it was different from the other times, this time i was fully aware what is happening and even showed some self love and tried to help myself. i made myself cup of miint tea with honey and milk, which is suppose to help me with sleep. well, it did relax my body a bit, but sleep was still shitty. i also had a hot bath and did some cleaning up, even went for a coffee with my friend. those are things i have never done before when depression hit me.
but i am confused and lost and sad. dont know what to think about the situation and i still havent got to place my feelings. i had good intentions not to annoy my boyfriend but i ended up with a huge break down, and spent the night figuring out what has really to do with him and what is my past.
i still dont know.
i believe i am still looking for love i never got from my parents, tho they might disagree and call me unfair, but i need certain attention in certain situations. i was very much down and my boyfriend came up with the idea he and his two friends are going to surf for a day which meant no spending time us two. after i freaked out he offered hisself to stay with me and not go surf, but i couldnt take it. i knew, once i will feel better, i will not be able to live with myself if i selflisly keep him at home with me and will be much easier to live with myself with just another break down. so off he went and never came back to me that day. every three minues i would check the phone waiting for his txt, to the point when i lost it and smashed the phone. realizing he knew how low i was at that point and not checking on me even once hurt my heart very much.
i told him to take time on sunday morning for me, which was my saturday evening, and so we get to talk without time limit. lately, i felt like we always finish talking after certain time becaus always something came up. knowing i will have him just for me on saturday eve, kept me going and kept me at least a little bit calm and i found it as a good compromise to the fact he will be off surfing. but when i got him online on saturday night, he told me we can talk only 30 or 45 minutes because then he is going with his parents to the place where he lives. i lost it. totally. it was another blow to my stomach and already being on the edge, i broke down. i couldnt understand how life works and why this is happening to me. naturally i am not very patient person so all the decitions i made regarding to my relationship were very patient but took enormous amount of energy from me. i reached the point, when i am so tired i am asking god to send me someone, who will make me cup of tea and sat next to me in bed and made sure i fall asleep and take care of me and be there when i wake up and ask me if i am feeling any better and bring me some soup in my bed and put me funny movie on and then hold me when i cry again. but instead of it, i am alone, making my own self tea, putting my own self to bed and trying to be nice to my own self. yah, gift from god, isnt it, to be able to take care of your own self when it hurts the most, but i am not there yet. i am so tired.
after i spoke to my boyfriend i got to calm down a little bit and ofcourse huuuuuuuuge guilt trip was about to happen. how awful i am, giving him shit. have been thinking and analysing so much i puked. it wasnt bulimia vomit, it was just from the pressure in my stomach. i dont know where is the line when i have to think out of my box and not be selfish and when i can expect something from people. i think i deserve help.
i felt so guilty and so wrong that i just wanted to erase my depressed week and do it over again of course more perfect. i read my last two posts on here and i was just "no no, that should be deleted. that couldnt be the truth!" i have to start over again.
then more i was thinking more i realized there are some things caused by bulimia but there are alsome some things that i am standing by still...my expactations from people are very high, just because i know what am i willing to do for a person who struggles, especially if that person is my friend. but more than tell people i am not feeling well, i actually cant do. from there on, it is only them and their conscience. i cant make them care about me and txt me no matter how badly i am in need to get that one msg. and so i was lying in my bed, thinking all this and i kind of got calm, i did what i could do and i shouldnt put blame on myself for other people's behaving. i cant try start over and be more perfect for the sake of people, i can only keep on going.
i am done with those evel plans: "from tomorrow on!" those plans almost took my life and i am not willing to do it again. it is not that from tomorrow on everything will be different just because I will make a decition not to talk about my problems to anyone ever again. no it is not how it works. tomorrow, it will still be me, with my needs and my personality, and all i can do is try my best. eventully i will stop aksing people for attention, eventualy i will mange my depression on my own with less need of being loved, but right now i need people to ask me how i am feeling. i cant say there werent even one person that didnt care about how i feel these days, it was friend of mine, she kept txting me and calling me, but i am sad bulimia blind me to that point where i cant see it and i only see things i dont have. i dont know i am so confused, devided in two pieces and very sleepy. i am feeling sick to my stomach and cant really eat well. i am trying tho, still making myself proper lunch, i take time, but lunch ends up uneaten on a plate. i know i will soon feel better and things will make sense and so will i eat properly again, so i dont worry about that. i am doing the best i can now.
this depression has been a little bit different.....at beginning, i was tortured by voice in my head i am not worthy and i am nobody, but last few days i think i was more just sad. i was overthinking but i dont remember there were many strong attacts from the voice in my head. i wasnt the worst one, but i was the poorest one. i felt like it is not fair i need to go trough all this, i didnt chose it. on a back of my mind there is constantly my family, i dont know what to thnk about it. there is obviously something coming out.
i am in such need of their love, in such need they understand me. they probably never will. they are parents and they never faced such thing as bulimia, so they cant know and it is me to grow some more and let it go. i thought letting by family behind will be another thng i will do after saing: "im tough!" and i was so wrong. another promise i couldnt keep. its a process and sometimes i forget it is a process and want things to be different now!
i goes super slow and everyday you need to keep on going and move on a little more. no matter how u do it, you have to somehow. i think i reached the point when i am starting to realize there is no-one out there who can help me but my own self. lost love from my mom and dad is gone, i cant go back and change it, so i have to learn how to love my own self and be my own best friend.i have to find beauty inside myself and god inside me and move along with it. give my self some credits for what i have been trough so far and walk with chin up around the world. people in general dont care.
i can feel am getting stronger, it is pretty obvious, but you know what......i dont know what will i do with this strength in my life. i still fear my future.
i am caught between hope and despair. just know that deep down i have faith things will settle down and life will get easier.
we just have to understand life doesnt hate us and if it happened that we suffer at the moment, means life chose something bigger for us. we might be bigger people and ordinary life isnt what we are meant to have, so lets hold on and see what plan has life for us. just keep faith up.
keep on going. winston churchill once said: "if you are going trough hell, keep on walking!" never stop. dont look back, just keep on going. the road must lead somewhere.
you and i are not the only one who suffer. did you know that there is 24 million people suffering from eating disorders all around the world? and eating disorders isnt the only fucked up thing that can happen to you. so we are not alone, and the Earth is a home to all of us. doesnt matter where are you from, countries are fiction. it is something we made up. we are one people and we are not alone. and we have to help eachother.
i guess that also means we shouldnt be ashamed of asking for help and we shouldnt be too proud not to help one another.
oh my,what random and confusing thoughts i have.
i guess my point is keep on going, no matter how much it hurts, keep on going!
written later:
I spoke to my boyfriend and had an amazing time talking to him and so i really got to calm down and enjoy the beauty of my relationship. it was noon when we finished talking and by 2pm i was already a sleep. now its 6 and i woke up. math is easy...i got 4 hours of amazingly calm sleep!!!!!!!!!
i woke up like a happy kid, feeling alove and inlove.
i dont know what exactly happened, it might be just the power of sleep, but i am feeling better.
while lying in bed i went trough my msgs and read few of my boyfriend ones. feeling better, i could read them with totally different eyes and they are so beautiful. they were written only for me, because i love msgs :) i got that guge smile on my face realizing i love this man! i really do, and i know what we have is something the most beautiful one can experiance in its life.
back on my head there is still money issue that buggs me and it makes me sad with everything i know about life, money is the issue that takes smile off my face. and in very this moment is becoming bigger and bigger. i cant let it take control, no, i am too tired. i cant. will think of it tomorrow, tho its not too long now until i will get paid and will have money to fix my car. but i told my parents i got the loan so they expect me do it in first day of next week. but it doesnt matter what i said and what they think it is me who will take care of it, i believe. i shouldnt let this thing bring me down. all good.
i am counting down time until my boyfriend comes online and calls me. i cant wait to see his face again and hear his voice. he is absolutely the best person on the world. and 87 day untl he moves over for several months. my boyfrend is my light.
i am feeling guilty for not being that good girlfriend because i still get blinded by bulimia and still traumatizing and giving him hard times and feeling he failed, wher in no sittuation so far he did. it was just me unable to control my emotions. i feel so sorry for him. and whenever i talk to him about it, he tells me he has faith in me and he protects hisself so is houldnt worry. but it is unpleasant feeling seeing trough your behaving and tho trying hard, not be able to really cange it. the change is coming slowly tho, but still. i wish he didnt need to go trough all this. tho now days i dont torture myself in a way we should broke up and he should run away from me as far as possible, i know he decided to be with me and with his decition he lives and he tells me often he lives good life with me. but poor thing, didnt do anything wrong and stuck in long distance and with bulimia.
i am starting to realize how huge issue bulimia is. its its own story, hard to be explained and hard to be understood. and recovery takes so long. they say ed recovery is way harder than drug addiction recovery. can u fucking imagine what we ve been put trough?
have to learn to live all over again and learn how to love yourself. i am thinking now days how sad it is if a human being has no basic selfrespect. forgetting i am one of them tho, but just it breaks my heart when i get to think out of my box. it shouldnt be this way. everyone deserve to feel basic respect toward hisself and everyone should feel fine in their bodies with their own mind. thats basic for surviving. and yah, bulimia is huge is so control taking and so badly ruins our lives. i saw a little bit trough my depression this time and i cant believe how bisar things are. and it wasnt even the worst one. but standing infront of the mirror and not seeing trough, not feeling your body but everytime you get to feel your body it makes you scream and you hate it., not hearing your mind but when it gets loud you wish you could die so you dont need to listen to it. you are hungry but afraid to eat. how bisar is that???? you believe losing weight will svolve all of your problems and you are trying to heard and at the end you realinze you dont even feel any better in your skin with two sizes smaller pants. it is absurd!! all you need is someone to love you the way you are but when you get that one special, you are shushing him away, believing you are not worthy and you are to lame to be loved!
To lame to be loved?????????????
are you kidding me!!!!
who is too lame to be loved??????????????????????
oh my it is brutal!! i swear to god it is brutal to me.
every human being deserves to be loved, every single on the planet Earth. EVERY!!!!
how can we say something so awful and believe it?? actually we hate ourselves so badly we believe we dont deserve love and food!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!
oh my let me cry, this is sad! this is just too sad!!
it is very unfair.
and thinking now what was so different from this depression comaring to my past ones its pretty obvious...it wasnt all covered with selfhate. tho i couldnt sleep, i made myself cup of mint tea with milk and honey and put myself to bed, and my body got a little bit more relaxed (so mint tea with honey and milk is a MUST when feeling depressed!!!!!!!!!!!!!) i amde myself nice lunch even tho i couldnt eat at all and it was just wast of food but clear msg to my bulimia tho. i had long hot bath tho i felt frustraited about my body. i cleaned my apartment a little litlle bit tho i couldnt stand on my feet and i even went for a quick coffee tho i wanted to be alone. those were such tiny drops into the huge ocean i thought, but thinking now i can tell that was huge break trough. also i knew i will cry off my mascara in few minutes time, but i did put it on. huge effort and things done on purpose, because i have been trough so many depressions and down periods i thought it might help. but the need for being gentle with myself came kind of from deep inside, after thousands and thousands of hours working on myself.
and i am thinking to myself: "how the fuck did i make it trough depressions before with no mint tea, with no bath and no hot lunch?????"
tell me! with all that effort i put in these days i still faced the hell, so wondering how is possible i survived trough 6 month depression with vomiting up to ten times a day, binging all that food and hating my self so bad it made me puke without putting any finger into my mouth!! how?
where every tiny piece of my body was in pain now, what pain did my body go trough with all those pills, food and pukes???
everyone out there suffering from bulimia and not on a rehab yet: GO NOW!!!!!! like now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i am begging you!!!! save your selves!!!
call the doctor, tell your problems, get psychiatrist or ed therapist, forget about what will people say and what will rehab bring with and how will you tell your parents and your friends and all that shit. forget about everything and call the doctor NOW!
Best of Luck.
and never forget: you are not alone and life doesnt hate you!
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