lying on my bed, not able to move.
my body is paralized and all I can do is weakly feel bad and listen to the voice in my head.
I shut myself down, i dont want to see anyone and talk to anyone, i deleted all the people from my contacts in my pphn, all the people on facebook and i am keeping alone.
I am disconnected with my body, I feel nothing.
I dont believe anything and just about anything can make me feel lonely.
I have no faith and all i do is overthinking.
even my boyfriend cant make me feel good these days, he seems to be tired helping me out all the time.
i have no faith in people and i live in constant fear and with feeling of guilt.
i still havent figured out what is the guilt here for, but my parents are all the time on my mind and i feel like i need to prove something again. could be nothing and it is just my mind telling me shit, but i am so not relaxed when think of mom and dad. last weekend was very hard for me with them around and i dont wanna see or hear from them for a little while. i need space from them.
i dont take any care of myself, it has been just last two days that I made myself nice meals and had breakfast, ten days before, i barely ate anything and if so, i just ate bread. i lost a lot of weight and you will not believe but when i see myself in the mirror, i dont get any excited. i dont care but always believed if only i lose weight i will feel good.....yah my ass, not true. i feel nothing.
i cant see trough my thoughts. i cant even see my body.
yesterday in bed, i tried to do my "homework" and go to my body, and so i did my little body meditation and it took me some time but when i finaly felt my body, i tought i will lose it. every little bit of my body got that nervous feeling i couldnt handle it. my arms and shoulders got very heavy and my kydney area got in a big pain. the feeling was so awful it felt like i am fat so i started crying. i couldnt take it anymore.
then my friend txted me how am i doing and i told her i am dealing with depression, so she told me she will help me with energy and asked me to close my eyes and ask angels to help me. i did that and i could feel how they (angels) were trying very hard to erase bad thoughts from my mind. everytime i wanted to thinkn of something negative, soon after, that very same thought changed into nice memory i have. soon my head was filled with nice thoughts, all the nice memories came out. and everytime there was a negative thought, even nicer memory came out. i could feel someone took care of me and after about 20 minutes i fell asleep and slept trough the night without nightmares!!
I got up feeling strange, very scared.
I put some reggae on and tried not to move my body, it was a pleasant feeling i wanted to go on and on.
i got msg from my friend asking how am feeling today and i really appreciated it. for a secont i felt strength i will be able to take care of myself today and so i txted my friend if she has time for a coffee today so I am meeting her at two, i also set up time for horseback riding next week and did my laundry, had breakfast but soon after all the joy was gone. and i am feeling shitty now again.
my doctor said i need to be with that shitty feeling, with the feeling of sadness, i need to be nice to myself.
she also tells me always to start doing "body meditation" on regular bases and i never seem to do it. i try often but emotons are too strong so i stop. just like yesterday for example-. but she said that is the only way to recover, since there is so much in my body and it has to go out. i need to take that time.
so will do it today.
after the catch up with my friend, i will take time and do it.
i am so tired of rehab, i am so tired i cant tell.
it is not i fell like giving up or anythng but i am tired.
i have too much on my shoulders now. i cant take it anymore.
i need to save myself. i cant do it much longer.
what is real and what isnt?
i am so confused.
i am not ok.
i feel nothing.
i need sleep and i need time for myself. i dont take time and i dont listen to myself waht i want.
why i am so afraid of my parents now days?
where is this coming from?
all the old emotions came out.
i am trying to fix my car but have no money so my parents told me to take a loan from bank and i actually asked for loan but i cant get it and now im feeling guilty and dont know how to tell them. it is not big deal in a real life but just the fact i need to explain myself and let them know the opposite of what they believe in...............i dont wanna deal with them.
i am so afraid.
my face is different, there is no smile on my face, my phone is shut down and i delete all the emails i get, i dont wanna have any contact with anyone. when walking outside, i see nothing, i dont even know which day is it. i dont hear anyone and i dont smell anything.
i just feel a little bit of pressure on my chests that releases with particular triggers and then i endlessly cry. after some crying, i go back to "not feeling anything" mode!
my energy is passive, i know i need to run it up again, hopefully today with a hang out with my friend. hopefully she can wake up soemthing inside that is on mute at the moment and inspire me a bit.
i am totally not motivated and have no faith in myself.
fuck off!
Friday, November 23, 2012
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Depressed.
"When did u discovered you are so gifted for work with children with special needs?" asked me art teacher.
"I havent yet!" I answered.
"Then who discovered your gift?" she asked again.
"the boys mother!" i answered.
next day that very same teacher brought me little something. it was a candel and a little indian prayer.
so thoughtful but my ego yelled at me: "dont you dare to believe you are something special. she doesnt know what shes talking about. beside that you are the awful one, you have never brought her anything."
in the same week there was a math teacher who said: "we love you so much!" and she gave me a hug.
I gave her a little smile and ran into my classroom crying and feeling awful aboutmyself, i dont deserve people love me.
at my friends wedding in the same week, there was a guy who approached to me and told me: "you are so sweet, i really like you and your style!"
ofcourse that was a nice trigger for my ego to start torturing me. "you are ugly and lame, he doesnt know what he is talking about. dont you dare to believe he really like you!"
for our thanksgivving dinner ar school kids made some crafts for me, saying: "we love you!" "I love my teacher ___!" "you are the best teacher on the world!" and my mind was like: "oh those are just kids, they will soon forget about you, you are nobody!"
also for the thanksgiving event I made some little project for my class and all the teachers admired it, came in the classroom and all were "wow, amazing!" ... i gave them little smile and left the classroom, couldnt listent to their comliments and my ego dragged me outside, preaching me "you could do it better, you ar eno special!"
then on monday there was one teacher told me: "when i give you a compliment your body completely freezes."
oh really??
I cant handle compliments, i feel like people are making fun of me, at least thats what the voice in my head tells me.
and thats how i spent last two weeks convincing myself i am nobody and i am the lamest person on the world, who doesnt deserve one bit of the basic respect.
my mind didnt shut for even a minute, and so i am not very exhausted and my entire body hurts like i ran marathon. my kydneys hurt and i have terrible headache, my muscles are in burning pain.
i am so out of my body. refusing all good that i might be.
i feel very depressed and tired.
I feel nothing but selfhate.
Last saturday at wedding i felt so bad about my image i couldnt dance and leave the chair.
i missed the days when i didnt hate my body that much, so bad!
I tried few times to dance, but all i could think of was how fat my body is.
when it was dinner time, it was selfservice, i was fairly hungry so i believed i put normal amount of food on my plate, but when i made it back to the table i realized i only put one slice of cheeze and little bit of salad on. i ended up even more hungry but was too embarased to go refill my plate. later when there was the maiin dinner i was putting food on my plate and the voice in my head was telling me: "stop now, you have huge food already!" so i went to the table and sadly realized again, i put little potato and 3 calamri on!" i was left hungry again. bad feeling about myself grew and grew and i couldnt hold my tears any more. i cried so manytimes and finally, at 1130 pm i gave up and asked my brother to take me home.
i had big breakdown at home but very soon i fell asleep and didnt move a bit until morning. sunday was even more depressed and i couldnt wait to be back at my place. when made it home it was a bit better, but my body was still in big pain. next day at work everyone noticed how tired i am. i couldnt lift the smallest kid up, i couldnt. i was so tired and depressed.
one kid, highschooler tho, came to me and told me he noticed i had been very sad for over a week.
oh my, kids shouldnt now that.
tuesday was even more fucked up, i was so tired i cried. i had my therapy but really didnt feel like going, all i needed was sleep, and from all the pain i felt in my body i cried like a chiled.
i went to the therapy, the season wasnt easy tho and for the perfectly awful day, my car got taken away as i parked wrong and so i needed to pay 100euros to get it back and 40 for ticket for parking wrong.
ofcourse i cried all night long because i struggle so much with money now and i dont need any other struggles at the moment. i still havent fixed my car from 3 weeks ago because i dont have enough money.
i am so sad.
yesterday was a bit better and day at work was happy but as soon as the school was over the good day was over. i got missed call from my dad and i snaped it. i get so nervous when he calls me, i cant talk to him, because he will say something bad or at least remind me of something bad in my life. i was so upset that when i made it home i fell into bed and fell asleep in a second. it was 4pm and i woke up 930pm to talk to my boyfriend. after we finished talking, i fell asleep again and tho i had bad dreams, i made it trough the night.
i have day off today and i am feeling very awful with feeling of guilt. i have to figure out why i am feeling this way. i wanna dedicate today to myself and really take care of myself and live in peace.
i wanna pray to god, eat good food and rest a lot.
i am so tired of dealing with bulimia, so tired.
I am broken!
I need rest. i need to catch up with myself and my needs. i need to see what is bothering me and be gantle to myself, i need to give some love and respect to myself. ego makes my self sad.
i cant be sad.
but i am feeling awful at the moment.
"I havent yet!" I answered.
"Then who discovered your gift?" she asked again.
"the boys mother!" i answered.
next day that very same teacher brought me little something. it was a candel and a little indian prayer.
so thoughtful but my ego yelled at me: "dont you dare to believe you are something special. she doesnt know what shes talking about. beside that you are the awful one, you have never brought her anything."
in the same week there was a math teacher who said: "we love you so much!" and she gave me a hug.
I gave her a little smile and ran into my classroom crying and feeling awful aboutmyself, i dont deserve people love me.
at my friends wedding in the same week, there was a guy who approached to me and told me: "you are so sweet, i really like you and your style!"
ofcourse that was a nice trigger for my ego to start torturing me. "you are ugly and lame, he doesnt know what he is talking about. dont you dare to believe he really like you!"
for our thanksgivving dinner ar school kids made some crafts for me, saying: "we love you!" "I love my teacher ___!" "you are the best teacher on the world!" and my mind was like: "oh those are just kids, they will soon forget about you, you are nobody!"
also for the thanksgiving event I made some little project for my class and all the teachers admired it, came in the classroom and all were "wow, amazing!" ... i gave them little smile and left the classroom, couldnt listent to their comliments and my ego dragged me outside, preaching me "you could do it better, you ar eno special!"
then on monday there was one teacher told me: "when i give you a compliment your body completely freezes."
oh really??
I cant handle compliments, i feel like people are making fun of me, at least thats what the voice in my head tells me.
and thats how i spent last two weeks convincing myself i am nobody and i am the lamest person on the world, who doesnt deserve one bit of the basic respect.
my mind didnt shut for even a minute, and so i am not very exhausted and my entire body hurts like i ran marathon. my kydneys hurt and i have terrible headache, my muscles are in burning pain.
i am so out of my body. refusing all good that i might be.
i feel very depressed and tired.
I feel nothing but selfhate.
Last saturday at wedding i felt so bad about my image i couldnt dance and leave the chair.
i missed the days when i didnt hate my body that much, so bad!
I tried few times to dance, but all i could think of was how fat my body is.
when it was dinner time, it was selfservice, i was fairly hungry so i believed i put normal amount of food on my plate, but when i made it back to the table i realized i only put one slice of cheeze and little bit of salad on. i ended up even more hungry but was too embarased to go refill my plate. later when there was the maiin dinner i was putting food on my plate and the voice in my head was telling me: "stop now, you have huge food already!" so i went to the table and sadly realized again, i put little potato and 3 calamri on!" i was left hungry again. bad feeling about myself grew and grew and i couldnt hold my tears any more. i cried so manytimes and finally, at 1130 pm i gave up and asked my brother to take me home.
i had big breakdown at home but very soon i fell asleep and didnt move a bit until morning. sunday was even more depressed and i couldnt wait to be back at my place. when made it home it was a bit better, but my body was still in big pain. next day at work everyone noticed how tired i am. i couldnt lift the smallest kid up, i couldnt. i was so tired and depressed.
one kid, highschooler tho, came to me and told me he noticed i had been very sad for over a week.
oh my, kids shouldnt now that.
tuesday was even more fucked up, i was so tired i cried. i had my therapy but really didnt feel like going, all i needed was sleep, and from all the pain i felt in my body i cried like a chiled.
i went to the therapy, the season wasnt easy tho and for the perfectly awful day, my car got taken away as i parked wrong and so i needed to pay 100euros to get it back and 40 for ticket for parking wrong.
ofcourse i cried all night long because i struggle so much with money now and i dont need any other struggles at the moment. i still havent fixed my car from 3 weeks ago because i dont have enough money.
i am so sad.
yesterday was a bit better and day at work was happy but as soon as the school was over the good day was over. i got missed call from my dad and i snaped it. i get so nervous when he calls me, i cant talk to him, because he will say something bad or at least remind me of something bad in my life. i was so upset that when i made it home i fell into bed and fell asleep in a second. it was 4pm and i woke up 930pm to talk to my boyfriend. after we finished talking, i fell asleep again and tho i had bad dreams, i made it trough the night.
i have day off today and i am feeling very awful with feeling of guilt. i have to figure out why i am feeling this way. i wanna dedicate today to myself and really take care of myself and live in peace.
i wanna pray to god, eat good food and rest a lot.
i am so tired of dealing with bulimia, so tired.
I am broken!
i cant be sad.
but i am feeling awful at the moment.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
over-thinking is my over-weight
Finally got back together.
My bulimia voice is quite and I am trying hard to feel good.
I took weekend off, dedicated it to myself only. even my boyfriend is away so I can sleep in and go early to bed. I didnt sleep well last night tho, but my day was better than night. I got to clean up my apartment and also myself.nothing special happened, but I am resting.
i asked my boyfriend to change my facebook password so I dont have access to facebook and I can tell my week has been calmer in a way. but on the other hand facebook-free week showed unpleasant truth about myself....
since I am not spending time on facebook, there is much free time, and my first thought was: great, now i have time to meditate again, and do some art and yoga.
but first day with extra time, i realized I am such a bug. when i took time and wanted to just sit down, I couldnt sit still for more than 3 minutes....after three minutes I became very nervous and rushed myself back to the "over-thinking-mode". after some time i tried to read a book and again, after few minutes i became very nervous and told myself I will read later, i have no time now!
no time now??
what will you do? oooh, let me guess: over-think again!!!
then i tried again, wanted to do the dishes and do my laundry, but after i washed two mugs, i became nervous again, like i am missing something and it felt again like am losing control, so i dropped washing dishes and went back to my bedroom where i continued over-thinnking. and it has been like this for the whole week. i keep thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and when it seems i thought about everything, i think some more. insane!!! and i always find something negative in every thought and so i tourture myself, fearing the future and fearing my own self.
friend of mine called me for caffee, and i told her i might not have time.................i ended up not having time............because i needed to do: over-thinking!!
i am thinking about my family, about bulimia, about people around the world that i could help them, about kids with fucked up families, about my brother, about my friends, about my boyfriend andmy relationship of course, then more about bulimia and even more about bulimia and about my future and about world, about poverty, about wars, about book i am about to publish, about myself, my needs, my past, my childhood and some more about people in need, about my last night dreams, about god, universe, faith, about what can i do for the better world, how can i help those who suffer from eating disorders even more, how to become amassador for children, about my purpuse and my mission, about the reason why i got bulimia, what can i use it for, about the comliments i have recently got from people, about emotions, feelings, hopes, dreams, analyzing mysefl, my friends, my kids from school, my family, my bulimia part, my real part, figuring out what is real and what isnt, thniknig of how can i become better person, planning what to do, then thinking more about bulimia and on and on!!!
I miss all the joy of Now letting my mind lead my thoughts.
i am looking for problems where there is no problems, looking for negativity where there is no negativity. spending time looking myself in mirror, estimating my weight, living empty life with no feelings. living life in my mind. doing nothing real.
I am totally not realxed and totally not enjoying life.
afterall i progressed fucking much and i should enjoy my recovered life, but i dont, i rather over-think.
i am all over the place.
at the moment i am thinking a lot about starting something like youth center for children and youth who struggle with their families. but in this lovely slovenia this is not that easy to start. people are not willing to come out of their shells. i might be wrong but there is not many options i could use to start my little project.
i am also putting my blog into novel form. my book about Life with bulimia will come out.
however this is big thing, i am not feeling anything.
i am not feeling any excitement about anything.
I only get excited at work sometimes when i see the progress my kids made. i get very excited but after few minutes all is gone.
I just wanna enjoy the respect i get from people, my boyfriend and from kids.
I get so many comlipments every day, some of them are huge, but they dont come into my heart.
my boyfriend calls me amazing and poointing out my uniqueness everyday, he tells me he loves me. at work i get big compliments from other teachers, my director, parent and kids.
The other day three moms told me how they love my style of dressing up, how special and unique it is. half of the parents from school approached to me personaly and told me how amazing teacher I am and how much they admire me. not only parents from kids I teach but bunch of others. they go to my director and compliment me. they are amazed about my energy and kindness. the other day we had some people from states that give marks to schools outside states and they heard me work and they told to the director i am very gifted and he should encourage me to level up wth my education and get higher. he called me to his office and told me about it and again, it wasnt the first time, he told me i am natural teacher, very gifted and he will do his best to assure my future as a teacher will be successful. one mom approached the other day and asked me if she can have some privat hours with me before they leave slovenia. parents keep asking me if i can come work with their kids in afternoon and all the kids from our school wanna hang out and or play with me. little kids keep asking me to play with them and hugging me and telling me they love me, bugger kids show their respect with talking to me about their problems. yah, teaching is my mission, but at the end of the day i fall asleep empty, thinking how awful person i am, who has nothing to give.
Overthinking is killing me, i just wanna be able to lay back and enjoy the good of me, be happy and proud. appreciate my relationship, my work and my mission. I just wanna relax and enjoy.
but everything else matter more.
I am drowning in my thought!
I cant breath, i dont see anything, i dont feel anything.
where to start*
it is such a big process to get rid of all the extra thought and come closer to myself. i know that. and all those extra thought are my (body) weight. I can feel it.
I have to train myself to go one step in time.
challange myself to focus on one thing a day/week. tostart all over and start in a beginning.
start with ME.
TODAY. NOW.
vem da je to bistvena tezava in je vsa poanta v tem, da se osredotocim na eno stvar, se ji posvetim, jo razumem in cutim, in se ne razdajam naokoli, ker pac ne morem resit celega sveta in ne morem spremenit ljudi, lahko pa spremenim sebe in pomagam nekaterim in seveda dovolim, da nekateri pomagajo meni. vsa poanta je v tem, da se osredotocim na sebe v tem trenutku in sledim potrebam, ki jih imam v tem trenutku - jaz. potrebe, ki jih imam jaz. niti ne vem kateri jezik cutim bolj: anglescino ali slovensccino. si mislim da sem tako prazna ker razmisljam v anglescini in pac ne cutim jezika, ampak vsakic ko poskusim s slovenscino, koncam z anglescino in edino misli v anglescini me privedejo do soocenja sama s sabo. ma nevem, vcasih pa pac ni tko. se ena stvar, k bi jo rada mela pod kontrolo in bi jo rada popredalckala. k da je vazno, vazno da nekaj cutim. iste dvome in dileme mam ko se spravljam jest.....a bom jedla nekaj kar mi je dobro in me bo na nek nacin osreclo al bom jedla neki kar je bojda zdravo. ma ko da ma kj veze. follow the heart al kako ze. nespomnem se kdaj sm nazadnje vprasala srce kako se pocuti in kaj zeli. vedno je sam glava al pa telo. no sej telo je ok, telesa sploh ne upostevam glede na to kolk mi ma za povedat, ampak srce je neki pozabljeno pr meni.
vse ostalo je bl pomembno kot sm pa jst pomembna.
just fuck it.
sicer se velik bol zavedam stvari in vidm kaj mi in tut vidm da sm vsa rastesena in neprisotna, in mi je jasno kaj zelim dosec in tut sanja se mi kako pridt do tega,....ampak stavri niso glih preproste, zahtevajo veliko potrpljenja in veliko casa. tega pa jst ssvojo zivcno osebnostnjo nimam na pretak joj. k bi kr vse mela ZDJ ta trenutek bi bla rada zdrava in happy in cutila vse in oh in sploh.
in sploh, rada bi nardila vse prav. vse stoprocentno in se vedno mam v glavi neko perfekcijo.
se vedno se cekream v ogledalu da ja nism debela, dramaziziram in jamram in skoz mam neke probleme, sploh se ne nakuleram. vsak koscek hrane k ga dam v usta gre v usta z vprasanjem: se bom zredila? se vedno ne vem kaj je normalna porcija, v solo si nosim minimalne porcije za kosilo, ne jem cokolade in tko no.........sicer sem prepricana da je to moj OCD part, in moja potreba po tem kontroliranju vsega in to je velik del bulimije. to je bulimija. vsak dan treniram sama sebe da se mal sprostim, pa ja, gre pocasi.
zdj nabiralnik odprem samo dvakrat....enkrat pred sluzbo in enkrat po sluzbi! predn sm dojela svoj OCD problem sm odpirala nabiralnik vsakic ko sm sla mimo. telefona ne gledam konstantno in zvok za sporocila sm izkolipla, tko da vcasih se zgodi da dobim sms in ne skacem takoj da odpisem. se vedno konstantno cekeram mail in brisem spame in vse kar ma zravn (1). tut odmor od facebooka je del treninga. ni fora da mi je fb kul al ne, sploh nism bla aktivna neki blazno zadnje case na fb, ampak fb je nek svet, kjer se lahko zgodi kako (1) obvestilo.
Obsesija.
bulimiaj je moja obsesija. stevilke so moja obsesija.
but doing well. sm kr zadovolna.
My bulimia voice is quite and I am trying hard to feel good.
I took weekend off, dedicated it to myself only. even my boyfriend is away so I can sleep in and go early to bed. I didnt sleep well last night tho, but my day was better than night. I got to clean up my apartment and also myself.nothing special happened, but I am resting.
i asked my boyfriend to change my facebook password so I dont have access to facebook and I can tell my week has been calmer in a way. but on the other hand facebook-free week showed unpleasant truth about myself....
since I am not spending time on facebook, there is much free time, and my first thought was: great, now i have time to meditate again, and do some art and yoga.
but first day with extra time, i realized I am such a bug. when i took time and wanted to just sit down, I couldnt sit still for more than 3 minutes....after three minutes I became very nervous and rushed myself back to the "over-thinking-mode". after some time i tried to read a book and again, after few minutes i became very nervous and told myself I will read later, i have no time now!
no time now??
what will you do? oooh, let me guess: over-think again!!!
then i tried again, wanted to do the dishes and do my laundry, but after i washed two mugs, i became nervous again, like i am missing something and it felt again like am losing control, so i dropped washing dishes and went back to my bedroom where i continued over-thinnking. and it has been like this for the whole week. i keep thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and when it seems i thought about everything, i think some more. insane!!! and i always find something negative in every thought and so i tourture myself, fearing the future and fearing my own self.
friend of mine called me for caffee, and i told her i might not have time.................i ended up not having time............because i needed to do: over-thinking!!
i am thinking about my family, about bulimia, about people around the world that i could help them, about kids with fucked up families, about my brother, about my friends, about my boyfriend andmy relationship of course, then more about bulimia and even more about bulimia and about my future and about world, about poverty, about wars, about book i am about to publish, about myself, my needs, my past, my childhood and some more about people in need, about my last night dreams, about god, universe, faith, about what can i do for the better world, how can i help those who suffer from eating disorders even more, how to become amassador for children, about my purpuse and my mission, about the reason why i got bulimia, what can i use it for, about the comliments i have recently got from people, about emotions, feelings, hopes, dreams, analyzing mysefl, my friends, my kids from school, my family, my bulimia part, my real part, figuring out what is real and what isnt, thniknig of how can i become better person, planning what to do, then thinking more about bulimia and on and on!!!
I miss all the joy of Now letting my mind lead my thoughts.
i am looking for problems where there is no problems, looking for negativity where there is no negativity. spending time looking myself in mirror, estimating my weight, living empty life with no feelings. living life in my mind. doing nothing real.
I am totally not realxed and totally not enjoying life.
afterall i progressed fucking much and i should enjoy my recovered life, but i dont, i rather over-think.
i am all over the place.
at the moment i am thinking a lot about starting something like youth center for children and youth who struggle with their families. but in this lovely slovenia this is not that easy to start. people are not willing to come out of their shells. i might be wrong but there is not many options i could use to start my little project.
i am also putting my blog into novel form. my book about Life with bulimia will come out.
however this is big thing, i am not feeling anything.
i am not feeling any excitement about anything.
I only get excited at work sometimes when i see the progress my kids made. i get very excited but after few minutes all is gone.
I just wanna enjoy the respect i get from people, my boyfriend and from kids.
I get so many comlipments every day, some of them are huge, but they dont come into my heart.
my boyfriend calls me amazing and poointing out my uniqueness everyday, he tells me he loves me. at work i get big compliments from other teachers, my director, parent and kids.
The other day three moms told me how they love my style of dressing up, how special and unique it is. half of the parents from school approached to me personaly and told me how amazing teacher I am and how much they admire me. not only parents from kids I teach but bunch of others. they go to my director and compliment me. they are amazed about my energy and kindness. the other day we had some people from states that give marks to schools outside states and they heard me work and they told to the director i am very gifted and he should encourage me to level up wth my education and get higher. he called me to his office and told me about it and again, it wasnt the first time, he told me i am natural teacher, very gifted and he will do his best to assure my future as a teacher will be successful. one mom approached the other day and asked me if she can have some privat hours with me before they leave slovenia. parents keep asking me if i can come work with their kids in afternoon and all the kids from our school wanna hang out and or play with me. little kids keep asking me to play with them and hugging me and telling me they love me, bugger kids show their respect with talking to me about their problems. yah, teaching is my mission, but at the end of the day i fall asleep empty, thinking how awful person i am, who has nothing to give.
Overthinking is killing me, i just wanna be able to lay back and enjoy the good of me, be happy and proud. appreciate my relationship, my work and my mission. I just wanna relax and enjoy.
but everything else matter more.
I am drowning in my thought!
I cant breath, i dont see anything, i dont feel anything.
where to start*
it is such a big process to get rid of all the extra thought and come closer to myself. i know that. and all those extra thought are my (body) weight. I can feel it.
I have to train myself to go one step in time.
challange myself to focus on one thing a day/week. tostart all over and start in a beginning.
start with ME.
TODAY. NOW.
vse ostalo je bl pomembno kot sm pa jst pomembna.
just fuck it.
sicer se velik bol zavedam stvari in vidm kaj mi in tut vidm da sm vsa rastesena in neprisotna, in mi je jasno kaj zelim dosec in tut sanja se mi kako pridt do tega,....ampak stavri niso glih preproste, zahtevajo veliko potrpljenja in veliko casa. tega pa jst ssvojo zivcno osebnostnjo nimam na pretak joj. k bi kr vse mela ZDJ ta trenutek bi bla rada zdrava in happy in cutila vse in oh in sploh.
in sploh, rada bi nardila vse prav. vse stoprocentno in se vedno mam v glavi neko perfekcijo.
se vedno se cekream v ogledalu da ja nism debela, dramaziziram in jamram in skoz mam neke probleme, sploh se ne nakuleram. vsak koscek hrane k ga dam v usta gre v usta z vprasanjem: se bom zredila? se vedno ne vem kaj je normalna porcija, v solo si nosim minimalne porcije za kosilo, ne jem cokolade in tko no.........sicer sem prepricana da je to moj OCD part, in moja potreba po tem kontroliranju vsega in to je velik del bulimije. to je bulimija. vsak dan treniram sama sebe da se mal sprostim, pa ja, gre pocasi.
zdj nabiralnik odprem samo dvakrat....enkrat pred sluzbo in enkrat po sluzbi! predn sm dojela svoj OCD problem sm odpirala nabiralnik vsakic ko sm sla mimo. telefona ne gledam konstantno in zvok za sporocila sm izkolipla, tko da vcasih se zgodi da dobim sms in ne skacem takoj da odpisem. se vedno konstantno cekeram mail in brisem spame in vse kar ma zravn (1). tut odmor od facebooka je del treninga. ni fora da mi je fb kul al ne, sploh nism bla aktivna neki blazno zadnje case na fb, ampak fb je nek svet, kjer se lahko zgodi kako (1) obvestilo.
Obsesija.
bulimiaj je moja obsesija. stevilke so moja obsesija.
but doing well. sm kr zadovolna.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
guilt trip
Im in shock.
I am caught between present and past.
Which world to choose? Which one is real and whicone is a lie?
sometimes I feel clearly i gotta aim to my new future but simetimes I feel like theres no better life ahead, and I am just making it all up that my past isnt that bad and my parents did a great job.
But as a teacher I see everyday how I create those kids and i see clearly the power of my words and of my behaving. It is break it or make it.
The only way to raise a healthy child is to try and understand his personality and support the good and love him unconditionaly. there is no money on the world that can buy health personality.
spending quality time with kid in a proper way is the only way to teach child he is good and unique the way he is. so I am thinking if i ended up growing up pretty damaged means my parents didnt do their job properly. it is not to raise a perfect kid, theres no such thing, but at least as a healthy himan being.
I grew up hating myself, refusing my qualities and seeing myself ugly.
if you ask my parents they would answer it is me who made myself believe all that and I have been very difficutl teenager, but if you ask me I answer: I was difficult teenager but no teenager is easy to handle, but I was beyond difficult, hit the depression at age 12, hating mylife and myself....i think if by that time they learned me how to love myself it wouldnt be that bad.
but as soon as i let myself be a little bit upset with them I feel guilty and the voice in my head tells me:"you ungrateful bitch!!"
am i ungrateful bitch?
my doctor says those are voices from the past and has nothing to do with my present and so do my friends say ... that their parents never treated them that way and that i am very strong and pure ........ but i disagree.
i am crapy woman.
tho i could at least look at myself as a good woman with some crapy issues.
today at work i got to talk to another teacher we had coffee together and he asked me how am I. i told him honestly am fine but also been better. started chatting and told him i struggle with my family and bla bla bla told him they make me feel awful about myself and he said: "they should see you teach!"
hes been a teacher for 25 years and his wife is a teacher as well so im assuming he knows what hes talking about. but i feel nothing. i feel am a bad person doing bad things
i dont trust myself when im surrended with ma and dad i feel like i could do bad things again and i constantly feel guilty about all the bad things i ve done so far, about all the lies i said about all the money i stole from my parents wolets about all the food i ate and all the things i hid. I feel awful everyday and cant let go my past, cant forgive myself and cant forgive my parents.
where is the line between past and present?
How to forgive myself? how to move on?
when i stay away from my family, live on my own, i am pretty honest person, i actually dont lie, dont do bad things and I smile and laugh a lot, but as soon as i come over their place, i shut down, shut the honesty and the spark is gone. i transform into the garbage can, eat shit and talk shit. i feel like they dont give me love and understanding.
has been 15 minths since i ve been on a rehab and they havent taken time to understand the seriousness of my illness. my father barely speak about it, he never showed any interests and my mom did in a first month then she just focused on my food and my weight. fuck it i dont need and want anyone telling me i lost weight and counting my meals. eating regulary and not vomiting doesnt make me bulimiafree, my mind is still fucked up and i still live with bulimia. i hate they are this way. i know this is my recovery process and eventually i will stop being angry with my parents but at this point I need them to understand my illness and i need them to understand they are huge part of it.
they believe they didnt fuck up anything and all is just in my head and they have no clue how it got into my head, and everytime i try to tell them the way they treated me wasnt the right way they shut me down: "oh dont be ungrateful. you were difficult teen and if we didnt treat you the way we did you would be homeless now and a junkie."
they just dont want to hear me up.
I dont know what to think, i dont know what is right and what is wrong.
i dont. what if they are right?
then am screwed, then theres no help for me, theres not hope for me then i better just die. then i really am the worst human being. but it cant be true!!
i didnt choose bulimia. i didnt choose selfhate just because i have nothing better to do with mylife. i didnt choose to be that sensitive, that is who i am and they didnt listened up to me ever.
i was so brainwashed. so bad!!!
what is the truuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuth???????
who to trust if i dont trust my own fucking self????????????
one minute am angry next moment im on a guilt trip! aaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!
maybe is just me??
is it just me?
what is real??
im so confused and so lost.
i dont know what to do next.
i just wanna fall asleep for a while and wake up when the worst is over.
i just txted my cousin asking him to remind me if its me whos to blame for everything or my parents were really fucked up and he said I ma not confused I just see things more clearly now. i see things i have never seen before.
the same things my doctor told me.
what is happening to me is that i am seeing things I havent seen before.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!
how to let go.
I am sad. I feel like a last person on the worold.
i feel like i dont deserve any love-
my friend called me and she was telling me i spent too much time at their place and i need to accept the fact that my family wnet wrong way with me and let go. it will take time.
she is right but i cant believe it.
i dont feel my good friends.
i dont feel anyone.
i dont even feel my boyfriend at this point because I dont deserve him.
I am bad person.
i only cause harm.
i stink.
there is something wrong with me.
i ma not normal.
i can hear these words are my mom and dads words, i can hear it, but i believe to those words. those words seem to be more right than mine, saying: "even if i was a bad person, i am good now."
im not feeling good about myself i am feeling so fucking guilty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
guilty for who I am.
when im alone am doing so much better!
I am caught between present and past.
Which world to choose? Which one is real and whicone is a lie?
sometimes I feel clearly i gotta aim to my new future but simetimes I feel like theres no better life ahead, and I am just making it all up that my past isnt that bad and my parents did a great job.
But as a teacher I see everyday how I create those kids and i see clearly the power of my words and of my behaving. It is break it or make it.
The only way to raise a healthy child is to try and understand his personality and support the good and love him unconditionaly. there is no money on the world that can buy health personality.
spending quality time with kid in a proper way is the only way to teach child he is good and unique the way he is. so I am thinking if i ended up growing up pretty damaged means my parents didnt do their job properly. it is not to raise a perfect kid, theres no such thing, but at least as a healthy himan being.
I grew up hating myself, refusing my qualities and seeing myself ugly.
if you ask my parents they would answer it is me who made myself believe all that and I have been very difficutl teenager, but if you ask me I answer: I was difficult teenager but no teenager is easy to handle, but I was beyond difficult, hit the depression at age 12, hating mylife and myself....i think if by that time they learned me how to love myself it wouldnt be that bad.
but as soon as i let myself be a little bit upset with them I feel guilty and the voice in my head tells me:"you ungrateful bitch!!"
am i ungrateful bitch?
my doctor says those are voices from the past and has nothing to do with my present and so do my friends say ... that their parents never treated them that way and that i am very strong and pure ........ but i disagree.
i am crapy woman.
tho i could at least look at myself as a good woman with some crapy issues.
today at work i got to talk to another teacher we had coffee together and he asked me how am I. i told him honestly am fine but also been better. started chatting and told him i struggle with my family and bla bla bla told him they make me feel awful about myself and he said: "they should see you teach!"
hes been a teacher for 25 years and his wife is a teacher as well so im assuming he knows what hes talking about. but i feel nothing. i feel am a bad person doing bad things
i dont trust myself when im surrended with ma and dad i feel like i could do bad things again and i constantly feel guilty about all the bad things i ve done so far, about all the lies i said about all the money i stole from my parents wolets about all the food i ate and all the things i hid. I feel awful everyday and cant let go my past, cant forgive myself and cant forgive my parents.
where is the line between past and present?
How to forgive myself? how to move on?
when i stay away from my family, live on my own, i am pretty honest person, i actually dont lie, dont do bad things and I smile and laugh a lot, but as soon as i come over their place, i shut down, shut the honesty and the spark is gone. i transform into the garbage can, eat shit and talk shit. i feel like they dont give me love and understanding.
has been 15 minths since i ve been on a rehab and they havent taken time to understand the seriousness of my illness. my father barely speak about it, he never showed any interests and my mom did in a first month then she just focused on my food and my weight. fuck it i dont need and want anyone telling me i lost weight and counting my meals. eating regulary and not vomiting doesnt make me bulimiafree, my mind is still fucked up and i still live with bulimia. i hate they are this way. i know this is my recovery process and eventually i will stop being angry with my parents but at this point I need them to understand my illness and i need them to understand they are huge part of it.
they believe they didnt fuck up anything and all is just in my head and they have no clue how it got into my head, and everytime i try to tell them the way they treated me wasnt the right way they shut me down: "oh dont be ungrateful. you were difficult teen and if we didnt treat you the way we did you would be homeless now and a junkie."
they just dont want to hear me up.
I dont know what to think, i dont know what is right and what is wrong.
i dont. what if they are right?
then am screwed, then theres no help for me, theres not hope for me then i better just die. then i really am the worst human being. but it cant be true!!
i didnt choose bulimia. i didnt choose selfhate just because i have nothing better to do with mylife. i didnt choose to be that sensitive, that is who i am and they didnt listened up to me ever.
i was so brainwashed. so bad!!!
what is the truuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuth???????
who to trust if i dont trust my own fucking self????????????
one minute am angry next moment im on a guilt trip! aaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!
maybe is just me??
is it just me?
what is real??
im so confused and so lost.
i dont know what to do next.
i just wanna fall asleep for a while and wake up when the worst is over.
i just txted my cousin asking him to remind me if its me whos to blame for everything or my parents were really fucked up and he said I ma not confused I just see things more clearly now. i see things i have never seen before.
the same things my doctor told me.
what is happening to me is that i am seeing things I havent seen before.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!
how to let go.
I am sad. I feel like a last person on the worold.
i feel like i dont deserve any love-
my friend called me and she was telling me i spent too much time at their place and i need to accept the fact that my family wnet wrong way with me and let go. it will take time.
she is right but i cant believe it.
i dont feel my good friends.
i dont feel anyone.
i dont even feel my boyfriend at this point because I dont deserve him.
I am bad person.
i only cause harm.
i stink.
there is something wrong with me.
i ma not normal.
i can hear these words are my mom and dads words, i can hear it, but i believe to those words. those words seem to be more right than mine, saying: "even if i was a bad person, i am good now."
im not feeling good about myself i am feeling so fucking guilty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
guilty for who I am.
when im alone am doing so much better!
Monday, November 5, 2012
is it time to say goodbye?
I havent fully recovered from emotional roller coaster.
There is still more questions than answers and some feelings unaddressed.
I feel fear and doubt.
I have tried to post my mess on here but soon after started writing, i didnt find words, not in englisha and not in slovene. I dont know how to put my thoughts together. so now im thinking it is not time to put anything together and all I gotta do is go away from everything and everyone, at least for a short time, to distance myself from everything and everyone.
but everytime I wanna take that time off in my mind, I end up on facebook doing shit (gosh i hate fb) or just doing nothing. i dont take time for my mind to go to those emotions inside, see what i feel and what i just pretend i feel, what is real and what just sounds good but isnt real, what is love and what is trust, who is worth it and who isnt, it is time to stop blinding myself.
if i dont cut off my past i will never recover and by my past i mean my friends that arent my friends but are just people i know for the whole life.
they are nothing to me but i ve never admited because they were always part of my life, but i ve just realized they just make mess and make me feel bad about myself.
I am ready for some honest and serious friendships and those people arent my friends so I need to sort those people. i grew up on a village where everyone knew eeryone and we are stuck together and play polite friends everytiem we meet, but nothing in those friendships is honest and real. those people sucks, they judge and dont respect. they make mess and bullshit yourlife and their minds are very narrow.
Those people are people from my parents place, also my parents and all who are anyhow connected with my past.
I delieted all those people from fb so that was probably first sign i dont want them but now I feel like it is time to really really cut this place off and just focus on my recovery and on my personality and on what i like.
my style is my art but my art is refused over here.
I have lived that bitter life all the time believing all the people judge and they dont let you be who you are, but now i think there are some cool people out there who support me and understand me and really respect me. people that let me be who i am. and those people are my real friends and I feel good about myself when i am with them. things make sense and everything is much easier. I am not that afraid of myself, my personality and I just relalized my favourite friends are all very good, creative and some of them very successful artists. and I am an artist myself. I belong to my new world.
i now see I have had all the basics totally messed up.
i need to take that risk and really go away.
say goodbye to my past.
all those days I have felt like something is holding me back and it is pretty irritating, all those doubts and fears....is there anything like a real love, is there loyalty, honesty, respect etc??
yah I would say no, because I grew up without any of it and thats all i know.
if oyu are different, they dont accept you, if you are in relationship you are cheated, if you say what you think, you are called rude and jerk, if you gain some weight, they point you out and if you lose some weight they point youu out as well, they are all over your life. and i think all those doubts and fears am going trough now are the cause of my sick past.
in this world real love doesnt exist, loyalty doesnt exist, honesty doesnt exist and there is no such thing as respect.
I grew up with fights and with cheating so thats the only world i know but for some reason I got something that doesnt fit into that world at all, something nice and gentle, soft and loyal, warm and respectful.
my world is different ...
so at this point i have to chose between Life I know and Life infont of me.
Email: recover.from.bulimia@gmail.com
Dear friends.
Those who follow my blog and my recovery know I have been active on blog for over a year now and at one point my blog wasnt only a safe place for me where I can puke my frustrations out, but for so many of you it has become a place that define you, inspire you, understand you and support you.
I have got many messages saying you like reading my blog because it helps you.
but blog is pretty much one way and since I know how important is to have an oportunity to talk about your bulimia and that is the only way you eventually understand what is happening to you i have created a special email where you can email me at all times. it is gmail account so there is also a chance we add eachother on a chat and we can chat.
if you need any support, advice or just a chat, I will be happy to read from you and give you support I am able to give at this point.
email:
recover.from.bulimia@gmail.com
Dont even think just let your emotions come out!
i will help as much as I can!
it is not just your problem and talking about your bulimia is the only way out.
If I can, everyone can!
Together!
Love and Light,
n xo
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dragi prijatelji!
Vsi ki spremljate moj blog veste, da sem na blogu aktivna ze vec kot eno leto in kar na enkrat moj blog ni bil le zatocisce meni, da pobruham svoje frustracije ampak je postal zatocisce mnogim izved vas, ki na vse pretege iscete pomoc in izhod.
Ker pa je blog bolj ko ne enosmerna komunikacija, in ker vem kako zelo je pomembno da vsak govori o svoji bulimiji neomejeno veliko in tako scasoma razume kaj se mu dogaja, sem se odlocila, da si ustavrim mail samo za vas...je gmail, tako da lahko tudi klepetamo na gmail chatu.
Z najvecjim veseljem bom prisluhnila tvoji zgodbi, in ce bom le lahko, bom pomagala s kakim nasvetom in upam da bom motiacija v tezkih trenutkih na bolj osebni ravni.
email:
recover.from.bulimia@gmail.com
Sploh ne razmisljaj ampak pisi in daj vse vn kar se ti nabira.
Pomagala bom kolikor bom lahko.
Bulimija ni samo tvoja tezava in odkrito pogovarjanje o bolezni je edina pot ven.
Vedno pravim: ce jaz lahko, lahko vsak!
SKUPAJ!!
Love and Light,
n xo
Those who follow my blog and my recovery know I have been active on blog for over a year now and at one point my blog wasnt only a safe place for me where I can puke my frustrations out, but for so many of you it has become a place that define you, inspire you, understand you and support you.
I have got many messages saying you like reading my blog because it helps you.
but blog is pretty much one way and since I know how important is to have an oportunity to talk about your bulimia and that is the only way you eventually understand what is happening to you i have created a special email where you can email me at all times. it is gmail account so there is also a chance we add eachother on a chat and we can chat.
if you need any support, advice or just a chat, I will be happy to read from you and give you support I am able to give at this point.
email:
recover.from.bulimia@gmail.com
Dont even think just let your emotions come out!
i will help as much as I can!
it is not just your problem and talking about your bulimia is the only way out.
If I can, everyone can!
Together!
Love and Light,
n xo
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dragi prijatelji!
Vsi ki spremljate moj blog veste, da sem na blogu aktivna ze vec kot eno leto in kar na enkrat moj blog ni bil le zatocisce meni, da pobruham svoje frustracije ampak je postal zatocisce mnogim izved vas, ki na vse pretege iscete pomoc in izhod.
Ker pa je blog bolj ko ne enosmerna komunikacija, in ker vem kako zelo je pomembno da vsak govori o svoji bulimiji neomejeno veliko in tako scasoma razume kaj se mu dogaja, sem se odlocila, da si ustavrim mail samo za vas...je gmail, tako da lahko tudi klepetamo na gmail chatu.
Z najvecjim veseljem bom prisluhnila tvoji zgodbi, in ce bom le lahko, bom pomagala s kakim nasvetom in upam da bom motiacija v tezkih trenutkih na bolj osebni ravni.
email:
recover.from.bulimia@gmail.com
Sploh ne razmisljaj ampak pisi in daj vse vn kar se ti nabira.
Pomagala bom kolikor bom lahko.
Bulimija ni samo tvoja tezava in odkrito pogovarjanje o bolezni je edina pot ven.
Vedno pravim: ce jaz lahko, lahko vsak!
SKUPAJ!!
Love and Light,
n xo
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Episode
my fall break has been an emotional disaster.
I believe bulimia had time to catch up with me since before break I was very busy and it happened I ingnored my frustrations. So first day started in tears, and so did the second day, the third on and all the days until yesterday. yesterday was a first day without crying.
I felt like someone died and so the saddnes fulfilled my entire body. tears were running wild, in the morning, after my first coffee, after talking to my boyfriend, after walking my dog, after my car broke down.......all the freaking time. I felt so lonely and so sad.
After couple of crying days I realized something bigger is happening and it was quite obvious it is anouther episode. my last one was in germany last summer and the topic of the episode was jealousy. it took me three months to deal with that emoton, understand it and place it into the right place and so fear came out to be healed. fear of being alone, fear of not being understood and accepted. fear of being rejected and fear of being let down.
every episode seems to be the hardest, I always say so, because it is unknown area, but thisone invloved people as well which has made it even harder. I have been very bitter lately, when It came to people, they annoyed me easily and they reminded me how big asses most of them are.
people made me feel unsecure and made me feel bad about myself, i had some weird and hard situations I was draged in but all i wanted was to yell: "leave me the fuck alone!!"
I had unpleasant experiance with my boyfriends mother, with friends who cheated and with my father who decided to freak out again because I blew my car's engine up...non of it I needed! all I needed was some qualuty and creative time with myself, some of the favorite friends of mine and my boyfriend. period!
I needed rest and lots of sleep.
I got NO rest and hardly any sleep.
I didnt have time for myself and I got stuck at my parents place, crying and feeling wournable and very close to bulimia. I felt her breath on my shoulders, I felt her in my room and I felt her presence at the table and in the bathroom. I havent been that close to vomit since break down in germany. All I wanted was to vomit, I used all the close friends who I trust to come baby sit me or else I will puke so bad. vomit went back and forth like crazy and my body was in huge pain. headache made me cry, kidney made me crumpy, my teeth ached, stomach, musles and joints. I was pale even my father noticed and I had fever, probably from crying.
every little thing freaked me out and made me wanna puke. not to binge tho, which was odd. only to puke.
I felt guilty for every little shit and guitly took such control over me I really wanted to disappear.
but I could understand what is happening and I did understand how bulimia works.
I was so weak and I really reached the edge.
Every little shit that freaked me out ended up torturing me about my relationship: "he will leave you!"
that was the hardest bit. I had no faith and fear took control.
I was making speeches in my head how to let my boyfriend go because he deserves much better girlfriend.
Poor man couldnt go surfing because of my breakdowns but he kept calm at all times.
I dont know what had happened yesterday but in the afternoon I felt much better.
actually i know.
I was like a zombie in the morning and the entire afternoon as I had a friend over and also she was telling me her stories of cheating but she left yesterday afternoon. i do care about her but this week I simply wasnt ready to deal with anyone else's problems so I was relived when she left. after I met my dearest friend and she is always such a good energy bomb. she brought me so many hand made gifts and gifts from LA. she is one of my fave artists and she really loves me and respects me and I do feel good with her and very honoured she is my best friend. we had out artist evening with tea and some painting, lots of meaningfull conversations and lots of laughing. so that is what made me feel good I guess, my little artist moment since my artist is put on hold while I stay at my parents place.
I made it back to their place tho because they are all away and so I am dog sitter. When made it back I got email from my boyfriend he is going out for breakfast and will be back in an hour. I waited for him but he was an hour late. i freaked out totally!!! i am trying hard to take it easy and be easy girlfriend but yesterday i just snapped. coulnt keep calm.
I am so tired of people, and I cant stop thinking about how stupid they are.
i dont even know whaich people I am talking about as I have my boyfriend and lots of very much amazing friends, but all the others are pain in the ass but I am not even sure if I could name them at this point. I just know I am annoyed by people that dont fit to my "favorite friends and byfriend" space.
I cant keep up.
I am still in a huge need of living slow and going deep into my emotions and in a big need of putting my self first and just take care of my own self, but I cant............................people dont understand that need so they keep selfish and they even judge.
they dont let me be and they dont care about my rehab but they give me bullshit.
i wish i could just pause the world but I cant. If i do that i will go back to bulimia side and I dont want it.
but i dont have enough confidence to say Fuck off yet so I keep bothering myself with their problems and their broken personalities. I take everything so personal and while I am torturing myself, they dont care.
people are selfish.
I think I am not expecting them to be more gentle with me because I am on a rehab, but I do expect from them to understand they have no right to mess up with my life becuase they slefish without even asking me "how is rehab going?" (i have those who know about my bulimia in mind now.)
I am a bit lost and confused,
I dont know what to think and where I am at the moment.
I am caught between recovered part of me and still ill part of me and those two worlds dont make any sense together.
I need to spend so much time to understand what is my past and what is my present.
for every little shit I have to ask myself: "hey, are you this way because there is past trying to say something or because you really feel this way?"
for every little shit.
when I wanna eat out of my feeding times I need to ask myself if I really feel like eating now or is bulimia who wants to eat.
when I get upset with my boyfriend I need to ask myself whether I am really upset or it is only my past personality in a need.
when I spend few days without makeup with baggy pants its a rad flag and I gotta ask myself: "do i really wanna just feel comfortable or i wanna cover my belly and fat as and everything that I am?"
I have NO rest.
it is on and on thing and I have to be 100% focused, concentrated and tougher so I keep myself safe otherwise bulimia finds a tiny little whole and sneak in.
and I am tired of it. so tired just wanna say Fuck it and lay down and not care.
but if i do this I lose everything I have gained so far, not only my relationship but also my Life!!
deep down I might be strong and wouldnt give up for anything but i have been staring to dead's eyes.
I have felt how close the gap and dead are!! I knew it is me who will make a decition.....try and jump over to the other side fall into that gap and not jsut finish my rehab and die.
prestrasena sem saj vem da je odlocitev na meni. kaksen svet me caka na drugi strani nevem, in to me strasi. ce ostanem tukaj in se predam, sem varnejsa, vsaj vem, kako ziveti, ceprav mislim da mi je jasno, da bom tako kmalu umrla. niti se ne bojim smrti, zelja po zivljenju ni odlocilnega pomena pri moji odlocitvi. sama sem in kolena se mi tresejo, kaj naj naredim?
nimam niti malo obcutka kako dalec sem ze prisla in kaj to pomeni in nevem, zakaj naj bi si podarila zivljenje. bulimija se igra z mano, saj ko pomislim na fanta, ki je moja najvecja inspiracija, in si skusam predstavljati najino skupno zivljenje in tako poiskati moc za preskok, mi bulimija grozi, da me bo fant zapustil, da na koncu tako ali tako ne bova uspela in da si samo zatiskam oci, ko mislim, da imava posebno zvezo. pravi mi, da posebne zveze ni in da slej kot prej svi pademo v zacaran krog pasivnosti, varanja in neodobravanja svojega pratnerja. seveda mi je zivljenje serviralo z vsaj petimi zgodbami o varanju v samo enem mesecu, in sprva mi ni bilo jasno zakaj mi daje toliko zgodb a sem mislim da dojela njegov namen.... lahko sem razbrala ZAKAJ se varajo, saj vsi imeli enake zgodbe in tako jasneje videla, da se moja zveza popolnoma razlikuje od njihovih.
seveda me muci, da nimam nobene garancije da bo moj fant ostal zvest.
ampak tako stojim na eni strani, popolnoma nesproscena do svoje zveze, polna strahu in dvom, obdana z zgodbami o varanju in nespostovanju, to je edini svet, ki ga poznam........prave ljubezni ne poznam........in odlociti se moram, ali bom reskirala in skocila na drugo stran prepada, kjer naj bi bojda obstajala prava, brezpogojna ljubezen ali bom ostala na tej strani, se pustila strahu in verjela, da zvestoba ne obstaja.
nisem se popolnoma odlocena, ampak cuitm, da se pocasi stvari umirjajo in se kristalizirajo in v tem trenutku vem, da bom preskocila prepad in se predala brezpogojni ljubezni, zvestemu partnerju in nesebicnemu odnosu. cutim, da lahko verjamem, da sem drugacna, in to v pozitivnem smislu, da je moj odnos z mojim fantom povsem drugacen, da najina pot ni enostavna ampak le tako poglabljava odnos in se ljubiva. cutim, da verjamem v resnicno ljubezen in da jo imam, da ne bom ostala na strani strahu. skocila bom. predala se bom. dovolj sem mocna, da verjamem, da sem konec koncev nekaj lepega in da imam bogat in iskren odnos s svojim partnerjem, ki je v tem bolanem svetu zal prava redkost.
mislim da je cas, da odvrzem oklep.
Lahko da bom prevarana in razocarana, lahko da bom prevarala in razocarala, ampak vso energijo in moc posvecava s fantom temu, da se to ne bo zgodilo. cas je, da zaupam in verjamem, da morda pa le nisem grozen clovek, ki prinasa nesreco.
tako rada bi se sprostila. tako rada bi se predala ljubezni.
tako rada bi verjela in le ljubila ter zivela. sproscen, mocno, pogumno, predano.
Zdravnica mi je zadnjic rekla, da se poslavljam od bulimije in da me caka tezko obdobje, saj je to poslavljanje bolece, predvsem za bulimijo, in da bo na vsak nacin zelela ostati z mano in da bo tudi mene preprlavil dvom, in mislim, da razumem, kaj mi je zelela povedat.
bulimija zame predstavlja varen svet.
in oklep, katerag cutim da bi rada odvrgla, je verjetno moja preteklost, moj strah in moja bulimija.
rada bi se pokazala taksna kot sem.
seveda me je strah, da bom ranjena, priznam, ampak mislim da sem ravno zacutila zeljo, potrebo in moc, da naredim naslednji korak.
Po vsaki epizodi, abstinencni krizi, se dejansko pocutim mocnejso.
Ampak tako me je strah.
I believe bulimia had time to catch up with me since before break I was very busy and it happened I ingnored my frustrations. So first day started in tears, and so did the second day, the third on and all the days until yesterday. yesterday was a first day without crying.
I felt like someone died and so the saddnes fulfilled my entire body. tears were running wild, in the morning, after my first coffee, after talking to my boyfriend, after walking my dog, after my car broke down.......all the freaking time. I felt so lonely and so sad.
After couple of crying days I realized something bigger is happening and it was quite obvious it is anouther episode. my last one was in germany last summer and the topic of the episode was jealousy. it took me three months to deal with that emoton, understand it and place it into the right place and so fear came out to be healed. fear of being alone, fear of not being understood and accepted. fear of being rejected and fear of being let down.
every episode seems to be the hardest, I always say so, because it is unknown area, but thisone invloved people as well which has made it even harder. I have been very bitter lately, when It came to people, they annoyed me easily and they reminded me how big asses most of them are.
people made me feel unsecure and made me feel bad about myself, i had some weird and hard situations I was draged in but all i wanted was to yell: "leave me the fuck alone!!"
I had unpleasant experiance with my boyfriends mother, with friends who cheated and with my father who decided to freak out again because I blew my car's engine up...non of it I needed! all I needed was some qualuty and creative time with myself, some of the favorite friends of mine and my boyfriend. period!
I needed rest and lots of sleep.
I got NO rest and hardly any sleep.
I didnt have time for myself and I got stuck at my parents place, crying and feeling wournable and very close to bulimia. I felt her breath on my shoulders, I felt her in my room and I felt her presence at the table and in the bathroom. I havent been that close to vomit since break down in germany. All I wanted was to vomit, I used all the close friends who I trust to come baby sit me or else I will puke so bad. vomit went back and forth like crazy and my body was in huge pain. headache made me cry, kidney made me crumpy, my teeth ached, stomach, musles and joints. I was pale even my father noticed and I had fever, probably from crying.
every little thing freaked me out and made me wanna puke. not to binge tho, which was odd. only to puke.
I felt guilty for every little shit and guitly took such control over me I really wanted to disappear.
but I could understand what is happening and I did understand how bulimia works.
I was so weak and I really reached the edge.
Every little shit that freaked me out ended up torturing me about my relationship: "he will leave you!"
that was the hardest bit. I had no faith and fear took control.
I was making speeches in my head how to let my boyfriend go because he deserves much better girlfriend.
Poor man couldnt go surfing because of my breakdowns but he kept calm at all times.
I dont know what had happened yesterday but in the afternoon I felt much better.
actually i know.
I was like a zombie in the morning and the entire afternoon as I had a friend over and also she was telling me her stories of cheating but she left yesterday afternoon. i do care about her but this week I simply wasnt ready to deal with anyone else's problems so I was relived when she left. after I met my dearest friend and she is always such a good energy bomb. she brought me so many hand made gifts and gifts from LA. she is one of my fave artists and she really loves me and respects me and I do feel good with her and very honoured she is my best friend. we had out artist evening with tea and some painting, lots of meaningfull conversations and lots of laughing. so that is what made me feel good I guess, my little artist moment since my artist is put on hold while I stay at my parents place.
I made it back to their place tho because they are all away and so I am dog sitter. When made it back I got email from my boyfriend he is going out for breakfast and will be back in an hour. I waited for him but he was an hour late. i freaked out totally!!! i am trying hard to take it easy and be easy girlfriend but yesterday i just snapped. coulnt keep calm.
I am so tired of people, and I cant stop thinking about how stupid they are.
i dont even know whaich people I am talking about as I have my boyfriend and lots of very much amazing friends, but all the others are pain in the ass but I am not even sure if I could name them at this point. I just know I am annoyed by people that dont fit to my "favorite friends and byfriend" space.
I cant keep up.
I am still in a huge need of living slow and going deep into my emotions and in a big need of putting my self first and just take care of my own self, but I cant............................people dont understand that need so they keep selfish and they even judge.
they dont let me be and they dont care about my rehab but they give me bullshit.
i wish i could just pause the world but I cant. If i do that i will go back to bulimia side and I dont want it.
but i dont have enough confidence to say Fuck off yet so I keep bothering myself with their problems and their broken personalities. I take everything so personal and while I am torturing myself, they dont care.
people are selfish.
I think I am not expecting them to be more gentle with me because I am on a rehab, but I do expect from them to understand they have no right to mess up with my life becuase they slefish without even asking me "how is rehab going?" (i have those who know about my bulimia in mind now.)
I am a bit lost and confused,
I dont know what to think and where I am at the moment.
I am caught between recovered part of me and still ill part of me and those two worlds dont make any sense together.
I need to spend so much time to understand what is my past and what is my present.
for every little shit I have to ask myself: "hey, are you this way because there is past trying to say something or because you really feel this way?"
for every little shit.
when I wanna eat out of my feeding times I need to ask myself if I really feel like eating now or is bulimia who wants to eat.
when I get upset with my boyfriend I need to ask myself whether I am really upset or it is only my past personality in a need.
when I spend few days without makeup with baggy pants its a rad flag and I gotta ask myself: "do i really wanna just feel comfortable or i wanna cover my belly and fat as and everything that I am?"
I have NO rest.
it is on and on thing and I have to be 100% focused, concentrated and tougher so I keep myself safe otherwise bulimia finds a tiny little whole and sneak in.
and I am tired of it. so tired just wanna say Fuck it and lay down and not care.
but if i do this I lose everything I have gained so far, not only my relationship but also my Life!!
deep down I might be strong and wouldnt give up for anything but i have been staring to dead's eyes.
I have felt how close the gap and dead are!! I knew it is me who will make a decition.....try and jump over to the other side fall into that gap and not jsut finish my rehab and die.
nimam niti malo obcutka kako dalec sem ze prisla in kaj to pomeni in nevem, zakaj naj bi si podarila zivljenje. bulimija se igra z mano, saj ko pomislim na fanta, ki je moja najvecja inspiracija, in si skusam predstavljati najino skupno zivljenje in tako poiskati moc za preskok, mi bulimija grozi, da me bo fant zapustil, da na koncu tako ali tako ne bova uspela in da si samo zatiskam oci, ko mislim, da imava posebno zvezo. pravi mi, da posebne zveze ni in da slej kot prej svi pademo v zacaran krog pasivnosti, varanja in neodobravanja svojega pratnerja. seveda mi je zivljenje serviralo z vsaj petimi zgodbami o varanju v samo enem mesecu, in sprva mi ni bilo jasno zakaj mi daje toliko zgodb a sem mislim da dojela njegov namen.... lahko sem razbrala ZAKAJ se varajo, saj vsi imeli enake zgodbe in tako jasneje videla, da se moja zveza popolnoma razlikuje od njihovih.
seveda me muci, da nimam nobene garancije da bo moj fant ostal zvest.
ampak tako stojim na eni strani, popolnoma nesproscena do svoje zveze, polna strahu in dvom, obdana z zgodbami o varanju in nespostovanju, to je edini svet, ki ga poznam........prave ljubezni ne poznam........in odlociti se moram, ali bom reskirala in skocila na drugo stran prepada, kjer naj bi bojda obstajala prava, brezpogojna ljubezen ali bom ostala na tej strani, se pustila strahu in verjela, da zvestoba ne obstaja.
nisem se popolnoma odlocena, ampak cuitm, da se pocasi stvari umirjajo in se kristalizirajo in v tem trenutku vem, da bom preskocila prepad in se predala brezpogojni ljubezni, zvestemu partnerju in nesebicnemu odnosu. cutim, da lahko verjamem, da sem drugacna, in to v pozitivnem smislu, da je moj odnos z mojim fantom povsem drugacen, da najina pot ni enostavna ampak le tako poglabljava odnos in se ljubiva. cutim, da verjamem v resnicno ljubezen in da jo imam, da ne bom ostala na strani strahu. skocila bom. predala se bom. dovolj sem mocna, da verjamem, da sem konec koncev nekaj lepega in da imam bogat in iskren odnos s svojim partnerjem, ki je v tem bolanem svetu zal prava redkost.
mislim da je cas, da odvrzem oklep.
Lahko da bom prevarana in razocarana, lahko da bom prevarala in razocarala, ampak vso energijo in moc posvecava s fantom temu, da se to ne bo zgodilo. cas je, da zaupam in verjamem, da morda pa le nisem grozen clovek, ki prinasa nesreco.
tako rada bi se sprostila. tako rada bi se predala ljubezni.
tako rada bi verjela in le ljubila ter zivela. sproscen, mocno, pogumno, predano.
Zdravnica mi je zadnjic rekla, da se poslavljam od bulimije in da me caka tezko obdobje, saj je to poslavljanje bolece, predvsem za bulimijo, in da bo na vsak nacin zelela ostati z mano in da bo tudi mene preprlavil dvom, in mislim, da razumem, kaj mi je zelela povedat.
bulimija zame predstavlja varen svet.
in oklep, katerag cutim da bi rada odvrgla, je verjetno moja preteklost, moj strah in moja bulimija.
rada bi se pokazala taksna kot sem.
seveda me je strah, da bom ranjena, priznam, ampak mislim da sem ravno zacutila zeljo, potrebo in moc, da naredim naslednji korak.
Po vsaki epizodi, abstinencni krizi, se dejansko pocutim mocnejso.
Ampak tako me je strah.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
you get the worst of me!
"you get the worst of me!"
There is no hope for me.
Those voices I am bad person arent just sick voices of my bulimia, I really am!!
yesterday my car broke down and it was my fault because I didnt take care of it, didnt cchange oil when i was suppose to and so my cars engine passed away.
I can live with that, it would cost me loads of money to fix it and I could survive. telling the truth it is my fault also isnt that big deal but it was a huge deal when it came to my parents, especially father.
he started giving me hard times how lazy I am and not resposnible and I need to grow up and not take life so easy and on and on....and my first reaction was I lied to him that my car broke down from another reason and not because there was no oil in the machine.
Like I was 15. it is hard to admit your mistakes but if i cannot admit it I at least keep quite, but to my parents I always like. and so i lied yesterday with 26 years of age!!
so embaresing and so sad!!
when the mechanic told me what is the reason I just wanted to die.
so when spoke to my parents I just told them part of the reason and my father started preaching about my lame life again and just couldnt face it infront of him so the exit was: lie and run!
After he calmed down he started looking for new engines and really helped me out and I didnt have heart to whatch him spend time on me after I lied so this morning I told him the truth and apologized for lying.
I think he understood why I did it and wasnt upset, told me to calm down and not to cry that he will find the engine and will fix it. even asked me if i will have enough money and so.
when all this will be over?
I feel like i dont deserve a chance, respect or love!!!
All those people that love me.......................................they shuldnt. I am a curse!!
No matter how much Im trying to wash my guilt and be better person, there is that part of me, that is gone bad and stinks!
And no matter how I honestly talk about my lies full life, was too long that was a secret and I still feel like am hiding the ugly part of me.
I am so sad.
Im feeling so broken!!!
Im feeling like Im left in the icy water.
Im feeling like life has been testing me.
It waited for my fall break so I have more time to deal with things and more time to really understand what is its (life's) purpuse. I can clearly see what is it trying to achive.
each step I take I am being watched, each move I make I am watched closely.
Tko se pocutm k da me drka u glavo.
but isnt it ironic....i had speech in my mind what to say to my boyfriend how its time for him to run away from me as fast as possible because i am big fat ugly person, in tears tell him how awful Im feeling for lying to my father and my boyfriend just calmly listened and said: "you know babe, thats excatly what makes you such a great and big person. facing your mistakes. I am so proud of you!"
what do you mean???? am lying ass!!!
and same before when I coudnt live with myself anymore lying to my father (it is more about me not so much about him, but i dont wanna be a bad peoson full of shit anymore!!!) and so I had a scenario in my head how family will never talk to me again and how trough they are with me, quickly made did math I can survive with my salery so I dont need them.....and after i told my father I lied and apologized he was calm for the first time since i have known him and told me not to cry that he understands it was hard for me to admit he was right and there is no end of the world. i insisted it is the end of the world because I lied again and he kind of made joke saying something like "dear you were lying to me half of your life, today just ego was hurt!"
so twice in two days there was the world about to end, I was about to give up on rehab and run to the Mexico but at the end of the day, things fell into place and all is good, just like that.
zivlene pa pomoje klukce dela zravn a sm uspesno opravla nalogo al ne.
actually was three times in three days that wold almost collapsed in my head.........once it was because of boyfriends mother. I hurt her feelings with simply being myself..........................................and knowing she is feeling bad because of me ate me alive, for the whole day I was crying and crying and crying and called everyone I trust to come nanny me because I cant hold a puke in my stomach any longer but feel like vomiting. crazy. but at the end of the dramatic day and few emails with her, she calmed down and all is good again.
but all those situations seem just everyday shit to most of the normal people but for me personaly those are HUGE personal battels that push me to the edge and all i want is to give up on everything and disappear.
and has ben such a long time since I had the idea of giving up for the last time.
I need to take a deep breath!
There is no hope for me.
Those voices I am bad person arent just sick voices of my bulimia, I really am!!
yesterday my car broke down and it was my fault because I didnt take care of it, didnt cchange oil when i was suppose to and so my cars engine passed away.
I can live with that, it would cost me loads of money to fix it and I could survive. telling the truth it is my fault also isnt that big deal but it was a huge deal when it came to my parents, especially father.
he started giving me hard times how lazy I am and not resposnible and I need to grow up and not take life so easy and on and on....and my first reaction was I lied to him that my car broke down from another reason and not because there was no oil in the machine.
Like I was 15. it is hard to admit your mistakes but if i cannot admit it I at least keep quite, but to my parents I always like. and so i lied yesterday with 26 years of age!!
so embaresing and so sad!!
when the mechanic told me what is the reason I just wanted to die.
so when spoke to my parents I just told them part of the reason and my father started preaching about my lame life again and just couldnt face it infront of him so the exit was: lie and run!
After he calmed down he started looking for new engines and really helped me out and I didnt have heart to whatch him spend time on me after I lied so this morning I told him the truth and apologized for lying.
I think he understood why I did it and wasnt upset, told me to calm down and not to cry that he will find the engine and will fix it. even asked me if i will have enough money and so.
when all this will be over?
I feel like i dont deserve a chance, respect or love!!!
All those people that love me.......................................they shuldnt. I am a curse!!
No matter how much Im trying to wash my guilt and be better person, there is that part of me, that is gone bad and stinks!
And no matter how I honestly talk about my lies full life, was too long that was a secret and I still feel like am hiding the ugly part of me.
I am so sad.
Im feeling so broken!!!
Im feeling like Im left in the icy water.
Im feeling like life has been testing me.
It waited for my fall break so I have more time to deal with things and more time to really understand what is its (life's) purpuse. I can clearly see what is it trying to achive.
each step I take I am being watched, each move I make I am watched closely.
Tko se pocutm k da me drka u glavo.
but isnt it ironic....i had speech in my mind what to say to my boyfriend how its time for him to run away from me as fast as possible because i am big fat ugly person, in tears tell him how awful Im feeling for lying to my father and my boyfriend just calmly listened and said: "you know babe, thats excatly what makes you such a great and big person. facing your mistakes. I am so proud of you!"
what do you mean???? am lying ass!!!
and same before when I coudnt live with myself anymore lying to my father (it is more about me not so much about him, but i dont wanna be a bad peoson full of shit anymore!!!) and so I had a scenario in my head how family will never talk to me again and how trough they are with me, quickly made did math I can survive with my salery so I dont need them.....and after i told my father I lied and apologized he was calm for the first time since i have known him and told me not to cry that he understands it was hard for me to admit he was right and there is no end of the world. i insisted it is the end of the world because I lied again and he kind of made joke saying something like "dear you were lying to me half of your life, today just ego was hurt!"
so twice in two days there was the world about to end, I was about to give up on rehab and run to the Mexico but at the end of the day, things fell into place and all is good, just like that.
zivlene pa pomoje klukce dela zravn a sm uspesno opravla nalogo al ne.
actually was three times in three days that wold almost collapsed in my head.........once it was because of boyfriends mother. I hurt her feelings with simply being myself..........................................and knowing she is feeling bad because of me ate me alive, for the whole day I was crying and crying and crying and called everyone I trust to come nanny me because I cant hold a puke in my stomach any longer but feel like vomiting. crazy. but at the end of the dramatic day and few emails with her, she calmed down and all is good again.
but all those situations seem just everyday shit to most of the normal people but for me personaly those are HUGE personal battels that push me to the edge and all i want is to give up on everything and disappear.
and has ben such a long time since I had the idea of giving up for the last time.
I need to take a deep breath!
Sunday, October 28, 2012
good vs evil
I wish I slimed down for another 5kg, I wish my face was prettier, I wish I ate healthier, I wish I drunk more water, I wish I looked more attractive, I wish i spoke more languages, I wish I earned more money, i wish I traveled more, I wish I went more often for a walk, I wish I finished my children's book, i wish I read more, I wish i cleaned my apartment, I wish I undrestood peopleI wish skinny people arent called normal, they are skinny for god sake, i wish people wouldnt be that blinded, i wish world would be run by love and not stupid pop culture, I wish people werent that dumb, i wish there was music in town, I wish potato wouldnt be that hard to be peeled, I wish gas was cheaper, i wish people on the road werent that jackass, i wish I had a horse, I wish i didnt need to pay pills, I wish my plant didnt have lice, i wish I did some yoga, i wish i didnt have fat arms, I wish my apartment wouldnt get dusty that quickly, i wish stor next door werent that expensive, i wish I start my work at nine sometimes, I wish I had new bedding, I wish I was calmer, I wish I wasnt that annoyed, i wish I wouldnt care that much for every single ass that doesnt deserve my attention, I wish I could fuck off some people with fuck off words without being called rough, I wish I didnt need to strugle with bulimia, i wish I trusted more, i wish a fly would disappear infron of my face now ......................................................
oh damn it.
I wish I wasnt that whinny!!!!!!!!!!
I trully just wish I relaxed more and enjoy what I have in my life at the moment!!!!
I am so blinded and paralized by all that "i wish...." fuck it.
I am not looking bad, since not using pills and vomiting my skin is nicer and my face looks prettier, I am not chubby, I have normal shape, I look attractive and I feel good, I voice my opinion and I am more confident, I have amazing boyfriend who loves me, who tells me he loves, he is moving over for the sake of our relationship. I have everything I need. I have great job and amazing kids, i have good friends that call me up for a coffee, I am very respected woman, I am interesting and unique, tho we all are. i am not giving up and I am strong, I have everything. I follow trough with daily responsibilites, I eat normal, I shower daily, I brush my teeth 2-3 times a day, I pay bills, I am reliable, I am honest, I tell the truth, I am not full of shit and excuses, I am presant and I am funny. I am dealing well with bulimia and once again, I have amazing relationship and i dont need to panic.
but it is in my current nature to panic and fear everything and make my own life miserable. I am not relaxed and I am not enjoying my recovery pogress, my relationship, my life, my friends......am an ass.
I wish I felt more. I wish I felt more joy.
but i dont.
domething is stopping me. I know what that is, it is my past. all my past fears, doubts, anger, pain is stopping me from enjoying myself and mylife now.
I know that and it is stuck in my body.
my doctor always says it is time for me to start doing the homework regulary, focus on my body, on the pain in the body and stay with the body and its pain. thats the only way to get out of bulimia, she says.
I am scared so I am not doing it at home at all. I am afraid of doing if coz I know how awful it feels. it wakes up all my fears of being fat and I literally feel giantic. i feel all that fat on my feet, legs, hips, belly, chests, neck, face. all over my body and i freak out "I dont wanna be thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat fattttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!! I want it to go away!!!!!!!!!!!! i want all this fat to go away!¨
then Im rubbing my legs, trying to rub fat off and crying. I dont know how to stop myself, i can only do it with my doctor. but if that is what is stopping me from being relaxed and fine with my NOW, than I better start working on my body asap!!
has been a month since I ve felt this anxiety.
it came to me when I was told my boyfriend cheated on me. that lady who told me that popped the bubble I used to live in all by myself, alone and where everything was just about myself.
when i realized my boyfriend did not cheat on me but her husband did cheat on her I got very much involved in that stupid story, I offered her myself and for last several weeks she was chatting with me about her problem and it opened up sooooo much questions and emotions with me that i even get upset now why i cared in a first place!?!?!?
no wshe is back together with her hubby, busy playing wife roll again and I am left upset wondering What the fuuuuuuuck is wrong with people!??!?!?!?!??!?! why people are so stupid, so blinded!?!?!
yah, most of them are without even knowing, but still.
i am not in a mood of being a nice one, understanding everyone, hell no, i feel like yelling "dude, think! you ass!!!"
but im not here to judge, with all the shit I did in my life.
I just wish I was happier and more focused on what really matters and what really makes me happy.
re-start myself and my mind.
I wish I found way to go back to basics and not freak out all over the place.
I am living two lives at the moment, the present one and the past (bulimia) one. the bulimia one is looking for shit in anything good, doubting and fearing everything that I care of, refusing everything that might be love, not understanding why and how would someone care about me and do anything for me, but on the other hand it is present me, who has her price and deserves love and respect just like everybody else, who is excited about experiancing the real love for the first time.
and those two "me" keeps fighting whichone will rule the day.
and Im just: "screw you both, mama needs some rest!"
oh damn it.
I wish I wasnt that whinny!!!!!!!!!!
I trully just wish I relaxed more and enjoy what I have in my life at the moment!!!!
I am so blinded and paralized by all that "i wish...." fuck it.
I am not looking bad, since not using pills and vomiting my skin is nicer and my face looks prettier, I am not chubby, I have normal shape, I look attractive and I feel good, I voice my opinion and I am more confident, I have amazing boyfriend who loves me, who tells me he loves, he is moving over for the sake of our relationship. I have everything I need. I have great job and amazing kids, i have good friends that call me up for a coffee, I am very respected woman, I am interesting and unique, tho we all are. i am not giving up and I am strong, I have everything. I follow trough with daily responsibilites, I eat normal, I shower daily, I brush my teeth 2-3 times a day, I pay bills, I am reliable, I am honest, I tell the truth, I am not full of shit and excuses, I am presant and I am funny. I am dealing well with bulimia and once again, I have amazing relationship and i dont need to panic.
but it is in my current nature to panic and fear everything and make my own life miserable. I am not relaxed and I am not enjoying my recovery pogress, my relationship, my life, my friends......am an ass.
I wish I felt more. I wish I felt more joy.
but i dont.
domething is stopping me. I know what that is, it is my past. all my past fears, doubts, anger, pain is stopping me from enjoying myself and mylife now.
I know that and it is stuck in my body.
my doctor always says it is time for me to start doing the homework regulary, focus on my body, on the pain in the body and stay with the body and its pain. thats the only way to get out of bulimia, she says.
I am scared so I am not doing it at home at all. I am afraid of doing if coz I know how awful it feels. it wakes up all my fears of being fat and I literally feel giantic. i feel all that fat on my feet, legs, hips, belly, chests, neck, face. all over my body and i freak out "I dont wanna be thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat fattttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!! I want it to go away!!!!!!!!!!!! i want all this fat to go away!¨
then Im rubbing my legs, trying to rub fat off and crying. I dont know how to stop myself, i can only do it with my doctor. but if that is what is stopping me from being relaxed and fine with my NOW, than I better start working on my body asap!!
has been a month since I ve felt this anxiety.
it came to me when I was told my boyfriend cheated on me. that lady who told me that popped the bubble I used to live in all by myself, alone and where everything was just about myself.
when i realized my boyfriend did not cheat on me but her husband did cheat on her I got very much involved in that stupid story, I offered her myself and for last several weeks she was chatting with me about her problem and it opened up sooooo much questions and emotions with me that i even get upset now why i cared in a first place!?!?!?
no wshe is back together with her hubby, busy playing wife roll again and I am left upset wondering What the fuuuuuuuck is wrong with people!??!?!?!?!??!?! why people are so stupid, so blinded!?!?!
yah, most of them are without even knowing, but still.
i am not in a mood of being a nice one, understanding everyone, hell no, i feel like yelling "dude, think! you ass!!!"
but im not here to judge, with all the shit I did in my life.
I just wish I was happier and more focused on what really matters and what really makes me happy.
re-start myself and my mind.
I wish I found way to go back to basics and not freak out all over the place.
I am living two lives at the moment, the present one and the past (bulimia) one. the bulimia one is looking for shit in anything good, doubting and fearing everything that I care of, refusing everything that might be love, not understanding why and how would someone care about me and do anything for me, but on the other hand it is present me, who has her price and deserves love and respect just like everybody else, who is excited about experiancing the real love for the first time.
and those two "me" keeps fighting whichone will rule the day.
and Im just: "screw you both, mama needs some rest!"
Thursday, October 25, 2012
I choose HEALTH!
Two weeks ago is wne I had my chew surgery and was told not to eat hard food.
Soft for me was yogurts, pudings, chocolate and cokolino.
and you know what, after two weeks of that really crapy food I can not wait to go back to my healthy diet. Just now, when my diet was unhealthy, I can see I actually eat very healthy now.
I am missing veges and prepered food, not just pre-prepered bags of food and unhealthy pudings.
I am feeling sick of it and having headaches every time i eat some chocolate.
I am really feeling sick just thinking of chocolate.
I want my healty diet back!!!
So today they took stiches out and have to be careful for one more week since the wound isnt healed yet but I couldnt wait for that moment as I want eat healthy again!!!
no chocolate, no sweets, no crappy food, but serious food.
i am afraid how will i go back to normal diet.
After two weeks of choclate and pudings will be heard to chew a stake and salad i think.
but really cannot tell how much i am waiting for tomorrow, starting eating properly, healthy!!
Not feeling goodat the moment.
I am normal size, face is very skinny, theres no fat belly and no fat lags, but my skin is unhealthy and im feeling unhealthy.
was never healthy food freak but now I am pretty sure sweets are NOT neccesery food!!
we do not need sweets!!!
(i dont need it).
makes me feel unhealthy.
i can feel the difference.
not taking healthy care of myself, not easy.
i havent been very good before that two-week-sick-leave but comparing to this crapy time, i was doing great job. did horesriding, spent time moving, spent time eating well.
I have never thought i will ever sound this way, but I know i felt much better before the surgery and i am willing to get that back!!
yogurt and carrots for snack, chicken and vegetables for lunch, cerial for dinner. healthy sandwiches and veges.
I sound odd:D
anyways.
AWAY WITH SUGAR!!!!!!!!
my head is about to explode.
Carrots over chocolate!!!
Salad bowl over pudings!!
I choose health!
I choose life!!
Last two weeks i took absolutely NO time to prepare food.
30 seconds the most!
ok no, one day i mademyself a spinach and potatos.
also my apartment is ugly, not cleaned up.
I dont follow. not keeping up.
need to come home from work tomorrow and just BE alive in my place, clean it and enjoy it.
have cup of tea and celebrate life.
I need some alone time. time for myself. time to treat myself. with food, bath, tea, book, candles....
time for ME and ME only!!
last five weeks i ve been pretty wigely wagely so hopefully will be back on a track this fall break.
Soft for me was yogurts, pudings, chocolate and cokolino.
and you know what, after two weeks of that really crapy food I can not wait to go back to my healthy diet. Just now, when my diet was unhealthy, I can see I actually eat very healthy now.
I am missing veges and prepered food, not just pre-prepered bags of food and unhealthy pudings.
I am feeling sick of it and having headaches every time i eat some chocolate.
I am really feeling sick just thinking of chocolate.
I want my healty diet back!!!
So today they took stiches out and have to be careful for one more week since the wound isnt healed yet but I couldnt wait for that moment as I want eat healthy again!!!
no chocolate, no sweets, no crappy food, but serious food.
i am afraid how will i go back to normal diet.
After two weeks of choclate and pudings will be heard to chew a stake and salad i think.
but really cannot tell how much i am waiting for tomorrow, starting eating properly, healthy!!
Not feeling goodat the moment.
I am normal size, face is very skinny, theres no fat belly and no fat lags, but my skin is unhealthy and im feeling unhealthy.
was never healthy food freak but now I am pretty sure sweets are NOT neccesery food!!
we do not need sweets!!!
(i dont need it).
makes me feel unhealthy.
i can feel the difference.
not taking healthy care of myself, not easy.
i havent been very good before that two-week-sick-leave but comparing to this crapy time, i was doing great job. did horesriding, spent time moving, spent time eating well.
I have never thought i will ever sound this way, but I know i felt much better before the surgery and i am willing to get that back!!
yogurt and carrots for snack, chicken and vegetables for lunch, cerial for dinner. healthy sandwiches and veges.
I sound odd:D
anyways.
AWAY WITH SUGAR!!!!!!!!
my head is about to explode.
Carrots over chocolate!!!
Salad bowl over pudings!!
I choose health!
I choose life!!
Last two weeks i took absolutely NO time to prepare food.
30 seconds the most!
ok no, one day i mademyself a spinach and potatos.
also my apartment is ugly, not cleaned up.
I dont follow. not keeping up.
need to come home from work tomorrow and just BE alive in my place, clean it and enjoy it.
have cup of tea and celebrate life.
I need some alone time. time for myself. time to treat myself. with food, bath, tea, book, candles....
time for ME and ME only!!
last five weeks i ve been pretty wigely wagely so hopefully will be back on a track this fall break.
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