes and in the mean time, you will be making some deals wth the toilet. I cleaned all the toilets in the house in a case my ego will win the fight and send me to the toilet. but again, thats fine, you are only a junkie. you will annoy all those who love you and you will feel terrible. again!! guilty and terrible. two strong emotions which you really wont need at that time, because these tho emotions always take you to the toilet..... but you will survive. and if you do, you will pass level 1.
and at that point, you will feel good about your progress for the first time.
you will be proud and you will look back and see clearly, how much you actually grew.
you will smile and look up into the sky, and say "Thank you, God!"
by that time, God will already be one of your best friends.
So, do not hesitate, no matter how hooked you are, if you puke 3 or 10 times a day, if you take 10 pills or non, call your doctor. stop hating yourself. cmon, its only life.
you would never choose bulimia if you were asked. so, get rid of it and give yourself another chance. there is life and freedom waiting. YOU ARE ABLE TO PUT THE FIGHT UP!!! we all are.
I am. you are!
I never believed I will stop with pills, I will ever speak up for my rights and I will ever poop in my own, but hey, god never gives you more that you are able to manage.
Good luck!
since rehab, I eat with the biggest fear I have ever had for food.
Since rehab, I shake everytime I pass any pharmacy.
Since rehab, I spend ever waking minute thinking: "What if I wont make it!?"
Since rehab, I am afraid of getting hurt by people more.
Since rehab, I am nervous more with my family around.
Since rehab, I lost some of best friends.
Since rehab, I feel even more broken.
Since rehab, my heart is broken.
Since rehab, I feel pray to God every time I need to face the food.
Since rehab, I shower everyday.
Since rehab, I smile more often.
Since rehab, I sleep better.
Since rehab, I dont take pills anymore.
Since rehab, I am not disgust with my body that much.
Since rehab, I talk more.
Since rehab, I am back at work.
Since rehab, I am more honest.
Since rehab, I talk to my body and trust my body more.
Since rehab, I changed a phone number, all the clothes, apartment, job, friends, food.
Since rehab, I finish yogurt with 15 spoons instead of 3, a cookie with 5 bits instead of 5 cookies with 1 bite.
Since rehab, I poop.
Since rehab, I dress nicer.
Since rehab, I have my period back.
Since rehab, let my boyfriend love me.
Since rehab, I let myself love my boyfriend.
Since rehab, I am more reasonable and nicer.
Since rehab, I stand up for myself time to time.
Since rehab, I listen music everyday and I dance along.
Since rehab, I wear my jewelry again and I do my hair.
Since rehab, I face my responsibilities and I pay bills.
Since rehab, I answer the phone more often and I catch up with some friends more often.
Since rehab, I learned how to calm myself down in some situations.
Since rehab, I encourage other people.
Since rehab, I am better listener.
Since rehab, I am calmer person, waaaaaaay calmer.
Since rehab, I see some inspiration.
Since rehab, I take a rest when I get tired.
Since rehab, I am aware of having an eating disorders a bit more.
Since rehab, I dont even hate bulimia anymore but I hate the cause of it.
Then once again, since rehab, I feel broken. I feel like a failure, I feel damaged, I feel incapable for life,I feel different and I feel not worth to be loved and respected.
But since rehab, there is a glimmer of hope that once I am over bulimia, I will be a great person, and fighting now is an insurance for not making same mistakes with my children like my parents did. Not only to my own children, but to all the people I will ever meet. That thought keeps me going. Once I am trough, I will be better person.
And since rehab, since there is big mess going on, I believe in a second chance, I never did before.
Since rehab, beauty got new definition and life got new colors.
Ps: To all those, who read my blog and struggle with ED, take my advice and GO GET HELP!!
Get on a rehab. It wont be easy....actually it will be very very hard and at some point you will realize torturing yourself at the toilet is much easier that facing the truth about yourself you carry with you every day.
You will lose lots of friends, it will hurt so much you will believe you will die, but you wont, you will get over it soon and you wont look back.
you will be suffering when trying to stay away from the toilet, you will scream and probably break some furniture. you will sweat and you won eat. you will have terrible nighmares where you will be puking all the time...and this will not stop soon.
you will need to change all the clothes and you will believe its a wast of money, but trust me, it is still cheaper than all the money we spend on food. you will need to change your phone number and people will give you some stupid comments, but you will feel good about letting some bad energy out. Probably hairdresser wont be avoidable, and my advice is: put some red on thistime.
It wont be easy. At one point, you will hate everything and you will be angry at everyone.
no-one will understand you and no-one will give you fully support, but thats ok. you need them next to you just the way they are. but they will be often busy just when you will have your billionth break down. But thats ok, tahts your own growth, just dont judge them. You will feel like you are losing your mind and you wont recognize the right from wrong. you will doubt more than you have ever doubt and your body will HURT! your body will ache most of the time and it will be reminding you daily you have been screwing it up for last 10 yrs of your life, but thats ok, with time you will learn how to hold your sown elf.
dont worry, that comes naturally. life prizes you at one point, for your persistence. for first couple of months you will be nervous and anxious, your condition will go downhill and it wont make any sense.
you will be vomiting more, you will be binging more and you will make some wrong decisions. but thats ok, you are a junkie, remember. thats how it goes. it will go too slow regarding to your effort you will put in a fight and you will be confused just about everything.
but at some point, you will figure out some beautiful things about bulimia. bulimia has been always protecting you, because of bulimia you survived.
life will gift you more and more often and it will become easier and easier, and you wont feel alone, you will have life on your side, and it will be very obvious, as you have been living all your life feeling like life is screwing up with you.
of course you will throw up still, but you will be able to forgive yourself and move on. you will learn how to observe your feelings, and things will start making sense. after couple of months, you will start looking for solid reasons why to get well, because it will become important to you. and it will take months and months until you will feel at least a bit good about your progress. and just when you will see your first progress, it will hit you again. depression will come, and life will test you, if you are really ready for level 2.
but that time, you will really lose your mind, because if lucky, at that point, you wont be spending that much time at the toilet, so there will be only you and cruel depression. endless pain. and you wont have that easy exit you have had for whole life anymore: toilet. you wont go puke and your stomac will HATE you for that.
you will cry days and night and you will make plans how to go rob the store and binge just that time.
so it will be just you and the pain, and you will need to face it. you will need to face yourself you wont sleep and wont eat and all new habits you have learned by then will be at risk. if you will learn how to eat 4 times a day, at that time it wont mean anything. but you will put fight up, because that will be important to you.
you will be frighten more then ever and you will want to quit. really quit. you will walk to the fridge every 3 minutes and in the mean time, you will be making some deals wth the toilet. I cleaned all the toilets in the house in a case my ego will win the fight and send me to the toilet. but again, thats fine, you are only a junkie. you will annoy all those who love you and you will feel terrible. again!! guilty and terrible. two strong emotions which you really wont need at that time, because these tho emotions always take you to the toilet..... but you will survive. and if you do, you will pass level 1.
and at that point, you will feel good about your progress for the first time.
you will be proud and you will look back and see clearly, how much you actually grew.
you will smile and look up into the sky, and say "Thank you, God!"
by that time, God will already be one of your best friends.
So, do not hesitate, no matter how hooked you are, if you puke 3 or 10 times a day, if you take 10 pills or non, call your doctor. stop hating yourself. cmon, its only life.
you would never choose bulimia if you were asked. so, get rid of it and give yourself another chance. there is life and freedom waiting. YOU ARE ABLE TO PUT THE FIGHT UP!!! we all are.
I am. you are!
I never believed I will stop with pills, I will ever speak up for my rights and I will ever poop in my own, but hey, god never gives you more that you are able to manage.
Good luck!
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