"I havent yet!" I answered.
"Then who discovered your gift?" she asked again.
"the boys mother!" i answered.
next day that very same teacher brought me little something. it was a candel and a little indian prayer.
so thoughtful but my ego yelled at me: "dont you dare to believe you are something special. she doesnt know what shes talking about. beside that you are the awful one, you have never brought her anything."
in the same week there was a math teacher who said: "we love you so much!" and she gave me a hug.
I gave her a little smile and ran into my classroom crying and feeling awful aboutmyself, i dont deserve people love me.
at my friends wedding in the same week, there was a guy who approached to me and told me: "you are so sweet, i really like you and your style!"
ofcourse that was a nice trigger for my ego to start torturing me. "you are ugly and lame, he doesnt know what he is talking about. dont you dare to believe he really like you!"
for our thanksgivving dinner ar school kids made some crafts for me, saying: "we love you!" "I love my teacher ___!" "you are the best teacher on the world!" and my mind was like: "oh those are just kids, they will soon forget about you, you are nobody!"
also for the thanksgiving event I made some little project for my class and all the teachers admired it, came in the classroom and all were "wow, amazing!" ... i gave them little smile and left the classroom, couldnt listent to their comliments and my ego dragged me outside, preaching me "you could do it better, you ar eno special!"
then on monday there was one teacher told me: "when i give you a compliment your body completely freezes."
oh really??
I cant handle compliments, i feel like people are making fun of me, at least thats what the voice in my head tells me.
and thats how i spent last two weeks convincing myself i am nobody and i am the lamest person on the world, who doesnt deserve one bit of the basic respect.
my mind didnt shut for even a minute, and so i am not very exhausted and my entire body hurts like i ran marathon. my kydneys hurt and i have terrible headache, my muscles are in burning pain.
i am so out of my body. refusing all good that i might be.
i feel very depressed and tired.
I feel nothing but selfhate.
Last saturday at wedding i felt so bad about my image i couldnt dance and leave the chair.
i missed the days when i didnt hate my body that much, so bad!
I tried few times to dance, but all i could think of was how fat my body is.
when it was dinner time, it was selfservice, i was fairly hungry so i believed i put normal amount of food on my plate, but when i made it back to the table i realized i only put one slice of cheeze and little bit of salad on. i ended up even more hungry but was too embarased to go refill my plate. later when there was the maiin dinner i was putting food on my plate and the voice in my head was telling me: "stop now, you have huge food already!" so i went to the table and sadly realized again, i put little potato and 3 calamri on!" i was left hungry again. bad feeling about myself grew and grew and i couldnt hold my tears any more. i cried so manytimes and finally, at 1130 pm i gave up and asked my brother to take me home.
i had big breakdown at home but very soon i fell asleep and didnt move a bit until morning. sunday was even more depressed and i couldnt wait to be back at my place. when made it home it was a bit better, but my body was still in big pain. next day at work everyone noticed how tired i am. i couldnt lift the smallest kid up, i couldnt. i was so tired and depressed.
one kid, highschooler tho, came to me and told me he noticed i had been very sad for over a week.
oh my, kids shouldnt now that.
tuesday was even more fucked up, i was so tired i cried. i had my therapy but really didnt feel like going, all i needed was sleep, and from all the pain i felt in my body i cried like a chiled.
i went to the therapy, the season wasnt easy tho and for the perfectly awful day, my car got taken away as i parked wrong and so i needed to pay 100euros to get it back and 40 for ticket for parking wrong.
ofcourse i cried all night long because i struggle so much with money now and i dont need any other struggles at the moment. i still havent fixed my car from 3 weeks ago because i dont have enough money.
i am so sad.
yesterday was a bit better and day at work was happy but as soon as the school was over the good day was over. i got missed call from my dad and i snaped it. i get so nervous when he calls me, i cant talk to him, because he will say something bad or at least remind me of something bad in my life. i was so upset that when i made it home i fell into bed and fell asleep in a second. it was 4pm and i woke up 930pm to talk to my boyfriend. after we finished talking, i fell asleep again and tho i had bad dreams, i made it trough the night.
i have day off today and i am feeling very awful with feeling of guilt. i have to figure out why i am feeling this way. i wanna dedicate today to myself and really take care of myself and live in peace.
i wanna pray to god, eat good food and rest a lot.
i am so tired of dealing with bulimia, so tired.
I am broken!
i cant be sad.
but i am feeling awful at the moment.
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