over-thinking is my over-weight

Finally got back together.
My bulimia voice is quite and I am trying hard to feel good.
I took weekend off, dedicated it to myself only. even my boyfriend is away so I can sleep in and go early to bed. I didnt sleep well last night tho, but my day was better than night. I got to clean up my apartment and also myself.nothing special happened, but I am resting.
i asked my boyfriend to change my facebook password so I dont have access to facebook and I can tell my week has been calmer in a way. but on the other hand facebook-free week showed unpleasant truth about myself....
since I am not spending time on facebook, there is much free time, and my first thought was: great, now i have time to meditate again, and do some art and yoga.
but first day with extra time, i realized I am such a bug. when i took time and wanted to just sit down, I couldnt sit still for more than 3 minutes....after three minutes I became very nervous and rushed myself back to the "over-thinking-mode". after some time i tried to read a book and again, after few minutes i became very nervous and told myself I will read later, i have no time now!
no time now??
what will you do? oooh, let me guess: over-think again!!!
then i tried again, wanted to do the dishes and do my laundry, but after i washed two mugs, i became nervous again, like i am missing something and it felt again like am losing control, so i dropped washing dishes and went back to my bedroom where i continued over-thinnking. and it has been like this for the whole week. i keep thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and when it seems i thought about everything, i think some more. insane!!! and i always find something negative in every thought and so i tourture myself, fearing the future and fearing my own self.
friend of mine called me for caffee, and i told her i might not have time.................i ended up not having time............because i needed to do: over-thinking!!
i am thinking about my family, about bulimia, about people around the world that i could help them, about kids with fucked up families, about my brother, about my friends, about my boyfriend andmy relationship of course, then more about bulimia and even more about bulimia and about my future and about world, about poverty, about wars, about book i am about to publish, about myself, my needs, my past, my childhood and some more about people in need, about my last night dreams, about god, universe, faith, about what can i do for the better world, how can i help those who suffer from eating disorders even more, how to become amassador for children, about my purpuse and my mission, about the reason why i got bulimia, what can i use it for, about the comliments i have recently got from people, about emotions, feelings, hopes, dreams, analyzing mysefl, my friends, my kids from school, my family, my bulimia part, my real part, figuring out what is real and what isnt, thniknig of how can i become better person, planning what to do, then thinking more about bulimia and on and on!!!
I miss all the joy of Now letting my mind lead my thoughts.
i am looking for problems where there is no problems, looking for negativity where there is no negativity. spending time looking myself in mirror, estimating my weight, living empty life with no feelings. living life in my mind. doing nothing real.
I am totally not realxed and totally not enjoying life.
afterall i progressed fucking much and i should enjoy my recovered life, but i dont, i rather over-think.
i am all over the place.
at the moment i am thinking a lot about starting something like youth center for children and youth who struggle with their families. but in this lovely slovenia this is not that easy to start. people are not willing to come out of their shells. i might be wrong but there is not many options i could use to start my little project.
i am also putting my blog into novel form. my book about Life with bulimia will come out.
however this is big thing, i am not feeling anything.
i am not feeling any excitement about anything.
I only get excited at work sometimes when i see the progress my kids made. i get very excited but after few minutes all is gone.
I just wanna enjoy the respect i get from people, my boyfriend and from kids.
I get so many comlipments every day, some of them are huge, but they dont come into my heart.
my boyfriend calls me amazing and poointing out my uniqueness everyday, he tells me he loves me. at work i get big compliments from other teachers, my director, parent and kids.
The other day three moms told me how they love my style of dressing up, how special and unique it is. half of the parents from school approached to me personaly and told me how amazing teacher I am and how much they admire me. not only parents from kids I teach but bunch of others. they go to my director and compliment me. they are amazed about my energy and kindness. the other day we had some people from states that give marks to schools outside states and they heard me work and they told to the director i am very gifted and he should encourage me to level up wth my education and get higher. he called me to his office and told me about it and again, it wasnt the first time, he told me i am natural teacher, very gifted and he will do his best to assure my future as a teacher will be successful. one mom approached the other day and asked me if she can have some privat hours with me before they leave slovenia. parents keep asking me if i can come work with their kids in afternoon and all the kids from our school wanna hang out and or play with me. little kids keep asking me to play with them and hugging me and telling me they love me, bugger kids show their respect with talking to me about their problems. yah, teaching is my mission, but at the end of the day i fall asleep empty, thinking how awful person i am, who has nothing to give.

Overthinking is killing me, i just wanna be able to lay back and enjoy the good of me, be happy and proud. appreciate my relationship, my work and my mission. I just wanna relax and enjoy.
but everything else matter more.
I am drowning in my thought!
I cant breath, i dont see anything, i dont feel anything.

where to start*
it is such a big process to get rid of all the extra thought and come closer to myself. i know that. and all those extra thought are my (body) weight. I can feel it.

I have to train myself to go one step in time.
challange myself  to focus on one thing a day/week. tostart all over and start in a beginning.
start with ME.
TODAY. NOW.

vem da je to bistvena tezava in je vsa poanta v tem, da se osredotocim na eno stvar, se ji posvetim, jo razumem in cutim, in se ne razdajam naokoli, ker pac ne morem resit celega sveta in ne morem spremenit ljudi, lahko pa spremenim sebe in pomagam nekaterim in seveda dovolim, da nekateri pomagajo meni. vsa poanta je v tem, da se osredotocim na sebe v tem trenutku in sledim potrebam, ki jih imam v tem trenutku -  jaz. potrebe, ki jih imam jaz. niti ne vem kateri jezik cutim bolj: anglescino ali slovensccino. si mislim da sem tako prazna ker razmisljam v anglescini in pac ne cutim jezika, ampak vsakic ko poskusim s slovenscino, koncam z anglescino in edino misli v anglescini me privedejo do soocenja sama s sabo. ma nevem, vcasih pa pac ni tko. se ena stvar, k bi jo rada mela pod kontrolo in bi jo rada popredalckala. k da je vazno, vazno da nekaj cutim. iste dvome in dileme mam ko se spravljam jest.....a bom jedla nekaj kar mi je dobro in me bo na nek nacin osreclo al bom jedla neki kar je bojda zdravo. ma ko da ma kj veze. follow the heart al kako ze. nespomnem se kdaj sm nazadnje vprasala srce kako se pocuti in kaj zeli. vedno je sam glava al pa telo. no sej telo je ok, telesa sploh ne upostevam glede na to kolk mi ma za povedat, ampak srce je neki pozabljeno pr meni.
vse ostalo je bl pomembno kot sm pa jst pomembna.
just fuck it.
sicer se velik bol zavedam stvari in vidm kaj mi  in tut vidm da sm vsa rastesena in neprisotna, in mi je jasno kaj zelim dosec in tut sanja se mi kako pridt do tega,....ampak stavri niso glih preproste, zahtevajo veliko potrpljenja in veliko casa. tega pa jst ssvojo zivcno osebnostnjo nimam na pretak joj.  k bi kr vse mela ZDJ ta trenutek bi bla rada zdrava in happy in cutila vse in oh in sploh.
in sploh, rada bi nardila vse prav. vse stoprocentno in se vedno mam v glavi neko perfekcijo.
se vedno se cekream v ogledalu da ja nism debela, dramaziziram in jamram in skoz mam neke probleme, sploh se ne nakuleram. vsak koscek hrane k ga dam v usta gre v usta z vprasanjem: se bom zredila? se vedno ne vem kaj je normalna porcija, v solo si nosim minimalne porcije za kosilo, ne jem cokolade in tko no.........sicer sem prepricana da je to moj OCD part, in moja potreba po tem kontroliranju vsega in to je velik del bulimije. to je bulimija. vsak dan treniram sama sebe da se mal sprostim, pa ja, gre pocasi.
zdj nabiralnik odprem samo dvakrat....enkrat pred sluzbo in enkrat po sluzbi! predn sm dojela svoj OCD problem sm odpirala nabiralnik vsakic ko sm sla mimo. telefona ne gledam konstantno in zvok za sporocila sm izkolipla, tko da vcasih se zgodi da dobim sms in ne skacem takoj da odpisem. se vedno konstantno cekeram mail in brisem spame in vse kar ma zravn (1). tut odmor od facebooka je del treninga. ni fora da mi je fb kul al ne, sploh nism bla aktivna neki blazno zadnje case na fb, ampak fb je nek svet, kjer se lahko zgodi kako (1) obvestilo.

Obsesija.
bulimiaj je moja obsesija. stevilke so moja obsesija.
but doing well. sm kr zadovolna.