Numb

read with -->  Breathe!!!!

it just doesnt stop. i keep having breakdowns like rain in tropical forest. every day at same time.
in the morning i feel either ugly and fat and nervous or happy with some of my fave reggae.. I make myself lunch 1-ish and since that moment on i live 100% NUMB next four or five hours, i literally feel NOTHING!!!!
I dont feel my body at all (just pain in my butt). i dont feel any hunger, any cold, any breathing.
I blackout for those several hours. I go pee every hour but its like a moonwalk, dont even know it happened, i drink water and lie in bed. with TV on but i dont hear it. even i cant tell whats on my mind at that time, because i forgot everything. then at 5 oclock i start feeling some anxiety, feeling in my tights its extremelly nervous and its like it ichying me in my muscles. that feeling wakes me up from my numb-mode and i get out of bed (also on days when i worked, i would have one hour "rest" and got out of bed at 6), put my slippers on, make myself cup of mint tea and i sit on a desk in my bedroom. everyday same move, at same time, in a same place. i starts crying just like that. like someone turned my crying program on.
I burst into tears. I cry hyisterically. My emotional pipe is fully open and the emotion coming out is sadness.
I am sadden how difficult my life is. I feel sorry for my own self, for being a victim of eating disorders and for needing to fight that much for survival. i feel lonely and i am sad i feel need to lonely. I fear, my ego is bringing me down, telling me i wil never get well and telling i might even die. i am scared for my health. i am sad for how much pain goes in and out my body. i feel like no-one is helping me (apart from my boyfriend) and i am sad because no-one is helping me with my battle with bulimia. I get sad because people are so careless and because i realize i dont have a friend who would call me when struggling with life. at least those that i thought are cool and my close friends......yah, i might tell them about my struggles because thats how i am, i tell everyone about my struggles, but they never tell me anything, just they disappear for a week then txt me:Was so lost last week but am fine now, life is so beautiful now and i love my man and he loves me and i am just doing amazingly and flowers are blooming in the middle of winter in my life........................................... FUCK YOU!!!!
yah, your life is even better than cindarela's when her pumpkin turned into real carrage.
asses.
i dont even know what i want from my friends.
fuck it. i want them all to be as open as i am, but they arent. or i dont have that luck with friends.
maybe is just my bulimia trying to see bad in friends and so she can isolate me.
i so badly need honest people at the moment.
because i dont believe anyone. there are some people that i believed they are cool, but they arent. those certain people are the biggest bitches i know.
after crying out all the sadness about my friends, i cry some more because i feel nothing. then i try and "go into my body" just like my therapist told me to do, and i lose my mind again because i feel nothing.
i fucking wanna feel my body.
i dont feel my bloody body!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just realized few minutes ago, when having that big break down, i dont feel things in my body since i stoped vomiting.
before, i felt my body waaaay too much, i remember some unknown feeling taking control over my entire body and at one point i exploded and puked. since i dont puke, theres no that feeling any more.
yah some of it went out, some of it got new shape but some of it is just locked somewhere inside my body and i dont know how to let it out.
i am tired of this slow process it feels like nothings changing and things arent doing better. yah, some of it, yah sure, also i can see, but i still fucking HATEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE my fucking body and my fucking self and my fucking numb life.
i just wanna be happy and feel happiness in my body i wanna be FREE!!!!!!!!!!
i wanna believe and have faith, i dont wanna live in constant fear things aint gonna be ok anymore. i cnt take it much longer.

i want magic wand and be well in a minute. like in a fairy tale! i wanna live in present and not being sabotaged by past over and over again. i need this negativity to stop and i wanna fall inlove. i wanna smile and laugh and wonder around town doing random things. i wanna feel excitment about LIFE, i wanna be spontaneous and most of all i wanna be PRESENT!!! I wanna sing out loud, i wanna experiment with my style, i wanna be bold again and i wanna be playful and boobly again. i wanna dance on and on and i wanna talk to random strangers. I wanna feel heathy and young, and not ill and old. i wanna let sun warm my body deep trough. I wanna see colors and i dont wanna be afraid. i dont wanna keep walls. i dnt wanna feel that heavy feeling on my chests anymore.
I wanna break free!
I wanna be ME.

i havent taken antidepressant for four days. not on purpuse, but i ran out and then i got flu so was stuck indoor, and planned on picking them from pharmacy yesterday  before my therapy, but was still sick so didnt go. two days aint that big of a deal, and i thought also five wont really kill me.
then i looked online a bit about how to withdrawl AD and there was a flood of people's stories how difficutl was to stop taking AD and how you get even more depressed and how you lose your mind.....am not saying this is not true, coz i know can be, but i just got the idea i wanna stop with AD. maybe dont feel my body because of meds. some people would say they didnt realize how numb they were until they stopped taking AD and after, they were full of life and feelings.

i so would but i can be bothered now with all those withdrwal symptoms............if i get them too. i might not to tho coz i never really felt a big change after started taking AD and i wouldnt say my mood stabilazed at all, i still have big episoded, breaking down every 5 - 8 weeks, so maybe meds dont have such strong impact on me, and also stop taking them wouldnt be a panic....but i know you cant tell for sure......eh, i think am getting new box on monday.

Damn you society!

It is so funny, jsut a year ago or maybe a bit more than year ago I would be able to lie I am sick (flu) so i could stay at home and vomit all day long, where today I am actually having a flu and feeling awful for staying at home.
i feel useless and guilty.

but i guess my boyfriend is right and i need to stay at home and recover, after all i am still ill (bulimia) and need to be gentle with myself.

It might be flu but these days i have been feeling very emotional. I ended up crying my soul out every day after work. it started with some kind of frustration but soon i heard myself asking God "why?? why me? why eating disorders? such a shame! so many has bulimia taken from me!" i kind of feel sorry for myself for going trough all this. i am feeling sorry for myself for having an eating disorders.
I now see, finally, how much damage has bulimia done to me. mentaly and phisicly.
I seem to be grieving.
another stage in my rehab. hip hip!!

but its not joyful at all.
all i feel is negativity about myself and apart from that grieving hour after work, i am very mean to myself.
I am feeling FAT!!!!! and The UGLIEST!!!!
i forgot how it feels when those two are taking over my head.
every bit of my head id filled with this two thoughts!
I wake up, feeling fat.
I feel like I have gaind about 8 kilos since this monday.
then i go to the bathroom and see my face and i get disapointed "you again!"
how ugly my face is.
I dress up, and i realize, nothing looks good on me anymore. its awful.
i feel lame.
then i go to work and i feel like i am bad teacher and shitty person.
i live with this combination - ugly, fat, lame, useless - most of the day, then at 5pm i come home and at 6 i have my break down. i cry and feel sorry for myself then i yell to the world how ridiculously miserable people in the world are and how retarted and emotionally disabled they are.
it makes me upset and sad in a same time, especially since for a little time i tried to become like them.

keep quite, dont talk! no-one is interested in your life!
dont share your thoughts with anybody, they dont care. they mind theirselves only.
selfish bitches!!
 i wanted to shut up completly myself.
it made me miserable!
it lasted just few days, but it i was miserable.
then i found it all so stupid!

uuuuuh!!!
dont talk about mylife.
booh hooh hoo ----- my life is a secret!!!
i dont want people to know i get hungry and i cant poo after eating oranges. uuuh scary!!
be quite ........ i dont want people to know my parent are one of the biggest hypocrits i have ever got a chance to know, no no, lets keep it for myself, because no-one has hypocrit parents.
ppppsh!! i dont wanna share with anyone my period is painful because people just dont get periods and i wanna keep it for myself i miss my boyfriend because there is no such thing out there as missing someone.
oh no. i am so strange and my life is such SIN.

(I am suppose to sound cinic and sarcastic)

its stupid!!!!!!
we all share same shit and we all feel the same.

why we live like we dont care. like my depression is better than yours, because I drink mint tea when depressed and your anxity is more frustraiting than mine just because your face is prettier than mine??????
what the fuck????

is it just me or it is really sad how emotionally disabeled people are becoming.
no.one know what to do with their feelings and sharing feelings with someone is the worst thing you can do because there is so many enemies out there and are waiting for the oportunity you get  vulnerable enough to stab a knife in your back and kill you!!
yah my ass!
thats what they teach us!! thats what my mama has thaught me, but you know what...................i am like an open book, i tell everything about mylife to anyone----and no-one took advantage on me.
i am still alive and often when sharing my life i inspire people or make them feel better because they are not the only ones who feel that way.

yah, some people get bored of listening to my stories and they leave - god bless them. some people stay, but dont share as much with me -- god bless them.. some people think i shouldnt talk that much (mama, papa and the rest of the world) but thats fine-----god bless them.

the world is round, we should think of it less than a square and more like a circle.
we are one!
we all experiance life!

sometimes peole say.... "you should go for a walk if you are depressed!"
who are you to tell me i am doing it wrong because i am staying inside???
obviously it feels safer for me and thats alright.
just because you read  in bloody magazine that walking help with depression you think thats what the whole world should do, if one does something else is labeled as wierd.

you know, also anti depressant pills help with depression and so does sex and chocolate..... yah, but it doesnt take it away because you need to fucking stay inside (*wherever inside feels safe for you!!) and deal with your fucking suppressed feelings, that mama and papa and society have thaught you to hide certain feelings if you want people to respect you. crying is a sign oof weaknes. REALLY???? feel!!! let yourself feel without judging yourself.
however you feel and whatever you feel is absolutely alright!!!!!!!

dont let sociaty wash your brain.
SOCIETY IS THE ONE THAT IS SICK, not you!!!

what is normal? 
you are normal, not letting society ruin the beauty inside you. the beauty god gave you, the beauty that should be spread among all of us and not be blocked by some stupid number on a scale and by stupid size of trousers.... skinny is not normal....skinny is still skinny!! dont label things. as soon as u lable it, you ruin the main purpuse of it.
just unconditionally feel and love and explore and share!
dont fear, just understand and your body will get into the shape that is "normal" for your body.
all the extra weight will  leave you and your body will become beautiful. trust life!
seriiously.
to me, some people say i am losing a lot of weight and i tell them it is because of my recovery and it will stop once my body reach the "perfect" shape.

do i believe myself what am saying now????
ABSOLUTELY YES!!!!!

just sometimes i get blinded by bulimia.
but i know my life is BEAUTIFUL comparing a year ago when i was still vomiting.
and i believe soon i will feel it with whole body of mine.
I know i will be able to count my blessing and leave my past behind. this day will come, when i am ready!

Keep FAITH!

LOVE UNCONDITIONALY!
FEEL FEARLESS!!
BE-EXIST!
SHARE YOUR BEAUTY!

 
Think BIGGER!
Think out of your box!

selfhates pissing me off!

Zadnja dva tedna sem totlno prehlajena, kasljam ko sto let star kadilec, nimam kaj prevec energije in se vedno se ne usedem in pocijem.
Ta vidken sta prva dva dneva v 14dneh, ko sem si vzela cas za pocitek, pila neomejeno kolicino naravnega pomarancnega soka in limonado, jedla zeleno solato z ogromno cesna in za malico pojedla navaden jogurt in korenje. Telo sem nabasala z vitamini in ga razvajala z dokaj lepimi mislimi in danes ze celo popoldne ne kasljam, nos se mi je umiril in verjetno se mi bo tudi uho odmasilo do jutri zjutraj.
cudno mi je, ker skrbim zase. tega nikoli nisem pocela. z visoko vrocino sem skakala okoli, z vnetimi ledvicami sem delala in dvigovala otroke, z vnetim usesom sem zivela, kot da se nic ni tgodilo....in zdaj, danes, pocivam, lezim, se dolgosacim in jem hrano, polno vitaminov.
cudno je, vsake toliko se oglasi ego in me napizdi kaj se grem, da sem navaden lenuh in da bolje zame, ce se poberem iz postelje in vsaj malo pospravim po stanovanju. moje stanovanje je cisto in snazno, moje uho pa je se vedno zamaseno.
zdravnica mi je rekla, da so trenutki, ko me napade ego idealni za delo na sebi. to naj bi bili trenutki, ko se za eno uro posvetim svojim cutenjem, temu, kaj se dogaja v mojem telesu.
vceraj sem se usedla na tla in "sla v svoje telo"- ego me je najprej sabotiral, da je to izguba casa in da bom to pocela kdaj drugic, ampak zdj se morm pa res pobrat in nardit kj koristnega.
o tem, kako me vedno napade ego, ko se spravim to pocet, sem se pogovarjala z zdravnico in rekla mi je, da je kljuc v tem, da vztrajam in da je na zacetku vedno tezko ker je ego tako mocan in ve, da ga bo to unicilo, zato protestira, ampak da moram vztrajat in da bo kmalu postalo veliko lazje in da je to edini nacin, da se zares ozdravim od bulimije.

vztrajala sem. noge so postale tezke, mrzle in nekaj me je vleklo "dol"-
tudi roke so bile tezke in v telo sem dobila obcutek nervoze, tako, kot da bi cutila svojo kri, kako se pretaka po zilah, ali pa ko po prvih pozirkih alkohola, ko noge postanejo "mehke".
pritisk v nogah je rasel in zjokala sem se. jokala sem histericno in se drla "why i hate myself? why i am fat?"
obcutek, ki sem ga zaznala, je bil ZALOST.
cutila sem zalost, zalost do lastne situacije. zalostna sem bila zaradi sebe, ker moram cez vse to, da bom enkrat normalno zivela. bila sem zalostna.

po moji "body meditation" in po polurnem histericnem joku sem se pocutila veliko boljse in skoraj bi lahko rekla, da sem bila bolj povezana sama s sabo. bolj sem se zavedala trenutka v sedanjosti in razveselila sem se, ker imam super fanta. obcutek je bil enkraten, bila sem zaljubljena in cutila sem, kako me on ljubi in kako lepa je najina zveza. cutila in vedela sem, da je on moja prihodnost.
a obcutek ni trajal dolgo. kmalu so me prevzeli obcutki iz preteklosti in okrog enajstih sem zaspala.

spala sem obupno. tako kot ze nekaj casa sem imela tudi tokrat nocne more. v mojih nocnih morah se zadnje case pogosto pojavita mama in oce in vedno mi receta, da sem slaba in naj se vzamem v roke, potem gresta.
velikokrat sanjam gruco ljudi kako se norcuje iz mene in krici, da sem nevredna, gdra in debela.

zbudila sem se ob sestih in nic ni disalo po dobrem dnevu.
pocutila sem se obupno utrujeno z zamasenim usesom, kar me je spravilo ob zivce ze takoj ob 6h.
nisem se zavedala nicesar, nisem bila prisotna in nevem, kaj se je dogajalo. nisem zivela v sedanjosti, to je sigurno.
ob 9h sem se slisala s fantom. potrudila sem se, kakor sem se pac lahko, da sem bila prisotna in prisebna, ni mi ravno uspelo, a nekje deep down vem, da je vse ok in da me zveza polni z upanjem.
bila sem na robu zloma, kako sem jezna na mamo in oceta in da ta jeza ne popousti ze od bozica. nasprotno, raste v meni.
se vedno na cakam ocetov oprosti, a ga vsekakor ne bom dobila, ker se je on ze desetkrat premaknil naprej, le moja custva so obticala pri bozicnem kosilu.
prejsnji teden sta me tudi obiskala, bila sem ju vesela, saj je bilo to sele drugic, odkar zivim sama.
jezna sem, ker se vedno pocutim grozno, ko se pogovarjam z njima. tudi ce je vse ok, jaz se pocutim ko drek.
te dni sta me klicala parkrat in preverila, kako kaj moj prehlad in vedno sta rekla: "jst sm bovn, sm piu ful limonade, tablete, med, prelezou zadevo in v dveh dneh sm dobr. resno mors tut ti to, ker ce ne bos dobila plucnco!"
ja good for you, you good and i suck!
in sovrazim ta obcutek. sovrazim ga!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! navelicana sem ga! navelicana sem samosovraztva in zanicevanja same sebe, tlacenje same sebe v nic in se ne spostovat. sia sem tega.
verjetno mi zelita dobro in sta mi iskreno svetovala, kaj naj naredim, ampak pocutim se ko drek.
ko da nism sposobna zase poskrbet. mislm sej res nism en ekspert v skrbi zase, ampak tko grozno sem se pocutila.
ne spomnim se, da bi se doma kdaj tko vneto pogovarjal o prehladu, vedno so sle take bolezni mim nas in smo sli v solo oziroma v sluzbo. zdj pa.....

da se bom pocutila se slabs, sem prebrala mail uciteljice, ki je bila en teden odsotna in jo je nadomescala njena bivsa asistentka. skupaj sva imeli super teden.
v mailu starsem je pohvalila le njo, mene niti omenila ni, ceprav sem jaz uciteljica njihovih otrok in sem sigurno pripomogla 70% k uspesnemu tednu.
vem da me ona ne spostuje prevec, nikoli mi ni dala obcutka spostovanja, mogoce je dvakrat omenila, da sva s fantkom, s katerim najvec delam dober tim. nikoli me ni izpostavila in nikoli nikoli nikoli mi ni dala obcutka, da me jemlje resno in da spostuje moje delo. skupaj delava vsak dan, jaz sem njena nova asistentka. zjutraj jaz delam s svojimi otroki stiri ure, ona s svojimi 3. potem se obe skupini zdruzita in jaz delam z njimi skupaj z ucitelji za glasbo, umetost, dramo itd..... zaslug za razvoj teh otrok imam vec kot ona, vec dam sebe v delo kot ona in cutim otroke bolj, kot jih bo ona kdajkoli.
pa me ne spostuje.
kurac jo gleda.

no, seveda sm se zjokala in za spremembo sem sla v svoje telo.
tokrat nisem mogla cutit nicesar. telo je blo zablokirano, samo zivcna sm bla ko pr norcih.
zdravnica pravi, da ce ne cutim nicesar je ok, tudi to je del "cutenja".
besna sem brcala po stanovanju in se drla, lahko bi se ji pokozlala v fris.
za trenutek sm si vrjela, da bi rada pustila delo v tej soli in zginla.
nevem kaj bom nardila.
zdj sm mirnejsa, ampak se vedno je nocem vidt jutr v sluzbi.
v meni ta zenska vzbuja slabe obcutke do sebe, in se enkrat..............sita sem tega!!!!!! sita sem tega, da ma dolocen folk tako moc nad mano in me vrze v negativo v sekundi.
lepega ne vidim.
100 ljudi me hvali, a jst se ne prenesem zarad ene zenske.
tuki se skriva veliko vsega zadi, ampak ker pisem v slovenscini bom od tu naprej raje pisala vsvoj dnevnik.

fuck it.

"WHEN YOU GET ENOUGH INNER PEACE AND FEEL REALLY POSITIVE ABOUT YOURSELF, IT IS ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO BE CONTROLLED OR MANIPULATED BY ANYONE ELSE!!!  - wayne dwyer "

na zivce mi gre to, da se tko trudim z zdravljenjem in trudim se bit boljsi clovek v vsakem trenutku, vsak dan dam svoj maksimum od sebe, a na koncu dneva bi si loh plunla v obraz. ne dam si niti ene pikice nagrade.

se mi vcasih zdi, kolk je vse skupi zalostno, da sama sebi izrecem besede, ki jih nikol nebi rekla nobenmu.
zakaj se sploh sovrazim?
kao sm ful shujsala but guess what.........se vedno sm najdebeljsa med vsemi.
na roko si vsak dan napisem de stvari: 16.2. to je dan, ko se moj dragi vrne v slovenijo za pol leta, in KQ, kar pomeni Keep quite! Keep quite enostavno pomeni: nikogar ne briga tvoj pofukan lajf! ne utruji!

zdj se je mogoce mal umirila ideja v moji glavi, da so vsi okoli mene sovrazniki in da ne morem nobenmu zaupat. zdj sm bl nakulerana s prjatli, ampak se vedno vidm sovraznike vse povsod.

sprostila bi se rada, cutila bi rada!!
samo CUTILA BI RADA, Cutila kdo sem, cutila ljubezen, sreco, radost in svobodo.
Samo CUTILA bi rada!!!!!

totalno ma kurac mi gre to hladno zivljenje, polno strahov, da sem bedna, nezanimiva in debela in da nobenga ne zanimam in da moram bit tiho, ker govorim bedarije. zivljenje gre mimo mene, mendtem ko se jst borim sama s sabo. trenutna skrb mojega ega je, da grdo pisem. da najgrse na svetu napisem crko K in da crke e, j in s niso za nikamor.

zdj mam moment, ko se mi zdi, da delam vse prav, in vse kar lahko, da ozdravim in spet cutim. ta dva dni, ko sem sla v svoje telo, sva velik korak naprej.

Ljubim svojega fanta.

In your face!!

"you are ugly!"
"you are fat, uselss and not worthy. you are lame and boring. you are rubbish and you stink. you are a mess and you are pain in anyone's ass. you are trouble and you nobody!"

"you are not going to london, because you are not able to change a train."
"you are staying home, because you are too lame to go out!"
"no-one cares about you!"

"stay at home, dont get a ticket, you will not be able to travel from the airport to her place, you dont know the numbers. do you hear me, you dont know the numbers!"
"beside that, you are lame and ugly. ugly people dont trevel."

"get ready for a break up. this time, you guys will break up. its all fake. he lies. he doesnt care."
"and its all because you are not worthy and just a dumbass."

"dont call her, dont bother people. she is not your frined. you have no friends. no-one likes you. vbecause you are fat and ugly. you are a bug, leave people alone!"

"your dad is right, the world doesnt revolve around you! you are garbage. you just think you are a smartass but you are a rat! face it. give up. your dad is right, you will never achieve anything with this difficult character of yours. you are lame the way you are and he is right, you should grow up and stop looking like a clown. get it?"

"no really, you aint going to london. you are retarted. you cant travel on your own. you wont be able to make it from the airport to her place. retarted people dont travel. you dont know numbers. u r totally staying at home. you are too lame to travel. you just annoy people with who you are, leave them alone. stay away from them,be respectful, give them a break. they need to rest, no-one has time for you. you are not worthy. they have plenty of better things to do. and you are ugly. and you dont know the numbers."

"he doesnt like you. he will break up with you. who wants to be with such a mess? any, just any other girl is better than you. point one, and she is better. everyone is better than you. you come the last. he wont stay with you."

"dont eat. you are fat. if you eat, you go puke. i dont care if you havent been puking for a yr, no-one cares, will you ever understand that? dont eat you fat ass!"

"you are giant!"

"you are the ugliest!"

"how can you live with yourself. so lame!"

"dont go to london, you dont know the numbers, you cant change two trains. you are not smart!"

"go vomit!"

"dont call her for help!!!!! no-one can help you, you are lame!!"

"you stink. you are ugly!"

"he doesnt love you. trust me. there is nothing to love with you. say goodbye. trust me."

"no-one likes you, no-one cares about you. people think you are the lamest. you are weird. you have no friends. ofcourse you dont, you are stinky and lame.you will die alone and no-one will ever love you, you dont deserve it!"

"stop crying you bitch. you have no reason to cry. you deserve it. dont sleep! i said dont sleep!"

"you are the most selfish person i have ever known. you have no soul and no heart. you are no-one! you selfish bitch!"


the voice in my head just didnt stop.
it tortured me for days, didnt let me eat, didnt let me sleep.
but i did call out for help anyway, i did call my friend and asked her to come over because i cant take it anymore and all i want is to puke. i needed help. I asked her to stay with me. i asked her to go to town with me. i cried with her. i called another friend in the middle of the night because i was losing myself. i was losing control.
i was awake all night, and next one too, and next one i slept for just two hours becaus ei had nightmare. i had a dream the whole town gather together and bullied me. called me fat, ugly and not worthy.
I had dreams about my father yelling at me how dumbass i am and how lame i am.
after few days i got so exhausted i was sure i will give in. i couldnt take it anymore.

but my friend was with me most of the time when it got hard, my boyfriend less last week, he had his stuff. i wasnt used to it so i was panicing and dramatizing. to one point, i had reason, but from a certian point on, no.
i was so down i dont remember when was the last one bulimia attacked me so much, i think it was in summer.

i told my friend i dont wanna go to london and when i told her why, she was just wtf? so she told me she will take me to the airport, if she wouldnt, i would never go to lonodon because bulimia was winning me.
another friend also kept calling me, making sure i am getting ready for london and not giving in, because that would make bulimia win. also my boyfriend did kick my ass and told me to go.

but i was telling them, i cant read numbers and i am not good with english, i cant read signs and i will end up in menchester. they all tried to shut me down with: "wtf, says a woman who traveled half of the world????"
my friend came pick me up and took me to the airport.
i felt good as soon as i arrived to the airport.
it felt right.
airports are always good signs and alsways feel good.
it is where i belong. I am child of the world. I am born to travel.
incredible feeling of freedom.
all went well. arrived to Luton, took bus to the trainstation, took train to the king's cross, took underground 8 stops, changed a line and made it to my friends. while waiting for her to meet me outside, i thought to my self: "jeez, i really CAN read numbers!"

Time with my friend was absolutely great. it was easy going and the a bt wild going, but however, it made me overthink less and i was pretty relaxed and present. i like my friend.
We had great time together.
i met situations when i thought i will die, like meeting 20 new people for new year, eating junk food and not eating regulary, sleeping little and drinking some alcohol. all those are no no for me, but i maneged to survive and all was good. i was able to voice my needs, i asked for food when i was hungry and i didnt drink when i didnt feel like.
once we had dinner outside and as proper london ppl we had hamburguer, and i couldnt finish it because bulimia was with me, calling me fat and lame again. but i stopped eating and told her to fuck off, that i am in london with my beloved friend and i am not willing to miss this time just because she (bulimia) has too much time. so we left and outside i felt better. we met one of her friends and i wasnt nervous much, just a little bit because this voice in my head was telling me he wont like me because i am lame, but my friend told me he will love me becaus ei am so cool.
on the street it happened ofetn that guys looked after me or said hi, looked at me and my friend would go: "aaah look at you, you got a blink!" and i was just like: "nah, it wasnt for me!"
such things make me sad.
not that i need flirting, but i just want to acknowlege the fact i am attractive woman and not ugly. and those guys were very well looking, they were stylish.

anyway after i survived everything and met all the people i was afraid to meet and it didnt hurt afterall, i had that feeling like: "i know my life just got better!"
but when took my finaly train to the airport and i felt pretty ok, i thought to myself:
"you know what, IN YOUR FACE BULIMIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

she thoughht she can play games on me....well she still can, obviously, but i am getting stronger, you bitch!!


more IN YOUR FACE, Bulimia!

woke up early, couldnt sleep, i got ill. made myself breakfast and read a book, then spoke to my boyfriend and then had snack (glass of orange juice and cereal wit milk) i also had pretty heatlhy lunch. then went to the post office and around and stoped by in the local shop and bought myself a flower for because i care about myself and a "lucky bamboo" because i am doing well with my rehab.
i just thought if someone else was on a rehab that i knew, i would love to make him feel special and appreciated and would pay a lot of attention on little thoughts. my boyfriend is like this, he always pays a lot attention on my progress and always gets me something little just so i dont forget my fight is appreciated.
and so today i am my own friend and gave myself a gift.
my bamboo is called Faith.
now I have three plants at home, Love Faith and Hope.
Love is an orchid i got from my boyfriend two years ago -  one evening, when i was at the toilet puking as usually, my phone rang. I ignored it, as usual. after few hours i had 12 missed calls from one number. i ignored and did some more puking. next day the same. then finally i answered the phone and the lady on the other side said: i have something for you, am outside your house. would you mind coming outside?"
for me?
what on the earth?
it was a beautiful, big orchid with a note from my boyfriend.
I named her Love.

i am very bad with plants, but love has been surviving very well. i take good care of her and i am so proud of her. then there is Hope. i dont know what kind of plant it is, but i got it from my friend for recovering. the plant got lice and was dying. but i cut everything off, just let some roots, and after few weeks it started growing again, so I named her Hope. and my lucky bamboo is called Faith because there is always faith i will recover. bamboo i bought myself is pretty big and healthy and it represents my recovery.

I got two more plants from my friends regarding to my rehab, but one friend was shit so i got rid of her plant, i believed energy was bad, and with the another friend we had fight and i killed the plant she gave me. (im good with my friend now but have no plant of hers lol)

I hate bad energy. if you dont mean good, just stay out of my life.

in your face, bulimia!!