Every move has a reason, every scream has its purpose, every person carries message, even pain makes sense and so does joy.
My home is clean and ma bills are paid. My stomach is full and my hair is done, but mostly, what makes this day so chilled is my conscience is clear.
I feel love, I am loved and I know it. This moment, I am free from self-hate. What a freedom. One who never hated hisself for longer time, can't know what a relieve it is to simply feel fine with who you are. But I know it very well and I appreciate this moment more than anything. I want it to last. I talk to the people, I talk to the strangers, I answer the phone and I meet with friends. Still one a day though but better one than non.
sometimes I look back and I am shocked how the hell did I survive with no social life. How the hell could I live with all those lies, no--one telling the truth and simply let myself stay in a house for a year or so. Couple of months ago I was there, but at this point it seems to be an eternity. That is such an amazing feeling. To get inspired, to be an inspiration to someone, so live, to feel, to see, to laugh, to take it easy, it's just life though.
When I look back, I can see how far have I come so far. I still walk on the edge but today, very this moment, I feel like I am far away from the edge.
Yesterday I got a msg from a friend of mine, I adore her and respect her, she is a mother of two children, educated woman, and she texted me: "nekateri ljudje izarevajo nekaj posebnega, so zivahni, prijazni, prevzema jih toliko veselja, da ob njih nagonsko zacutis, kako dobro ti denejo. Ko vstopijo v sobo, se zdi, kot da je ves prostor preplavila svetloba. Ko sem to prebrala, sm se nate spomnla-to si ti!"
roke so se mi zacele trest, preplavila me je rdecica in toplo mi je blo pr srcu. nemorem verjet, da me majo ljudje radi. tako ko sem. z bulimijo. nemorem verjet, da v meni vidijo veselo, sijoco osebo.
obcutek, k je prsu v moje telo, je bil nad vsemi obcutki, in tesko mi ga je razumet. niti ne vem, kaj pravzaprav to pomeni, ampak zdelo se je, ko da sm njeno nakolnjenost spustila vase in jo zacutila.
Another msg I got in a couple of hours time was from my friend from Africa. saying: "there are people coming here every day, but i havent met anyone like you are. not even close. I dont know what is that about you, but there is some strength, power and hope within you." another beyond feeling. and just when I think It cant go nicer, there is my doorbell ringing. it is my landlord, brought me some cake. On this beautiful day, also my boyfriend shows his magic side. he calls me just to see my face and calls me an angel.
just before, I went to the bakery and there was an old man trying to get some bread, I helped him and I felt fully alive. if only this feeling could last.
but there is a momnet of a break down. it cant be true!
Non of this is real. It is not possible for people to love me. I am a monster. I am a trouble and I bring bad luck. Better stay away from me. I might hurt you. I dont know how to love, I dont know how to care, and when life gets hard, I lie! it is terrible to know big part of my life was a lie. my the biggest project now is to keep honest. no matter what, I dont need to hide between the lies.
[written next day]
Another day, another feeling.
My feelings are so confusing. Every moemnt I feel different. there 's a moment when I feel self-hate free and very next moment there its something in my stomach leading me infront of the mirror and have another look: "see, that a big fat ugly fake creature. " is telling me the voice inside my head. "you will never succeed!! never!! you will never succeed!!"
I canceled two meetings with friends, I wanna stay inside and wait for my therapy and take this heavy thought out, which I dont exactly know what it is. Maybe I am just tired. yeah, lets put the blame on tiredness.
I feel like I wanna try something challenging, do some studying, do something creative.
I dont feel good.
[written later]
I am such a smart ass. had a power nap.
got up, made myself a cup of coffee, put on some music, of course reggae always takes good care of me and so it has now. reggae vibe, coffee and this moment. all good.
There is a strong energy to be felt around my heart area. Is like my heart is beating fast because of nervousness, it feels quite the same, just thisone is warmer, and to me, it feels like that's how I feel I am connected to my inner self.
I learned, when I get lost in the grown up world, which happens very very easily, sometimes it is enough just to have a good day, then I lower my criterion: it is not important to be aware of the day, life, universe....but I make myself look at something small around me. for example I just saw my purple sun glasses on my desk...and now am trying to find something good about my sunglasses. well, they are purple and my hair is super red, so those purple sunglasses are me. my personality. I need those sunglasses to keep myself myself. I can not get fancy, I need funky outfit. and thats me. and thats how purple sunglasses connects me with my inner self. I get closer to know, who I actually am. Since I am lost in the space, with not knowing what is happening around me and so the only touchable thing is my body. that's why I put so much hate to my body. it is not my body that I dont understand, it is something bigger out there, that i dont understand, and since I cant touch that something out there, I touch my body. it is something obvious.
it is so important to stay intouch with your own self. if you are lost in the space, you cant be happy. you need to pay lots of attention to the very this moment and use all the forces to come down to the earth. thats the only way to understand what is actually going on with you and once you understand what is going on, you cant be hurt, you cant make drama out of it. you make drama only if you dont understand the going on around you. and now, very this moment, I am here, now, with my purple sunglasses next to em, with children's paintings on the wall and with some nice african art I got from my friend for my birthday. this three things defines me at the moment. if I look around the room and try to find something else, the roon is already too big. I get lost again. to it is important to stay focus on little things close to me. and when I am ready, I will look further.
so this is me.
I understand now.
Everything is ok.
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