I havent fully recovered from emotional roller coaster.
There is still more questions than answers and some feelings unaddressed.
I feel fear and doubt.
I have tried to post my mess on here but soon after started writing, i didnt find words, not in englisha and not in slovene. I dont know how to put my thoughts together. so now im thinking it is not time to put anything together and all I gotta do is go away from everything and everyone, at least for a short time, to distance myself from everything and everyone.
but everytime I wanna take that time off in my mind, I end up on facebook doing shit (gosh i hate fb) or just doing nothing. i dont take time for my mind to go to those emotions inside, see what i feel and what i just pretend i feel, what is real and what just sounds good but isnt real, what is love and what is trust, who is worth it and who isnt, it is time to stop blinding myself.
if i dont cut off my past i will never recover and by my past i mean my friends that arent my friends but are just people i know for the whole life.
they are nothing to me but i ve never admited because they were always part of my life, but i ve just realized they just make mess and make me feel bad about myself.
I am ready for some honest and serious friendships and those people arent my friends so I need to sort those people. i grew up on a village where everyone knew eeryone and we are stuck together and play polite friends everytiem we meet, but nothing in those friendships is honest and real. those people sucks, they judge and dont respect. they make mess and bullshit yourlife and their minds are very narrow.
Those people are people from my parents place, also my parents and all who are anyhow connected with my past.
I delieted all those people from fb so that was probably first sign i dont want them but now I feel like it is time to really really cut this place off and just focus on my recovery and on my personality and on what i like.
my style is my art but my art is refused over here.
I have lived that bitter life all the time believing all the people judge and they dont let you be who you are, but now i think there are some cool people out there who support me and understand me and really respect me. people that let me be who i am. and those people are my real friends and I feel good about myself when i am with them. things make sense and everything is much easier. I am not that afraid of myself, my personality and I just relalized my favourite friends are all very good, creative and some of them very successful artists. and I am an artist myself. I belong to my new world.
i now see I have had all the basics totally messed up.
i need to take that risk and really go away.
say goodbye to my past.
all those days I have felt like something is holding me back and it is pretty irritating, all those doubts and fears....is there anything like a real love, is there loyalty, honesty, respect etc??
yah I would say no, because I grew up without any of it and thats all i know.
if oyu are different, they dont accept you, if you are in relationship you are cheated, if you say what you think, you are called rude and jerk, if you gain some weight, they point you out and if you lose some weight they point youu out as well, they are all over your life. and i think all those doubts and fears am going trough now are the cause of my sick past.
in this world real love doesnt exist, loyalty doesnt exist, honesty doesnt exist and there is no such thing as respect.
I grew up with fights and with cheating so thats the only world i know but for some reason I got something that doesnt fit into that world at all, something nice and gentle, soft and loyal, warm and respectful.
my world is different ...
so at this point i have to chose between Life I know and Life infont of me.
No comments:
Post a Comment