(I hate) holidays time!

Since I was a little girl, christmas and ester were the worst times of the year.
I dont know whichone I hate more.
I remember my dad was home and my mom was working all the holidays, my dad was yelling at me when i didnt do things right and all the boring holiday days I spent watching winter sports on TV with my dad.
There was no joy and no take it easy and share love time.
the highlight of a day was always lunch or dinner, i dont remember us talking about anything fun, usually my mom and dad would have fight and after my dad finished his meal, he would just crash down on a couch and watch tv. next day maybe family would come visit, with more food included and less social experiance for me. I never liked it.
Everyone was busy with their families, no-one actually had time to listen to my whining how much i hate christmas.
Preps on christmas were always even more awful than actual christmas.
wake up call at 8.30 and list of "to do" things. so after breakfast my brother and i started cleaning up the house, but since i am the oldest one, i was responsible for everything. around eleven am my dad would walk around and just yelled at us how lazy we are and how he has to show us everything that needs to be done with his finger.
sometimes my father would try to fix something in our house and that was a nightmare. no-one wants my father to do anything, because he snaps it after 155 minutes of any handwork and just yells at us.
bad energy for the whole day.
i remember once i was about 8 or 9 and i was trying to stay awake for midnight church time and my brother and I had fashion evening. it was fun, we made our mom and dad laugh. but made my dad laughed only once, after one laugh it fun was over. he would just cut it off and asked us to get normal and serious and give him a break. then we needed to go to the church, which i always hated also, but needed to go. all the society went out partying and i needed to come home. next morning wake up call again and off to church, while my dad would spend time on computer. during the day mostly i wasnt aloud to hang out with anyone, it was FAMILY time (?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!) and it is extremely disrespectful to go out and hang out with friends on such a family holiday, how did i even dare to ask!!!
but our family time was never family time. it was always full of tears, yelling, bad mood, long faces, quietness....
a little bit of freedom i felt when i got my first serious boyfriend, at least one day we could escape to visit his family. but still needed to be there always!
my ex boyfriend and I faught a lot about it, because he never wanted to spent time with my family but i was always such a good girl who was there with (for) my mama and papa.
bullshit!!!!!
nightmare started when I broke up with my boyfriend and by all the rules of society i was suppose to spend xmas with my parents, but by that time, i was already kind of grown up so i understood more. joy for my bulimia. i believe i always ate more that any happy family together and vomited more than all those free people who partied hard on xmas.
and last year i got to escape.
i was in new zealand in a time of xmas and my boyfriend and i spent christmas at his parents place.
i for the forst time saw what family time means, how does it feel when you spend three days together all the time and no-one yells!!!!
i remember i set down on the stairs and just cried.
it was my first and only christmas i liked.
and this year i am not spending my winter break in new zealand and god help me on monday.
i am very depressed about it. very.
i dont know how will i make it.
i hate it!!!!!
I absolutely hate it!!!!
I hate christmas!!!!
here you go!!----------I fucking HATE christmas time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I bloody dont want to spend it with my family.
Such a sadness takes control over me when I am with them.
I hate it!!!!

I hate christams!!!!
yelling bells, yelling bells, yelling all the way ......

Merry Bloody Christmas Everyone!