Fight!

Waah what a crapy day.
Started well, I cleaned my crib, enjoyed life, did some jammin' and it seemed it will be another good day.
round lunch time everything changed.
Was hungry but felt sick just thinking about food. There was voice telling me I am fat and I better skip my lunch. I tried to ignore it and prepared some food anyway. Was njoki with vegetable.. oh yuck!!!
My stomach was spinning while cooking and I knew that's bad sign.
Before even started eating, I cleaned up entire kitchen to get rid of the evidence there was food.
Then set down and after first bite my throat filled up with vomit. what a disgusting taste.
I had another bit and it was just like someone punched me in my stomach. I gave up after the third bite. Just threw all the food away and took garbage out.
came back home and tried to do something that redirects my mind. The only thought I could hear was: "go puke! go puke!" I promised myself I will not puke in my new bathroom. I am making a bathroom a nice place, with nice quotes, flowers and painting on the wall,determined I wont puke in there.
So I was caught with vomit in my throat and with terrible pain in my stomach. I thought of pills and so before I even knew, I was already in the pharmacy next door. Once the lady asked me what do I need, I woke up. Oh my fucking god, I am in the pharmacy. G!!! I was ashamed to asked for pills so I bought laxative juice.
Came home and finished the whole bottle. Usually it starts working within couple of minutes but this time nothing happened after an hour. I was furious!! An hour was just enough time to realized what have I done. I felt awful and wanted to eat myself alive.
I lay on the bed and I dont really remember what was going on and how I actually felt.
All of a sudden, after 2 hours since I finished the bottle of laxative juice, my body became very cold and I could hear my stomach getting pretty loud. My mouth suddenly got full of saliva and my hands and feet were sweating so much. Black out!
Ran to the toilet, set on the toilet but nothing came out. Just terrible pain. I remembered that pain. nothing seem to be real, its like a dream. just pain and nothing around. Had some water and went back to the toilet. After all, my stomach got very very running and I was emptying it in periods...between each period there was couple of seconds gap, for body to get a chance to breath before another painful scream.
After pain, of course you believe that was  a mistake and you will never do it again, comes that feeling of such a huge relief, that keeps you insist with using laxatives and vomiting.... the feeling of emptiness, feels like all the worries were flashed to the toilet. Like big pain just faded away, and you can start over. it feels like a second chance, feels like all bad was taken away from your body and like you can keep on living life with clean conscience. Its like re-birthing  and you get that big smile on your face just for a minute though, but still, it feels good.
all those feelings are LIE!
you can not shit all the frustrations away, you cant puke your worries up and you cant control you conscience with shitting/vomiting.
Its a one-minute-effect!
Once a minute is over, things get worse.
but next time, in same situation you do the same thing....the voice in your head convince you that you need to do it just one more time and you will live up guilt free, you will start over. With me, it always promises me "start over" life. I learned its a bullshit but still, apparently it can buy me still. we all want another chance. we all seek to have a clean conscience and we all want to be perfect and good people. we all want to  play right and if we screw up, we all want to make it disappear ... but if you live with any kind of addiction, you believe you have a tool, which you can control everything with.
You want to destroy everything that you  dont understand, all the feeling that dont fit to your dictionary, all the emotions that drives you crazy and that dont have its place in yourlife....
whether you get high and enjoy the world where everything makes sense although only for a minute or you get wasted from very much the same reason, but if you have ED, you believe you can puke all thise enemy emotions out. well.

but after yesterday's incident I took a moment and talked to that voice in my head, just as my doctor told me to do....she told me if the voice gets too loud and too pushy, I should go somewhere safe and give him 30 minutes to tell me what does he want. I did it and I it was hard, the voice was torturing me, telling me all those crappy things that I cant listen, that I am lame, fat, ugly, not worth to be loved, taht I will never succeed and that I should quit my rehab, relationshit and for the sake of my friends' lives I should let them go because I will only make them suffer, as I am cursed! of course it made me cry and it made me feel like I want to jump out of the balcony (well, balcony is not that safe place to talk to the voice lol) but after some time, i told him this: "ok, your time's up! you need to stop now. I heard everything you said, I disagree with some of your statements so now I will make myself a cup of tea, lighten up the candle and enjoy the evening." Thats what I actually did.
Slowly, the voice left me alone.
I made beautiful atmosphere in my apartment, took a book "i love my body" from L.L.Hay and enjoyed positive affirmations. Then I went for a short jog out, came home, had shower and put some nice soul music on...I was untouchable!! I was strong. I felt the strength which filled my body, felt the beauty of woman's body and felt joy of my life.
I chose to have different evening.
I controlled my thoughts, my emotions and my feelings. Iwas very gentle with myself.
I felt peace within.

went to bed and woke up 4am. not to mention I had a massive break down, went down on my knees and prayed to God. I havent heard from my boyfriend for four days.

Hakuna Matata

Wow.
For some reason, I had two beautiful days.
There were fat legs with me, also the ugliest face and the most retarded laugh, but non of those could stop me from seeing how wonderful life is.

It actually started on wednesday, when I got promoted at work which will bring me decent extra money and that's how my financial issue was solve in a minute. Yah, one can not be happy if he is not financial safe. But I just put that behind me.
On thursday, my mom is suppose to come visit, but to my surprise, my dad came along.
I was actually happy and excited about welcoming them in my new home.
My mom really disappointed me. She was all grumpy and whatever she said, i was just like: "wat the fuck!"
my dad was on his best behaving towards me. He was trilled about my new apartment and I can tell he was so happy he has a daughter like me. but my mom was a disaster. 
She didnt like most of the things in my apartment, something was too old, something was too dirty, something was too small. Even my dad said: "oh cmon, did you come for a visit to talk bullshit or what!" but usually my dad would be the bad cop and would never like my new place. He finds my accessories stupid or connected with some kind of sect and that would always pull me down to the dark side.....feeling awful for being who I am and feeling sad my dad doesnt understand my art.
but this time mom was pain in the ass and I was so upset.
Then I took them to the town and she continued grumpiness but dad and I we had a good time.
I went out with my green pants and yellow allstars and super flowery punk/blue bag and purple sungalsses. the only comment was: "oh sure, it would kill you if colors would match. red hair and purple sun glasses lol" but he wasnt serious saying that.
so wee took off and had nice walk to old town. again, my mom was in her own world and didnt pay much attention.
At some point I wass ure I will kick her out of a car, when she said: "oh, when are you heading down to bosnia? I told them you are coming?" I was just like"What the fuck" again!!!  "mom, it is ME who makes plans for my spring break, why you said anything?"  I ended the conversation as fast as possible but my body was so nervous, I felt like shouting.
Oh and before we took off she found two lighters in my kitchen and she asked: "why do you have lighters" I told her I need them for the stove and she was aah ok.
But the saddest thing is... she is the one who knows I am on and off smoker and my dad hates it, so she put me in an awkward position on purpose! what a snake.
At that point I remembered my ex-mother-in-low saying: "you have problems with your mom not that much with your dad!" and yes, once again her words came out proved! I do have problems with my mom more than with my dad.
my dad is just a hard core jerk who raised me in military spirit and who doesnt accept anything that is not "normal" ... I was his second chance of having a perfect woman since he failed with mom.
he always found a support in me and he made sure I was there whenever he needed me. well, my father story goes on and on but now days, when I look back, I exactly know what was going on with me and my father, but my mom.... she is a snake.
She doesnt have her own spine and she always go where she gets the best of it.
It is because my father abused her emotionally and she is totally under his control, but with her bahving, she makes a lot of mess. I notices couple of years ago that she can be very hypocritical, both of my parents are super hypocritical, but my mom in the way that you can never count on her, she will use your weakness to get come credits with my dad.
Also when I told her about bulimia, and I wasnt ready to tell it to my dad, one day we were all in the livingroom and she set next to my dad and said: "ok, she needs to tell you something!" I was just "what, i dont need to tell him anything!" and she went: "oh yes, you know about your problems!"
she once again pushed me on the edge and I needed to do something completely against my will. I needed to admit to my dad I have bulimia. I was so mad at my mom and still am.
and she has been doing it all the time.
you cant trust her with anything, she will always use it soon against you.
Isnt it sad that you cant trust your mom.
and the same was with the lighters the other day. she wanted me to admit to my dad that I smoked after I quit smoking....but I trusted her a while ago and told her that I go smoke sometimes when I feel like vomiting and it helps, because I need to go for a walk.
aaaaaaah!!
last conversation I had with my father we talked exactly the same thing about my mom. he said he will divorce her because she simply isnt his friend.
no my dad struggles with his business a bit and he claims she is not there for him, and she doesnt respect his wish not to talk about it with other people that much since the struggle seems to be only temporary and people are happy to see you go down. but instead, my mom is pretty loud about it and bla bla bla bla but the point is, my dad told me he hates that he cant trust her. Oh i know what he is walking about.

well to move forward, enough about my mom.
dad realized one thing that he already knew before and he will never accept it, but his daughter is an artist, bohem. we spent lots of time talking  about it and it seemed like one time opportunity....to talk with the biggest enemy of gypsy life style about.........his daughter having that kind of life style. I had my minutes to try to explain to him that i am not going to change it and that this is me....with normal voice with no fight. wow.

on friday, I was about to meet my friends in austria but life wanted to give me even more,
I just opened my  eyes and there was a msg from my friend asking me to come over for a coffee.
"wow wait a minute, it 9am, am awake for 5 seconds and I dont leave my apartment before being at least one hour awake. the answer is no!" I thought to myself.
but I dont know how, I dont know why....I said: "ok, im coming"
lol never did this before. but i missed moments when I live just with my feeling, when I follow the flow.
I felt like going for a coffee at my friends so fuck the routine, Im gone.
well, i did have bread and coffee at home so I go to the toilet before heading off, but didnt spend much time thinking why shouold I stay at home.  soooo cool!!
straight form her place I took off to austria, was so exited about seeing those two beautiful people, they are me and my boyfriend's  mutual friends. on the way to aut I got a phone call from my beloved friend, again, to my surprise I answered the phone....woohoo. I dont remember when was the last time I did something like this ... If i know she could call me for a catch up I would never catch up after meeting two friends already...but yesterday I set up another date ....
had an amazing time with my friend in austria and head down to slovenia straight away to my friend.
we went to my place and had wonderful chill out at my balcony. was so hot, we had music, drink, and simply enjoyed LIFE.
It reminded me so much to my life before bulimia came back for the last time,  three years ago.
I just loved life, loved being alive, enjoying beauty around me and and enjoying those little things.
my only plan is not to have a plan....to go with the flow and all is good.
why worry why panic??
oh, I know: because my parents are such a pressure on me: what are you doing? when are you coming up to our palce? when are you getting up? what time are you going to bed? what time will you talk to your boyfriend? what time you start working on monday? when when when, what time what time what time....??????
aaaaaah#"$%&/()=?*!"#$%%& [ERROR]

so flow is good and flow always leads you to the goal you are suppose to reach. once upon a time I truly believed that.

well, chilling with my friend and spending the whole day outdoor, living life, nothing more, just simply living life and enjoying the beauty of the world, was enough for me to learn that there is a part of me waking up and a part of me dealing with bulimia. since I realized that, I found some peace within.
I am not that confused at the moment. I exactly know what is happening.
I am not ok all the tiime and I dont always keep my spirit high, I put the fight everyday up but on the other hand, I enjoy myself so much when life gives me some rest.

On my door there is new simple quote: "vse bo v redu!" and I can tell, since I put it on, every day makes much more sense. the quote is powerful and hopeful.

Take it easy, its just life!!
indeed it is.

I used to believe I dont have problems, I only have some obstacles to knock down every now and then the attitude seems to be coming back!

There is my mother's voice in my head calling me home, but this time I wont buy it. I am going with the flow whatever it takes.

bring on some life!

HAKUNA MATATA

random thoughts

Vceraj na terapiji:
"tezko mi je, se vedno bi rada vse skupi pustila. Ne morem nadaljevat z zdravljenjem, ne dohajam otopelosti in bolecine. nic nima smilsa. nisem srecna in bojim se, da bom ostala nesrecna, tudi ko se pozdravim. Kaj ce me nic vec ne more osrecit. ....:"
Zdravnica mi pove, da je to normalno, in da bo vse skupaj se nekoliko tezje nekaj casa, saj bolj  ko bom kopala, bolj bom v tej bolecini, ampak vsi ti obcutki so resnicni in imajo svoje mest, le ugotovit moram, kam spadajo."
po teh besedah se mi je odvalil kamen od srca..."se je upanje" sem zakricala."
upanje je edina stvar, ki me vodi naprej.
brez upanja nic nima smisla.
samo to rabim, upanje.
Se nekaj tezkih besed in pogled nazaj, v otrostvo, zlom, jok in jeza, in terapije je konec.
domov sem sla pola zagona in zdelo se mi je, da res vem, kaj se dogaja.
Zvecer sem se slisala z mami in me vprasa, kako je bilo na terapiji. recem ji, da ji ne morem povedat, ker je toliko stvari, ki sem jih ancela in najprej morjo dobit svoje mesto, predno bom lahko o cem govorila s komerkoli. rece, da ne da ji ne morem povedat, nocem ji povedat, in naj bom previdna, da se ne bova z zdravnico prevec zakopali v preteklost, ker mi to lahko samo skodi in nima veze z mojo sedanjostjo in mi bo samo tezko. jst sm bla sam "what the fuck!!" mislm halo, sej je zenska ja psihiatrinja, specializirana za motnje hranjenja, pa ja valda ve, kaj pocne. mami je uzaljena rekla adijo, jst pa sm ostala s cmokom v grlu in z nekim bremenom na srcu. spet tisti grozen obcutek, da ne ustrezam starsem. zmedlo me je.
nekaj med jezo, kako mi lahko rece kaj takega in med slabo vestjo, spet delam nekaj proti njeni volji.....zdravim se.
nisem se znasla v vseh obcutkih in sla sem na sprehod. res se je zdelo, da sem pozabila na vse, a ko sem prisla domov, sem opazila, da me trga v kolenu. so sedaj sem se ze naucila, da se psihicna bolecina/stiska odraza fizicno na telesu, in da je dolocen vzorec, ki se ponovi vedno....kadarkoli sem v stiski zaradi druzine, me grozno zacnejo boleti sklepi, ledvica in jajcniki.
enkrat sem zasledila, da se zamere do starsev odrazajo z bolecinami v sklepih, bolecine v rodilih so povezane s tezavami z ocetom, ledvica pa so v mojem primeru postala sinonim za stisko.
sla sem v posteljo in zaspala. noci so vse tako kratke zadnje case.

danes sem bila v sluzbi, tudi v sluzbi postaja cedalje tezje, saj se moj nacin dela z otroki razlikuje od standardnega poucevanja, in tako niakor ne stece kemija med mano in dolocenimi uciteljicami.
tezko mi je, saj se pocutim kot napaka.
vsa razpizdena sem se dobila s prijateljico na kavi, mal sm pojamrala in prec mi je blo bolse.
pocutila sem se super v njeni druzbi, obozujem jo, saj je tako sonce, mislim da najlepsa zenska, kar sem jih kdaj spoznala, tako vizualno kot tudi po dusi. vsa navdusena me je sredi nekega pogovora objela in rkela." joj jst sm tko ponosna, da si moja prjatlca!" tut jst sm ponosna, saj je zenska totalno odbita in odlicna prijateljica.
pocutila sem se dobro in uzivali sva na soncku, rivabljali mosko druzbo z najinoo energijo, pili kavo, sok...na njihv racun (ceprav sva se res upirali) in tako je tekla le pozitivna energija.
za trenutek sem bila srecna in dovolila sem si, da vidim stvari ok.
tako bi lahko zivela. zensa sem, in sams prejemam svoje odlocitve in pocnem, kar zelim.
pogovarjali sva se o sluzbi, zivljenju, druzini, delali nore plane in se neomejeno smejali.
zivljenje!

ko sem prisla domov, sem pojedla in zaspala. zaspala naj bi za kake pol ure, a sem povlekla za 5 ur.
zadnje case veliko spim popoldan, zdi se, kot da moram nadoknadit vse neprespane noci.
zbudila me je mami, ki me je zaslisevala, kaksni so kaj moji plani za spring break. aaaa nevem, samo vem, da nocem bit pri njih ves cas in da bom pocela veliko stvari.
izziv. velik izziv. kako se postavit zase, kako reci ne in kako potem uzivat. to bom naredila prvic.
ampak bom, odlocena sem, da bom poslusala sama sebe,, in da ce mi ne bo za it na obisk k njim pac ne bom sla.
groza me je, ko samo pomislim na to in nesrecna sem, ko pomislim, da moram cel teden prezivet pri njih. ampak vse bo v redu. sledila bom svojim potrebam. its about me.

nocem vec mislit na njih vs cs in razmisljat, kaj bodo oni misll, in kako se bodo oni pocutli. sorry, i cant. rada bi misla nase in pocela stvari zase. kako jih bom onesrecla, noben ne ve, ampak mogla bom prezivet.
strah me je njihivih komentarjev, njihovih opazk in kritik, njihivih pricakovanj. strah me je, ker se bojim, da bom podlegla. ampak ne smem. dogaja se mi, da v casu, ko sem pri njih, sprt nekontrolirano jem.
zadnjic sem pojedla tri ogromne kose torte in cez dve minuti semze jedla sendvic in praskala kosilo iz sklede,....ko sem se zalotila, kaj pocnem, mi je blo grozno.
ko sem doma, imam lahko tudi cokolado v predalu in traja tri dni.

joj najbolj grozno je to, da sm se spravla govort svojo zgodbo samo pod pogojem, da bom iskrena, pa tole objavo pisem polna zadrzkov, ker je v slovenscini, in bi lahko starsi prebrali. zadrzana sem in se skrivam.
imam predstavo o sebi neke revolucionarke, da ne glede na posledice bo spregovorila resnico...pa se userjem vedno ko pride do pisanja o druzini.

kr slisim jih, kako so razocaranni nad mano, kako jih predstavljam kot grozne starse, kako sem nehvalezna in kako furam vse po svoje, kako sem nesramna in kako krivim njih, ko pa sem sama kriva za tako situacijo, saj sem ja jaz tista, ki vedno zacne problem.
well.

enkrat mi je en star hippie iz amerike na temo o mojih strahoviuh povezanih z druzino reku: "you need to take that risk. its your life!"

motnje hranjenja mam.
st mam motnje hranjenja, odvisnost, psihicno tezavo.......vedno sm misla, da se to dogaja dalec stran od mene, da tega v mojem so called resnicnem svetu ni. da za motnje hranjenja mors bit nekje iz sveta slavnih al pa nevem kaj, ampak ne jst in ne moji prjatli, te tezave ne mormo met.
evo ti ga, jst mam motnje hranjenja.
ko bom stara 100 let, ozdravljena....bom se vedno imela s sabo to zgodbo. oh ja.
neverjetno.
najteze pa je, da sem jst tista, k ma motnje hranjenja in s tem zivim vsak dan, pa se mi se vedno ne sanja, kako zgleda clovek, k ma MH.
zdravnica sicer pravi, da ni kljucnega pomena, da  res dojamem kaj to pomeni, ker bi blo vse skupi se tezi.
ampak zadnjic sm gledala en film, k je bla ena bejba na zdravljenju od odvisnisti in po pol ure gledanja filma sm v solzah zbezala v svojo sobo, nism mogla gledat filma, prepoznala sm se v tistem filmu, in zdravnica je rekla, da sem v tistem trenutku prsla v stik sama s sabo in da ce bi bla vs cs v stiku sama s sabo kar se moje odvisnosti tice, bi bla vs cs tko zmesana in objokana.
I gave up the idea to feel my ED.

pravi tudi, da kljub temu, da ne bruham ze nekaj casa sem se zelo bulemicna.
kakorkoli, VE BO V REDU.

I forgot who I am

Visited my parent this weekend and to my surprise everything was fine. They didnt give any inappropriate comments, in fact, they were very happy to see me and they let me do whatever I wanted. They even gave me a present, green baggy pants that I would buy myself. I love them and I told them: it seems like you are finally getting used to me. thats good, because Iam getting used to myself aswell.
I didnt need to eat with them and I spent my afternoon at my cousins, with her baby.
I made two cakes yesterday, one for my brothers birthday and one for my counsins birthday, I did some tutoring and the boy, who came to be taught english, hated me and english before saturday, but then he just couldnt stop working, I was so happy.
I left my parents place this afternoon to go home and be with myself, but sitting alone in my apartment thinking: i actually dont know who I am anymore.
I am totally lost.

Not feeling anything, just know I miss my friends overseas, I miss traveling and I terribly miss my boyfriend.
But who am I?

Life doesnt make sense and there is nothing that inspires me and keeps me going.
Emptiness.

I dont know whether I want to practice yoga or go horse riding. Even this little thing I cant decide.
days pass by.

I am not happy.
The other day I told one of my friends I feel caught and I want to break free but dont know how and he told me I need to act like an adult and not as a child any more. I am a woman.
That comment pushed me ahead a bit and my attitude towards my family changed and I took it easy, but what that means.
I dont let myself be happy at all.
It is so irritating.

What do I need to do.
How to re-find myself?

I will try to meditate, havent been meditating for such a long time, I am afraid.
I need to come closer to myself.
Will try horse riding and will do some yoga and dancing and hopefully I will feel something more.

I used to be full of feelings, now I am an empty cup.
screw it.
I am afraid of myself.
I am afraid of who I am, afraid to be myself.

yesterday I told my pareents if I ever get married I will get married with white dress and green allstars, and both of them laughed and said: sure, I wouldnt be surprised.
These are words I was so badly wanted to hear from them everytime I came up with such a wild idea...
I finally got it and it didnt mean anything.

 Well, i am gone looking for myself.
cheers.

I hate who I am

Im still getting over that stupid number I caught the other day on a scale.
There is still some echo in my head going: 70 70 70 70 lameeee you!
I tell him to shut up, It is his own fault he saw the number, I didnt want it tho.
It's hard for me to stay focused on my diet with that voice in my head but to be honest, the scale could show any number, and I wouldnt be happy about it.
Everyday I learn more that bulimia is not on the plate, not the number on the scale, it something bigger, something called mind.
we indeed are mental cases.

what do I need to make me happy? nothing makes me happy. I simply dont let myself be happy. thats such a crap.
so many worries for nothing! why!?
im tired of it.
trying to forgive myself whatever I ve done that bad in my life, but it doesnt seem to work.
how to forgive myself?
i even have thoughts my soul did something bad in pre-life  and thats why i cnt forgive myself.
i am not fee.
why cant i simply relax and BE!
its just life.
why do i feel so dead???
I have everything.
yah, everything indeed, including eating disorders. damn.
i am broken.

well, there's no magic number, i have ppl that love me, i have amazing boyfried and wonderful job, I am respected everywhere I go, I am loved.
But I am not happy, I am not free.

I am not happy.

I dont enjoy friends, I am not enjoying life, I am not enjoying who I am.
I believe I am bad person and I can not get rid of it.
I hate the way I am. whoever I am, I hate it.

I hate my empty life I hate my lies, I hate my double life I hate I am not able to break free, I hate the way I talk I hate the way I always take shortcuts in life, I hate I am so numb, I hate my parents are incharge for  my mood, I hate i am not free.

I have had stupid thought lately something like I wanna die.
I dnt wanna die for real, but i dnt wanna live like this life any longer.
I am tired and feeling like hostage.
I am tired of lying.
The truth is, am desperate, empty and numb. I dont feel anything and I am hopeless.
i lie to stay alive, i dnt keep up with life and i done see any joy.
Nothing seems to be important and everything passes me by. Nothing stays with me and I am afraid of everything, most of it, I am afraid of my future, as I am not sure for how long I will be able to take  it.

My heart is broken, my life is broken...and its not for the first time so I seem to be tired of putting pieces together.
I need no interruption, no invisible belonging, no guilt... i need space so i give another shot.
leave me alone.
ž

The voice

I AM EXHAUSTED!
That voice is back.
The voice that tells me I am a bad person, that tells me I will never succeed, that I am fat, ugly and I dont deserve anyone to love me.
That voice, that makes fun of my wishes and tells me very bad things-
Hasnt been around that much lately, but now its back, alive and loud.
When I told my therapist about it she said:
"yes, ofcourse. Now the voice came back because it feels it can come out. It has been  muted because you shut it down, to survive time at your parents' ! And the voice you are talking about, that's bulimia!!!"

Oh no!!
I thought to myself. Again I got reminded, that bulimia is not on the plate, not in the gym and it is not hiding in fat legs. That voice is bulimia.
she told me I made a big progress but I am still completely bulimic.

The voice is telling me bad things, he is putting blame on me, making me feel guilty and it doesnt let me feel any joy and happiness.
Yesterday, I had a busy say, catching up with people and so at one point I was proud of myself thinking: "see, you are doing so much better, now you actually go out!"
I couldnt even put the smile on my face, there was already the voice saying: "yah yah yah, bullshit. if its so easy why you spent over a year in the house?? because you are piece of crap, wanst able to do the easiest thing: go for a coffee with some friends. you are the lamest."  I felt sad listening that.

Also later that day, I got changed and noticed, my lags aren't that fatty anymore and just before feeling good about it, that voice yelled: "you fat bitch, you are not able to move off from 70. who the fuck cares if you feel skinnier and who the fuck cares if you wear one size smaller pants, you are still fat creature and not able to lose some weight. shame on you!!!"  he yelled so much I was totally frustrated and started hitting my body, pulled my hair and hit the woman in the mirror. has been a while since last morror-self-attack.

My spirit left my body, it couldnt stand the fight any more, so it was just my body and bulimia putting up big fight. At one point, I dropped it, told the voice "ok you won, what do you want!"
the voice said: "i want you to suffer. I want you to finally realize how awful person you are. I want you to quit the rehab and do whatever I tell you to do and lets start with pills. You've been screwing up with me way too long, trying to keep me sober."  he yelled and yelled and yelled and it felt like he is beating me.
I felt like I am all in bruises. At first I didnt cry but soon I broke down even more.
I mentally started looking around the place for some pills. Junkie moment.
Of course I didnt fine anything since I just moved in. But holly crap, my closest neighbor is: PHARMACY!
Damn! I followed the introductions, put my shoes on and left the apartment.
Could be some air, but once I was standing infront of the pharmacy entrance, there was some other voice in my head: "are you really gonna do it? why do you let him torture you??" I guess that was my spirit that left the house because of the fight and all desperate he was sitting outside the house, thinking trough and cooling down. "NO" I said. If I walk into that pharmacy, bulimia will win.
and I have some simple rules since rehab, one of them is: NO PHARMACY!! no matter what I need, I am not walking trough the pharmacy door.
Stupid bulimia waited for me at my apartment so I was free from her outside.
I apologized to the spirit and so we took a little walk.
Came back home and bulimia was so pissed even my neighbors could hear her yelling.

"you bitch, you really think you can screw up with me just like that. you will pay for this!"
I responded: "ok, but now you need to go, because Spirit is very afraid of you and I will get the visits!"
I believe the voice jumped out of the window, frighten of another person in my apartment.

From that moment on, I wasnt alone at all, so it didnt come back. My brother had sleep over and in the morning, I left for work.when I came from work, the voice waited for me.
"not you again," I thought to myself. I turned my head away. Ignored it. The voice followed.
He is with me now, following wherever I go, checking on me whatever I do, making my lunch big and turning off the sound everytime my phn rings. he is a piece of work but now, he is having an afternoon nap in my stomach and that bastard is making me feel sick.

The Voice following like a ghost.

Nothing in Life is to be feared, It is only to be understood!

One of those hopeful days, when Life actually makes sense and it's kind of understandable.
Every move has a reason, every scream has its purpose, every person carries message, even pain makes sense and so does joy.
My home is clean and ma bills are paid. My stomach is full and my hair is done, but mostly, what makes this day so chilled is my conscience is clear.
I feel love, I am loved and I know it. This moment, I am free from self-hate. What a freedom. One who never hated hisself for longer time, can't know what a relieve it is to simply feel fine with who you are. But I know it very well and I appreciate this moment more than anything. I want it to last. I talk to the people, I talk to the strangers, I answer the phone and I meet with friends. Still one a day though but better one than non.
sometimes I look back and I am shocked how the hell did I survive with no social life. How the hell could I live with all those lies, no--one telling the truth and simply let myself stay in a house for a year or so. Couple of months ago I was there, but at this point it seems to be an eternity. That is such an amazing feeling. To get inspired, to be an inspiration to someone, so live, to feel, to see, to laugh, to take it easy, it's just life though.
When I look back, I can see how far have I come so far. I still walk on the edge but today, very this moment, I feel like I am far away from the edge.
Yesterday I got a msg from a friend of mine, I adore her and respect her, she is a mother of two children, educated woman, and she texted me: "nekateri ljudje izarevajo nekaj posebnega, so zivahni, prijazni, prevzema jih toliko veselja, da ob njih nagonsko zacutis, kako dobro ti denejo. Ko vstopijo v sobo, se zdi, kot da je ves prostor preplavila svetloba. Ko sem to prebrala, sm se nate spomnla-to si ti!" 
roke so se mi zacele trest, preplavila me je rdecica in toplo mi je blo pr srcu. nemorem verjet, da me majo ljudje radi. tako ko sem. z bulimijo. nemorem verjet, da v meni vidijo veselo, sijoco osebo.
obcutek, k je prsu v moje telo, je bil nad vsemi obcutki, in tesko mi ga je razumet. niti ne vem, kaj pravzaprav to pomeni, ampak zdelo se je, ko da sm njeno nakolnjenost spustila vase in jo zacutila.
Another msg I got in a couple of hours time was from my friend from Africa. saying: "there are people coming here every day, but i havent met anyone like you are. not even close. I dont know what is that about you, but there is some strength, power and hope within you." another beyond feeling. and just when I think It cant go nicer, there is my doorbell ringing. it is my landlord, brought me some cake. On this beautiful day, also my boyfriend shows his magic side. he calls me just to see my face and calls me an angel.
just before, I went to the bakery and there was an old man trying to get some bread, I helped him and I felt fully alive. if only this feeling could last.

but there is a momnet of a break down. it cant be true!
Non of this is real. It is not possible for people to love me. I am a monster. I am a trouble and I bring bad luck. Better stay away from me. I might hurt you. I dont know how to love, I dont know how to care, and when life gets hard, I lie! it is terrible to know big part of my life was a lie. my the biggest project now is to keep honest. no matter what, I dont need to hide between the lies.

[written next day]

Another day, another feeling.
My feelings are so confusing. Every moemnt I feel different. there 's a moment when I feel self-hate free and very next moment there its something in my stomach leading me infront of the mirror and have another look: "see, that a big fat ugly fake creature. " is telling me the voice inside my head. "you will never succeed!! never!! you will never succeed!!"
I canceled two meetings with friends, I wanna stay inside and wait for my therapy and take this heavy thought out, which I dont exactly know what it is. Maybe I am just tired. yeah, lets put the blame on tiredness.
I feel like I wanna try something challenging, do some studying, do something creative.
I dont feel good.


[written later]

I am such a smart ass. had a power nap. 
got up, made myself a cup of coffee, put on some music, of course reggae always takes good care of me and so it has now. reggae vibe, coffee and this moment. all good.
There is a strong energy to be felt around my heart area. Is like my heart is beating fast because of nervousness, it feels quite the same, just thisone is warmer, and to me, it feels like that's how I feel I am connected to my inner self.
I learned, when I get lost in the grown up world, which happens very very easily, sometimes it is enough just to have a good day, then I lower my criterion: it is not important to be aware of the day, life, universe....but I make myself look at something small around me. for example I just saw my purple sun glasses on my desk...and now am trying to find something good about my sunglasses. well, they are purple and my hair is super red, so those purple sunglasses are me. my personality. I need those sunglasses to keep myself myself. I can not get fancy, I need funky outfit. and thats me. and thats how purple sunglasses connects me with my inner self. I get closer to know, who I actually am. Since I am lost in the space, with not knowing what is happening around me and so the only touchable thing is my body. that's why I put so much hate to my body. it is not my body that I dont understand, it is something bigger out there, that i dont understand, and since I cant touch that something out there, I touch my body. it is something obvious.
it is so important to stay intouch with your own self. if you are lost in the space, you cant be happy. you need to pay lots of attention to the very this moment and use all the forces to come down to the earth. thats the only way to understand what is actually going on with you and once you understand what is going on, you cant be hurt, you cant make drama out of it. you make drama only if you dont understand the going on around you. and now, very this moment, I am here, now, with my purple sunglasses next to em, with children's paintings on the wall and with some nice african art I got from my friend for my birthday. this three things defines me at the moment. if I look around the room and try to find something else, the roon is already too big. I get lost again. to it is important to stay focus on little things close to me. and when I am ready, I will look further.
so this is me.
I understand now.

Everything is ok.

napad tesnobe

kako bulemika spravit na zur?
nemogoce. niti ce mu reces, da bo tm 15 vrec cipsa in 7 vrec kokic... no go! social life: ZERO TOLERANCE!!
no, bulemika na zdravljenju pa je mal laze spravt na zur, pod pogojem, da tm ni ne cipsa in ne kokic.
bulemik na zdravljenju gre na en party v letu, ker je to del zdravljenja...se je treba prsilt, da gres mal med ljudi.
no, jst sm se te zabave uceri celo veselila, ker je vse kazal na to, da bom hiso zapustila.
sicer cm cel dan se prepricevala, da je brezveze ampak nakoncu sm nekak uspela isklopit mozgane, se stuserat, oblect in it.
ko sm se priblizevala gruci ze dokaj podivjanih ljudi, sem se zvila k prjatlu in me je drzu za rako ko petletno pupo. nekaj prijaznih obrazev, nekaj odsotnih in nekaj bitchy ones. seveda sem se kot pravi mental case osredotocla na tiste ostre, obsojujoce, zavidujoce in "what the fuck pa ona dela tuki" poglede. ni jih blo veliko, tri. tri sem prepoznala, od tega dva od kolegic. ne, ni drama, in ne, ni blo samo v moji glavi. ampak cez ta dva sm sla hitr cez, ampak tm je bla ena psica, god forgive me for talking bad about people, ampak prou uno, bitch. seveda ji je z enim "back off" pogledom uspel pozrt vso energijo, k sm jo mela. sicer sm se se kr lep cs borila in se nism zadrzvala v njeni blizini, ce se je dal, ampak tiste face ne bom nikol pozabla...samo cekerala je kdo kj pocne, kaj kdo dela in drakala v glavo. polna sama sebe je rusla vse pred sabo. s tem osebkom sm prsla ze veckrat skupaj, ker je druzba mojega brata, in ze od prvega dne bi si lahko plunle v faco ce bi to slo.
no, ampak kot spodoben odvisnik seveda tudi tokrat nisem pila alkohola....to ljudem pojasnit je tut ko da bi s kitajcem posu sklepu.  "kaj bos pila?" "sok"  "a dej no, partybreaker!"  kmal so dojel da se ne zajebavam in so nekateri clo stopl do mene in rekl "svaka cast. zuras brez alkota, kapo dol" no in tko je zacela krozit dobra energija, plesal smo in jst sm tankala svoj sok. prhajal je vse vec ljudi in prostor je bil vse bolj neudoben. cudni snubci, pijani prjatli in ja, da ne pozabim, bitch ko zanals nasproti mene. ubijala me je, vidla sm, kako me s sladkim nasmehom ubija.
vse tezje mi je blo skakt tm na tisto muziko in sploh mi je blo neprijetno, ce na desni nism mela bratranca, na levi pa najbolsega prjatla. cim smo se pomesal, sm zmrznla. umaknla sm se in ko kup nesrece skusala umirit svojo glavo v kotu sobe. sm si govorila "vse je ok. sej ti ni treba met nobenga druzga zravn samo bratranca. ok je" in sm probala se enkrat...nazaj v krog, kjer je gruca ljudi skakala objeta na neke old sql komade. moji intervali neugodja so postajal vse pogostejsi, sploh ko me je sicer zlo dobr prjatu zacel mal prenezno objemat....halo, not feeling comfortable. sm mu rekla,d a me je zamesu z eno lubico, s kero sta ze prej serala socne groove. ni pomagal, in tko sm ostala brez suporta na levi. spet sm izstopla iz kroga in prjatlci povedala, da bom sla domou. prosila me je, naj se mal ostanem. sm rekla, what the hell, 15 minutes cant hurt. well I was wrong.
vse bolj mi je krclo zelodec, sm misla, da je zarad soka, pa sm popila vodo. ni pomagal. v zelodcu je bla ognjena kepa. v grlu se mi je nabiralo kozlanje in zacela sm se trest.
zavest se mi je zozala in kljub temu,da okrog mene v tistem trenutku ni blo nobenga in sm mela kr velik prostora, so me ljudje dusil. v nekem trenutku so se vsi spremenil v posasti. muzike sploh nism slisala in v glavi mi je samo odmeval: domov domov domov, takoj. nivarno tukaj! bla sm na robu solz, v sebi pa sem kricala. grizla sm nohte in sama sebe objela z obema rokama, nobenga nism hotla spustit blizu.
bratranec je opazu, da mi ni ok, objel me je in me pelu vn, na zrak. stisnu me je k seb in tko sm se pocutla mal bol varno. organiziru mi je revoz in v 10 minutah sm bla ze na poti domov.
najprej sm se zjokala ko dz. iz mene je samo bruhalo. lovila sm sappo in nism se mogla pomirit.
ze prej sm si oblibla, da bom se nazrla ko pridem domou. tik predno sm napadla hladilnik, me je zmotu telefon. firbcna sm bla,  kdo je, zato sm sla po telefon in prebrala sms. od moje najboljse prijateljice, ni je blo na zuru, vprasala je, ce kj plesemo. v tistem se mi je zdel, ko da me je vprasala: hey, kaj je narobe! in sesedla sm se na tla sred kuhne in ji zacela pisat.
" ja neki smo presal /..../ i broke down.sm mela napad panike, zdj sm doma, sm se zjokala, valda bo bols." in ko sm ze drzala telefon v roki, sm poklicala fanta. nic na svetu si nism zelela bolj kot pa slisat njegov glas. samo to. samo da mi rece, da bo vse ok. sicer se mi ni oglasu, ampak sm se tut njemu skasla mal na tajnico in mi povedala, da ga pogresm. takrt sm se ze pomirila.
ugasnila sm luci, se umila in sama seb zazelela lashko noc, in si oblubla, da bo jutr vse vredu.

zbudila sms e po petih urah spanja, tko da mam dans zjeban dan, in zelodec mi gori. neki sm zacela zrt prej, in v tisti jezi sm prekrsla pravilo, k sm ga dobila na zacetku zdravljenja: nic tehtanja, vsaj eno leto.
ampak, rabila sem razlog za naziranje, to naziranje zarad tesnobe sm ze dost se naucila obvladat. moje telos e, odkar sem na zdravljenju, intenzivno spreminja. moj obraz in moja postava. nosim 1-2 stevilki manjse hlace in small size majice/puloverje..... tahts all that matters, right!? ja, ce nisi bulemik, pol ti stevilke pomenjo vec, in stevilka NIKOL ni taprava. nikol.
stopla sm na tehtnco, blo je zlo neprijetno, in najprej sploh ni hotla delat, sm ze rekla: thanks universe, i get it, in sm stopla dol, a v tistem vseeno ujela stevilko.
zakricala sm!!!!!!!!!!! oblil me je pot in naravnost v wc se skozlat, sploh nism mogla zadrzat. niti grama manj mi ni tehtnca pokazala, niti grama manj!!
vse se je sesul ko hisica iz kart. v trenutku. nism vec vedla, kaj ej res in kaj narobe. vse je v moji glavi. kr neki mam obcutek, da sm shujsala, pa nism. bedna sm, naivna sm in nesposobna shujsat.
napadla sm nutelo, pojedla sm tri velike kose kruha z nutelo, namazano na debelo...res debelo, pa se en sendvic..... ampak kr v nekem trenutku sm si rekla: pa dej ne seri.zjebana si, ni ti kul, jebes vago, kdo ve zakaj ti je tko pokazal, dej ulez se pa mal se nakuleri najprej.
sm se ubogala.
in za nagrado me je poklicu fnt, in tko je vse skupi minil, tisto tahudo.

ze cel dan se pocutim precej mrtvo in na nek nacin sm razocarana, ker sm se vedno ujeta v tem svetu tesnobe, nism se sposobna kr it vn med ljudi in pac bit med ljudmi. zato sm se veselila tistga zura, ker sm se pocutla dovolj mocno, nism se prepricvala da sm debela in grda, in to je bil dosezek.
no, vseeno sm mela dve uri in pol social life-a in naslednjic bo verjetno bols.
tut ta vikend tesnonih napadov bo minil, sigurno bo.

since rehab ...

....since rehab I cry more often and I hit the point when I wanna leave everything behind and just disappear once a day..
since rehab, I eat with the biggest fear I have ever had for food.
Since rehab, I shake everytime I pass any pharmacy.
Since rehab, I spend ever waking minute thinking: "What if I wont make it!?"
Since rehab, I am afraid of getting hurt by people more.
Since rehab, I am nervous more with my family around.
Since rehab, I lost some of best friends.
Since rehab, I feel even more broken.
Since rehab, my heart is broken.
Since rehab, I feel pray to God every time I need to face the food.
Since rehab, I shower everyday.
Since rehab, I smile more often.
Since rehab, I sleep better.
Since rehab, I dont take pills anymore.
Since rehab, I am not disgust with my body that much.
Since rehab, I talk more.
Since rehab, I am back at work.
Since rehab, I am more honest.
Since rehab, I talk to my body and trust my body more.
Since rehab, I changed a phone number, all the clothes, apartment, job, friends, food.
Since rehab, I finish yogurt  with 15 spoons instead of 3, a cookie with 5 bits instead of 5 cookies with 1 bite.
Since rehab, I  poop.
Since rehab, I dress nicer.
Since rehab, I have my period back.
Since rehab, let my boyfriend love me.
Since rehab, I let myself love my boyfriend.
Since rehab, I am more reasonable and nicer.
Since rehab, I stand up for myself  time to time.
Since rehab, I listen music everyday and I dance along.
Since rehab, I wear my jewelry again and I do my hair.
Since rehab, I face my responsibilities and I pay bills.
Since rehab, I answer the phone more often and I catch up with some friends more often.
Since rehab, I learned how to calm myself down in some situations.
Since rehab, I encourage other people.
Since rehab, I am better listener.
Since rehab, I am calmer person, waaaaaaay calmer.
Since rehab, I see some inspiration.
Since rehab, I take a rest when I get tired.
Since rehab, I am aware of having an eating disorders a bit more.
Since rehab, I dont even hate bulimia anymore but I hate the cause of it.

Then once again, since rehab, I feel broken. I feel like a failure, I feel  damaged, I feel incapable for life,I feel different and I feel not worth to be loved and respected.
But since rehab, there is a glimmer of hope that once I am over bulimia, I will be a great person, and fighting now is an insurance for not making same mistakes with my children like my parents did. Not only to my own children, but to all the people I will ever meet. That thought keeps me going. Once I am trough, I will be better person.

And since rehab, since there is big mess going on, I believe in a second chance, I never did before.

Since rehab, beauty got new definition and life got new colors.

Ps: To all those, who read my blog and struggle with ED, take my advice and GO GET HELP!!
Get on a rehab. It wont be easy....actually it will be very very hard and at some point you will realize torturing yourself at the toilet is much easier that facing the truth about yourself you carry with you every day.
You will lose lots of friends, it will hurt so much you will believe you will die, but you wont, you will get over it soon and you wont look back.
you will be suffering when trying to stay away from the toilet, you will scream and probably break some furniture. you will sweat and you won eat. you will have terrible nighmares where you will be puking all the time...and this will not stop soon. 
you will need to change all the clothes and you will believe its a wast of money, but trust me, it is still cheaper than all the money we spend on food. you will need to change your phone number and people will give you some stupid comments, but you will feel good about letting some bad energy out. Probably hairdresser wont be avoidable, and my advice is: put some red on thistime.
It wont be easy. At one point, you will hate everything and you will be angry at everyone.
 no-one will understand you and no-one will give you fully support, but thats ok. you need them next to you just the way they are. but they will be often busy just when you will have your billionth break down. But thats ok, tahts your own growth, just dont judge them. You will feel like you are losing your mind and you wont recognize the right from wrong. you will doubt more than you have ever doubt and your body will HURT! your body will ache most of the time and it will be reminding you daily you have been screwing it up for last 10 yrs of your life, but thats ok, with time you will learn how to hold your sown elf.
dont worry, that comes naturally. life prizes you at one point,  for your persistence. for first couple of months you will be nervous and anxious, your condition will go downhill and it wont make any sense.
you will be vomiting more, you will be binging more and you will make some wrong decisions. but thats ok, you are a junkie, remember. thats how it goes. it will go too slow regarding to your effort you will put in a fight and you will be confused just about everything.
but at some point, you will figure out some beautiful things about bulimia. bulimia has been always protecting you, because of bulimia you survived.
life will gift you more and more often and it will become easier and easier, and you wont feel alone, you will have life on your side, and it will be very obvious, as you have been living all your life feeling like life is screwing up with you.
of course you will throw up still, but you will be able to forgive yourself and move on. you will learn how to observe your feelings, and things will start making sense. after couple of months, you will start looking for solid reasons why to get well, because it will become important to you. and it will take months and months until you will feel at least a bit good about your progress. and just when you will see your first progress, it will hit you again. depression will come, and life will test you, if you are really ready for level 2. 
but that time, you will really lose your mind, because if lucky, at that point, you wont be spending that much time at the toilet, so there will be only you and cruel depression. endless pain. and you wont have that easy exit you have had for whole life anymore: toilet. you wont go puke and your stomac will HATE you for that. 
you will cry days and night and you will make plans how to go rob the store and binge just that time. 
so it will be just you and the pain, and you will need to face it. you will need to face yourself  you wont sleep and wont eat and all new habits you have learned by then will be at risk. if you will learn how to eat 4 times a day, at that time it wont mean anything.  but you will put fight up, because that will be important to you.
you will be frighten more then ever and you will want to quit. really quit. you will walk to the fridge every 3 minutes and in the mean time, you will be making some deals wth the toilet. I cleaned all the toilets in the house in a case my ego will win the fight and send me to the toilet. but again, thats fine, you are only a junkie. you will annoy all those who love you and you will feel terrible. again!! guilty and terrible. two strong emotions which you really wont need at that time, because these tho emotions always take you to the toilet..... but you will survive. and if you do, you will pass level 1.

and at that point, you will feel good about your progress for the first time. 
you will be proud and you will look back and see clearly, how much you actually grew. 
you will smile and look up into the sky, and say "Thank you, God!" 
by that time, God will already be one of your best friends.


So, do not hesitate, no matter how hooked you are, if you puke 3 or 10 times a day, if you take 10 pills or non, call your doctor. stop hating yourself. cmon, its only life.  
you would never choose bulimia if you were asked. so, get rid of it and give yourself another chance. there is life and freedom waiting. YOU ARE ABLE TO PUT THE FIGHT UP!!! we all are.
I am. you are!
I never believed I will stop with pills, I will ever speak up for my rights and I will ever poop in my own, but hey, god never gives you more that you are able to manage. 


Good luck!

the matter of feelings

Finally settled down in my new home.. making myself a home.
Lost my mind on monday, simply coulnt take anymore so I packed my bags and left my parents place. Made it home and set on my bed for a while. took couple of breaths and I could feel how bad energy cooled down. it was obvious. all of a sudden, there was no tension. I started cleaning up my apartment, with some good chilled music in a background. it was like sorting out my mind. I did some cleaning for for hours and didnt think of anything but my boyfriend. he is such a safe place to be. But there was a big portion of guilt caught up. I felt guilty for being so annoying. The voice in my head was telling me we will break up, because I dont deserve a guy like him. that hurt me. all i wanted was to talk to him hours and hours and re-fill my body with his love. long talk on the phone helped, but woke up as guilty as fell asleep, so coulnt wait to get to the therapy. I like therapy in like this cases because I realize whether my behaving was silly because of being a jerk or because of my condition. so once I spoke to my psychiatrist about it, I calmed down...it was because of my depression.
After my therapy I went back to my parents place, only god and my parents know why...it was just something they told me to, tho I didnt want to go. Lately, I have been doing anything they told me to do, and kind of lost my self again. brainwash is such an awful thing.
well, I survived. we had some visitors, our family friends who are just like my another family, they love me even more I believe, but there is a mother, who has always made my bulimia worse, because she has some complexes about food herself and as I am weak link, she put all of her frustrations on me. she always counted how many pieces of food I ate and always called me fat. when there was a big family party and the table was full of delicious food, I always got special diet plate. Ofcourse my eyes were big from those sweets so when nobody watched, i would always steal some of the food and went eat it to the toilet. when spending summer at their place on a strict diet but stealing food of course I never lost a kilo, so I vomited double time. at home was quite the same, but I always had that program set up that my family can say and do anything to me.
with years of torturing I started hated her and never forgiven her. I avoid her as much as possible, but this time I couldnt (well I could, but I am nothing against my parents and they told me to be at home when they come visit) so after a long time I was sitting at the same table as she did...and consequences were obvious. I was the fattest in my mind and all of a sudden, there was lots of food on my plate, probably just to prove her I will eat lots no matter what she thinks. it was awful and I ate way too much and I wanted to go puke, but I reminded myself of one promise I made a while ago: I will NOT vomit because of my family and her.
It is not too hard to stay away from the toilet when reminding myself about that promise.
In the morning I left that place and felt better suddenly. am at my home now, feeling calmer and feeling like I am controlling my  diet. its just lunch time, will have some soup and bread.
spoke to my boyfriend and all si good at the moment.
I understand my doctor now what she tried to say when she literally begged me to leave my parent place. she told me only when I am away, I will understand what the safe space mean and how un-safe my parents place is for me.
since rehab, she has been always mentioning some safe space but never understood quite well what that means but now i do.
its a place, where you can let your self feel and let yourself be.
everyone needs place like this but in my condition this is so much more important.
Home is a place,w here you are safe from all the troubles and darkness, place, where you can be sad and miserable, and no-one judges. and so I am letting myself feel now...and what i feel is a cocktail of fear, anger, sadness and confusion.
I learned, everytime I get sad, I express my sadness with an arrogance. everytime I am afraid, I express my fear with showing up (fake) strength, everytime I am confused, and all this because I have never been thought how to feel in a right way.
I never cry infront of people and I never admit I am afraid. Because everytime I cried back home, I was told to stop and everytime I was afraid, I have been told to keep on going. also when I showed how sad I am, I have been told not to make drama, and mostly my dad ignored me, so I got upset and yelled just to be noticed. and thats how I grew up. with understanding feelings WRONG!
and now, with 26, I am re-learning about feelings on my own. not even happiness is what I believed it is...I showed it wrong. I was actually never allowed to be happy, I was called a clown of a goofer.
But I am a clown and I am a goofer. why serious if you can have fun? you know therapies are hard because you get deep look into who you really are and who you became because of environment you were growing up in. and regarding to environment if the result is an eating disorder, you can be sure you will lose your mind once you realize that.
There is so much within our selves that we dont even knwo. there is an evil and there is joy, there is love and there is hate, there is care and  and there is indifference.... no matter how much we believe we are good people, there is a nest of negativity within us....and realizing that, oh my...
the hardest thing for me is realizing who I have become and it want my choice.
ok, I believe in god's will, because that's why im becoming better person now and i am able to help people in need, and probably I can teach a lot about life, but I dont believe I would ever choose an addiction as a tool to grow up big.
I am confused about all this. sometimes I am very calm and just doing my rehab as it needs to go and I dont think much why I am the one with bulimia...I understand my condition very well, i also understand why I got that disease, I dont blame anyone and anything, I believe I was suppose to get ED to pull all those roots out, so I will be able to make some changes in peoples' life... but sometimes I get really upset why ED, why my family treated me the way they did, why I cant be normal, I dont wanna keep up with rehab and I am angry.
this on/off feeling is very exhausting...I never know how I will feel about my self/my life in next minute...but on the other hand I am trying so hard to build confidence and get good opinion about myself...but with sick mind that aint easy.
nothing is stable and nothing stays with me for long.
I lear about humans feelings and emotions everyday at work, because of my occupation...I need to learn what the child's scream means...is it really anger or it's something else? what does hitting means? is it really anger or it's something else....I need to go deep, deeper than anyone goes ... well, thats why I am paid for, but that also how I started treating myself...I am nothing but one of those children of mine at school with
 special needs. 
I work with highly autistic kids and with them nothing is the way it looks at first...
before I came, they were treated same as "normal" kids and for every hitting they got time out. I came with the idea not to gie them time out but understand them instead. I have been told this is impossible because they dont know how to express their feeling and beside that, those kids dont talk at all.
I asked them for a chance and so I hugged those kids every time they hit me. soon, they trusted me enough to simply break down and cry in my shoulders and that how we all learned that hitting doesnt always mean anger but it can mean sadness, irritation  .. and that's completely different feeling. so for a sad child we offer a shoulder and give warmth, for hitting child we give hard times and built walls. 
that idea I got when Iw as stuck at home without a chance to express my feelings... couple of times I came downstairs sad and annoyed and I was told to stop. and emotion that grew within me was so strong and all I wanted to do was to hit. to hit, because of that strong emotion, not from hate, just from irritation. and came to school next day believing I understand my children.
so with them and with my disorder, I am learning about feelings we carry with.
I learned, the only way to make my children express their feelings in a proper way is to make them feel safe at first. it is a hold, but in my case, since i am not a little child any more, a hold can be just safe room without those who cant understand me around.
I dont need much, but one thing I need the less, its pressure. 
 in bulimia is all about upside down inside out feelings... we are learned wrong how to feel, what to feel and how to express ourselves. whatever we feel is OK. it is RIGHT. its ok to be angry, upset, envy, sad, irritated....but we need to observe ourselves how do we react in certain situations. we need to go deep int our self and look closely what it that that make us feel that way. once we see it close enough it is easier to recognize the source of that emotion, it is easier to feel it, understand it and finally LET it GO!
one thing I never developed is forgiveness ... I have actually never forgotten in my life. never REALLY let go... only imaginary let go. I never forgotten myself for anything. I never forgotten my father I never forgotten my friends who hurt me. never. and at this stage I know, without forgiveness, especially to my own self, I will never get over eating disorders. I will never be able to feel fully and proper. I will never be able to move on.
starting with forgiving myself. 


now, with a safe space, I could try, I believe. I am deep enough to see exactly what to forgive my self, what to forgive my family, people and friends..
I am my own parent now, my own best friend and my own guru. only I can save my self from bulimia.
only I can teach my self how to feel, how to believe and how to keep on going. Only me is the one, who I can lean on when life really gets hard. No-one has a power of healing me, but me. 


And no-one has a power of healing yourself, but you!