Update

I have been up and down in last several weeks, there was no constant, so I am pretty exhausted and not suse what is coming up next.
I was way too busy at work, but happy about what I do tho. I was even prud of myself and I heard all the compliments I got from kids and parents. I can tell it was pretty happy life.
Since i have no car at the moment, i was taking bus and to my surprise, I didnt dislike it. I realized how life goes by much slowlier than if i run it. it takes me 50 minutes to come home, but I got to leave all the worries on the bus, when i came home it was just me and my happy body, i did a lot of dancing and a lot of fun stuff.
But then there was friday, the day when winter break started, and I collapsed.
All of a sudden I had lots of time and my mind hot mental. I was suppose to go to africa on saturday, but i mentaly wasnt ready, so I let my people in ug know i am coming week later.
but i wasnt calm with this decision. it didnt bring any peace. something inside was shouting: "no, dont go! its not going to be good for you once you come back. stay at home and take care of yourself. take time, slow down your life and absorb everything you have learned so far. since rehab you had no time on your own. now is that time. go back to yoga, meditate and treat yourself special. write book and stay in peace. make little trips to london but most of all, take it easy. sleep lots and eat good food."
the thought was getting louder and louder and so did the feeling of guilt everytime I agreed with my thought.
"No, you will be fine. just go. you will survive. they are waiting for you, dont let them down.!"
i spoke to few of my friends and to my boyfriend about my emotional confusion, and most of them adviced me to stay at home and use the need of selflove for the sake of my life.
My doctor told me it should be better for me to stay at home, and stay away from my parents and just work work work on myself. she told me it is very dangerous for me to not listen to myself. She reminded me I will be finie while my stay in africa, but the consequences might be lethal once I am at home.
She told me I might get sick for few months and all the good health that I have gained so far might be gone and my life wouldnt be assured. I am still crousing among those five years, where I can literally die if i dont do things right.
So yesterday I kind of have decited I am staying at home and dedicate my free time to myself only.
I am not sure whether I will change my mind of not, but at this point this is my decision. 
I feel terrible for letting my people down, but as my doctor said: it is about letting them down or letting myself down. 
I think I chose life and for the first time in my life i am trully ready to save myself, not the world.
The decison was brutally hard to make, still not made completely I guess. it took me weeks and weeks of endless time, days and sleppless nights.
In one minute i believe it is good for me not to go but in very next minute i am looking for tickets.
also financial I am not very rich at the moment and my boyfriend and I are having quite lots of costs with him moving over, and I am done for a while with financial crisis...i have been living on the edge for the whole life of mine and i feel its time i just relax a little bit and maybe finaly get myself a nice city bike and spend some money on yoga classes and on my so-badly-wanted-camper shoes.
it feels like that was the biggest decision of my life.
I feel like no matter how I choose, my life is about to change for ever.
and i wanna live, i wanna have healthy relationship with my boyfriend, which i cant have if i am emotionaly disturbed. I wanna be his wife and good mother to my children, a mother kids can rely on her. I wanna feel life.
I havent felt life for so long. I have moments when i realize i am alive but most of the time i am totally disconnected from this Life.
emotionaly and phisicly I am not connected, and havent been conected for the whole life (apart from 2 years of my life inbetween when i was fighting with cancer thingy).
my mind has been having control over me  for ages.
I feel very small comparing to my mind.
i am trying to meditate a lot now, i am practicing so called focus meditation, and my body is my focusing target. it is what my doctor wants me to do and what i do during my therapies with my doctor just in less spiritual way, so this is what i do now. for thiskind of meditation it is the best if you lay down on the floor (bed is too comfortable and traditional meditating possition is not that good because of your legs crossed)
and first you take few deep breaths and then each thoughts in your mind you gently send into your body....stay inyour body, feel things. as soon as mind starts working again, just go back to your body.
feelings are usually hard to take and often make you cry, feel fat, feel stoned....but this is all coming out from yuor foor neglected body.
i still struggle a lot and often dont feel anything and my mind is wild. it is hard for me to conect feeling in legs with feelings in my upper body...but i am getting there. do it three times a week. body has so much to tell you and in your body there is the whole truth and all the answers you are so badly looking for.

I am trying to be better person now, trying to pay more attention to life, to the feelings, to healthy eating habits ets...
i am trying not to rush that much and take more time to become aware of my body....I am trying to walk down the street very slowly and try to feel each step. when dressing up, i am trying now to feel my fingers buttoning up my coat and so on.

I dont really know who I am.
I know, it is a big question, but it happens to me everyday when walking trough the town that I dnot know where i am...is this slovenia?is this ljubljana? who i am? how do i look now? how am i dressed today? am I walking or dreaming? dreaming? is this real? is this me? my life? is this a movie? who am I?

i also thinkn slowly i understand how huge problem eating disorders are and i can tell i left all the peoplel behind. there is no-one who understands why i am still on a rehab (my boyfriend tho), they dont follow me any longer. I am walking my path alone now and i can see it clearly.
it is not that people dont care but all of it is too much for them. they asked me all the questions already, they helped me the way they could but now they have nothing to give anymore.
i have a few close friends who try hard to keep up with me but i cant tell most of the time they dont understand me. some of the decisions would be easy to make for them, but i spent weeks and weeks on deciding what to do. i think they cant really understand why is that. 
oh anyways.

The other day on saturday my parents were coming home from one week vacation, and my mother called me they will pick me up at my place and take me to their place over the weekend. I told her i am not going because i am tired and because i want to sleep and stay in quitness. she told me i can do all of it at their place as well. i told her i cant. she was upset and hung up on me. after few minutes i got the txt message saying: "I want you to go with us, you will rest at our place, i dont want you to be alone. i will take you back to ljubljana on monday if you need to be back!"
when i read that msg, i kind of snaped it,s tarted crying like a kid, screaming "i dont wanna goooooooo!" but while collapsing I was packing my stuff. 
she exactly knew what to say so i will go with them.
I could clearly see how she manipulated me.
she even sent me a txt msg because i am sure my father would say :"leave her, if she doesnt want to go now!" and she fears from him so she played the quite game and set all up like i made up my mind to go. i couldnt stop crying i felt like i was kidnaped. all the life and light was gone. Pff, GONE! 
i didnt feel anything but endless saddnes! i felt sorry for myself and i felt sorry for being that weak.
I spent two days with no life withing, no words to say, now energy to move my body....nothing was left. nothing!!! after two days of emotional time at their place i got confused again.....what if they are great parents and never did anything wrong, and it is trully just me who fucked up all the things. i better forgive them.

i told my doctor about my forgiving plan yesterday and she strongly disagreed with me!
no! this is the part every hurt child would love to do. forgive, and everything will be ok. but they havent taught you basic life values, you grew up in a woman who hates her self, blames her self for everything, has no selfesteem and think she is ugly!! they should teach you how to respect yourown self on basic level, how to take care of yourself and how to be proud of yourself. they didnt do their job well. they are manipulating you for their own good feeling! they dont respect your needs, they dont respect you. for them it doesnt matter how you feel, if you need time on your own, that doesnt matter for them, they want you next to them and period... they are not letting you be on your own because you need it. they dont respect you. they love you, because they are your parents but they dont respect you and your needs at all. they are not heling you with your rehab at all.

painful truth. my parents are toxic parents.

my mom even tells me she is afraid i will hit another road and get anorexic, becaus ei am losing weight. and more often i ask her not to comment my weight, more she comments. i told her i am losing weight because I gained lots of it before and my body was poisoned and now its getting healthy and recovering. I eat 5 times a day, eat healthy and thats why i am losing weight and with telling me i might me anorexic eventully she only showes me how she doesnt trust me and how she wants to control me.

oh well, when i start talking about my parents, i remember i used get really pissed of, but now, i feel guilty.

buggers.

what the fuck is going on?