What if all is just a dream?

Still dealing with "I am fat! I am ugly!" mode.
So tired of it.
I dont know where did the good feeling go??
I remember having it.
Cant stop myself from comparing myself to other women, of course to the skinny ones. In my head I quietly make plans how to eat less, how to train more and how to lose all the fat on my body.
I havent seen my friends in weeks now, again. They keep poking me and txting me, telling me they miss me and asking me to catch up, but I have no strength and no will to hang out.
I simply cant.
Most of the day I spend wondering how to change my ugly self, spend it on planning diets, spend it infront of the mirror, crying while looking at my fat stomach.
I spend time on counting calories and cutting meals off, thinking about the lightest dinner and the lightest snacks for the next day.
Then I eventually drop it and fall asleep.
I dream bad, dream people preach to  me why I dont keep the diet, why I eat lunch, why I dont shave my legs everyday, why I dont jog, why I dont meditate, why I dont practice yoga daily ....??? why why why.
all my deepest thoughts come out. I wake up, not knowing what day it is and continue living life on a energy low mode.
I dont even know how I actually feel. Well, way way better than two months ago, but still far from how I am aiming to feel int he future.

I am afraid am I am falling into manic mode, shutting myself down from the outside world, spending all the free time thinking about food and not feeling comfortable about myself.

I have been so good, appreciated my progress and my body, then dark times came across ...
I dont respect my body at this stage, am making fun of it.
I am afraid to put my jeans on because I believe I have gained some weight and would literally lost it if I realize I actually have gained weight.
But if I dont touch my jeans, I dont pay much attention on how I look....so I just put some random clothes on and head into the world. Not fun!
Dnt want it. I knew I have been better, Only couple of weeks ago.

It might be that all is fine, all good and its only my sick mind making up some stories. It might be all is fine and is just me, lost a connection with my inner self.

Yah, maybe everything is ok and it is just my  stupid sick mind making fun of me. teasing me and testing me.
fuck you.

What if none of it is real?
what if all is just a dream?
A terrible nightmare.
What if I will wake up and there will be no bulimia, no selfhate, no doubts and no depression?
What if I am just normal average person, and yah, all this is just a nightmare.
well, it is a nightmare, can someone please wake me up.
Im losing my temper I  am tired of doubting in myself all the time and tired of comparing myself with others all the time.
my poor body suffers therefore!
I am losing my mind literally comparing myself to others.
Cant take it any more, wanna live in peace, believing am good enough.
I should be good enough.

I am currently working in quite safe space, I have good rewarding job, I have my disease under control a bit, I am doing better..... but still dont have it enough??
sure I dont, am one of the fattest people I get to meat on a daily bases.
All of them s thinner.
And all of them are older than me and have children and all of them look amazing. I look awful.
I do have my reason why bulimia.

I am not as beautiful as others.
I mught be nicer person with deeper stories, but I am bigger, so nthing else matters.

Today, during lunch time, some teachers talked about ED. Each of them knew at least one girl with anorexia, but non with bulimia.
They discussed about anorexia, how person with anorexia chooses not to eat so at least something in her life is under her control...pretty much true. then one said: bulimia is that one with bulimia loves food, enjoys the food.
 FAIL!
BUlimia has nothing to do with enjoying the food. At least for me I can tell food for me doesnt have any taste and any shape. Its just  a shot.

I was kind of hurt when I heard her saying that, I dont even know why I felt hurt and probably didnt have any reason to feel hurt, but i felt like "oh my fucking god, people believe we are pigs, fat people!" well, we indeed are pigs, but in my world its a crime to admit or say you enjoy the food. you always say you arent hungry, you eat healthy, you eat little and   yah, never ever admit you eat more than bird can eat.
and someone saying you like food is like telling you !"you fat bastard you are not able to control your self. liking food is a sign of weakness!!!"

Well, I really wished today I wouldnt have ED!
And I wish I could scream "stooooooooop talking about Eating Disorders!!!! you have no idea what ED is!!!!!!!!!"

anyways, will be good, just need to relax and try jeans on again.
I might realize I havent gained any weight and all is good.

Please, depression, If you are about to come, dont. stay away for couple of more months, I dnt need you now, need to enjoy the sweetness of my so-far-recovery.

back on living safe!

Nadaljujem serijo pozresnih dni.
Ravno sm se vrnila iz pekarne in se nazrla s petimi rogljicki in dvema polnozrnatima zemljicama in enom sadnim jogurtom.
Vceraj je teta praznovala 50 let in od 6pm do 2am smo samo sedeli in jedli.
Tako da to objavo pisem samo zato, da se resim debele krivde.
Trije tedni konkretnega hranjenja so za namo.
sicer vem, da sm se zelo dobro drzala, se vedno nisem jedla niti za odtenek toleiko kot nekaj mesecev nazaj, ampak vseeno, nebi se rada zapletla v zacaran krog in rada bi ohranila svojo novo postavo.
Napisala sm si seznam, jedilnik in strogo dieto, pa bi se je rada resila, nocem na dieto, samo rada bi nadaljevala s tem, kar sem imela pred temi tremi tedni.
nocem se zredit, sploh ne zdj, ko pride fant na obisk.
torej, ne jutri, ampak ta trenutek si postavljam novo pravilo....nimam vec vstopa v pekarno!
kupovanje rogljickov je postalo prelahko, brez slabe vesti in nekontrolirano.
Temu delam konec v tem trenutku.
ce sem uspela se nekaj dni nazaj dost spravit k sebi i se znebit odvecne hrane v stanovanju, ce sem se lahko resila tablet in odvajalnih sokov, se lahko drzim tudi novega pravila: no more bakery!!!
nimam vstopa v pekarno, pac bom mal vec placevala za kruh in ga kupovala v trgovini, jebes, bolje to, kot pa da podpiram pekarno s svojimi sibkimi odlocitvami.
tega nocem, srecnejsa sem, ce imam hrano pod nadzorom.
uspela bom, dobro mi gre.
utrujena sem in zaspana, nisem spala prejsnjo noc, zato sem verjetno podlegla.
boli me trebuh in pocutim se slabo. tega nocem.
hocem nazaj dobit tisto nekaj samozavesti, za katero tako garam!
POSKRBELA BOM ZASE in se postavila zase pred to grozno bulimijo.
tega mi ni treba.
vredu sem.
komaj cakam jutri, da se zbudim in zacnem lahek dan.
cutim, da sem na robu, in nebi rada popolnoma podlegla.
se se lahko resim.
bojim se, da ce se to ne konca ta trenutek, bom se predno se bom zavedala, v lekarni zapravljala za odvajala.
nocem nazaj!
nocem nazaj!
nocem nazaj!
ja, verjetno res ni pomembno kolko tehtam, ampak vseeno, nocem se zredit nazaj, tiste osebe ne maram prevec.
tudi ta ima nekaj odvecnih kg, ampak vseeno se mi pozna na celolitu, ni ga vec toliko, in zgubila sem cca 4-5 cm.
tako naj ostane.
nocem na nobeno dijeto, hocem samo nazaj dojet, da je hrana nevarna za mene in da se moram pac mal potrudit in si ne prevec zaupat.
nazaj na: nic sladkarij mode.
cokolada v mojih ustih mora bit v mojih ustih samo iz nujnega razloga, ko mi sladkor res res pade--
se tri tedne nazaj sem ponosno pisala, kako lahko zivim s cokolado v hisi cel teden, zdj jo maznem brez ovir.
strah pred cokolado/sladkarijami naj pride nazaj.
vesela sem, da se uspevam kontrolirat in se poskusam razumet, skusam razumet situacijo in jo resit, da se ne redam in ne recem jebi ga, pac jem. ne, to ni varno v mojem primeru in ja, se petic v eni objavi si recem.....grem nazaj na stare tire, tako kot je varno zivet zame.

Im gone living safe!
bye

Moje telo!

eh te dni, sploh ne stejem vec, ampak mislm da je ze 14 dni, res ne skrbim lepo za svoje telo.
Vsak dan se mi zdi da pojem najvecje kosilo v tedni, in vsak dan je moje telo vecje.
Dans sm oblekla eno obleko in po treh korakih mi je zlezla do popka, 14 dni nazaj pa sm ravno zarad te obleke ponosna stala pred ogledalom in si misla: poglej me, nic vec se ne redim, ko bi le ostalo tko.

Pocutim se ogromno, ceprou dvomim, da sm se lahko tolk zredila v tko kratkem casu, vseeno sm bla zlo aktivna in nism jedla sladkarij. nevem kaj se je zgodil, ampak grda sm si.

Zadnjic sm sicer razmisljala, kolk groze sm ze svojemu telesu povzrocla. Fizicno sm ga unicevala vsa ta leta in ne samo to, zadel me je, da je se vecja skoda bla povzrocena z mojimi sovraznimi mislimi.
Bogo telo, tolk ma za predelat, pol ga pa se jst zmerjam, da je grd in debeu, pa ubistvu sam ni nikol biu nc kriv.
Na cesti nebi sla nikol zmerjat debelega cloveka "poglej se, debeluh ogaben, nic nisi vreden, zguba si!"
a to sama seb delam konstantno vsak dan.

vsako jutro mam jutranji pregled v ogledalu, nikol ga ne opravim pozitivno. nevem, ce se bom sploh naucila kdaj, da je zivljenje VELIK vec od ravnega trebuha pod majico.
Tko sm omejena na te kile, da bog pomagi ampak res sm zabita.

Ujeta sm med obcutkom naklonjenosti zivljenju in sovraztvu do svojega telesa.
Moja rit je ogromna te dni, in ne, ne dramatiziram, res sm se zredila ene 5 kil.
moj obraz je grozno grd. ogabna sem.
res sem.

borim se po svojih najbolsih moceh, saj je od moje borbe odvisna moja prihodnost, ampak spet sem telo- tempelj zamenjala za telo-smetnjak!
dans sm se nazrla, jao kr po tekocem traku sm sal...najprej spraznla doma vse pol pekarna in pol trgovina!
grozno me boli glava, ker sm dehidrirana in nazrta.
nism lepa-

kadila sm. se pivo sm spila, zato da sm lazi smokije jedla.
res sm smetnjak.
pa mi ni vsec.
morm rect, da mi je grozno bolj vsec, ko si ga uzamem na izi in ko negujem svoje telo, ko se ne pocutim debelo in ko se ne basem.
dobr se pocutim, ko nimam nc hrane doma, tko da sm to napako ze popravla....pojedla sm vse lol kar pa nism, sm pa vrgla stran.

back to normal!!!
drzim pesti sama zase.
namest da bi se potrudla zase, ker mi je blo ze par dni nazaj jasno, kam vodi moje pritozevanje, in poskrbela zase, sm nardila kontra....nazrla sm se.
brez zadovoljstva, brez veselja, z istim obcutkom, ko sm ga mela vs cs ko je bulimija najbolj divjala: "samo se dans se nazrem, od jutr naprej bo vse drugac!"
fuck it.

FAIL!!! big fail.
trudim se gledat na vse kot na 14 dni prostega hranjenja in da sm to pac rabla, da bom sla zdj nazaj na svoj ritm.
to mi pomaga, ce sm nezna do svojega telesa, pol nisem tolk besna.

uspela sm mal pospravit stanovanje, da ne omenjam, da je blo zlo razmetano te dni.
ja seveda, jst sm solski primer teorije : nered v sobi, nered v glavi!!!

zdj postavljam stvari nazaj na svoje mesto, mogoce sm pa res rabila 14 dni prostega hranjenja.
slabo mi je od gledanja vseh teh hudih mamic na cesti, k majo vozicek za otroke do 5.meseca pa so cist koscene in stylish! aaaaaaaaaa make me feel sick!!!! jst sm pa tak smetnjak!!!!!
sm ze nardila mir s sabo, da so celebrities pac fotoshopirani, ampak ne, mene te pred mojim nosom motjo.
ma ja, verjetno je vec ko pol teh hudih mamic fuknenih u glavo in glede na to, da sm mal samozavesti regarding to my life experiences dobla, si upam rect, da tut v primerjavi z mano nimajo za burek, ampak vseen, kako so lahko tko spedenane in tko hude. jst sm tak fail.
tut moje cunje so na men ko da sm jih na rdecem krizu dubla, tko se pocutm.
bedna sm cela kr en kiks od boga!

sploh nevem kaj se je zgodil, pa tko dobr mi je slo.
res da zdj delam vec in da sm cist zjebana vsak dan po sluzbi, pa konc lacna skoz, ampak vseen, kr neki krat sm pomesala vse obroke po 1h in sm kr neki random jedla.
joj, morm it nazaj na svoj ritm.
drzim pesti sama zase, da me ne bo zagrabl dans tole vse skupi vn vrzt, ker sm ze pomisla na to, pa sm za enkrat se mocna dost. NE BOM BRUHALA!!
nesmem podlegnt.
pac, moj bogi trebuscek je ogromen in moja rit je debela.
joj, ko bi bli vsaj hormoni in bo cez kak dan minil, bom uplahnla, racunam na to, ampak vseen mam slabo vest, ker sm tak smetnjak!!!
smeti sm!!!

pa nims neki blazno zafrustrerana te dni, nimam nekih velkih problemou, tut z domacimi se ne slism vsak dan: God bless it!!!!!!!!!!!!! feels sooooooooooo fucking good!!!
nevem, popustila sm.

moje telo je grdo in nazrto, koza je grda in bleda, suha in zgarana, moj obraz je star in prazen, grd.

ampak vseeno je to moje telo, telo, ki preboleva bulimijo, telo, ki se zdravi, telo, ki me nosi po svetu. Telo, ki vzburja mojega fanta, telo, ki objame otroka, telo, ki se ne boji. to je moje telo, k bi moglo bit moj telmpelj, moj najboljsi prijatelj in moje zavetje, jst pa se tko spravljam na njega!

rada bi rekla: oprosti, drago telo! pa nemorem, ne morem si oprostit, da je vsaka povprecnica lepsa od mene.
in ko cutim tak odpor do svojga telesa, nism niti neki zlo izvirna s stilom, in sm se bl kr neki.
fuknena sm.
res sm kr ena.
polna nekih ugank in nekih nepotrebnih bednih zagrenjenih ovir v glavi.
sama seb nism dost.
pa koga briga, kako zgledam, sej valda nism tolk grda ku mislm.
to je moje orozje, moj plan b- moja resilna bilka....nism tolk grda ko mislm da sm.

ko jebe vse, ne da se mi ubadat, kul sm.
grem prpravt rebalans.
dost mam jamranja.
grem se sprjaznt s tem da sm zavozila v dveh tednih in poiskat dovolj moci, da se opravicim svojim ledvicam, k me ze kr dost svinsko bolijo, pa zazelet si grem sreco, za uspesno nadaljevanje  hranjenja, kakrsnega sm imela zdj par mescev.

moje telo..

...looks like this in my mind at the moment:

oh well.

cutm napredek v odnosu do sebe v glavi, pa se se vedno borim s to ogabno podobo v svoji glavi.

en moment sm ok sama s svojim telesom, naslednji moment ga zmerjam in dajem v nic, ker pac ni suho. jezna sm na svoje telo, pa mi ne potegne, da ni nc krivo, da je kriva moja bulimija v glavi.

trudim se razmislat drugac, razmislat, da sm ok taka ko sm, in da mi je bog dau pac tako podobo, in da verjetno sploh ne zgledam slabo, ampak ne, men to ni dost, ce majo ostali lih drobne noge, jih mam lahko tut jst!! nocm bit taka ko sm!

grda sm taka ko sm!

cudno mi je, ker zdj vidm, kako je tako razmisljanje pogojeno s hranjenjem. 

ce jem po malo, redno in zdravo, jst nimam tezav s sabo. spostujem svoje telo dovolj, da jem pocasi, jem po malo in jem kar telo potrebuje. to sm zdj ful lepo delala neki mescev, a evo ti boga, dva tedna zdj sm sam vrgla vase kar sm si prpravla, goutala sm tist futr in v mislih stela kalorije, pikica misli pa mi je uhajala k drugemu obroku.

prekrsla sm vsa pravila povezana s pekarno in trgovino.

v pekarni sm vsakic (!) kupla en al pa dva roglicka, na pumpi vedno en tviks, v trgovini pa desertne jogurte in mastno salamo.

god, give me strength to go back to where I was last few weeks.

i really wanna do it!

no, vsaj vem kaj mi bolj sede, zdj me je samo strah, da ne bom uspela zbrat dovolj moci in se ne bom uspela ustavit, in se bosta ta dva tedna zavlekla v dva meseca, to bi bla res nesrecna.

pac, jst se ne morem it nekih normalnih scen, nemorm se primerjat z normalnimi ljudmi, ampak se moram drzat svojih strogih pravil, drugace je po meni.

joj ta samogovor me samo mesa.

bolj ko si skusam dopovedat, da je vse ok in da nism nc zajebala, da bom ze jutr nazaj na svoji strani, bolj se mi oglasa glas v glavi: "bullshit, poglej svoj trebuh. poglej rit.!"

zadnjic sm bla v stanju mediterat zutri in yogo narest, ma kolk mi je blo zakon, bom probala dans to svinjarijo sprat iz sebe nekak in se nakulerat.

vse je ok!

I need that faith.

I need that faith!!

LIFE!

Somehow I made it to the crossroad and my life took totally another direction!!
I am so excited to see what it will come up with.

Had a girl over for a visit, that now I can call a friend, and my life changed.
Amazing part of it is we met in Korea and spent quite short time together, she was traveling from australia and I traveled from New Zealand. Travel freaks we aim for one goal: next destination!
And so I invited her to come visit me in slovenia, she said she will and so how we became friends on facebook.
One day she asked me if I am free such and such weekend and I said yes.
Big part of me didnt believe we will get together, if nothing else, I will cancel a meeting.
I remember a moment when I met her, she was so bohemic and type of people that get my attention straight away... my people, gypsies!
Her style was free and her energy was just so strong, I felt like a shit infront of her. but next morning she joined me and Dave, who I also met in Korea, for breakfast. we were talking hours and hours and more I got to know her, more I liked her and I remember telling myself: oh if only I was like her. Everyone must love her and she must have an amazingly free life. she was one of those people that I find interesting, and not many of them get my attention. I felt like a little pussy, zero comparing to her.
Next day we took different directions and no-one knew if we will hear again.
When made it home, we added eachother on a facebook and kept intouch on weekly bases. At that point, I was connected to Dave more, as we shared bigger life stories during a lunch together. We were surprised we both are junkies. well, he has been clean now for 5 years and I am still on a rehab. He was addicted to drugs. He also traveled from oz, he has daughter in Sydney. Actually all three of us met with strange stories, we werent everyday traveler.

days before she came, I felt odd and didnt know whether I am excited about seeing her or not. three days seemed so long at that point but closer to the due day, I got more and more excited because all seemed like I will not cancel the meeting.
And so she arrived, I picked her up at the airport. Loved the way she looked, her amazing black dress, her hair and her attitude.
From minute one on, we never got quite. Shared life stories and had a lot a lot of fun together. I felt like we know eachother for ages.
I dont remember last time feeling that way. i was so soooo alive and life was real.
I felt how my body is getting re-filled with the most beautiful energy, my mind was getting re-inspired and my life was changing. I felt it strong!!
LIFE!
I thought!! oh my.
Life is something so big.
Look at that.....
in the middle of the world I crashed into a girl taht i found so interesting and that very much the same girl is now in my apartment, sharing her joy with me, her stories and her life.
I just opened my self up and so did she.
Constantly she was saying how beautiful person I am and at one point she said: "look at you. when one sees you for a first time would never believe you have such issues to deal with regarding to your energy, but you went trough cancer, recovering from bulimia and look at you, you do all with that big smile on your face and with such a great attitude!! Amazing. Not many can do that!!"
I still cant absorb those words and still feel odd, but would lie if I said I am not thinking about her words.
Looking at her, somehow she reminded me of myself, but i loved her personality.
Then I thought....who you hang out with is who you are. and people in your life are reflex of your thoughts and of your actions. of your life and of your self, actually!

That is me.
I am one of those people.
I understand life and things make sense. Amazing!!!
I am feeling fulfilled!!
I am having that strong believe that certain people come into your life with certain purpose and the power of karma is just amazing thing.
I must had been a good person before so I am living this way now.

It is so easy. random things are things that make life interesting and that make sense.
Need to be brave and free. you chose. it is all the matter of your choices and all is in your power.
If you are miserable, change it, you can.
IN any moment, you can take another direction.
Choose!!!

There is life out there! I see now there are still people that inspire me and make me grow. There are still people interesting enough to me. Out there, behind the border, there is life  I love and life I understand. Life, I belong to!

Life indeed is the most amazing thing that will ever happen to you! at least its the best thing that happened to me!
I am loved and I love, I am inspired and I inspire, I am encouraged and I encourage!
Bulimia is just another great thing that happened to me.
Without bulimia, i wouldnt be who I am, and with no me the way I am and have always been, my life wouldnt be as great as it is now, of that I am sure because at this point, I am happy!

It is amazing to see myself getting better and it is amazing to see myself waking up!
Feeling and be!

At the end of the day, I am better than i was yesterday and a day before.
I am better person than I was.
I am leaving the option I am not the ugliest and lamest person open.
I am not!

I can live and people like me!
yes they do.
It is me who let the door open or who build walls.
I am breaking the walls down.

LIFE!I love you! And thank you for loving me back!! ♥

Dangerous food.

Aint I good?
Breakfast at 7, snacks at 10, lunch at 1, snacks at 5, dinner at 7.
Victory?!
Some people congrat me, some people ask me how I do it?
well the truth is I struggle with food more then ever before. Before, the plan was clear: binge!! starve!! thats it. now I need to make my self believe I will be fine if I dont binge and so will I be fine if i dont starve mybody.
I never believe but for some reason, things did change and I believe a change in my pretty much vegetarian  diet was the biggest break trough on my recovery way.
During my stay in NZ, I started eating meat. And so I could make myself a lunch that didnt make me vomit.

Next time I made pasta for lunch I ended up binging and purging, because pasta in my world doesnt mean easy dish, it means boil 500 g of it and binge it! the same I noticed with potato and rice. Rise have never been a food for me, I hate rice,  and because I cant stand it, i used it for puking. Especially milky rice was a jackpot. Just as Rafaello and Rum coconuts, and Cokolino and Croissants..... if you give me 6 croissants I will finish all 6, if you give me a box of cokolino, I finish box of cokolino. I better not see any cake around as cake means: finish it, no matter the amount. same with Nutella. If you give me a big jar of nutella, I finish it.
still so.

And I learned a trick quickly. Simply I need to withdraw all the food that means binging and purging in my world! ALL of IT!!!!!!
Asked my family to help me, well then only heard me up with pasta and rise, now they dont make me eat it and they are fine with me having a piece of bread instead or just nothing. they still buy lots of sweets and there is always nutella at home.
But since I moved in alone, I simply dont keep any food at home.
I only have bread for breakfasts, butter/jam, couple of tuna cans and some milk for morning coffee and the other day I bought some cereals. Thats it. no fruits, no pasta no rice no potato no sweets, when I need food for lunch, I go to the store and buy it, but usually that would be chicken meat, chicken soup, tuna, some vegies. I dont remember eating anything else at home lately. Sometimes I buy some salami or bring some other meat per-prepared from visiting my parents.

Every time I go to their place, and there is all kind of food all the time, I am in hell. It still feels like a free heroin, and I still grab nutella after lunch, still grab sweets and eat them in the bathroom so noone sees me, still steal cold food that is left from family lunch as my eyes didnt get full from stake only...... I fail every single time that the dangerous food is around.
I bless myself I am able to stay away from all the food when I am at home (my apartment).
But today, i crossed the limit.
In my apartment area there is a pharmacy, bakery and 3 stores.
I have some rules.
pharmacy: no entrance!!!!!!
Bakery: bread only!!!!!
store:  ingredients I need for meal.
so in any moment I exactly know what I need from each building, nothing else.
but today, after work, I stopped at the bakery to buy some bread I ran out of it, and I thought to my self I should buy a croissant for dinner. ok. not big deal. then i thought I should buy one for tomorrows snacks at work. I believed myself that will work but I was wrong.
I finished both of them. and I knw If I'd had one more, i'd finish that one two.
that is so pity.

I counted calories I had today and I didnt cross 1200 and most of the food was healthy.
but that was a red alarm for me.
why I broke a rule: nothing but bread from bakery?????
I have been eating lots, actually more, these days. I do have period, but not that much food is needed although  I have those days.
I try to think the way: i apparently need more food these days, its ok, I ll go back to normal (whatever that is) soon!! when ready.
but its not that easy.
I am feeling the fattest and the ugliest because of that extra food I have eaten.
I can not stand myself int he mirror and I feel like a mother of four that has no time to take care of herself.
My legs are gigantic and my face is so ugly.
that is dangerous. I feel like I gained weight, tho when I put on some jeans I have, nothing shows I have gained any weight. Its just my sick mind.
the image in the mirror is so fat.

So I better re-make a list of the food I am NOT ALLOWED to keep at home and eat it any way or SEE it..
ALL (!!!) this food means only two things: FINISH ME - THROW ME UP!!!
I have no limits.

Nutella =  empty the jar
all kinds of pasta = final pukeeeee!!!
rice = opening pukeeee!!!!
milky rice  =  Pukee now!
diary   =  open the stomach and feel sick.
potato  = mean wile snack that blows you and make you binge.
nuts  = puke!!
friut  = blow the body and feel sick
plane chocolate  = finish it!!!
pralines = finish them as fast as u can and start binging.
Cokolino = finish it, half now half in 5 minutes, feel sick!
croissants = never buy less than 6, finish them all and feel guilty.
any sweets = finish them, start binging.
tablerone = kick start
rum kokos  = kick start vol.2
cake = finish all!!!! binge.
salami  = vomit
cheese  = make as many sandwiches as you need to finish the cheese
cramy soups  = vomiting while starving
milky souces  = puke
rafaello = finish, binge, puke

...................some food makes me vomit some food makes me eat more and some just make me sick. the list goes on and I am not safe with any food around.
No bulemic is.

Moving on ..

Last couple of days have been very calm.
I was in a strange peace. Well, is not that Im complaining but still, odd.
I wasnt super ok or anything, I actually struggled a lot, but somehow did manage it peacefully.
Only weekend was hard again though, I went up to the mountains, visited my family and again, everything was wrong. I was wrong. The way I cut my hair was wrong, the clothes I wore were wrong and my attitude was wrong. Now all of them ate me like wild animals.
Mom snapped it when she saw me wearing the black skirt over my pants, and also i wore black top. That day, we were about to get visits, and she was irritated with my style.
She asked me to get changes as I wont make a good impression on my auntie and uncle. I was just what the fuck?!?! I dont give a fuck what they will think about me, if they find me lame because of my style....well, who cares. If they wont respect me the way I am, they wont respect me even if I wear nicer clothes. anyways I had a big fight with my mother. She cried "oh cmon, we have been trying for so long to make you change yourself but you just dont break trough!" whaaaaaaaaat!!!!
I told her I by now, they should know I dont dress up the way I do to screw them over but because I like it that way, and I tried lots to "be normal" with them around and it only made me lose my self even more. And as I am on a rehab, I am working hard on accepting my own self the way I am and I dont wanna hide any more behind a woman I am not. I want to wake up in the morning and just be fine with myself. period. I am not changing anything!!!!" I was so upset.
As a fight went on, I realized I better drop it, because I will not reach her.
So I took my skirt off and threw it away. My mom was just like: "oh no you dont need to throw it away!"
Really????? dont bullshit me. if i dont need to throw it away what to do with it then? wear it and fight with you all the time???? NO! its simply not worth it!!!!!
I went talk to my boyfriend when I got mgs from my mom saying :"I am sorry I would  never hurt you on purpose, I only dont want you to hide behing clothes, you are beautiful!" yeah whatever,  I didnt need much to realize she only said those words because she won the fight otherwise she would probably kill herslef.
always same story.
Fight wasnt about me hiding behind the clothes at all, she clearly told me I should get changed because I dont look good the way I was at that point and people would think bad things.
anyways, I dodnt feel like I lost at all, I just didnt feel like fighting any longer.

The price was high though.... I ate enormous amounts of food. Felt so sick and finally I lost my self completely.
I was so lost with them around, I lost every sense of my self and I didnt make any sense. But finally I could see what exactly is happening with me when I get to visit them. I could finally see trough the game they play!!!!
But once I was back home, There was a feeling withing me saying: "you know who you are and you better continue saving your ass, so no worries. Just forget about it, you are fine!"
And thats the peace that has been freaking me out.
WHAT??? you are telling me I shouldnt worry??? you, the voice in my head????
oh wow!!!

I feel strength I have been gaining since rehab. I see how strong I am becoming. I am doing great.
I am proud of myself for the second time in my life i believe, but no matter how, I am proud and finally I see I am able to go trough big things in my life.
I feel like I control my issue pretty well at the moment.
There are of course new emotions that I dont understand and those freak me out, but my doctor says I should just stay intouch with those feelings and figure out where do they fit....to the present or past.
I live life slowly and actually not much is going on as I am still very much limited to one person a day, one trip a week etc.
but I see my bulimia as a blessing now, how good it will be to come out of this shit stronger and cannot wait for all the things to fall into places.
I am not that afraid of my own self and not that afraid of the future.
I am much closer to myself and I follow my needs bette.
I treat my body pretty well and trying to think a little less like body is a garbage and more like body is a temple. I trust my body and we get pretty well along.
Tho these days I was living more in peace, I am  even not sure if that has really been peace, as I am feeling super fat and ugly at the moment, just not paying that much attention.

There is still every single days that starts with a check up in the mirror and I have not been happy with what I've seen. I still put big fight with every meal that comes up and after every meal I quickly count the calories I consumed and in a case my meal was too big for my mind, I always make quick diet plan: No eating.
But so far, with the strength and that peace, I have been dealing with my bulimia successfully!

If I get over bulimia, there is good future waiting for me.

up and down

Well colors were very next moment gone, only grey was left.
Life was cold again.
Nights were long and image in the mirror was ugly, worn out. Tired.
Mind was going mental. Body and Ego fought all the freaking time.
My face was swollen and poor kidney was aching, vision was narrow and appetite was huge.
Tears were running like a river, I could drawn the world. Thoughts were hopeless and sense hit the bottom  again.
I reached the I-give-up pint again.
So far, I-give-up moments have always woken me up.
"what? what you mean you give up? you are not giving up!! If you start thinking this way, you will never make it. Stop whining, stop complaining and make the best of it! It is YOUR life and you are fighting for it! wake up!!!!"
I get to wake up every time, but everytime seems to be harder.
I get out of that blurry bubble for a little while, soon I end up in there again, and the same story goes again.
I give up....then I dont give up.....then I cry..... then scream.....then pick all the pieces of my self together..... then i try put them together......then I lose my temper.....then I cry again and I give up again.....then I dont give up and I smile.....then I feel strong and proud of the progress I have made so far ..... then I enjoy the light for a little while and things make sense, I am even not afraid of my own self and I believe I am tired of hate and negativity and then its time to give up again, because my mother, for example, has made a plan of my next two days for me...... and so on and so on, the same story over and over again. 

Somethimes I even think rehab is the best thing that happened to me ever!!!!
It is perfect opportunity to live my life on my own, free and to the fullest, with awareness and with insurance,that I will die happy.
I thank god for the strength he gives me every day to keep up fighting, I dont find bulimia as a curse but as a second chance. I am excited about the time, when I will be really over it and will live my life bulimia free, when I will look myself in the mirror and say "have a nice day" instead of "die ugly, fat bitch!" when I will be proud mother, wife, friend......instead of believing I dont deserve to be loved.
but then, of course, this so hopeful moment doesnt last long....... I get scared I will never make it.

It helps if I take life little step by little step and by little I mean .... little! not to think about tomorrow, or later that day, not to think about summer, winter, fall.... but focus on NOW.
Now is what it matters. No plans, just follow your own needs in that moment.
Ya that helps, but sometimes I lose my temper and I look forward, I look into the end of the day.....into tomorrow.......and my world collapses.
 and it takes all the strength from me to get back together.

oh, yah, and then I see how I grow, and I see colors and joy.
does it mean I need collapses???? I need black to see white? I need rain to see sun? I need tears to hear the laugh?
Oh well, let it be.
I believe it is the way it's suppose to be and at this point, that the best that life can give me.
ok!

I see colors!

RAINBOW!!!
I see colors!!!!!

What a change!
Made it back home yesterday and woke up happy today!
Its amazing how free I feel in my home. things are just much simpler, I dont bother myself with little things that actually dont matter much in life, all that matters is peace within, and I have found my peace.

I can feel the morning, I love morning smell and sounds of birds, I love fresh air and chilled air.
I am with my own self and I control  my life.

I see clearly what I want and who I am, and yah, today, I like it. I like myself and my artist nature. My spirit is free and I live life to the fullest.
I think, once you face such a disaster like eating disorder is and once you literally fight for your life, the only way to survive is you learn what is important and what not.

It doesnt matter what people think about you, it doesnt matter if its Monday or Wednesday, It doesnt matter is you had shower or not and it doesnt matter in you wear make up or not.
It doesnt matter if it rains or if its sunny, only matters that you have learned something and that you are wiser than you were yesterday. It is important to grow with every day and be aware, that life doesnt hate you.

Only peace within counts.
I tell you, it can be perfect warm day, you can wear make up and people can think only nice things about you, but if you are not calm inside, is like you arent alive.
I know that.
I live it everyday.

But bright moments like these two days are worth more than a box full of gold.
No-one's respect is as worth as your self respect and no sun shins as strong as your own in your heart.

There's no such thing as your personal freedom. No such beauty as beauty you see in the mirror.
There's no such love as love for your self and no such inspiration as inspiring love you produce.
and there 's no such melody as sound of your own laugh, free laugh when you understand life.
There's no such Thank you! as when you thank God for your life.
And there's no such fear as fear you might be a failure!!

I have come so close to reality in these two days, I can taste a juice of sweet life. Moment is all that matters and you can create a perfect moment. you can.
In a case you are dealing with mental issues, it might take some time and hard work, but at the end, you are able to laugh, spread your arms, look in the sky and say Thank you!
I might not feel this way anymore maybe tomorrow, maybe later today, maybe next monday, but NOW, now I feel hopeful and life makes sense. Myself makes sense! I make sense.

Faith.
Faith in life and faith in better tomorrow.
Faith I never lost.

I am always afraid to feel anything good like this, because usually I pay big price for good mood, but "do your practice and all is coming" they say, aye! but now I feel the strength....well, there is one thing that can always take it away in a second..its called: my family! I always promise myself I will be strong, this time I will really be strong, but I always fail tho. also today, I made a promise, I will be strong and will follow my own needs and wishes....I might fail, which runs fear in my bones, but NOW grass is green, sky is blue, faith is pink and joy is purple.
I see colors.

They will never understand.

I am broken. Did vomit. Has been a while now since I puked but I couldnt take it anymore today.
I dont have a good day and only waited for the moment, when I will go to the toilet and do it.
My throat is soar now, it smells bed, but I dont feel any guilt for vomiting, tho I do feel very guilty for eating that chocolate. Why I didnt stop myself. what did actually happen?
What does it have to do with this moment?
It is not about stopping myself from eating chocolate, it is guilt for not protecting myself!
I didnt protect myself. And thats why I feel guilt about.
I feel so fucking bulimic and feels like I will never make it out.
Feels like there has no progress been made and it feels like a year ago.
Someone and something has a control over me.

After pukin, tho I checked there is no-one around, my mother heard me throw up, she came to my room, asking why I still do it.
She wanted to talk but she didnt succeed! She wasnt sure whether she wants to help me or whether she is angry at me because of my behaving. She wasnt that nice.
She told me she doesnt understand why I am acting this way and why I feel the way I feel, they are not on my way anymore and I can do whatever I wanna do!
really???? well, you are just about 7 years too late!!!!!
I didnt feel like she is there for me, she was there for her own sake.
She kept asking me why I feel the way I feel and why I am so allergic to them, why I see such big obstacle in them,a nd mostly, why I still vomit.
SHe just made a mess, she was so cold.
All I needed was her next to me, no sutpid questions that she will never get the answer to, no stupid talking, just be there with me, next to me, FOR me!!!
I am lost, dont you see, I am in pain and obviously I am not controling my emotions well at the moment. hello, wake up!
Is it really so fucking hard to sympathize with a junkie???
Am i really so not understandable?? I am not an alien!!!

Stupid me, I told her I dont feel good with them around and that I am way better on my own, I cant stand the energy....I see enemies in them. Well, she couldnt see what am talking about so she just said: if u feel like you are better on your ownm then I dont understand why you keep coming back home!"
and she left !!!! what a stupid statement....makes sense but not in her case.
I keep coming home because you trained me to do it!!! because you punished me everytime I didnt come home, because u put guilt on me if i didnt come home..... thats why.
yah, hasnt been that hard for a year now, but since 13 all the time I neededt o be next to both of my parents. thats why I am damaged now and thats why I cant move on, I am living in the past!!!!!
Thats the fucking why I am coming home.
Because I have been trained to do this!!

I am actually not sure If only my parents annoy me, I think I am more frustrated by my brother's girlfriend.
Oh my what an unhappy couple. I dont like my brother with her but she is piece of the hardest woman I have ever met.
SHe is such a bad energy bomb!!! I feel like punching her in her face like three times a day!!! but i cant. i dont . i dont say anything. i keep quoet and thats why i hate this home even more!!!
there is so much to tell her in her face. aaaaaaaaaah!!!!

well, no-one can understand my struggle, no-one understand what I am going trough. No-one can and no-one is to be blamed for that.
No-one can reach my feelings and nuderstand my heart. No-one understand, what chocolate means to me and how wrong look can took me to the toilet in a second!

Well, my boyfriend understands me pretty well, but apart from him, no-one else does and I try not to blame them but on the other hand I feel like screaming and shouting "duuuuuuuude, wake up!!! get out of my life!!"

NO-one knows how big, dangerous problem eating disorders are!!!
Eat healthy!!
Dont mind!! Dont bother!! try to ignore!! Go out!
Advices I get the most often...and If I dont do it this way, I am pronounced for a freak.
I can not -not to bother!!! well!! I am sick!! I do bother!!!! and I cant to ignore!! so yes, thats my problem, thats why am loosing it.....thats why!

fuck it!

15 seconds: Swallow, GO!

How do you finish 100g chocolate in 15 seconds? - Simply, you just swallow it!!!
Why do you finish 100g chocolate in 15 seconds is another question.
Because you are bulimic? yah, pretty much true, but every shit has the answer.
Also mine.
Ma n dad came home, wasnt happy to have them round.
I dont know how I actually felt but I felt big anxiety with them around !!
Even though I had a lunch two hours ago, I felt like I need to eat again and so I joined them and had some salad. I dont know what I actually did wrong but the way I ate that salad totally irritated my dad.

First he commented and then he just kept rolling his eyes and I lost it.
I left the table and went to my room.
I grabbed the chocolate, and simply put the whole one in my mouth and swallow it.
Simple as that.
My poor stomach, my body grew in a second, got the fattest ass and the biggest stomach, I hate my face and I really really feel ugly.

Then my ma met me and asked:" oh, you are not wearing any make up today, how come!"
whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!!!!!!!??!?!?!?
what do you mean: how come I am not wearing any make up today?!?!??!?!? I simply dont!!!!
why should I!!!!!
whaaaaat the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!!!!!

Thats why Im siiiiiiiiiiiiiiick!!! because eating too much and not wearing make up is a sign of weakness in this fucking house!!!
I know It probably isnt that bad as I see it because I am totally nervous when it comes to my family and I still live deep in the past, but still, I need a break!! they are such a pain in the ass.

Why am I not wearing any make up today!!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?
G!!!!!!!!
I and thats how I finished another 100g chocolate in another 15seconds!!!

Fuck it!!
I am so tired of being the weakest link in my family. I have been the black sheep since forever.
I am totally donew now. Wont take it any more.

I am the one who is left with the fattest legs, I cant even explain how fat I feel at the moment!!!!
Like HUGE!!!!!
I am so unbeautiful!

Unsafe place.

parents place is not good for my rehab.
nah nah!!
Here, I catch myselft eating more, eating without control and eating when not hungry.
Mostly in the evening.
During the day all the food seem so disgusting to me, I struggle with breakfast, have been 3 mornings I haven't eat, just had a coffee. I went to the toilet though, but that is not a deal. A deal is I eat in the morning and have coffee. When lunch tiime I am pretty much very hungry, but always, when think of food, my stomach shuts and I feel like vomiting most of the time. That of course put me in a bad mood and my stomach is aching. I feel sick and desperately look for the perfect food that calms my stomach down. I dont know why, but chocolate has been the selected food .... not good for bulimic on rehab to eat chocolate...thats how binging starts.
I think to my self...damn it, I had chocolate, now I really need something salty....I reach for more junk food and that makes me have more chocolate....and so on and so on.... and I end up finishing one or two 100g chocolates, three to five pieces of bread... ofcourse I feel even more sick but that doesnt stop me from thinking about next meal for my stomach. My body must hate me. so 7pm - 11pm I just eat. at 11 pm I feel like balloon and definitely dont feel like shower. ugly and fat I pass out and thats when nightmares begin.....
always the same. there is a friend of mine, we attended  group therapy together, she has anorexia...she comes to me crying and whining: "I am so fat" in that point I lose it.... I start yelling: "shut up, just shut up!! you have been complaining but look at you, you are the skinniest and I am really fat. I hate my self." then I vomit and vomit and vomit for hours.
When I get up, I am worn out. It really feels like I vomited in my dreams and thats how another bad day starts!!
With swollen face, swollen stomach and big headache. ofcourse from all the food last night I really dont feel like having a breakfast, so I skip it. and so I skip lunch and binge the dinner again. It happens to me every time I am at my parents place. When I am back at my home, I dont keep any food, only what i really need. But even when I buy myself a chocolate, I am fine with only a piece and then I leave it, but when overe here, I cant stop. I am losing a grip.
I trully believe I am getting fat again and I have those thought about putting myself on a diet, no-food-one. I believe I need to start running everyday and only drink water. Those evel thoughts are back. I have no trust in 3to5-meal-healthy diet that has been so good for me so far.
I hate my self for eating that much these days, and most of my diet was chocolate and junk food.
my poor stomach is aching.
I feel very bulimic these days.
It is hard for me to go for a walk, to meet with people and to talk on the phn. I am losing the fight.
Today, I got up low, talked to my boyfirend so that time I was calmer, but even uglier. The voice attacked me: "ugly woman, you dont deserve him, as soon as he finds a more beautiful woman, he will leave you. if he doesnt, then he is stupid!!"
After that, I got uncontrolled nervous....my parents are coming back home today, early int he afternoon. That made me shake. 
also I dont feel fine with my brother's girlfriend around. the energy here seems to be very unsafe and unhealthy for me. I cant explain how i actually feel, but at the moment I feel dead. Nothing feels real. I think I am blown away. Far away from reality. Deep back to the past. All the feelings of fear, scarceness, anger, sadness ... have come back. I believe none of it has anything to do with my present, but it is impossible to control it.
Its not worth to fight.
Thats how it seems at the moment, though I know I will not give up the fight!!!
I cant wait for tomorrow to have a therapy, I need a therapy.
I feel pressure when here.
Pressure that doesnt let me breath normaly and doesnt let me dream, doesnt let me be myself and dosnt let me laugh. Once again, I am feeling so dead at the moment.
Who am I? what do I represent? I forgot my mission, I forgot the reason why keep up fighting, I forgot everything.
Unsafe place.
I am so sorry that my family is not safe for me. I am doing much much better without them...because I am can be free. Because I live with the flow and I do feel life. I trust life and there is no unneeded worry.
I believe, I have been trough soooooo much even my parents wont be ever, I learned so much about life and I know, there are things, that simply dont matter. Little things are not important.....such as: what people think about you, what time you go to bed, what do you eat, who do you talk to....blah blah blah! That doesnt matter and when I am alone, I dont bother myself with this kiind details. NO. I pay more attention on living. I know I am able of that. I know I can. Life makes much more sense with my way of thinking and if there is someone who stop me from that thinking, I lose myself!
I shut myself down, I shut my body down, I get cold and not really nice. I am totally different person, person, even I dont recognize. And I dont like this person!!
My nature is very free, very gypsy and very artistic. I am free prerson.
I dont like to see my freedom is taken away!!
Makes me sick, makes me throw up, makes me reject my own self and I become my own enemy.
I have grown enough to see the point, what is actually happening to me!
that must be a good start!