Broken Family

.... and, it happened!

I didnt get very merry during this year christmas.
So sad.
It was expected, sure, but reality hurts anyway.
 After the whole week of really working on myself and getting ready for xmas, first day up here was ok, but then i realize i cannot leave today, because today is a holiday as well so i am staying here until tomorrow morning. and just this one extra day was too much.
I can be with my family one day only, more than one day equals disaster.
Woke up late this morning, worn out and sad realizing I am still at my parent place. I just love my bed, I have new mattress, perfect and my body really loves it, but my room really got very cold and it is kind of more warehouse than someones room...but like i said, mattress is perfect. my room has a story.
three years ago, my mom and dad decided to renovate my room, to get at least new bed in, and then i got some money and they said: "oh now you have money, so you can buy yourself a room!"  that was enough for me to buy new furniture. I spent loads of money on it and soon I realized they played me well and so i hated my new room. I would never sleep in my room, never used my bed. I dont know how come i am using it now, i guess i just care about myself much more and i find it important to rest well.
So yah, I love my bed.
let me go back to my point.
I woke up I think around 10 in the morning and went downstairs, no-one was awake but my father. we had a little chat in the kitchen and my anxiety eased a little bit. went out with my dog, taught her two new tricks and things were ok, until lunch.
Lunch time as usually represented society danger, all of us together: not good!!! Run if you can!!!
First my father, who spent the whole xmas in comuter room ignoring us and walked out of that room few times a day and just made a mess, jelled at someone and then went back, started yelling at my grandmother (his mother) how fat she is and how she is ruining her life with smoking and overweight. she obviously refused that fact and so the fight began. then my mom said: "dont say it, you are even worse!" and he said: "if you were a good wife, you would cook healthy food for me and you would never let me wat white bread since you know i am not aloud to eat white bread......"  and I cut in between and said: "Stop, guys, stop. i cant listen to you guys anymore. at least when i am here dont discuss that shit...all you do is just blame one another. you behave like a kid!" and he ofcourse freaked out: "shut up, just shut up, you think the whole world runs around you, well it doesnt. you think you are smart ass but the truth is you are just no-body. you are 26 and you are like 70, so sick all the time and not able to take care of your self, when i was your age i didnt know what the doctor is. stay away from my life and from what me and your mother have, im done with you, you smartass!"
and he slamed the door and left.
I ofcourse started crying, felt very hurt and i just couldnt believe it did happen after all.
The whole xmas time we tried very hard to stay away from eachother, our home was very sad. my brother and his girlfrend spent most of the day or in thir room or outside, my grandma was outside smoking, my mom was making food or keeping herslef somewhere safe and I was there, waiting for the family moment, because i am too pussy to say "fuck u all, i dont care" and as a good daughter I came here so the "family" will be completed. and i seemed to be the onlyone who cared.
my father who was always torturing us with the fact xmas is family holiday and would never let us breath during xmas time totally let us down, like i said he was stuck in a computer room and every now and then he would just roar out of that room and made us feel like shits.

It was actually quite a schock to realize how my family changed and how skilled they have become in avoiding eachother. thats how they live now. and I keep that memory in my head : "family together together together.........." fucking together, because if i am not part of it i dont love them, i dont respect them, i am careless....and after all these years they are just not together and just dont care.
Iwas really surprized I was the only one who cared.
seriously?????

They just dont care!

after my casual fight with my dad my mom and my brther both started telling me: "dont care, dont let yourself feel bad because of him. it is not worth it and it will not change anything. it is always the same so just let go. forget about it dont torture youself."
I told them: "but i do. i care all the time, i cant let go, i am overthinking all the fucking time, i never let go. that is my bloody problem, get it????"
they dont understand. they both heard my words but i think they couldnt understand why i still give a fuck!!
I have been fucking raised that way!!!!!
my mom a little bit let go with me since i am on a rehab, but stills he is very possesive and she wants me next to her all the time bcause that makes her feel better, i am her filter between her and him. when i am at their place they have less time giving shit to wone another. so my mom even wants me to be with her for new year (WTF?!?!?!?) because thats how she will have someone with her and she wont be alone facing her failed marrige. but at one point sometimes she honestly let go and understands i cant be with her.
but before my rehab and before my mom discovered the world of eating disorders (that she never explored very well) she gave a lot of shit to me, she did. she was possesive to the point when she would want me next to her all the time, i want aloud to visit my friend on a wheelchair for more than 45 minutes, she would call me to come home and if i wouldnt, she would whine and complain how disrecpectful i am and if i love my friends more i should just move in with them if i dont care about family at all. she would call me selfish and she would always get uspet when i went out a little bit, she wanted to know who i go out with and why!
there was no chance for me not to come over for a weekend, that wasnt an option. she would drag me up to this place but my father would yell at me all the time and not let me go back home on sunday eve for example. he would always yell at me how all normal people get up earlier on monday morning and drive backt to ljubljana. but i didnt want to. i wanted to wake up in my bed in ljubljana on monday morning.
we would never spent weekends together, never did anything together, just eating and fighting. thats it.
sometimes my mom and i would start talking while having a coffee but never finished it because she never had nerves for me. in the middle of the conversation (i admit, most of the time i would talk) she would just leave, sometimes to do the laundery, sometimes to make some calls. my brother hasnt been very active with "family" since he has this girlfriend and my father spent all the weekends in computer room and yelling at us. we just never had any family time.
i was always called up to their place just so they dont need to interact with one another.
and i cared so much. so much i would talke all their poblems, biinge them, chew them and puked them!
i did my job great.
I was always such an easy prey.

have been refusing all those years the fact my family sucks. that wasnt an option, i could nevr admit, no matter who told me it sucks.... but recently i started realizing.... you know what..... to be honest.....my family sucks!
talk to my father alone, he might be nice sometimes, talk to my mothr alone, she might be very cool but both together is such a mistake and such a disaster!!!!

we are not family. we are not nice with one another. we dont have unconditional love running among us. there is no warmth among us. we are cold. we are separate and we dont care.

I cant really describe with words my sadden emotions.
Po celem telesu cutim zalost, v glavi slisim kricanje, na skupne druzinske trenutke imam grenke spomine. Nic lepega me ne veze na njih, in se vsak let trenutek, ki smo ga uspeli preziveti skupaj, je bil unicen z necloveskim prepirom....bodisi zaradi mene ali zarada oceta ali zaradi mojega brata ali zaradi unicenega zakona. ce vprasas mojega oceta, sem kriva jaz. vedno to rece. jaz in moj tezak, nevzdrzen, neznosen karakter. moja trma in slaba volja, moj cuden stil obnasanja ali pa moji slabi, depresivni dnevi.....kriva sem.
ce vprasas mene, je kriva nesrecna kombinacija dveh teles ki sta se spravili skupaj za voljo dveh novih zivljenj.
imam trenutke, ko si mislim....nisem jezna. ce bi bilo bolj prijazni do mene n bolj razumljivi, bi mogoce obticala z njimi, tako pa sem nasla neko alternativo in sem tik pred tem, da svobodno zazivim svoje zivljenje. nevem, prevec sem se zmedena, da bi razumela. ne trudim se vec razumet, rada bi odmislislila in se posvetila le sebi, svoji druzini, svoji prihodnosti, svoji ljubezni, svojim potrebam, svojim cutenjem.
Sem kriva jaz? ok! sprejmem. kriva sem sama, ampak pustite me pri miru. pustite me ziveti po svoje! dajte mi mir.

Koneckoncev sem vesela, da sem ta bozic prezivela z domacimi, saj sem pomoje dokoncno dojela, da moja druzina ni sveta in je krneki. v tej druzini ni nobene lepote, in nobene topline.

I am going back to my roots.

[just thoughts]

I spent last three days totally indoor, in bed, with New Girl program, i got to finish both seasons and watched about 5 movies. I also did regular meditation, every morning and every evening, except today, today i told myself its ok. I also finished 2 100g chocolates but apart from that I ate very well, made myself healthy lunches except of mash potato and I had it three times this week. just that time when i love mash potato i guess. yesterday i cried and tuesday sucked as well, but other days were fine.
I feel chubby today, I am PMSing so i am very puffy. I try not to think it is because of being so lazy because i really need this rest!!!
I dont sleep well tho, there are always shitty things going on in my dreams.....mostly its about me being ugly.
my face is puffy too and so are my legs.
i understand also there is a lot of things opening up at the moment, I am having those huge flashbacks about my last christmas with my boyfriend and I am hating this time of the year.
I had a little bit angry issue today whle writing my "morning pages" ... i kind of snapped it because of my awful handwriting. voice in my head was eating me insideout, telling me i am getting worst i have ever been, telling me even my handwriting is becoming ugly.
I gave myself another day, tried hard not to worry about it today since i took day off-off! and tomorrow i will be more productive and hopefully will go for a long walk and shake my fat a little bit.
will be good so i get ready for xmas at my parents house and to avoid guilt trip.
I had one week of rsting now two weeks of exploring my nature! bring it on!!!

all good.
tomorrow i start slash continue with my regular yoga practice.
yes i did it. i emailed the studio and told them i will be there tomorrow at 630.
so exciting!!
really.
have tried so many times but never pressed SEND. I always discarded an email and promised myself i will do it at home. but i need kick ass. i need it. so tomorrow it is!!
pray for me i dont shit my pants and i actually go.

wip wip!!

(I hate) holidays time!

Since I was a little girl, christmas and ester were the worst times of the year.
I dont know whichone I hate more.
I remember my dad was home and my mom was working all the holidays, my dad was yelling at me when i didnt do things right and all the boring holiday days I spent watching winter sports on TV with my dad.
There was no joy and no take it easy and share love time.
the highlight of a day was always lunch or dinner, i dont remember us talking about anything fun, usually my mom and dad would have fight and after my dad finished his meal, he would just crash down on a couch and watch tv. next day maybe family would come visit, with more food included and less social experiance for me. I never liked it.
Everyone was busy with their families, no-one actually had time to listen to my whining how much i hate christmas.
Preps on christmas were always even more awful than actual christmas.
wake up call at 8.30 and list of "to do" things. so after breakfast my brother and i started cleaning up the house, but since i am the oldest one, i was responsible for everything. around eleven am my dad would walk around and just yelled at us how lazy we are and how he has to show us everything that needs to be done with his finger.
sometimes my father would try to fix something in our house and that was a nightmare. no-one wants my father to do anything, because he snaps it after 155 minutes of any handwork and just yells at us.
bad energy for the whole day.
i remember once i was about 8 or 9 and i was trying to stay awake for midnight church time and my brother and I had fashion evening. it was fun, we made our mom and dad laugh. but made my dad laughed only once, after one laugh it fun was over. he would just cut it off and asked us to get normal and serious and give him a break. then we needed to go to the church, which i always hated also, but needed to go. all the society went out partying and i needed to come home. next morning wake up call again and off to church, while my dad would spend time on computer. during the day mostly i wasnt aloud to hang out with anyone, it was FAMILY time (?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!) and it is extremely disrespectful to go out and hang out with friends on such a family holiday, how did i even dare to ask!!!
but our family time was never family time. it was always full of tears, yelling, bad mood, long faces, quietness....
a little bit of freedom i felt when i got my first serious boyfriend, at least one day we could escape to visit his family. but still needed to be there always!
my ex boyfriend and I faught a lot about it, because he never wanted to spent time with my family but i was always such a good girl who was there with (for) my mama and papa.
bullshit!!!!!
nightmare started when I broke up with my boyfriend and by all the rules of society i was suppose to spend xmas with my parents, but by that time, i was already kind of grown up so i understood more. joy for my bulimia. i believe i always ate more that any happy family together and vomited more than all those free people who partied hard on xmas.
and last year i got to escape.
i was in new zealand in a time of xmas and my boyfriend and i spent christmas at his parents place.
i for the forst time saw what family time means, how does it feel when you spend three days together all the time and no-one yells!!!!
i remember i set down on the stairs and just cried.
it was my first and only christmas i liked.
and this year i am not spending my winter break in new zealand and god help me on monday.
i am very depressed about it. very.
i dont know how will i make it.
i hate it!!!!!
I absolutely hate it!!!!
I hate christmas!!!!
here you go!!----------I fucking HATE christmas time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I bloody dont want to spend it with my family.
Such a sadness takes control over me when I am with them.
I hate it!!!!

I hate christams!!!!
yelling bells, yelling bells, yelling all the way ......

Merry Bloody Christmas Everyone!

guilt trip

here we go again.
I am in a need of spending time alone, placing things into places, rest, sleep, and keep in quietness, hang out when feeling like hanging out, making my own choices...
and so my choice of the day was to stay inside, have a nap, watch a movie and practice some yoga. i woke up pretty empty, grumy and off place, not feeling anything, so here we go...nap might help.
a phone call woke me up from my not that happy nap, it was my father. i answered the phone and he sounded pretty good, then he asked me about my plans and i couldnt give him an answer so his mood changed. and when he asked me if i am going to come to thheir place and again, i couldnt give him the answer, he changed his voice even more and with annoyed voice asked me what the heck am i doing all this time alone in ljubljana? Ihave three weeks off and if i think i will just stay in ljubljana in this whole for all three weeks?
like a little girl i started explaining what i am doing here. he wasnt happy with my answer at all and for the third time he changed his mood and just said: ok lets talk some other time. good bye.
and so he cancled the call.
and so now i am left with guilt trip.
my head is telling me: you are doing it wrong!!!!

Am I really doing it wrong?
what am I doing wrong?

I know I should go into my feelings now, but my body is dead, i cant feel anything, so i just pushed my emotions inside and letting the voice in my head preaching "you are doing it wrong!! you are all wrong!!"

Update

I have been up and down in last several weeks, there was no constant, so I am pretty exhausted and not suse what is coming up next.
I was way too busy at work, but happy about what I do tho. I was even prud of myself and I heard all the compliments I got from kids and parents. I can tell it was pretty happy life.
Since i have no car at the moment, i was taking bus and to my surprise, I didnt dislike it. I realized how life goes by much slowlier than if i run it. it takes me 50 minutes to come home, but I got to leave all the worries on the bus, when i came home it was just me and my happy body, i did a lot of dancing and a lot of fun stuff.
But then there was friday, the day when winter break started, and I collapsed.
All of a sudden I had lots of time and my mind hot mental. I was suppose to go to africa on saturday, but i mentaly wasnt ready, so I let my people in ug know i am coming week later.
but i wasnt calm with this decision. it didnt bring any peace. something inside was shouting: "no, dont go! its not going to be good for you once you come back. stay at home and take care of yourself. take time, slow down your life and absorb everything you have learned so far. since rehab you had no time on your own. now is that time. go back to yoga, meditate and treat yourself special. write book and stay in peace. make little trips to london but most of all, take it easy. sleep lots and eat good food."
the thought was getting louder and louder and so did the feeling of guilt everytime I agreed with my thought.
"No, you will be fine. just go. you will survive. they are waiting for you, dont let them down.!"
i spoke to few of my friends and to my boyfriend about my emotional confusion, and most of them adviced me to stay at home and use the need of selflove for the sake of my life.
My doctor told me it should be better for me to stay at home, and stay away from my parents and just work work work on myself. she told me it is very dangerous for me to not listen to myself. She reminded me I will be finie while my stay in africa, but the consequences might be lethal once I am at home.
She told me I might get sick for few months and all the good health that I have gained so far might be gone and my life wouldnt be assured. I am still crousing among those five years, where I can literally die if i dont do things right.
So yesterday I kind of have decited I am staying at home and dedicate my free time to myself only.
I am not sure whether I will change my mind of not, but at this point this is my decision. 
I feel terrible for letting my people down, but as my doctor said: it is about letting them down or letting myself down. 
I think I chose life and for the first time in my life i am trully ready to save myself, not the world.
The decison was brutally hard to make, still not made completely I guess. it took me weeks and weeks of endless time, days and sleppless nights.
In one minute i believe it is good for me not to go but in very next minute i am looking for tickets.
also financial I am not very rich at the moment and my boyfriend and I are having quite lots of costs with him moving over, and I am done for a while with financial crisis...i have been living on the edge for the whole life of mine and i feel its time i just relax a little bit and maybe finaly get myself a nice city bike and spend some money on yoga classes and on my so-badly-wanted-camper shoes.
it feels like that was the biggest decision of my life.
I feel like no matter how I choose, my life is about to change for ever.
and i wanna live, i wanna have healthy relationship with my boyfriend, which i cant have if i am emotionaly disturbed. I wanna be his wife and good mother to my children, a mother kids can rely on her. I wanna feel life.
I havent felt life for so long. I have moments when i realize i am alive but most of the time i am totally disconnected from this Life.
emotionaly and phisicly I am not connected, and havent been conected for the whole life (apart from 2 years of my life inbetween when i was fighting with cancer thingy).
my mind has been having control over me  for ages.
I feel very small comparing to my mind.
i am trying to meditate a lot now, i am practicing so called focus meditation, and my body is my focusing target. it is what my doctor wants me to do and what i do during my therapies with my doctor just in less spiritual way, so this is what i do now. for thiskind of meditation it is the best if you lay down on the floor (bed is too comfortable and traditional meditating possition is not that good because of your legs crossed)
and first you take few deep breaths and then each thoughts in your mind you gently send into your body....stay inyour body, feel things. as soon as mind starts working again, just go back to your body.
feelings are usually hard to take and often make you cry, feel fat, feel stoned....but this is all coming out from yuor foor neglected body.
i still struggle a lot and often dont feel anything and my mind is wild. it is hard for me to conect feeling in legs with feelings in my upper body...but i am getting there. do it three times a week. body has so much to tell you and in your body there is the whole truth and all the answers you are so badly looking for.

I am trying to be better person now, trying to pay more attention to life, to the feelings, to healthy eating habits ets...
i am trying not to rush that much and take more time to become aware of my body....I am trying to walk down the street very slowly and try to feel each step. when dressing up, i am trying now to feel my fingers buttoning up my coat and so on.

I dont really know who I am.
I know, it is a big question, but it happens to me everyday when walking trough the town that I dnot know where i am...is this slovenia?is this ljubljana? who i am? how do i look now? how am i dressed today? am I walking or dreaming? dreaming? is this real? is this me? my life? is this a movie? who am I?

i also thinkn slowly i understand how huge problem eating disorders are and i can tell i left all the peoplel behind. there is no-one who understands why i am still on a rehab (my boyfriend tho), they dont follow me any longer. I am walking my path alone now and i can see it clearly.
it is not that people dont care but all of it is too much for them. they asked me all the questions already, they helped me the way they could but now they have nothing to give anymore.
i have a few close friends who try hard to keep up with me but i cant tell most of the time they dont understand me. some of the decisions would be easy to make for them, but i spent weeks and weeks on deciding what to do. i think they cant really understand why is that. 
oh anyways.

The other day on saturday my parents were coming home from one week vacation, and my mother called me they will pick me up at my place and take me to their place over the weekend. I told her i am not going because i am tired and because i want to sleep and stay in quitness. she told me i can do all of it at their place as well. i told her i cant. she was upset and hung up on me. after few minutes i got the txt message saying: "I want you to go with us, you will rest at our place, i dont want you to be alone. i will take you back to ljubljana on monday if you need to be back!"
when i read that msg, i kind of snaped it,s tarted crying like a kid, screaming "i dont wanna goooooooo!" but while collapsing I was packing my stuff. 
she exactly knew what to say so i will go with them.
I could clearly see how she manipulated me.
she even sent me a txt msg because i am sure my father would say :"leave her, if she doesnt want to go now!" and she fears from him so she played the quite game and set all up like i made up my mind to go. i couldnt stop crying i felt like i was kidnaped. all the life and light was gone. Pff, GONE! 
i didnt feel anything but endless saddnes! i felt sorry for myself and i felt sorry for being that weak.
I spent two days with no life withing, no words to say, now energy to move my body....nothing was left. nothing!!! after two days of emotional time at their place i got confused again.....what if they are great parents and never did anything wrong, and it is trully just me who fucked up all the things. i better forgive them.

i told my doctor about my forgiving plan yesterday and she strongly disagreed with me!
no! this is the part every hurt child would love to do. forgive, and everything will be ok. but they havent taught you basic life values, you grew up in a woman who hates her self, blames her self for everything, has no selfesteem and think she is ugly!! they should teach you how to respect yourown self on basic level, how to take care of yourself and how to be proud of yourself. they didnt do their job well. they are manipulating you for their own good feeling! they dont respect your needs, they dont respect you. for them it doesnt matter how you feel, if you need time on your own, that doesnt matter for them, they want you next to them and period... they are not letting you be on your own because you need it. they dont respect you. they love you, because they are your parents but they dont respect you and your needs at all. they are not heling you with your rehab at all.

painful truth. my parents are toxic parents.

my mom even tells me she is afraid i will hit another road and get anorexic, becaus ei am losing weight. and more often i ask her not to comment my weight, more she comments. i told her i am losing weight because I gained lots of it before and my body was poisoned and now its getting healthy and recovering. I eat 5 times a day, eat healthy and thats why i am losing weight and with telling me i might me anorexic eventully she only showes me how she doesnt trust me and how she wants to control me.

oh well, when i start talking about my parents, i remember i used get really pissed of, but now, i feel guilty.

buggers.

what the fuck is going on?