guilt trip

Im in shock.
I am caught between present and past.
Which world to choose? Which one is real and whicone is a lie?
sometimes I feel clearly i gotta aim to my new future but simetimes I feel like theres no better life ahead, and I am just making it all up that my past isnt that bad and my parents did a great job.
But as a teacher I see everyday how I create those kids and i see clearly the power of my words and of my behaving. It is break it or make it.
The only way to raise a healthy child is to try and understand his personality and support the good and love him unconditionaly. there is no money on the world that can buy health personality.
spending quality time with kid in a proper way is the only way to teach child he is good and unique the way he is. so I am thinking if i ended up growing up pretty damaged means my parents didnt do their job properly. it is not to raise a perfect kid, theres no such thing, but at least as a healthy himan being.
I grew up hating myself, refusing my qualities and seeing myself ugly.
if you ask my parents they would answer it is me who made myself believe all that and I have been very difficutl teenager, but if you ask me I answer: I was difficult teenager but no teenager is easy to handle, but I was beyond difficult, hit the depression at age 12, hating mylife and myself....i think if by that time they learned me how to love myself it wouldnt be that bad.
but as soon as i let myself be a little bit upset with them I feel guilty and the voice in my head tells me:"you ungrateful bitch!!"
am i ungrateful bitch?
my doctor says those are voices from the past and has nothing to do with my present and so do my friends say ... that their parents never treated them that way and that i am very strong and pure ........ but i disagree.
i am crapy  woman.
tho i could at least look at myself as a good woman with some crapy issues.
today at work i got to talk to another teacher we had coffee together and he asked me how am I. i told him honestly am fine but also been better. started chatting and told him i struggle with my family and bla bla bla told him they make me feel awful about myself and he said: "they should see you teach!"
hes been a teacher for 25 years and his wife is a teacher as well so im assuming he knows what hes talking about. but i feel nothing. i feel am a bad person doing bad things
i dont trust myself when im surrended with ma and dad i feel like i could do bad things again and i constantly feel guilty about all the bad things i ve done so far, about all the lies i said about all the money i stole from my parents wolets about all the food i ate and all the things i hid. I feel awful everyday and cant let go my past, cant forgive myself and cant forgive my parents.
where is the line between past and present?
How to forgive myself? how to move on?
when i stay away from my family, live on my own, i am pretty honest person, i actually dont lie, dont do bad things and I smile and laugh a lot, but as soon as i come over their place, i shut down, shut the honesty and the spark is gone. i transform into the garbage can, eat shit and talk shit. i feel like they dont give me love and understanding.
has been 15 minths since i ve been on a rehab and they havent taken time to understand the seriousness of my illness. my father barely speak about it, he never showed any interests and my mom did in a first month then she just focused on my food and my weight. fuck it i dont need and want anyone telling me i lost weight and counting my meals. eating regulary and not vomiting doesnt make me bulimiafree, my mind is still fucked up and i still live with bulimia. i hate they are this way. i know this is my recovery process and eventually i will stop being angry with my parents but at this point I need them to understand my illness and i need them to understand they are huge part of it.
they believe they didnt fuck up anything and all is just in my head and they have no clue how it got into my head, and everytime i try to tell them the way they treated me wasnt the right way they shut me down: "oh dont be ungrateful. you were difficult teen and if we didnt treat you the way we did you would be homeless now and a junkie."
they just dont want to hear me up.
I dont know what to think, i dont know what is right and what is wrong.
i dont. what if they are right?
then am screwed, then theres no help for me, theres not hope for me then i better just die. then i really am the worst human being. but it cant be true!!
i didnt choose bulimia. i didnt choose selfhate just because i have nothing better to do with mylife. i didnt choose to be that sensitive, that is who i am and they didnt listened up to me ever.
i was so brainwashed. so bad!!!
what is the truuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuth???????
who to trust if i dont trust my own fucking self????????????
one minute am angry next moment im on a guilt trip! aaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!
maybe is just me??
is it just me?
what is real??
im so confused and so lost.
i dont know what to do next.
i just wanna fall asleep for a while and wake up when the worst is over.
i just txted my cousin asking him to remind me if its me whos to blame for everything or my parents were really fucked up and he said I ma not confused I just see things more clearly now. i see things i have never seen before.
the same things my doctor told me.
what is happening to me is that i am seeing things I havent seen before.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!
how to let go.
 I am sad. I feel like a last person on the worold.
i feel like i dont deserve any love-
my friend called me and she was telling me i spent too much time at their place and i need to accept the fact that my family wnet wrong way with me and let go. it will take time.
she is right but i cant believe it.
i dont feel my good friends.
i dont feel anyone.
i dont even feel my boyfriend at this point because I dont deserve him.
I am bad person.
i only cause harm.
i stink.
there is something wrong with me.
i ma not normal.
i can hear these words are my mom and dads words, i can hear it, but i believe to those words. those words seem to be more right than mine, saying: "even if i was a bad person, i am good now."
im not feeling good about myself i am feeling so fucking guilty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
guilty for who I am.
when im alone am doing so much better!