Spiritual healing

 Read with: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4mi5AJEX9M&feature=related

I feel I am broken a bit.
Week was difficult.
So many challenges shook my confidence and my spirit.
I am feeling incomplete.
Havent slept any good and I can hear the voice in my head: "dear, please, take time for mental and spiritual recovery this weekend. go to the woods, be alone. Go look for yourself. Your soul is sad and it needs you!"
Sleepless night
In the morning, I still felt pretty down.
I recognize someone else inside, it is me. The friend of mine. Trying to help me. Trying to be there for me.
I dont know how to come intouch with that friend. I only feel it and I only know its there, but so far all the tries to hold his hand were not successful.
I struggle.
It is dofferent from all the times before. I really feel different, but still I dont know what to do.
Maybe sleep some more for the biginning?
That could help.
I am thinking lots about my bulimia and about my self hate, about my disrecpetful attitude towards my own self. I am so tough on myself. I dont know where is the line where I can say: "its ok, thats normal you act this way!" I am aming for some perfection again. At the end of the day it is always: "you could have done it better!"
I feel guilty for not giving all of myself to the kids this week, I have been so sick I couldnt, but at the end, I struggle with accepting my good deeds. I dont see them. I feel guilty for whining to my boyfriend last two days. He tells me everything is ok and I didnt cross any line, but how come I dont know that? There is a voice in my head saying: "you shpuld have done it better. You should of have tried harder!"
I am left with that unpleasant feeling of guilt, wondering: "Why I didnt try harder?"
I cant understand myself this week. I know the facts such as I have been sick and I havent slept enough, but those facts are not enough.
Who is talking trough my mind?
I am trying now to let myself make mistakes, let myself fail, let myself not be perfect...but I am here again, feeling guilty for not being perfect.
It is not devastating guilt and I keep on going, but it doesnt let me relex and doesnt let me see the good in my deeds.
I only think of what I did wrong. I am so tired. Emotionaly tired.
I feel like I need to close myself to the dark and quite room for a while.
There are still things I dont understand.
This week I skipped my therapy since I was sick, and I can tell its missing. I have so many questions unanswered and so many emotions unexplained.
I know the theory and I know some of the facts, but it seems like there is an invisble wall between my feelings and reality.
Tho I am trying to reache it so bad, I end up failing.
I promised myself I will dedicate this two days to recover from those negative emotions so I dont wanna go to my parents place.
It makes me sad when I feel weak just to think about not going but they want me to come. My mom asked me on Monday when I am coming I told her I dont know its only Monday but for sure not on friday. period. i didnt wanna explain anything. simply: I am not coming before saturday for sure.
she totally changed her voice and with the disappointed voice and reproachfully voice she said: "oh really. why? do you have any plans?"  I told her: "yes, I am going horse back riding.!" she said: "oh really, ok bye!" and she just hung up.
she left me with that feeling of guilt of course tho I could clearly see what is their part of my illness.
Few weeks ago I came up their place earlier afternoon on saturday and she said: "good girl!"  hm...so if I wouldnt come that early I would be a bad girl???? thats how they treat me.
I understand the whole family situation now and I know I can be as healthy as hell but there will always be in their power to bring me down in any time.
but this weekend I really really really need to heal my spirit up.
I need to protect myself.
I know I will go so down if I go to their place and I really cant affort this.
I am mentally and spritually not strong enough at this point to face them. to face their critsizm, their love, their anything.
I keep listening gto Tracy Chapman and she is so inspiring. She again reminded me about my artist in me. So I decited to keep taking care of  him. I mean him and I have been very close lately but I am not sure I am aware much that this artist is ME. this is my advantage over others. This is who I am.
And this is who I lost this week. 
So I am taking my artist for a date today.

I dont know if am doing right oor wrong. I havent took  much time to ask myself about my emotions, abou what I really want, I havent placed those emotions and actions in the right time: past or present. So everything just flew over me kind of.
My apartment is a mess, doesnt feel like home, but I am cleaning up now.
Everything for my spritually and mental recovery.





When my life gets hard, and when I am my own self's best friend, there is one special song that I actually dedicate to myself, to me as a friend. I want to share it with you all, who struggle with eating dissoreds.
It saved my life so many times in so many ways.
When I hit the ground so hard I wouldnt brreathe, I am sure you know how it feels when you cant breathebecause your bulimia doesnt let you breathe, or because yur mouth are full of food and you cant breathe or your mouth are full of vomit and you cant breathe. or maybe, you cry so hard you cant breathe. The song never worked when I was very very sick, but as I have been befriending with myself, and as i wanted to be there for myself, i found a song and use it when life hurts.
When it hurts so much you could die, big worries take over your mind, but in that point the only important thing is: to breathe. To take another breath. As long as we are breathing, we are alive!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bWrLEL_hgo






Heal yourself.
You have a power.
Ask yourself what does it have to say and help yourself.
Heal yourself.

Help yourself!