I AM EXHAUSTED!
That voice is back.
The voice that tells me I am a bad person, that tells me I will never succeed, that I am fat, ugly and I dont deserve anyone to love me.
That voice, that makes fun of my wishes and tells me very bad things-
Hasnt been around that much lately, but now its back, alive and loud.
When I told my therapist about it she said:
"yes, ofcourse. Now the voice came back because it feels it can come out. It has been muted because you shut it down, to survive time at your parents' ! And the voice you are talking about, that's bulimia!!!"
Oh no!!
I thought to myself. Again I got reminded, that bulimia is not on the plate, not in the gym and it is not hiding in fat legs. That voice is bulimia.
she told me I made a big progress but I am still completely bulimic.
The voice is telling me bad things, he is putting blame on me, making me feel guilty and it doesnt let me feel any joy and happiness.
Yesterday, I had a busy say, catching up with people and so at one point I was proud of myself thinking: "see, you are doing so much better, now you actually go out!"
I couldnt even put the smile on my face, there was already the voice saying: "yah yah yah, bullshit. if its so easy why you spent over a year in the house?? because you are piece of crap, wanst able to do the easiest thing: go for a coffee with some friends. you are the lamest." I felt sad listening that.
Also later that day, I got changed and noticed, my lags aren't that fatty anymore and just before feeling good about it, that voice yelled: "you fat bitch, you are not able to move off from 70. who the fuck cares if you feel skinnier and who the fuck cares if you wear one size smaller pants, you are still fat creature and not able to lose some weight. shame on you!!!" he yelled so much I was totally frustrated and started hitting my body, pulled my hair and hit the woman in the mirror. has been a while since last morror-self-attack.
My spirit left my body, it couldnt stand the fight any more, so it was just my body and bulimia putting up big fight. At one point, I dropped it, told the voice "ok you won, what do you want!"
the voice said: "i want you to suffer. I want you to finally realize how awful person you are. I want you to quit the rehab and do whatever I tell you to do and lets start with pills. You've been screwing up with me way too long, trying to keep me sober." he yelled and yelled and yelled and it felt like he is beating me.
I felt like I am all in bruises. At first I didnt cry but soon I broke down even more.
I mentally started looking around the place for some pills. Junkie moment.
Of course I didnt fine anything since I just moved in. But holly crap, my closest neighbor is: PHARMACY!
Damn! I followed the introductions, put my shoes on and left the apartment.
Could be some air, but once I was standing infront of the pharmacy entrance, there was some other voice in my head: "are you really gonna do it? why do you let him torture you??" I guess that was my spirit that left the house because of the fight and all desperate he was sitting outside the house, thinking trough and cooling down. "NO" I said. If I walk into that pharmacy, bulimia will win.
and I have some simple rules since rehab, one of them is: NO PHARMACY!! no matter what I need, I am not walking trough the pharmacy door.
Stupid bulimia waited for me at my apartment so I was free from her outside.
I apologized to the spirit and so we took a little walk.
Came back home and bulimia was so pissed even my neighbors could hear her yelling.
"you bitch, you really think you can screw up with me just like that. you will pay for this!"
I responded: "ok, but now you need to go, because Spirit is very afraid of you and I will get the visits!"
I believe the voice jumped out of the window, frighten of another person in my apartment.
From that moment on, I wasnt alone at all, so it didnt come back. My brother had sleep over and in the morning, I left for work.when I came from work, the voice waited for me.
"not you again," I thought to myself. I turned my head away. Ignored it. The voice followed.
He is with me now, following wherever I go, checking on me whatever I do, making my lunch big and turning off the sound everytime my phn rings. he is a piece of work but now, he is having an afternoon nap in my stomach and that bastard is making me feel sick.
That voice is back.
The voice that tells me I am a bad person, that tells me I will never succeed, that I am fat, ugly and I dont deserve anyone to love me.
That voice, that makes fun of my wishes and tells me very bad things-
Hasnt been around that much lately, but now its back, alive and loud.
When I told my therapist about it she said:
"yes, ofcourse. Now the voice came back because it feels it can come out. It has been muted because you shut it down, to survive time at your parents' ! And the voice you are talking about, that's bulimia!!!"
Oh no!!
I thought to myself. Again I got reminded, that bulimia is not on the plate, not in the gym and it is not hiding in fat legs. That voice is bulimia.
she told me I made a big progress but I am still completely bulimic.
The voice is telling me bad things, he is putting blame on me, making me feel guilty and it doesnt let me feel any joy and happiness.
Yesterday, I had a busy say, catching up with people and so at one point I was proud of myself thinking: "see, you are doing so much better, now you actually go out!"
I couldnt even put the smile on my face, there was already the voice saying: "yah yah yah, bullshit. if its so easy why you spent over a year in the house?? because you are piece of crap, wanst able to do the easiest thing: go for a coffee with some friends. you are the lamest." I felt sad listening that.
Also later that day, I got changed and noticed, my lags aren't that fatty anymore and just before feeling good about it, that voice yelled: "you fat bitch, you are not able to move off from 70. who the fuck cares if you feel skinnier and who the fuck cares if you wear one size smaller pants, you are still fat creature and not able to lose some weight. shame on you!!!" he yelled so much I was totally frustrated and started hitting my body, pulled my hair and hit the woman in the mirror. has been a while since last morror-self-attack.
My spirit left my body, it couldnt stand the fight any more, so it was just my body and bulimia putting up big fight. At one point, I dropped it, told the voice "ok you won, what do you want!"
the voice said: "i want you to suffer. I want you to finally realize how awful person you are. I want you to quit the rehab and do whatever I tell you to do and lets start with pills. You've been screwing up with me way too long, trying to keep me sober." he yelled and yelled and yelled and it felt like he is beating me.
I felt like I am all in bruises. At first I didnt cry but soon I broke down even more.
I mentally started looking around the place for some pills. Junkie moment.
Of course I didnt fine anything since I just moved in. But holly crap, my closest neighbor is: PHARMACY!
Damn! I followed the introductions, put my shoes on and left the apartment.
Could be some air, but once I was standing infront of the pharmacy entrance, there was some other voice in my head: "are you really gonna do it? why do you let him torture you??" I guess that was my spirit that left the house because of the fight and all desperate he was sitting outside the house, thinking trough and cooling down. "NO" I said. If I walk into that pharmacy, bulimia will win.
and I have some simple rules since rehab, one of them is: NO PHARMACY!! no matter what I need, I am not walking trough the pharmacy door.
Stupid bulimia waited for me at my apartment so I was free from her outside.
I apologized to the spirit and so we took a little walk.
Came back home and bulimia was so pissed even my neighbors could hear her yelling.
"you bitch, you really think you can screw up with me just like that. you will pay for this!"
I responded: "ok, but now you need to go, because Spirit is very afraid of you and I will get the visits!"
I believe the voice jumped out of the window, frighten of another person in my apartment.
From that moment on, I wasnt alone at all, so it didnt come back. My brother had sleep over and in the morning, I left for work.when I came from work, the voice waited for me.
"not you again," I thought to myself. I turned my head away. Ignored it. The voice followed.
He is with me now, following wherever I go, checking on me whatever I do, making my lunch big and turning off the sound everytime my phn rings. he is a piece of work but now, he is having an afternoon nap in my stomach and that bastard is making me feel sick.
 |
| The Voice following like a ghost. |
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