Depression

lying on my bed, not able to move.
my body is paralized and all I can do is weakly feel bad and listen to the voice in my head.
I shut myself down, i dont want to see anyone and talk to anyone, i deleted all the people from my contacts in my pphn, all the people on facebook and i am keeping alone.
I am disconnected with my body, I feel nothing.
I dont believe anything and just about anything can make me feel lonely.
I have no faith and all i do is overthinking.
even my boyfriend cant make me feel good these days, he seems to be tired helping me out all the time.
i have no faith in people and i live in constant fear and with feeling of guilt.
i still havent figured out what is the guilt here for, but my parents are all the time on my mind and i feel like i need to prove something again. could be nothing and it is just my mind telling me shit, but i am so not relaxed when think of mom and dad. last weekend was very hard for me with them around and i dont wanna see or hear from them for a little while. i need space from them.
i dont take any care of myself, it has been just last two days that I made myself nice meals and had breakfast, ten days before, i barely ate anything and if so, i just ate bread. i lost a lot of weight and you will not believe but when i see myself in the mirror, i dont get any excited. i dont care but always believed if only i lose weight i will feel good.....yah my ass, not true. i feel nothing.
i cant see trough my thoughts. i cant even see my body.

yesterday in bed, i tried to do my "homework" and go to my body, and so i did my little body meditation and it took me some time but when i finaly felt my body, i tought i will lose it. every little bit of my body got that nervous feeling i couldnt handle it. my arms and shoulders got very heavy and my kydney area got in a big pain. the feeling was so awful it felt like i am fat so i started crying. i couldnt take it anymore.
then my friend txted me how am i doing and i told her i am dealing with depression, so she told me she will help me with energy and asked me to close my eyes and ask angels to help me. i did that and i could feel how they (angels) were trying very hard to erase bad thoughts from my mind. everytime i wanted to thinkn of something negative, soon after, that very same thought changed into nice memory i have. soon my head was filled with nice thoughts, all the nice memories came out. and everytime there was a negative thought, even nicer memory came out. i could feel someone took care of me and after about 20 minutes i fell asleep and slept trough the night without nightmares!!

I got up feeling strange, very scared.
I put some reggae on and tried not to move my body, it was a pleasant feeling i wanted to go on and on.
i got msg from my friend asking how am feeling today and i really appreciated it. for a secont i felt strength i will be able to take care of myself today and so i txted my friend if she has time for a coffee today so I am meeting her at two, i also set up time for horseback riding next week and did my laundry, had breakfast but soon after all the joy was gone. and i am feeling shitty now again.
my doctor said i need to be with that shitty feeling, with the feeling of sadness, i need to be nice to myself.
she also tells me always to start doing "body meditation" on regular bases and i never seem to do it. i try often but emotons are too strong so i stop. just like yesterday for example-. but she said that is the only way to recover, since there is so much in my body and it has to go out. i need to take that time.
so will do it today.

after the catch up with my friend, i will take time and do it.
i am so tired of rehab, i am so tired i cant tell.
it is not i fell like giving up or anythng but i am tired.
i have too much on my shoulders  now. i cant take it anymore.
i need to save myself. i cant do it much longer.

what is real and what isnt?
i am so confused.
i am not ok.

i feel nothing.

i need sleep and i need time for myself. i dont take time and i dont listen to myself waht i want.
why i am so afraid of my parents now days?
where is this coming from?
all the old emotions came out.
i am trying to fix my car but have no money so my parents told me to take a loan from bank and i actually asked for loan but i cant get it and now im feeling guilty and dont know how to tell them. it is not big deal in a real life but just the fact i need to explain myself and let them know the opposite of what they believe in...............i dont wanna deal with them.
i am so afraid.

my face is different, there is no smile on my face, my phone is shut down and i delete all the emails i get, i dont wanna have any contact with anyone. when walking outside, i see nothing, i dont even know which day is it. i dont hear anyone and i dont smell anything.
i just feel a little bit of pressure on my chests that releases with particular  triggers and then i endlessly cry. after some crying, i go back to "not feeling anything" mode!

my energy is passive, i know i need to run it up again, hopefully today with a hang out with my friend. hopefully she can wake up soemthing inside that is on mute at the moment and inspire me a bit.
i am totally not motivated and have no faith in myself.

fuck off!