it is not about starting over, it is about moving on

something on a way of past two weeks went wrong, i believe i had too much to do, work was stressful and so were things after work, and for some reason i forgot to take good care of myself...no quality food and no enough sleep and so i collapsed. ofcourse depression kept me even more awake and even more hungry so things went down even more to the point when i totally lost it.
it was different from the other times, this time i was fully aware what is happening and even showed some self love and tried to help myself. i made myself cup of miint tea with honey and milk, which is suppose to help me with sleep. well, it did relax my body a bit, but sleep was still shitty. i also had a hot bath and did some cleaning up, even went for a coffee with my friend. those are things i have never done before when depression hit me.
but i am confused and lost and sad.  dont know what to think about the situation and i still havent got to place my feelings. i had good intentions not to annoy my boyfriend but i ended up with a huge break down, and spent the night figuring out what has really to do with him and what is my past.
i still dont know.
i believe i am still looking for love i never got from my parents, tho they might disagree and call me unfair, but i need certain attention in certain situations. i was very much down and my boyfriend came up with the idea he and his two friends are going to surf for a day which meant no spending time us two. after i freaked out he offered hisself to stay with me and not go surf, but i couldnt take it. i knew, once i will feel better, i will not be able to live with myself if i selflisly keep him at home with me and will be much easier to live with myself with just another break down. so off he went and never came back to me that day. every three minues i would check the phone waiting for his txt, to the point when i lost it and smashed the phone. realizing he knew how low i was at that point and not checking on me even once hurt my heart very much.
i told him to take time on sunday morning for me, which was my saturday evening, and so we get to talk without time limit. lately, i felt like we always finish talking after certain time becaus always something came up. knowing i will have him just for me on saturday eve, kept me going and kept me at least a little bit calm and i found it as a good compromise to the fact he will be off surfing. but when i got him online on saturday night, he told me we can talk only 30 or 45 minutes because then he is going with his parents to the place where he lives. i lost it. totally. it was another blow to my stomach and already being on the edge, i broke down. i couldnt understand how life works and why this is happening to me. naturally i am not very patient person so all the decitions i made regarding to my relationship were very patient but took enormous amount of energy from me. i reached the point, when i am so tired i am asking god to send me someone, who will make me cup of tea and sat next to me in bed and made sure i fall asleep and take care of me and be there when i wake up and ask me if i am feeling any better and bring me some soup in my bed and put me funny movie on and then hold me when i cry again. but instead of it, i am alone, making my own self tea, putting my own self to bed and trying to be nice to my own self. yah, gift from god, isnt it, to be able to take care of your own self when it hurts the most, but i am not there yet. i am so tired.
after i spoke to my boyfriend i got to calm down a little bit and ofcourse huuuuuuuuge guilt trip was about to happen. how awful i am, giving him shit. have been thinking and analysing so much i puked. it wasnt bulimia vomit, it was just from the pressure in my stomach. i dont know where is the line when i have to think out of my box and not be selfish and when i can expect something from people. i think i deserve help.
i felt so guilty and so wrong that i just wanted to erase my depressed week and do it over again of course more perfect. i read my last two posts on here and i was just "no no, that should be deleted. that couldnt be the truth!" i have to start over again.
then more i was thinking more i realized there are some things caused by bulimia but there are alsome some things that i am standing by still...my expactations from people are very high, just because i know what am i willing to do for a person who struggles, especially if that person is my friend. but more than tell people i am not feeling well, i actually cant do. from there on, it is only them and their conscience. i cant make them care about me and txt me no matter how badly i am in need to get that one msg. and so i was lying in my bed, thinking all this and i kind of got calm, i did what i could do and i shouldnt put blame on myself for other people's behaving. i cant try start over and be more perfect for the sake of people, i can only keep on going.
i am done with those evel plans: "from tomorrow on!" those plans almost took my life and i am not willing to do it again. it is not that from tomorrow on everything will be different just because I will make a decition not to talk about my problems to anyone ever again. no it is not how it works. tomorrow, it will still be me, with my needs and my personality, and all i can do is try my best. eventully i will stop aksing people for attention, eventualy i will mange my depression on my own with less need of being loved, but right now i need people to ask me how i am feeling. i cant say there werent even one person that didnt care about how i feel these days, it was friend of mine, she kept txting me and calling me, but i am sad bulimia blind me to that point where i cant see it and i only see things i dont have. i dont know i am so confused, devided in two pieces and very sleepy. i am feeling sick to my stomach and cant really eat well. i am trying tho, still making myself proper lunch, i take time, but lunch ends up uneaten on a plate. i know i will soon feel better and things will make sense and so will i eat properly again, so i dont worry about that. i am doing the best i can now.
this depression has been a little bit different.....at beginning, i was tortured by voice in my head i am not worthy and i am nobody, but last few days i think i was more just sad. i was overthinking but i dont remember there were many strong attacts from the voice in my head. i wasnt the worst one, but i was the poorest one. i felt like it is not fair i need to go trough all this, i didnt chose it. on a back of my mind there is constantly my family, i dont know what to thnk about it. there is obviously something coming out.
i am in such need of their love, in such need they understand me. they probably never will. they are parents and they never faced such thing as bulimia, so they cant know and it is me to grow some more and let it go. i thought letting by family behind will be another thng i will do after saing: "im tough!" and i was so wrong. another promise i couldnt keep. its a process and sometimes i forget it is a process and want things to be different now!
i goes super slow and everyday you need to keep on going and move on a little more. no matter how u do it, you have to somehow. i think i reached the point when i am starting to realize there is no-one out there who can help me but my own self. lost love from my mom and dad is gone, i cant go back and change it, so i have to learn how to love my own self and be my own best friend.i have to find beauty inside myself and god inside me and move along with it. give my self some credits for what i have been trough so far and walk with chin up around the world. people in general dont care.
i can feel am getting stronger, it is pretty obvious, but you know what......i dont know what will i do with this strength in my life. i still fear my future.
i am caught between hope and despair. just know that deep down i have faith things will settle down and life will get easier.
we just have to understand life doesnt hate us and if it happened that we suffer at the moment, means life chose something bigger for us. we might be bigger people and ordinary life isnt what we are meant to have, so lets hold on and see what plan has life for us. just keep faith up.
keep on going. winston churchill once said: "if you are going trough hell, keep on walking!"  never stop. dont look back, just keep on going. the road must lead somewhere.
you and i are not the only one who suffer. did you know that there is 24 million people suffering from eating disorders all around the world? and eating disorders isnt the only fucked up thing that can happen to you. so we are not alone, and the Earth is a home to all of us. doesnt matter where are you from, countries are fiction. it is something we made up. we are one people and we are not alone. and we have to help eachother.
i guess that also means we shouldnt be ashamed of asking for help and we shouldnt be too proud not to help one another.
oh my,what random and confusing thoughts i have.
i guess my point is keep on going, no matter how much it hurts, keep on going!

written later:
I spoke to my boyfriend and had an amazing time talking to him and so i really got to calm down and enjoy the beauty of my relationship. it was noon when we finished talking and by 2pm i was already a sleep. now its 6 and i woke up. math is easy...i got 4 hours of amazingly calm sleep!!!!!!!!!
i woke up like a happy kid, feeling alove and inlove.
i dont know what exactly happened, it might be just the power of sleep, but i am feeling better.
while lying in bed i went trough my msgs and read few of my boyfriend ones. feeling better, i could read them with totally different eyes and they are so beautiful. they were written only for me, because i love msgs :) i got that guge smile on my face realizing i love this man! i really do, and i know what we have is something the most beautiful one can experiance in its life.
back on my head there is still money issue that buggs me and it makes me sad with everything i know about life, money is the issue that takes smile off my face. and in very this moment is becoming bigger and bigger. i cant let it take control, no, i am too tired. i cant. will think of it tomorrow, tho its not too long now until i will get paid and will have money to fix my car. but i told my parents i got the loan so they expect me do it in first day of next week. but it doesnt matter what i said and what they think it is me who will take care of it, i believe. i shouldnt let this thing bring me down. all good.
i am counting down time until my boyfriend comes online and calls me. i cant wait to see his face again and hear his voice. he is absolutely the best person on the world. and 87 day untl he moves over for several months. my boyfrend is my light.
i am feeling guilty for not being that good girlfriend because i still get blinded by bulimia and still traumatizing and giving him hard times and feeling he failed, wher in no sittuation so far he did. it was just me unable to control my emotions. i feel so sorry for him. and whenever i talk to him about it, he tells me he has faith in me and he protects hisself so is houldnt worry. but it is unpleasant feeling seeing trough your behaving and tho trying hard, not be able to really cange it. the change is coming slowly tho, but still. i wish he didnt need to go trough all this. tho now days i dont torture myself in a way we should broke up and he should run away from me as far as  possible, i know he decided to be with me and with his decition he lives and he tells me often he lives good life with me. but poor thing, didnt do anything wrong and stuck in long distance and with bulimia.
i am starting to realize how huge issue bulimia is. its its own story, hard to be explained and hard to be understood. and recovery takes so long. they say ed recovery is way harder than drug addiction recovery. can u fucking imagine what we ve been put trough?
have to learn to live all over again and learn how to love yourself. i am thinking now days how sad it is if a human being has no basic selfrespect. forgetting i am one of them tho, but just it breaks my heart when i get to think out of my box. it shouldnt be this way. everyone deserve to feel basic respect toward hisself and everyone should feel fine in their bodies with their own mind. thats basic for surviving. and yah, bulimia is huge is so control taking and so badly ruins our lives. i saw a little bit trough my depression this time and i cant believe how bisar things are. and it wasnt even the worst one. but standing infront of the mirror and not seeing trough, not feeling your body but everytime you get to feel your body it makes you scream and you hate it., not hearing your mind but when it gets loud you wish you could die so you dont need to listen to it. you are hungry but afraid to eat. how bisar is that???? you believe losing weight will svolve all of your problems and you are trying to heard and at the end you realinze you dont even feel any better in your skin with two sizes smaller pants. it is absurd!! all you need is someone to love you the way you are but when you get that one special, you are shushing him away, believing you are not worthy and you are to lame to be loved!
To lame to be loved?????????????
are you kidding me!!!!
who is too lame to be loved??????????????????????
oh my it is brutal!! i swear to god it is brutal to me.
every human being deserves to be loved, every single on the planet Earth. EVERY!!!!
how can we say something so awful and believe it?? actually we hate ourselves so badly we believe we dont deserve love and food!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!
oh my let me cry, this is sad! this is just too sad!!
it is very unfair.
and thinking now what was so different from this depression comaring to my past ones its pretty obvious...it wasnt all covered with selfhate. tho i couldnt sleep, i made myself cup of mint tea with milk and honey and put myself to bed, and my body got a little bit more relaxed (so mint tea with honey and milk is a MUST when feeling depressed!!!!!!!!!!!!!) i amde myself nice lunch even tho i couldnt eat at all and it was just wast of food but clear msg to my bulimia tho. i had long hot bath tho i felt frustraited about my body. i cleaned my apartment a little litlle bit tho i couldnt stand on my feet and i even went for a quick coffee tho i wanted to be alone. those were such tiny drops into the huge ocean i thought, but thinking now i can tell that was huge break trough. also i knew i will cry off my mascara in few minutes time, but i did put it on. huge effort and things done on purpose, because i have been trough so many depressions and down periods i thought it might help. but the need for being gentle with myself came kind of from deep inside, after thousands and thousands of hours working on myself.
and i am thinking to myself: "how the fuck did i make it trough depressions before with no mint tea, with no bath and no hot lunch?????"
tell me! with all that effort i put in these days i still faced the hell, so wondering how is possible i survived trough 6 month depression with vomiting up to ten times a day, binging all that food and hating my self so bad it made me puke without putting any finger into my mouth!! how?
where every tiny piece of my body was in pain now, what pain did my body go trough with all those pills, food and pukes???
everyone out there suffering from bulimia and not on a rehab yet: GO NOW!!!!!! like now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i am begging you!!!! save your selves!!!
call the doctor, tell your problems, get psychiatrist or ed therapist, forget about what will people say and what will rehab bring with and how will you tell your parents and your friends and all that shit. forget about everything and call the doctor NOW!

move on. show some respect to mother nature who is keeping you alive for some reason!


Best of Luck.
and never forget: you are not alone and life doesnt hate you!

Depression

lying on my bed, not able to move.
my body is paralized and all I can do is weakly feel bad and listen to the voice in my head.
I shut myself down, i dont want to see anyone and talk to anyone, i deleted all the people from my contacts in my pphn, all the people on facebook and i am keeping alone.
I am disconnected with my body, I feel nothing.
I dont believe anything and just about anything can make me feel lonely.
I have no faith and all i do is overthinking.
even my boyfriend cant make me feel good these days, he seems to be tired helping me out all the time.
i have no faith in people and i live in constant fear and with feeling of guilt.
i still havent figured out what is the guilt here for, but my parents are all the time on my mind and i feel like i need to prove something again. could be nothing and it is just my mind telling me shit, but i am so not relaxed when think of mom and dad. last weekend was very hard for me with them around and i dont wanna see or hear from them for a little while. i need space from them.
i dont take any care of myself, it has been just last two days that I made myself nice meals and had breakfast, ten days before, i barely ate anything and if so, i just ate bread. i lost a lot of weight and you will not believe but when i see myself in the mirror, i dont get any excited. i dont care but always believed if only i lose weight i will feel good.....yah my ass, not true. i feel nothing.
i cant see trough my thoughts. i cant even see my body.

yesterday in bed, i tried to do my "homework" and go to my body, and so i did my little body meditation and it took me some time but when i finaly felt my body, i tought i will lose it. every little bit of my body got that nervous feeling i couldnt handle it. my arms and shoulders got very heavy and my kydney area got in a big pain. the feeling was so awful it felt like i am fat so i started crying. i couldnt take it anymore.
then my friend txted me how am i doing and i told her i am dealing with depression, so she told me she will help me with energy and asked me to close my eyes and ask angels to help me. i did that and i could feel how they (angels) were trying very hard to erase bad thoughts from my mind. everytime i wanted to thinkn of something negative, soon after, that very same thought changed into nice memory i have. soon my head was filled with nice thoughts, all the nice memories came out. and everytime there was a negative thought, even nicer memory came out. i could feel someone took care of me and after about 20 minutes i fell asleep and slept trough the night without nightmares!!

I got up feeling strange, very scared.
I put some reggae on and tried not to move my body, it was a pleasant feeling i wanted to go on and on.
i got msg from my friend asking how am feeling today and i really appreciated it. for a secont i felt strength i will be able to take care of myself today and so i txted my friend if she has time for a coffee today so I am meeting her at two, i also set up time for horseback riding next week and did my laundry, had breakfast but soon after all the joy was gone. and i am feeling shitty now again.
my doctor said i need to be with that shitty feeling, with the feeling of sadness, i need to be nice to myself.
she also tells me always to start doing "body meditation" on regular bases and i never seem to do it. i try often but emotons are too strong so i stop. just like yesterday for example-. but she said that is the only way to recover, since there is so much in my body and it has to go out. i need to take that time.
so will do it today.

after the catch up with my friend, i will take time and do it.
i am so tired of rehab, i am so tired i cant tell.
it is not i fell like giving up or anythng but i am tired.
i have too much on my shoulders  now. i cant take it anymore.
i need to save myself. i cant do it much longer.

what is real and what isnt?
i am so confused.
i am not ok.

i feel nothing.

i need sleep and i need time for myself. i dont take time and i dont listen to myself waht i want.
why i am so afraid of my parents now days?
where is this coming from?
all the old emotions came out.
i am trying to fix my car but have no money so my parents told me to take a loan from bank and i actually asked for loan but i cant get it and now im feeling guilty and dont know how to tell them. it is not big deal in a real life but just the fact i need to explain myself and let them know the opposite of what they believe in...............i dont wanna deal with them.
i am so afraid.

my face is different, there is no smile on my face, my phone is shut down and i delete all the emails i get, i dont wanna have any contact with anyone. when walking outside, i see nothing, i dont even know which day is it. i dont hear anyone and i dont smell anything.
i just feel a little bit of pressure on my chests that releases with particular  triggers and then i endlessly cry. after some crying, i go back to "not feeling anything" mode!

my energy is passive, i know i need to run it up again, hopefully today with a hang out with my friend. hopefully she can wake up soemthing inside that is on mute at the moment and inspire me a bit.
i am totally not motivated and have no faith in myself.

fuck off!

Depressed.

"When did u discovered you are so gifted for work with children with special needs?" asked me art teacher.
"I havent yet!" I answered.
"Then who discovered your gift?" she asked again.
"the boys mother!" i answered.

next day that very same teacher brought me little something. it was a candel and a little indian prayer.
so thoughtful but my ego yelled at me: "dont you dare to believe you are something special. she doesnt know what shes talking about. beside that you are the awful one, you have never brought her anything."

in the same week there was a math teacher who said: "we love you so much!" and she gave me a hug.
I gave her a little smile and ran into my classroom crying and feeling awful aboutmyself, i dont deserve people love me.

at my friends wedding in the same week, there was a guy who approached to me and told me: "you are so sweet, i really like you and your style!"
ofcourse that was a nice trigger for my ego to start torturing me. "you are ugly and lame, he doesnt know what he is talking about. dont you dare to believe he really like you!"

for our thanksgivving dinner ar school kids made some crafts for me, saying: "we love you!"  "I love my teacher ___!" "you are the best teacher on the world!"   and my mind was like: "oh those are just kids, they will soon forget about you, you are nobody!"

also for the thanksgiving event I made some little project for my class and all the teachers admired it, came in the classroom and all were "wow, amazing!" ... i gave them little smile and left the classroom, couldnt listent to their comliments and my ego dragged me outside, preaching me "you could do it better, you ar eno special!"

then on monday there was one teacher told me: "when i give you a compliment your body completely freezes."

oh really??
I cant handle compliments, i feel like people are making fun of me, at least thats what the voice in my head tells me.

and thats how i spent last two weeks convincing myself i am nobody and i am the lamest person on the world, who doesnt deserve one bit of the basic respect.

my mind didnt shut for even a minute, and so i am not very exhausted and my entire body hurts like i ran marathon. my kydneys hurt and i have terrible headache, my muscles are in burning pain.
i am so out of my body. refusing all good that i might be.
i feel  very depressed and tired.

I feel nothing but selfhate.

Last saturday at wedding i felt so bad about my image i couldnt dance and leave the chair.
i missed the days when i didnt hate my body that much, so bad!
I tried few times to dance, but all i could think of was how fat my body is.
when it was dinner time, it was selfservice, i was fairly hungry so i believed i put normal amount of food on my plate, but when i made it back to the table i realized i only put one slice of cheeze and little bit of salad on. i ended up even more hungry but was too embarased to go refill my plate. later when there was the maiin dinner i was putting food on my plate and the voice in my head was telling me: "stop now, you have huge food already!" so i went to the table and sadly realized again, i put little potato and 3 calamri on!" i was left hungry again. bad feeling about myself grew and grew and i couldnt hold my tears any more. i cried so manytimes and finally, at 1130 pm i gave up and asked my brother to take me home.
i had big breakdown at home but very soon i fell asleep and didnt move a bit until morning. sunday was even more depressed and i couldnt wait to be back at my place. when made it home it was a bit better, but my body was still in big pain. next day at work everyone noticed how tired i am. i couldnt lift the smallest kid up, i couldnt. i was so tired and depressed.
one kid, highschooler tho, came to me and told me he noticed i had been very sad for over a week.
oh my, kids shouldnt now that.

tuesday was even more fucked up, i was so tired i cried. i had my therapy but really didnt feel like going, all i needed was sleep, and from all the pain i felt in my body i cried like a chiled.
i went to the therapy, the season wasnt easy tho and for the perfectly awful day, my car got taken away as i parked wrong and so i needed to pay 100euros to get it back and 40 for ticket for parking wrong.
ofcourse i cried all night long because i struggle so much with money now and i dont need any other struggles at the moment. i still havent fixed my car from 3 weeks ago because i dont have enough money.
i am so sad.
yesterday was a bit better and day at work was happy but as soon as the school was over the good day was over. i got missed call from my dad and i snaped it. i get so nervous when he calls me, i cant talk to him, because he will say something bad or at least remind me of something bad in my life. i was so upset that when i made it home i fell into bed and fell asleep in a second. it was 4pm and i woke up 930pm to talk to my boyfriend. after we finished talking, i fell asleep again and tho i had bad dreams, i made it trough the night.

i have day off today and i am feeling very awful with feeling of guilt. i have to figure out why i am feeling this way. i wanna dedicate today to myself and really take care of myself and live in peace.

i wanna pray to god, eat good food and rest a lot.
i am so tired of dealing with bulimia, so tired.

I am broken!

I need rest. i need to catch up with myself and my needs. i need to see what is bothering me and be gantle to myself, i need to  give some love and respect to myself. ego makes my self sad.
i cant be sad.
but i am feeling awful at the moment.

over-thinking is my over-weight

Finally got back together.
My bulimia voice is quite and I am trying hard to feel good.
I took weekend off, dedicated it to myself only. even my boyfriend is away so I can sleep in and go early to bed. I didnt sleep well last night tho, but my day was better than night. I got to clean up my apartment and also myself.nothing special happened, but I am resting.
i asked my boyfriend to change my facebook password so I dont have access to facebook and I can tell my week has been calmer in a way. but on the other hand facebook-free week showed unpleasant truth about myself....
since I am not spending time on facebook, there is much free time, and my first thought was: great, now i have time to meditate again, and do some art and yoga.
but first day with extra time, i realized I am such a bug. when i took time and wanted to just sit down, I couldnt sit still for more than 3 minutes....after three minutes I became very nervous and rushed myself back to the "over-thinking-mode". after some time i tried to read a book and again, after few minutes i became very nervous and told myself I will read later, i have no time now!
no time now??
what will you do? oooh, let me guess: over-think again!!!
then i tried again, wanted to do the dishes and do my laundry, but after i washed two mugs, i became nervous again, like i am missing something and it felt again like am losing control, so i dropped washing dishes and went back to my bedroom where i continued over-thinnking. and it has been like this for the whole week. i keep thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and when it seems i thought about everything, i think some more. insane!!! and i always find something negative in every thought and so i tourture myself, fearing the future and fearing my own self.
friend of mine called me for caffee, and i told her i might not have time.................i ended up not having time............because i needed to do: over-thinking!!
i am thinking about my family, about bulimia, about people around the world that i could help them, about kids with fucked up families, about my brother, about my friends, about my boyfriend andmy relationship of course, then more about bulimia and even more about bulimia and about my future and about world, about poverty, about wars, about book i am about to publish, about myself, my needs, my past, my childhood and some more about people in need, about my last night dreams, about god, universe, faith, about what can i do for the better world, how can i help those who suffer from eating disorders even more, how to become amassador for children, about my purpuse and my mission, about the reason why i got bulimia, what can i use it for, about the comliments i have recently got from people, about emotions, feelings, hopes, dreams, analyzing mysefl, my friends, my kids from school, my family, my bulimia part, my real part, figuring out what is real and what isnt, thniknig of how can i become better person, planning what to do, then thinking more about bulimia and on and on!!!
I miss all the joy of Now letting my mind lead my thoughts.
i am looking for problems where there is no problems, looking for negativity where there is no negativity. spending time looking myself in mirror, estimating my weight, living empty life with no feelings. living life in my mind. doing nothing real.
I am totally not realxed and totally not enjoying life.
afterall i progressed fucking much and i should enjoy my recovered life, but i dont, i rather over-think.
i am all over the place.
at the moment i am thinking a lot about starting something like youth center for children and youth who struggle with their families. but in this lovely slovenia this is not that easy to start. people are not willing to come out of their shells. i might be wrong but there is not many options i could use to start my little project.
i am also putting my blog into novel form. my book about Life with bulimia will come out.
however this is big thing, i am not feeling anything.
i am not feeling any excitement about anything.
I only get excited at work sometimes when i see the progress my kids made. i get very excited but after few minutes all is gone.
I just wanna enjoy the respect i get from people, my boyfriend and from kids.
I get so many comlipments every day, some of them are huge, but they dont come into my heart.
my boyfriend calls me amazing and poointing out my uniqueness everyday, he tells me he loves me. at work i get big compliments from other teachers, my director, parent and kids.
The other day three moms told me how they love my style of dressing up, how special and unique it is. half of the parents from school approached to me personaly and told me how amazing teacher I am and how much they admire me. not only parents from kids I teach but bunch of others. they go to my director and compliment me. they are amazed about my energy and kindness. the other day we had some people from states that give marks to schools outside states and they heard me work and they told to the director i am very gifted and he should encourage me to level up wth my education and get higher. he called me to his office and told me about it and again, it wasnt the first time, he told me i am natural teacher, very gifted and he will do his best to assure my future as a teacher will be successful. one mom approached the other day and asked me if she can have some privat hours with me before they leave slovenia. parents keep asking me if i can come work with their kids in afternoon and all the kids from our school wanna hang out and or play with me. little kids keep asking me to play with them and hugging me and telling me they love me, bugger kids show their respect with talking to me about their problems. yah, teaching is my mission, but at the end of the day i fall asleep empty, thinking how awful person i am, who has nothing to give.

Overthinking is killing me, i just wanna be able to lay back and enjoy the good of me, be happy and proud. appreciate my relationship, my work and my mission. I just wanna relax and enjoy.
but everything else matter more.
I am drowning in my thought!
I cant breath, i dont see anything, i dont feel anything.

where to start*
it is such a big process to get rid of all the extra thought and come closer to myself. i know that. and all those extra thought are my (body) weight. I can feel it.

I have to train myself to go one step in time.
challange myself  to focus on one thing a day/week. tostart all over and start in a beginning.
start with ME.
TODAY. NOW.

vem da je to bistvena tezava in je vsa poanta v tem, da se osredotocim na eno stvar, se ji posvetim, jo razumem in cutim, in se ne razdajam naokoli, ker pac ne morem resit celega sveta in ne morem spremenit ljudi, lahko pa spremenim sebe in pomagam nekaterim in seveda dovolim, da nekateri pomagajo meni. vsa poanta je v tem, da se osredotocim na sebe v tem trenutku in sledim potrebam, ki jih imam v tem trenutku -  jaz. potrebe, ki jih imam jaz. niti ne vem kateri jezik cutim bolj: anglescino ali slovensccino. si mislim da sem tako prazna ker razmisljam v anglescini in pac ne cutim jezika, ampak vsakic ko poskusim s slovenscino, koncam z anglescino in edino misli v anglescini me privedejo do soocenja sama s sabo. ma nevem, vcasih pa pac ni tko. se ena stvar, k bi jo rada mela pod kontrolo in bi jo rada popredalckala. k da je vazno, vazno da nekaj cutim. iste dvome in dileme mam ko se spravljam jest.....a bom jedla nekaj kar mi je dobro in me bo na nek nacin osreclo al bom jedla neki kar je bojda zdravo. ma ko da ma kj veze. follow the heart al kako ze. nespomnem se kdaj sm nazadnje vprasala srce kako se pocuti in kaj zeli. vedno je sam glava al pa telo. no sej telo je ok, telesa sploh ne upostevam glede na to kolk mi ma za povedat, ampak srce je neki pozabljeno pr meni.
vse ostalo je bl pomembno kot sm pa jst pomembna.
just fuck it.
sicer se velik bol zavedam stvari in vidm kaj mi  in tut vidm da sm vsa rastesena in neprisotna, in mi je jasno kaj zelim dosec in tut sanja se mi kako pridt do tega,....ampak stavri niso glih preproste, zahtevajo veliko potrpljenja in veliko casa. tega pa jst ssvojo zivcno osebnostnjo nimam na pretak joj.  k bi kr vse mela ZDJ ta trenutek bi bla rada zdrava in happy in cutila vse in oh in sploh.
in sploh, rada bi nardila vse prav. vse stoprocentno in se vedno mam v glavi neko perfekcijo.
se vedno se cekream v ogledalu da ja nism debela, dramaziziram in jamram in skoz mam neke probleme, sploh se ne nakuleram. vsak koscek hrane k ga dam v usta gre v usta z vprasanjem: se bom zredila? se vedno ne vem kaj je normalna porcija, v solo si nosim minimalne porcije za kosilo, ne jem cokolade in tko no.........sicer sem prepricana da je to moj OCD part, in moja potreba po tem kontroliranju vsega in to je velik del bulimije. to je bulimija. vsak dan treniram sama sebe da se mal sprostim, pa ja, gre pocasi.
zdj nabiralnik odprem samo dvakrat....enkrat pred sluzbo in enkrat po sluzbi! predn sm dojela svoj OCD problem sm odpirala nabiralnik vsakic ko sm sla mimo. telefona ne gledam konstantno in zvok za sporocila sm izkolipla, tko da vcasih se zgodi da dobim sms in ne skacem takoj da odpisem. se vedno konstantno cekeram mail in brisem spame in vse kar ma zravn (1). tut odmor od facebooka je del treninga. ni fora da mi je fb kul al ne, sploh nism bla aktivna neki blazno zadnje case na fb, ampak fb je nek svet, kjer se lahko zgodi kako (1) obvestilo.

Obsesija.
bulimiaj je moja obsesija. stevilke so moja obsesija.
but doing well. sm kr zadovolna.

guilt trip

Im in shock.
I am caught between present and past.
Which world to choose? Which one is real and whicone is a lie?
sometimes I feel clearly i gotta aim to my new future but simetimes I feel like theres no better life ahead, and I am just making it all up that my past isnt that bad and my parents did a great job.
But as a teacher I see everyday how I create those kids and i see clearly the power of my words and of my behaving. It is break it or make it.
The only way to raise a healthy child is to try and understand his personality and support the good and love him unconditionaly. there is no money on the world that can buy health personality.
spending quality time with kid in a proper way is the only way to teach child he is good and unique the way he is. so I am thinking if i ended up growing up pretty damaged means my parents didnt do their job properly. it is not to raise a perfect kid, theres no such thing, but at least as a healthy himan being.
I grew up hating myself, refusing my qualities and seeing myself ugly.
if you ask my parents they would answer it is me who made myself believe all that and I have been very difficutl teenager, but if you ask me I answer: I was difficult teenager but no teenager is easy to handle, but I was beyond difficult, hit the depression at age 12, hating mylife and myself....i think if by that time they learned me how to love myself it wouldnt be that bad.
but as soon as i let myself be a little bit upset with them I feel guilty and the voice in my head tells me:"you ungrateful bitch!!"
am i ungrateful bitch?
my doctor says those are voices from the past and has nothing to do with my present and so do my friends say ... that their parents never treated them that way and that i am very strong and pure ........ but i disagree.
i am crapy  woman.
tho i could at least look at myself as a good woman with some crapy issues.
today at work i got to talk to another teacher we had coffee together and he asked me how am I. i told him honestly am fine but also been better. started chatting and told him i struggle with my family and bla bla bla told him they make me feel awful about myself and he said: "they should see you teach!"
hes been a teacher for 25 years and his wife is a teacher as well so im assuming he knows what hes talking about. but i feel nothing. i feel am a bad person doing bad things
i dont trust myself when im surrended with ma and dad i feel like i could do bad things again and i constantly feel guilty about all the bad things i ve done so far, about all the lies i said about all the money i stole from my parents wolets about all the food i ate and all the things i hid. I feel awful everyday and cant let go my past, cant forgive myself and cant forgive my parents.
where is the line between past and present?
How to forgive myself? how to move on?
when i stay away from my family, live on my own, i am pretty honest person, i actually dont lie, dont do bad things and I smile and laugh a lot, but as soon as i come over their place, i shut down, shut the honesty and the spark is gone. i transform into the garbage can, eat shit and talk shit. i feel like they dont give me love and understanding.
has been 15 minths since i ve been on a rehab and they havent taken time to understand the seriousness of my illness. my father barely speak about it, he never showed any interests and my mom did in a first month then she just focused on my food and my weight. fuck it i dont need and want anyone telling me i lost weight and counting my meals. eating regulary and not vomiting doesnt make me bulimiafree, my mind is still fucked up and i still live with bulimia. i hate they are this way. i know this is my recovery process and eventually i will stop being angry with my parents but at this point I need them to understand my illness and i need them to understand they are huge part of it.
they believe they didnt fuck up anything and all is just in my head and they have no clue how it got into my head, and everytime i try to tell them the way they treated me wasnt the right way they shut me down: "oh dont be ungrateful. you were difficult teen and if we didnt treat you the way we did you would be homeless now and a junkie."
they just dont want to hear me up.
I dont know what to think, i dont know what is right and what is wrong.
i dont. what if they are right?
then am screwed, then theres no help for me, theres not hope for me then i better just die. then i really am the worst human being. but it cant be true!!
i didnt choose bulimia. i didnt choose selfhate just because i have nothing better to do with mylife. i didnt choose to be that sensitive, that is who i am and they didnt listened up to me ever.
i was so brainwashed. so bad!!!
what is the truuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuth???????
who to trust if i dont trust my own fucking self????????????
one minute am angry next moment im on a guilt trip! aaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!
maybe is just me??
is it just me?
what is real??
im so confused and so lost.
i dont know what to do next.
i just wanna fall asleep for a while and wake up when the worst is over.
i just txted my cousin asking him to remind me if its me whos to blame for everything or my parents were really fucked up and he said I ma not confused I just see things more clearly now. i see things i have never seen before.
the same things my doctor told me.
what is happening to me is that i am seeing things I havent seen before.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!
how to let go.
 I am sad. I feel like a last person on the worold.
i feel like i dont deserve any love-
my friend called me and she was telling me i spent too much time at their place and i need to accept the fact that my family wnet wrong way with me and let go. it will take time.
she is right but i cant believe it.
i dont feel my good friends.
i dont feel anyone.
i dont even feel my boyfriend at this point because I dont deserve him.
I am bad person.
i only cause harm.
i stink.
there is something wrong with me.
i ma not normal.
i can hear these words are my mom and dads words, i can hear it, but i believe to those words. those words seem to be more right than mine, saying: "even if i was a bad person, i am good now."
im not feeling good about myself i am feeling so fucking guilty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
guilty for who I am.
when im alone am doing so much better!

is it time to say goodbye?

I havent fully recovered from emotional roller coaster.
There is still more questions than answers and some feelings unaddressed.
I feel fear and doubt.
I have tried to post my mess on here but soon after started writing, i didnt find words, not in englisha and not in slovene. I dont know how to put my thoughts together. so now im thinking it is not time to put anything together and all I gotta do is go away from everything and everyone, at least for a short time, to distance myself from everything and everyone.
but everytime I wanna take that time off in my mind, I end up on facebook doing shit (gosh i hate fb) or just doing nothing. i dont take time for my mind to go to those emotions inside, see what i feel and what i just pretend i feel, what is real and what just sounds good but isnt real, what is love and what is trust, who is worth it and who isnt, it is time to stop blinding myself.
if i dont cut off my past i will never recover and by my past i mean my friends that arent my friends but are just people i know for the whole life.
they are nothing to me but i ve never admited because they were always part of my life, but i ve just realized they just make mess and make me feel bad about myself.
I am ready for some honest and serious friendships and those people arent my friends so I need to sort those people. i grew up on a village where everyone knew eeryone and we are stuck together and play polite friends everytiem we meet, but nothing in those friendships is honest and real. those people sucks, they judge and dont respect. they make mess and bullshit yourlife and their minds are very narrow.
Those people are people from my parents place, also my parents and all who are anyhow connected with my past.
I delieted all those people from fb so that was probably first sign i dont want them but now I feel like it is time to really really cut this place off and just focus on my recovery and on my personality and on what i like.
my style is my art but my art is refused over here.
I have lived that bitter life all the time believing all the people judge and they dont let you be who you are, but now i think there are some cool people out there who support me and understand me and really respect me. people that let me be who i am. and those people are my real friends and I feel good about myself when i am with them. things make sense and everything is much easier. I am not that afraid of myself, my personality and I just relalized my favourite friends are all very good, creative and some of them very successful artists. and I am an artist myself. I belong to my new world.
i now see I have had all the basics totally messed up.
i need to take that risk and really go away.
say goodbye to my past.
all those days I have felt like something is holding me back and it is pretty irritating, all those doubts and fears....is there anything like a real love, is there loyalty, honesty, respect etc??
yah I would say no, because I grew up without any of it and thats all i know.
if oyu are different, they dont accept you, if you are in relationship you are cheated, if you say what you think, you are called rude and jerk, if you gain some weight, they point you out and if you lose some weight they point youu out as well, they are all over your life. and i think all those doubts and fears am going trough now are the cause of my sick past.
in this world real love doesnt exist, loyalty doesnt exist, honesty doesnt exist and there is no such thing as respect.
I grew up with fights and with cheating so thats the only world i know but for some reason I got something that doesnt fit into that world at all, something nice and gentle, soft and loyal, warm and respectful.
my world is different ...
so at this point i have to chose between Life I know and Life infont of me.

Email: recover.from.bulimia@gmail.com

Dear friends.

Those who follow my blog and my recovery know I have been active on blog for over a year now and at one point my blog wasnt only a safe place for me where I can puke my frustrations out, but for so many of you it has become a place that define you, inspire you, understand you and support you.

I have got many messages saying you like reading my blog because it helps you.
but blog is pretty much one way and since I know how important is to have an oportunity to talk about your bulimia and that is the only way you eventually understand what is happening to you i have created a special email where you can email me at all times. it is gmail account so there is also a chance we add eachother on a chat and we can chat.
if you need any support, advice or just a chat, I will be happy to read from you and give you support I am able to give at this point.

email:
recover.from.bulimia@gmail.com

Dont even think just let your emotions come out!
i will help as much as I can!
it is not just your problem and talking about your bulimia is the only way out.
If I can, everyone can!

Together!

Love and Light,
n xo
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dragi prijatelji!

Vsi ki spremljate moj blog veste, da sem na blogu aktivna ze vec kot eno leto in kar na enkrat moj blog ni bil le zatocisce meni, da pobruham svoje frustracije ampak je postal zatocisce mnogim izved vas, ki na vse pretege iscete pomoc in izhod.
Ker pa je blog bolj ko ne enosmerna komunikacija, in ker vem kako zelo je pomembno da vsak govori o svoji bulimiji neomejeno veliko in tako scasoma razume kaj se mu dogaja, sem se odlocila, da si ustavrim mail samo za vas...je gmail, tako da lahko tudi klepetamo na gmail chatu.

Z najvecjim veseljem bom prisluhnila tvoji zgodbi, in ce bom le lahko, bom pomagala s kakim nasvetom in upam da bom motiacija v tezkih trenutkih na bolj osebni ravni.

email:
recover.from.bulimia@gmail.com

Sploh ne razmisljaj ampak pisi in daj vse vn kar se ti nabira.
Pomagala bom kolikor bom lahko.
Bulimija ni samo tvoja tezava in odkrito pogovarjanje o bolezni je edina pot ven.
Vedno pravim: ce jaz lahko, lahko vsak!

SKUPAJ!!

Love and Light,
n xo

Episode

my fall break has been an emotional disaster.
I believe bulimia had time to catch up with me since before break I was very busy and it happened I ingnored my frustrations. So first day started in tears, and so did the second day, the third on and all the days until yesterday. yesterday was a first day without crying.

I felt like someone died and so the saddnes fulfilled my entire body. tears were running wild, in the morning, after my first coffee, after talking to my boyfriend, after walking my dog, after my car broke down.......all the freaking time. I felt so lonely and so sad.
After couple of crying days I realized something bigger is happening and it was quite obvious it is anouther episode. my last one was in germany last summer and the topic of the episode was jealousy. it took me three months to deal with that emoton, understand it and place it into the right place and so fear came out to be healed. fear of being alone, fear of not being understood and accepted. fear of being rejected and fear of being let down.
every episode seems to be the hardest, I always say so, because it is unknown area, but thisone invloved people as well which has made it even harder. I have been very bitter lately, when It came to people, they annoyed me easily and they reminded me how big asses most of them are.
people made me feel unsecure and made me feel bad about myself, i had some weird and hard situations I was draged in but all i wanted was to yell: "leave me the fuck alone!!"
I had unpleasant experiance with my boyfriends mother, with friends who cheated and with my father who decided to freak out again because I blew my car's engine up...non of it I needed! all I needed was some qualuty and creative time with myself, some of the favorite friends of mine and my boyfriend. period!
I needed rest and lots of sleep.
I got NO rest and hardly any sleep.
I didnt have time for myself and I got stuck at my parents place, crying and feeling wournable and very close to bulimia. I felt her breath on my shoulders, I felt her in my room and I felt her presence at the table and in the bathroom. I havent been that close to vomit since break down in germany. All I wanted was to vomit, I used all the close friends who I trust to come baby sit me or else I will puke so bad. vomit went back and forth like crazy and my body was in huge pain. headache made me cry, kidney made me crumpy, my teeth ached, stomach, musles and joints. I was pale even my father noticed and I had fever, probably from crying.
every little thing freaked me out and made me wanna puke. not to binge tho, which was odd. only to puke.
I felt guilty for every little shit and guitly took such control over me I really wanted to disappear.
but I could understand what is happening and I did understand how bulimia works.
I was so weak and I really reached the edge.
Every little shit that freaked me out ended up torturing me about my relationship: "he will leave you!"
that was the hardest bit. I had no faith and fear took control.
I was making speeches in my head how to let my boyfriend go because he deserves much better girlfriend.
Poor man couldnt go surfing because of my breakdowns but he kept calm at all times.
I dont know what had happened yesterday but in the afternoon I felt much better.
actually i know.
I was like a zombie in the morning and the entire afternoon as I had a friend over and also she was telling me her stories of cheating but she left yesterday afternoon. i do care about her but this week I simply wasnt ready to deal with anyone else's problems so I was relived when she left. after I met my dearest friend and she is always such a good energy bomb. she brought me so many hand made gifts and gifts from LA. she is one of my fave artists and she really loves me and respects me and I do feel good with her and very honoured she is my best friend. we had out artist evening with tea and some painting, lots of meaningfull conversations and lots of laughing. so that is what made me feel good I guess, my little artist moment since my artist is put on hold while I stay at my parents place.
I made it back to their place tho because they are all away and so I am dog sitter. When made it back I got email from my boyfriend he is going out for breakfast and will be back in an hour. I waited for him but he was an hour late. i freaked out totally!!! i am trying hard to take it easy and be easy girlfriend but yesterday i just snapped. coulnt keep calm.
I am so tired of people, and I cant stop thinking about how stupid they are.
i dont even know whaich people I am talking about as I have my boyfriend and lots of very much amazing friends, but all the others are pain in the ass but I am not even sure if I could name them at this point. I just know I am annoyed by people that dont fit to my "favorite friends and byfriend" space.
I cant keep up.
I am still in a huge need of living slow and going deep into my emotions and in a big need of putting my self first and just take care of my own self, but I cant............................people dont understand that need so they keep selfish and they even judge.
they dont let me be and they dont care about my rehab but they give me bullshit.
i wish i could just pause the world but I cant. If i do that i will go back to bulimia side and I dont want it.
but i dont have enough confidence to say Fuck off yet so I keep bothering myself with their problems and their broken personalities. I take everything so personal and while I am torturing myself, they dont care.
people are selfish.
I think I am not expecting them to be more gentle with me because I am on a rehab, but I do expect from them to understand they have no right to mess up with my life becuase they slefish without even asking me "how is rehab going?" (i have those who know about my bulimia in mind now.)
I am a bit lost and confused,
I dont know what to think and where I am at the moment.
I am caught between recovered part of me and still ill part of me and those two worlds dont make any sense together.
I need to spend so much time to understand what is my past and what is my present.
for every little shit I have to ask myself: "hey, are you this way because there is past trying to say something or because you really feel this way?"
for every little shit.
when I wanna eat out of my feeding times I need to ask myself if I really feel like eating now or is bulimia who wants to eat.
when I get upset with my boyfriend I need to ask myself whether I am really upset or it is only my past personality in a need.
when I spend few days without makeup with baggy pants its a rad flag and I gotta ask myself: "do i really wanna just feel comfortable or i wanna cover my belly and fat as and everything that I am?"
I have NO rest.
it is on and on thing and I have to be 100% focused, concentrated and tougher so I keep myself safe otherwise bulimia finds a tiny little whole and sneak in.
and I am tired of it. so tired just wanna say Fuck it and lay down and not care.
but if i do this I lose everything I have gained so far, not only my relationship but also my Life!!
deep down I might be strong and wouldnt give up for anything but i have been staring to dead's eyes.
I have felt how close the gap and dead are!! I knew it is me who will make a decition.....try and jump over to the other side  fall into that gap and not jsut finish my rehab and die.

prestrasena sem saj vem da je odlocitev na meni. kaksen svet me caka na drugi strani nevem, in to me strasi. ce ostanem tukaj in se predam, sem varnejsa, vsaj vem, kako ziveti, ceprav mislim da mi je jasno, da bom tako kmalu umrla. niti se ne bojim smrti, zelja po zivljenju ni odlocilnega pomena pri moji odlocitvi. sama sem in kolena se mi tresejo, kaj naj naredim?
nimam niti malo obcutka kako dalec sem ze prisla in kaj to pomeni in nevem, zakaj naj bi si podarila zivljenje. bulimija se igra z mano, saj ko pomislim na fanta, ki je moja najvecja inspiracija, in si skusam predstavljati najino skupno zivljenje in tako poiskati moc za preskok, mi bulimija grozi, da me bo fant zapustil, da na koncu tako ali tako ne bova uspela in da si samo zatiskam oci, ko mislim, da imava posebno zvezo. pravi mi, da posebne zveze ni in da slej kot prej svi pademo v zacaran krog pasivnosti, varanja in neodobravanja svojega pratnerja. seveda mi je zivljenje serviralo z vsaj petimi zgodbami o varanju v samo enem mesecu, in sprva mi ni bilo jasno zakaj mi daje toliko zgodb a sem mislim da dojela njegov namen.... lahko sem razbrala ZAKAJ se varajo, saj vsi imeli enake zgodbe in tako jasneje videla, da se moja zveza popolnoma razlikuje od njihovih.
seveda me muci, da nimam nobene garancije da bo moj fant ostal zvest.
ampak tako stojim na eni strani, popolnoma nesproscena do svoje zveze, polna strahu in dvom, obdana z zgodbami o varanju in nespostovanju, to je edini svet, ki ga poznam........prave ljubezni ne poznam........in odlociti se moram, ali bom reskirala in skocila na drugo stran prepada, kjer naj bi bojda obstajala prava, brezpogojna ljubezen ali bom ostala na tej strani, se pustila strahu in verjela, da zvestoba ne obstaja.
nisem se popolnoma odlocena, ampak cuitm, da se pocasi stvari umirjajo in se kristalizirajo in v tem trenutku vem, da bom preskocila prepad in se predala brezpogojni ljubezni, zvestemu partnerju in nesebicnemu odnosu. cutim, da lahko verjamem, da sem drugacna, in to v pozitivnem smislu, da je moj odnos z mojim fantom povsem drugacen, da najina pot ni enostavna ampak le tako poglabljava odnos in se ljubiva. cutim, da verjamem v resnicno ljubezen in da jo imam, da ne bom ostala na strani strahu. skocila bom. predala se bom. dovolj sem mocna, da verjamem, da sem konec koncev nekaj lepega in da imam bogat in iskren odnos s svojim partnerjem, ki je v tem bolanem svetu zal prava redkost.

mislim da je cas, da odvrzem oklep.

Lahko da bom prevarana in razocarana, lahko da bom prevarala in razocarala, ampak vso energijo in moc posvecava s fantom temu, da se to ne bo zgodilo. cas je, da zaupam in verjamem, da morda pa le nisem grozen clovek, ki prinasa nesreco.
tako rada bi se sprostila. tako rada bi se predala ljubezni.
tako rada bi verjela in le ljubila ter zivela. sproscen, mocno, pogumno, predano.

Zdravnica mi je zadnjic rekla, da se poslavljam od bulimije in da me caka tezko obdobje, saj je to poslavljanje bolece, predvsem za bulimijo, in da bo na vsak nacin zelela ostati z mano in da bo tudi mene preprlavil dvom, in mislim, da razumem, kaj mi je zelela povedat.
bulimija zame predstavlja varen svet.
in oklep, katerag cutim da bi rada odvrgla, je verjetno moja preteklost, moj strah in moja bulimija.
rada bi se pokazala taksna kot sem.
seveda me je strah, da bom ranjena, priznam, ampak mislim da sem ravno zacutila zeljo, potrebo in moc, da naredim naslednji korak.

Po vsaki epizodi, abstinencni krizi, se dejansko pocutim mocnejso.
Ampak tako me je strah.