you get the worst of me!

"you get the worst of me!"

There is no hope for me.
Those voices I am bad person arent just sick voices of my bulimia, I really am!!
yesterday my car broke down and it was my fault because I didnt take care of it, didnt cchange oil when i was suppose to and so my cars engine passed away.
I can live with that, it would cost me loads of money to fix it and I could survive. telling the truth it is my fault also isnt that big deal but it was a huge deal when it came to my parents, especially father.
he started giving me hard times how lazy I am and not resposnible and I need to grow up and not take life so easy and on and on....and my first reaction was I lied to him that my car broke down from another reason and not because there was no oil in the machine.
Like I was 15. it is hard to admit your mistakes but if i cannot admit it I at least keep quite, but to my parents I always like. and so i lied yesterday with 26 years of age!!
so embaresing and so sad!!

when the mechanic told me what is the reason I just wanted to die.
so when spoke to my parents I just told them part of the reason and my father started preaching about my lame life again and just couldnt face it infront of him so the exit was: lie and run!
After he calmed down he started looking for new engines and really helped me out and I didnt have heart to whatch him spend time on me after I lied so this morning I told him the truth and apologized for lying.
I think he understood why I did it and wasnt upset, told me to calm down and not to cry that he will find the engine and will fix it. even asked me if i will have enough money and so.

when all this will be over?

I feel like i dont deserve a chance, respect or love!!!

All those people that love me.......................................they shuldnt. I am a curse!!

No matter how much Im trying to wash my guilt and be better person, there is that part of me, that is gone bad and stinks!
And no matter how I honestly talk about my lies full life, was too long that was a secret and I still feel like am hiding the ugly part of me.

I am so sad.

Im feeling so broken!!!
Im feeling like Im left in the icy water.
Im feeling like life has been testing me.
It waited for my fall break so I have more time to deal with things and more time to really understand what is its (life's) purpuse. I can clearly see what is it trying to achive.
each step I take I am being watched, each move I make I am watched closely.
Tko se pocutm k da me drka u glavo.

but isnt it ironic....i had speech in my mind what to say to my boyfriend how its time for him to run away from me as fast as possible because i am big fat ugly person, in tears tell him how awful Im feeling for lying to my father and my boyfriend just calmly listened and said: "you know babe, thats excatly what makes you such a great and big person. facing your mistakes. I am so proud of you!"
what do you mean???? am lying ass!!!

and same before when I coudnt live with myself anymore lying to my father (it is more about me not so much about him, but i dont wanna be a bad peoson full of shit anymore!!!) and so I had a scenario in my head how family will never talk to me again and how trough they are with me, quickly made did math I can survive with my salery so I dont need them.....and after i told my father I lied and apologized he was calm for the first time since i have known him and told me not to cry that he understands it was hard for me to admit he was right and there is no end of the world. i insisted it is the end of the world because I lied again and he kind of made joke saying something like "dear you were lying to me half of your life, today just ego was hurt!"

so twice in two days there was the world about to end, I was about to give up on rehab and run to the Mexico but at the end of the day, things fell into place and all is good, just like that.
zivlene pa pomoje klukce dela zravn a sm uspesno opravla nalogo al ne.

actually was three times in three days that wold almost collapsed in my head.........once it was because of boyfriends mother. I hurt her feelings with simply being myself..........................................and knowing she is feeling bad because of me ate me alive, for the whole day I was crying and crying and crying and called everyone I trust to come nanny me because I cant hold a puke in my stomach any longer but feel like vomiting. crazy. but at the end of the dramatic day and few emails with her, she calmed down and all is good again.

but all those situations seem just everyday shit to most of the normal people but for me personaly those are HUGE personal battels that push me to the edge and all i want is to give up on everything and disappear.
and has ben such a long time since I had the idea of giving up for the last time.

I need to take a deep breath!

good vs evil

I wish I slimed down for another 5kg, I wish my face was prettier, I wish I ate healthier, I wish I drunk more water, I wish I looked more attractive, I wish i spoke more languages, I wish I earned more money, i wish I traveled more, I wish I went more often for a walk, I wish I finished my children's book, i wish I read more, I wish i cleaned my apartment, I wish I undrestood peopleI wish skinny people arent called normal, they are skinny for god sake, i wish people wouldnt be that blinded, i wish world would be run by love and not stupid pop culture, I wish people werent that dumb, i wish there was music in town, I wish potato wouldnt be that hard to be peeled, I wish gas was cheaper, i wish people on the road werent that jackass, i wish I had a horse, I wish i didnt need to pay pills, I wish my plant didnt have lice, i wish I did some yoga, i wish i didnt have fat arms, I wish my apartment wouldnt get dusty that quickly, i wish stor next door werent that expensive, i wish I start my work at nine sometimes, I wish I had new bedding, I wish I was calmer, I wish I wasnt that annoyed, i wish I wouldnt care that much for every single ass that doesnt deserve my attention, I wish I could fuck off some people with fuck off words without being called rough, I wish I didnt need to strugle with bulimia, i wish I trusted more, i wish a fly would disappear infron of my face now ......................................................
oh damn it.
I wish I wasnt that whinny!!!!!!!!!!
I trully just wish I relaxed more and enjoy what I have in my life at the moment!!!!

I am so blinded and paralized by all that "i wish...." fuck it.

I am not looking bad, since not using pills and vomiting my skin is nicer and my face looks prettier, I am not chubby, I have normal shape, I look attractive and I feel good, I voice my opinion and I am more confident, I have amazing boyfriend who loves me, who tells me he loves, he is moving over for the sake of our relationship. I have everything I need. I have great job and amazing kids, i have good friends that call me up for a coffee, I am very respected woman, I am interesting and unique, tho we all are. i am not giving up and I am strong, I have everything. I follow trough with daily responsibilites, I eat normal, I shower daily, I brush my teeth 2-3 times a day, I pay bills, I am reliable, I am honest, I tell the truth, I am not full of shit and excuses, I am presant and I am funny. I am dealing well with bulimia and once again, I have amazing relationship and i dont need to panic.
but it is in my current nature to panic and fear everything and make my own life miserable. I am not relaxed and I am not enjoying my recovery pogress, my relationship, my life, my friends......am an ass.

I wish I felt more. I wish I felt more joy.
but i dont.
domething is stopping me. I know what that is, it is my past. all my past fears, doubts, anger, pain is stopping me from enjoying myself and mylife now.
I know that and it is stuck in my body.
my doctor always says it is time for me to start doing the homework regulary, focus on my body, on the pain in the body and stay with the body and its pain. thats the only way to get out of bulimia, she says.
I am scared so I am not doing it at home at all. I am afraid of doing if coz I know how awful it feels. it wakes up all my fears of being fat and I literally feel giantic. i feel all that fat on my feet, legs, hips, belly, chests,  neck, face. all over my body and i freak out "I dont wanna be thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat fattttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!! I want it to go away!!!!!!!!!!!! i want all this fat to go away!¨
then Im rubbing my legs, trying to rub fat off and crying. I dont know how to stop  myself, i can only do it with my doctor. but  if that is what is stopping me from being relaxed and fine with my NOW, than I better start working on my body asap!!

has been a month since I ve felt this anxiety.
it came to me when I was told my boyfriend cheated on me. that lady who told me that popped the bubble I used to live in all by myself, alone and where everything was just about myself.
when i realized my boyfriend did not cheat on me but her husband did cheat on her I got very much involved in that stupid story, I offered her myself and for last several weeks she was chatting with me about her problem and it opened up sooooo much questions and emotions with me that i even get upset now why i cared in a first place!?!?!?
no wshe is back together with her hubby, busy playing wife roll again and I am left upset wondering What the fuuuuuuuck is wrong with people!??!?!?!?!??!?! why people are so stupid, so blinded!?!?!
yah, most of them are without even knowing, but still.
i am not in a mood of being a nice one, understanding everyone, hell no, i feel like yelling "dude, think! you ass!!!"

but im not here to judge, with all the shit I did in my life.

I just wish I was happier and more focused on what really matters and what really makes me happy.
re-start myself and my mind.
I wish I found way to go back to basics and not freak out all over the place.

I am living two lives at the moment, the present one and the past (bulimia) one. the bulimia one is looking for shit in anything good, doubting and fearing everything that I care of, refusing everything that might be love, not understanding why and how would someone care about me and do anything for me, but on the other hand it is present me, who has her price and deserves love and respect just like everybody else, who is excited about experiancing the real love for the first time.

and those two "me" keeps fighting whichone will rule the day.
and Im just: "screw you both, mama needs some rest!"

I choose HEALTH!

Two weeks ago is wne I had my chew surgery and was told not to eat hard food.
Soft for me was yogurts, pudings, chocolate and cokolino.

and you know what, after two weeks of that really crapy food I can not wait to go back to my healthy diet. Just now, when my diet was unhealthy, I can see I actually eat very healthy now.
I am missing veges and prepered food, not just pre-prepered bags of food and unhealthy pudings.
I am feeling sick of it and having headaches every time i eat some chocolate.
I am really feeling sick just thinking of chocolate.

I want my healty diet back!!!
So today they took stiches out and have to be careful for one more week since the wound isnt healed yet but I couldnt wait for that moment as I want eat healthy again!!!
no chocolate, no sweets, no crappy food, but serious food.

i am afraid how will i go back to normal diet.
After two weeks of choclate and pudings will be heard to chew a stake and salad i think.
but really cannot tell how much i am waiting for tomorrow, starting eating properly, healthy!!

Not feeling goodat the moment.
I am normal size, face is very skinny, theres no fat belly and no fat lags, but my skin is unhealthy and im feeling unhealthy.
was never healthy food freak but now I am pretty sure sweets are NOT neccesery food!!
we do not need sweets!!!
(i dont need it).

makes me feel unhealthy.
i can feel the difference.
not taking healthy care of myself, not easy.
i havent been very good before that two-week-sick-leave but comparing to this crapy time, i was doing great job. did horesriding, spent time moving, spent time eating well.

I have never thought i will ever sound this way, but I know i felt much better before the surgery and i am willing to get that back!!

yogurt and carrots for snack, chicken and vegetables for lunch, cerial for dinner. healthy sandwiches and veges.
I sound odd:D

anyways.
AWAY WITH SUGAR!!!!!!!!
my head is about to explode.

Carrots over chocolate!!!
Salad bowl over pudings!!

I choose health!
I choose life!!

Last two weeks i took absolutely NO time to prepare food.
30 seconds the most!
ok no, one day i mademyself a spinach and potatos.

also my apartment is ugly, not cleaned up.

I dont follow. not keeping up.
need to come home from work tomorrow and just BE alive in my place, clean it and enjoy it.
have cup of tea and celebrate life.

I need some alone time. time for myself. time to treat myself. with food, bath, tea, book, candles....
time for ME and ME only!!

last five weeks i ve been pretty wigely wagely so hopefully will be back on a track this fall break.

clouds are my pillow and sun is my crown!

I finally reached the point of my life when I say to myself: "I have wisdom and strength!!"

it is not a feeling or a thought in my head, it is just something i know.
I feel strong and I know I am capable winning anything that life brings. bulimia is deffinitely the biggest battle ever so anything from this point on I can handle.

I see now I have been trough so much in my life, I have experianced so much so far that most people never will and i have strength. I have my reason to stay alive.

It is just a moment when I know i above all the rules and know things others dont.

I have walked the hard path to make it here and I know it.

I think I am rebirthing! it feels amazing. doing things like little kids, drawing lots, singing, dancing...trying to protect and enjoy my little space. I can. I can choose what to let in and what not.
I have a power of saying: "I am not going to think of this because it will make me feel bad!"
I have a power of choosing what to think and what to do.
I am incharge of my own rehab, I am incharge of my life.

I dont need to know all the answers. I am not here to understand everything. I have my particualr mission and to the misson I follow. I dont need to make everyone feel good, it is not my thing to understand everyone and knw everything.

I am here to recover from bulimia and live my life fully with a knowledge that bulimia gave me.
I am here to live my own life and do my own things. Not to be selfish, but to live my own way and be kind.
I am here to speak up about dark side of life, dark side of bulimia, dark side of eating disorder, some people might listen, some people might hear me, some people might ignore me. but that is not my problem, they dont need to follow me, they dont need to listen. it is their business what they do with their lives and they have a right and a power to choose what to hear and what to believe.

I dont get hurt anymore if people say: "oh bulimia you mean when you eat lunch and then puke afterwards?" and they are not willing to change their oppinion about bulimia....so they continue living life believing bulimia is for weak people who want to please to anyone and that is just our fault.
I am here to teach myself at the first place and then those who are willing to listen. period.

I am not wasting any more of my energy for the people who are hurting me, for the people who dont listen to me, for those who are not gentle with me and for those who believe i am weak.
I know the truth and with the truth i life.

you have your own truth, you might want to share it, you might want to keep it. it is your decition what you do, just be aware of your power.

I am almost saying: "dont you ever dare to tell me i dont know how it feels to be down and not knowing if you will make it trough next five minutes or not. i know what the pain is." it is not being proud of the shit i have been trough but i am proud of the shit i have learned out of that shit. and i know i am not stupid and i know i know lots.

it might be just a moment of feeling thisway, I dont know, tomorrow I might feel weak again, but it is first time in my life thinking this way and it feels good.

last therapy i had difficut times, i cried and had big break down because of feeling fat. i did work with my doctor so she led me trough, but i felt like dying with that fatty body and I was freaking out things will never change, things will never go better, bulimia will stay with me forever.
one of the most painful moments, when you realize it is YOU who is failing anf you who doesnt have enough strength, but look today, after three days I am feeling way different.
so there is hope i will win.
i am winning now.

I am waking up and seeing and feeling things, understanding things. I hit the ground once a day, often i go to bed feeling ugly, without a shower, stinky, just because i dont feel like taking care of myself, i dont feed myself in a proper way, eating junk food and i dont clean my place, jsut because i dont feel like i am worth of living in a nice place, but there are moments when i shower myself, let myself have a nap, make myself a health meals and clean my place, make myself a cup of tee, turn on my fave music and enjoy myself the way i am and enjoy my life the way it is. and there is more and more such moments which make my life much nicer, but cold, dirty, ugly, stinky wave of life splashes me at any times, without any warning.
I so far I have always survived.

My ache, my pain and my harm I have been through and will come visit in the future too make me sit and think: "I have been trough tough times, clouds were over my happiness, but those same louds are my pillow now and the sun is my crown."

because of my beloving boyfriend

have i ever told you why I chose rehab?
it was because of my boyfriend.


I have bulimia since i was 13, vomiting, binging, dieting, hating myself.
more i think now, i have never been relaxed child and felt bad about everything i did from early childhood.
by the age 13 i was already super depressed and by the age 15 I tried to commit suicide twice.
both times mom found me and took me to the hospital. I got psyciatrist straight away and so between age15 and18 i had regular therapies. my main goal still was to end up my life and binging-purging, depressiona and hatting myself didnt stop.
my social life sucked, i didnt talk to anyone, tho i was always the most popular kid in school. everyone wanted to hang out with me but i was always very picky with people.
I was huge nirvana and kirt cobain fan but i had a lot of metal fans, skate and snowboard fans, even techno fans. never really experienced how it feels when you are not accepted by others.
but i never cared about partying and guys.
i was busy struggling with myself and with my family. my family believed my alternative way of living was chosen by the reason to tourture my parents and it was because i didnt respect them. they always put blame on me i am the reasno they fight and i cause so much harm with my etno life.
i remember mom asking god for ages what did she do wrong to be so punished with such daugter and and my father always told me my personality is so shitty i will never succeed in life. i remember them telling me this since 12 or 13.
somehow i survived my therapies and when 18 my doctor set me free. i was fine for a year, still stuck with bulimia tho, but at least i got interested in social life a bit more and so i started partying. again, i never had any problem with people and got heaps of attention everywhere i came. i was pretty party animal so i added partying to my bulimia and selfhate. it was for the first time i learned compliments aint good thing for me, because everytime i got a compiment, i was sure they are just screwing up with me I am shit anyway. so i partied a lot, i met lots of people and i struggled a lot more. soon, depression joined my bulimia, selfhate and partying. not fun. the combination made me totally numb and by the age 19 i cancled everyone and everything on puurpuse and went back to my quite world where no-one can hear me crying and no-one can see my pain. that was one of the hardest times of my life as i didnt care about anything but things at home got worse than ever before. as i was often outside against my parents will they were both sure i am doing drugs and having sex with anyone. they were sure about drugs since i was 15, but apart from smoking weed and drinking alkohol i never tried anything and i had my first sex when i was 18 and i think i can count on one hand with how many guys i slept with. but my mom constantly called me a whore and my dad called me a junkey. thats how i grew up. and i will never succeed.
i wasnt sure if i will survive my depression at 19 but then by some stupid reason i hooked up with my good friend and we ended up dating. he was big serious stoner and i was busy convincing him to stop smoking so it was a first time after a year that i cared about. soon we moved in together and that was a time when i had my first break from bulimia. but soon after i stopped vomiting, i was diagnosed for a cancer on my cervix. it last three year and in the mean time i broke up with my boyfriend. i was on a top of the world, single, fighting for my life, feeling, not vomiting, not hating myself and not dieting. for a first time in my life.
in the time when my bulimia wasnt active, i lost about 20kg.
i was single for about six months and almost recovered from cancer when i met a guy i fell inlove with in a bout a second.
he totally blew my mind away and he was so different from what i was used to it. he seemed perfect.
we ended up sleeping together, then few more times and soon he left back to new zealand, letting me know we can only be friends. but i didnt know him as a friend.
soon after he left, i had my finaly radio therapies and as soon as they pronouced me cancer free, bulimia came back. i think in a same week.
i had special diet for cancer and i gained about 10 kg. i was huge. i was even more constipated from already being constipated for about 6 years.
i got some pump to clean my vagina everyday and soon i realized i can use it also to clean my rectum. it worked.
it was pretty same affect as vomiting. i used it everyday. then i googled it more about it and realized all i am empting is my rectum and not the whole digest system. so went to the pharmacy and got myself laxative pills. took one, worked better than any vomiting before. ate lots took abother one, shit-ed, vomited and ate again. took two, ate even more, pooped much more, vomited more and felt empty. after a several weeks eating laxative pills and binging was all i did. pretty fast i came from one pill to 8 pills a day and 8 vomits a day. selfhate grew and depression grew. i got super addicted to those pills and couldnt live without them. if i didnt have an extra box at home, i got nervouse. but wont write about those details since my whole blog is about this addiction.................but soon i was so busy shitting and vomiting i didnt have time to leave the house. hated everyone, myself and bulimia and i ended up stuck at home for a year. i left only when needed to go get pills or food. sometimes stole money from my mom to get more food and did some translating and tutoring.
my only regular friend was my current boyfriend. we kept intouch and he was very nice to me. he did play tricks with me tho now he says he didnt but he did. i was in such shit i couldnt take any more stress and was still inlove with him but he didnt want me that i decided to head down to africa. time in africa my bulimia wasnt there but when i came home, my life went from bad to worse. bulimia took contol over every second of my day, kept me awak all nights vomiting, crying, shitting, hating myself. day after day, night afer nigh.
it got so bad i ended up at clinic for few times because i over dosed. it last for another year and a half.
in a mean while i time to time spoke to him and at one point i told him i cant play it anymore, so i want him to decide is he in or is he out. after few months he decided he is in and we started dating.
i thought it cant get worse with my condition but it did go worse.
with my new relationship i got extra at least 4 vomits a day. my body was so exhausted I was more and more sure i will not make trough another day. my body was slowly shutting down.
after six months of relationship we kind of knew we need to break up, it aint good for us. but deep down i knew there is different me, me, that he met and me that he liked when he met me. i remembered he met me when i was not fighting with bulimia and i was super duper the happiest hippie on the planet.
i was determent to find that happy me before we give up.
i started working on myself, went from one doc to another from one yogi to another and all told me pretty much the same: i am 100% depressed and i have 100% developed eating disorders and that my body is shutting down so i dont have much more left. i didnt believe them but when i ran out of all options, i accepted the fact i need help.
I wanted to give my relatioship a chance.
so i went on a rehab.
my boyfriend didnt break up with me after i told him and ever since he is the greatest support and my reason to get recover.

he is also a reason i keep writing this blog as i believe one day i will be able to put all those posts together and put them in a nice book, i need only one book, to dedicate it to him. to say thank you for Life!
he is a reason i look forward everyday and that i try to be better person.

 he is a reason i broke way too long going on bulimia chain and my family disaster.

this is just a (very) long story (very) short but i am so grateful for him I cant keep it inside myself anymore.
that man took me with huge baggage --- bulimia! you know how huge deal bulimia is. he took me, offered me help and never gave up on me. he always had faith in me. he is always there for me and he helped me to get over my bulimia (almost yet) .
he is the man who changed me and made a good person out of me and me being a good person means much more love on the world.
when i try and tell him how amazing he is, he doesnt give hisself any credits, he always says "babe, it is you who makes a decidion at the end!" yah, true, but he is the reason i came so far. he is my decidion.
and i love him more than anything. thank you, gorgeous!!!

all you can eat

I would totally win the competion if any this weekend in who can eat more.
I dont stop eating.
Im feeling sick from all the sweets but i dont stop.
mornings are fine, then dont know what to eat fro lunch and just grab a chocolate, which leads to another bar and another and to chololate puding and to chocolate baby food and to yogurt aaaaa!!
my regular got mad too, after every meal I end up pooping lol soft food working aye.
but it aint funny i havent been eating senseless since last january, so ten months, and now im so bord and so not creative with food i keep binging.
sometimes i feel bad then i tell myself im off to work tomorrow so will go back to my routine, but what had happened this weekend??
did it really effect me so much that I am not allowed to eat most of the food? is it really so dangerous to tell bulimic to stay on a soft food diet for two weeks? thats what i think it happened. they got me unprepeared. i dont know what to eat. aar. sometimes i just make fun of myself and actually laugh out loud, asking myself: "are you ready for another puding, you can choose; vanilla or chocolate!?" but then i get upset and sad, i didnt want to eat that much ever. Still, it cannot be comapred to how i used to binge but non of this food I dont need. beside that, i am just lying in my bed, doing nothing, not even spending any energy so soup or spinach should be enough, but guess what- it freaking isnt!!! I feel hungry alllll the time. bowl of soup isnt a lunch and one chocolate bar isnt any breakfast. buggers. im hungry. and i am not PMSing and there is no full moon but simply I cant get enough of this soft food. I keep telling myself: if baby eats a bowl of baby food he gets full for long time, you get full for 20 minutes.
I think it is because they told me to whatch what to eat and so i am protesting now. but its my loss.
this mornig when i got up my body was nice and belly was flat, so no demage from yesterday's chocolate-ouding-babyfood-binging, so i thought i will keep my nice body today ... hell yah, after two hours I started my all you can eat sunday.
dont know whether to laugh or cry.
my stomach hurts at the moment and i am so upset I ate anything.
but the good news is I will probably get totally sick of those pudings and chocolates so i will stay away for longer time.
another thing that upsets me is i am not taking good care of my wound.i am afraid my stiches will rip...but hoooooow, im only eating soft food. fuck soft food.
I havent even strech from the morning, im stuck in my bad, everything hurts me from lying. fuck. i mean it. and im suppose to be lying for two weeks. nah nah nah, off to work tomorrow!!
i cant understand how i survived those hard depressions when didnt leave a house for months and months and had only been purging, binging and lying. i dont remember feeling any pain in my butt from lying, but now i do after three days.
im so yucky now. my poor body, what have I dont to you.
I am so so so sorry.
having headache, need some fresh air. 
I 'v got running stomach from all those sweets, just spent half an hour at the toilet. today looks pretty much like old bulimic days: eat-shit, eat-shit. eat some more-shit some more..... just now i didnt use any purge pills and really didnt know i will ever react so shitty literally to chocolate diet, was sure i will get cinstipated.

im really feeling strange. in a way am rested and all good, but there something missing. its missing feeling good about myself. but these days i havent reach a point when saw myself in the mirror and felt pretty pleasant, nah, was my own bugger. but did what i got to do. so i know from now on life will be easier but just now im so bored.
I am missing my boyfriend so much all I want to do now is call him and tell him I love him.
im not seeing him for xmas since hes coming over in february for six months and we decided i go to africa. not that africa isnt a good deal, hell nooo, africa is the best thing ever, but i am not sure how will i get trough without seeing my man.
it was our together decidion and i know it makes sense as we need money to live here and hes coming soon after ny, and africas cheap comparing to nz, but still, my heart is beating fast thinking of not coming to new zealand.
I want my man woth me, just wanna touch hisface and hold his hand, let him hold me tight.
Im so inlove with him. he is such a wise person, so calm and so focused. he is such an inspiration and so much trying to do thing right.
and the way he smiles and treats me and treats his friends, family and other people is just aaaaaaaaaaaaaah la  la la inlove!!!!!!
when close my eyes i see his face and i smile.
im the lucky one.
he got my heart.
he won bulimia.
he is my angle. 

I always look for a perfect song for him, for perfect quote, for perfect dress, perfect gift, perfect letter because i am sure he deserves no less than perfect. for a long time i struggled so so much believing im not good enough for him because I am not perfect but he changed it. he has actually made me feel i am good enough for him. Im far from perfect but so perfect. my love is honest. I ma donig my best and often go beyond and above my ego in the name of our love. it is so much worth it. it keeps me going. he gives me reason every day to kick my ass and move along. evry single day. and also when having all you can eat weekend he just smiles along ang tells me how beautiful i am.

Failure or treat

Im sutuck at home, indoor, keeping lazy and eating soft food.
as proper bulimic i have taken the doctor's advice about eating soft food very seriou, but other parts of his advice obviously not.
he told me to take care of my wound and to breath slowly, but it seems like i have been breathing too fast and so my blood bubble on my wound broke and now I again have a whole in my head and so it is getting infected. I think I am kind of in trouble but I still hear his voice saying: "eat soft and cold food for three weeks!"
meaning: "dont eat food you eat normaly!"
he didnt tell me I can breath between meals and so I am literally eating mostly non stop.
I brought several yogurts, spinach, pudings, chocolate and bananas.
all this seem to be a soft food, yes. especially chocolate.
so today I started my meal at 1pm and finished it at 5pm.
finished 150g chocolate, one vanilla puding, bowl of soup and bowl of spinach.
I can tell honestly I didnt need that much chocolate. It makes me sick even, because chocolate has been my lunch yesterday and a day before, both days 100g one.
but i enjoyed first piece of it, it melted so nicly in my mouth--soft food, aye!
soon, i had enough but i kept eating and the voice in my head was still saying: "eat soft food!"
so i told myself it is time for me to treat myself special so it doesnt matter if i eat that much chocolate and other sweet junk food. i seemed to be fine with my decidion and i continued enjoying it, but soon there was another voice in my head: "you bitch, your body will learn to get that much sugar everyday and you will need to eat chocolate also when you are going to be fine. who do you think you are, i am not dealing with your struggles. and your crying you are fat later. you better stop!"
I felt very sad, the voice is right.
i should stop. since wednesday i dont have regular meals, i, surviving on chocolate, yogurts and pudings.
it is not that i am eating enormous amounts of food but non of it is my safe food. oh, i even eat baby food, which used to be my binge food. at first it made me feel sick but later just makes me feel bad and guilty.
I had a control over my junk meals and thought i deserve a little bit of sweet treating but at the end of the day, I feel super guilty.
I want nice brown and shinny skin, not white fatty one and i am not getting the nice one if eating chocolates and baby foods.
i may be that my body just got reminded of the time when all this food was used for binging. I feel very unsafe.
today, while eating my 7th piece of chocolate and I felt like I cant take one more, i had a flash back: I used to didnt care when my body asked me to stop, i had that lethal piece and got so sick i went vomit. I really got scared so i put the res of the chocolate down and didnt continue. I fell asleep and ever since I havent ate.
with all that sweet food I will not get to recover well, it is not healthy.
my first thought when doctor advided me to eat soft food only was: "yaay i will lose weight!!!!" so sick aye.
that shouldnt be even a thought. but obviuosly i decided to fatten myself during my recovery and not slim down.
non of it should be an option, i should keep five meals a day and keep chocolate as a meal if needed.
I feel like Im letting myself down.
my body down.
i caused so much harm to my body and it is going trough this recovery now only because of me tourteting it with bulimia, but i still dont stop.
I told myself it is only a day, and at first i was fine with it but now when my body is filled up with sweets I feel like i ruined everything and that i have been eating sweets for months, not only for two days, one day especially.
i think I could do it much better.
i have had these days off and I am sure I could do it better.
well, honestly, i dont know what I mean because I my main goal from wednesday on was to take unlimited rest, catch up with my sleep and rest my body and my mind.
i did that.
i slept loads, felt good sleeping that mcuh, have been listening to my reggae all the time, got reinspired, got intouch with myself, did good art that even i was proud of and relearned I am an artist and all was good. I did exactly what I was planning to do.
but now, after my little binging day I feel like failur.
I actually dont know whether I have been treating myself special or I ended up being huge failure?
what is right?
what is bulimia in this story?
how to recognize bulimia? it is there, i know it is because I am getting mixed messages, so one of the mesagges isnt real. which one?

i keep feeling bad for my body, the skin is dry and my hair is dirty, i should take propercare of it and treat my body as well.
maybe thats a catch.
I took care of my mind, rested it well, spoiled it with good music and protected it from any thinking when doing art but lets be honest, apart from one long bath the orther day I didnt take good care of my body.
maybe everything is good and bulimia is only trying to tell me i should treat my body special too otherwise she will come and ruin everything.
maybe she is giving me a chance? haha i couldnt believe that would be an option but why else would she make me feel like faliure if actually took care of my mind?
ok thats a silly question, why else???? what do you think? because she is bulimia and she is here to make you feel bad, awful, ugly, useless etc no matter how good your deeds are.
but I have been in a good relationship with my bulimia....she has been back those days but she wasnt that aggressive so I have believed she 's being nice to me lol
I will try take care of my body and see what happens next. if that voice will still be present, i will kick bulimia's ass.

"take care of your body, that is the only place you have to live in!"

growing with bulimia

i finally got to sleep in but still havent woke up in a super good mood. i actually started crying pretty soon after I realized I am awake and after I felt my body. im in "i hate myself" mode.
I really need to take time, sleep trough and talk to my bulimia.
she wants something from me. maybe she wants me to give up, not sure, but i better listen up before she totally freaks out.
I am caugh in such weird feeling, where there's houndreds of thoughts on my mind but in a same time my head is emprty. im very easy to be upset, im in a bad mood, am grumpy and i see bad in everything and everyone. im so annoyed by people, im most of the time just "shut the fuuuuuck up!!!!!" i just wanna run away from everyone and hide in dark, quite room.
i have pretty good oportunity to do it these days when im on a sick leave.
i just wanna go back on a trac, calm myself down and get rid of that nasty "im ugly, fat, boring, lazy....................etc" thought.
i see sun now, im doing pretty well and so i think i forgot im still on a rehab, still struggling, and so now have been struggling for 3 weeks again and  I am just like "what the fuck is going on!?" not to think it is just bulimia fighting against my recovering. she doesnt like of course so thats her final call. but i needed my boyfriend to remind me it is bulimia. other people dont understand.
they just believe you can be fine or not fine. now im fine some time and not fine some time. sometime i get to enjoy the beautiful fall, but in a very next moment i am feeling depressed.
i txted my friend yesterday saying how i love fall, fresh air, colors, more honest relationships, rain, forg, sone, cocco, scarfs, cardigens, reggae.... and she said: "i wish i felt the same im so down low thesedays!" when i read her msg i was just  like: "oh am pretty down myself aswell but thats ok, when im feeling good, i love it!" i didnt say anything but thats how i felt. it is not just black or white. anyways.

next day:
wii hot my so needed 12 hour sleep huray.
and am just about to have another nap. that the life i need now.
im feeling much better tho because of my tooth i eat lots of chocolate and bananas and i spend lots of energy convincing myself its all good, i wont gain weight, but for two weeks i am only allowed to eat soft food. chocolate is soft, aye:)
I am so catching up with myself, listening to the reggea all day long, feeling the music, thinking of my africa, re-realizing africa is where my heart is coming from, where my heart belongs to. it is only place that trully makes me happy. i decited it is time for me to stop refusing it.
at one point, i needed to set up my priorities and I chose my relationship, but now when my relationship is going smoothly and i am pretty well, it is time for my beloved africa.
cant wait to see my kiddous and my friends. i miss them everyday more, so im about to head to africa for xmas. im not meeting my boyfriend this time, as he will be moving over for six months in february.
cant believe i will finally have him by myself without feeling the pressure of him leaving in few weeks time. my life is falling into places. very happy.
i am who i am and who i am i am good.
i am gypsy artist who loves reggae, africa, music, travels, writing, painting, dancing and teaching. i like my alternative, etno way of living life, I am sure now it is the right way for me and no mother and no father can take it away from me. friends that matter to me appreciate me the way i am, my boyfriend love the artist in me, so nothing else matters.
i am so happy i never gave up on my etno life style and always faught for it, and now, here i am, believeing i am living good. I aint bad.

i made birthday gift for my boyfriend, i am pretty happy with what came out. not bad at all and so I am happy. next week is my bday too, i love my bday!! i start counting down on october 1st but thistime i got busy with organizing my boyfriends present so bad i forgot about mine a little bit.
last year my bday meant nothing to me, i was stuck alone in the house, vomiting and hating myself. one bday before I was in africa so i was pretty the happiest, but this year it seems like i will have a good day and wont vomit. huray!!

i so badly needed these days off, so badly.
is not that i am super great, but at least i can devide happy from sad. when i am sad i am sad, when i am happy i am honestly happy.

i have been thinking a lot about bulimia last three weeks as i struggled a lot and i almost forgot how it feels when it takes control over you. thought of the time when i cheated on my boyfriend with bulimia, cheated the world with lies, cheated myself. thought of the time when i was stuck inside, too ashamed to go out because i believed am huge and ugly. how did i survive it, when i almost survive now, when i am stronger and know what is happening? bulimia is a huge huge addiction, huge illnes!
i never thought i will come that far, that was a fantasy for me. i never believed i will be able to stop vomiting and start eating normaly. when i got a program how to eat at  the clinic, i laughed out loud when read I need to eat carbos along with proteins and vitamins, i need to have five meals a day and not skip any even if i ate lots a meal before.
but it all came somehow. by an accident, when durnig my stay in new zealand I learned there are cookies still left if i dont finish them. i learned it is me who can contorl in. it was odd, i actually never made a decition to start eating regulary, but it jsut came after 5 months of rehab.
but now i am doing mybest to stay away from the truobles. it aint easy but somehow i manage to do it.
i have been thinking of everything i have ever tried just for a sake to stay well, to stay away from the toilet. sonce april this year i actually stopped shopping, i dont keep any food at home. i buy just what i need for a lunch or dinner. i only keep some bread, butter, jam, cerial, coffee, tea, milk, jogurts and sometimes i freez chicken. thats it. it keeps me safe. i eat everything tho. if i feel like chocolate, i go buy it, same with any other treats, but never buy them just for a case i will feel like treats.
i try to stay away from my family because i know i get the worse there. i still lie to them and steal food. i dont wanna do that. but over there i do, so last few weeks i stand up for myself and dont go over there, i dont hang out with people who make me feel bad in any way. but i still hit the ground often.

how to take care of yourself without feeling guilty is a big question.
i now feel sorry for my bulimia, i dont let her destroy me tho she trys so so hard.
i have been living with her for 13 year and now we are breaking up, i am sure she will miss me more than i will miss her. i picture bulimia in my head as a green monster with big eyes and fluffy arms and short legs. she used to be so giant but not she is getting shorter, every day. and those big eyes are begging me to keep ger alive. you know it is like killing a fly......your life will be mush much better without that annyoing fly buzzing around you and you ll get some sleep, but still,y ou just killed a fly. or a bee, or musquito or any little thing.
at least i cant kill those animals without feeling bad. i actually usually dont kill them but send them outside, but when i do, i feel shitty abit about it. and now i feel the same with killing bulimia.
bulimia tho has always been there for me, whenever people diappointed me, she was there, waiting for me. never left me alone. she became part of me, all of my decitions were made due to my bulimia. my whole life im living now is because of bulimia. without bulimia, i'd be different person, i wouldnt know as much as i know now, i wouldnt be that creative as i am now....im not saying i wouldnt be who i am at all, but i'd be different because there were so many many chances to take and i missed them because i was too ugly to go out, to attend the meeting, to go party, to meet new people, to go overseas....so many. and all of those lost chances would bring different experiance. and now im pretty happy with mylife.
with who i am and what i have.
when theres no bulimia around, i appreciate my relationship, friendship, job, expreiances so so much I would never change a thing. but when bulimia comes, i wanna change every single thing about myself. starting with a face.

is it strange i kind of feel grateful to grew with bulimia?
bulimia recovery showed me who i really am, have woken me up almost fully and made me much better person. i understand people more now, nature more, life more. i keep faith and hope and cant wait to be trully trough, but so far i know there are uniqe benefits came out of my bulimia battle.
I would never knew things i know now, could ntver treat my boyfriend the way i treat him now, and not even friends, i know that, i am so much more patience now and patience is the key to healthy relation-friendship and to the healthy self relationship. giving time and understanding someone else's emotions is the biggest treasure that not everyone can find it and so i am glad i am the one who did find it even tho it took me so so soooooo long but i am sure i will win the bulimia for good and there will only be an experiance.

makes me think: dont hate your eating disorders. try use it for your benefits. i am sure we have ED because we are inteligent and becase we feel world around us so much more than other people, which gives us some beauty and coming out of such struggle, im sure we cant be anything but beautiful peolple.

think of your teeth before you vomit next time.

survived the surgery but with my luck it wasnt an easy one and now its a hard and boring recovery ahead of me.
I will tell you a story about my teeth since I could still have it today if I didnt have bulimia.
my teeth were always very health, i was never afraid of dentist and always let him to do his job. i took pain and that noisy dentist sound never scared me away. i was even so obssesed i would brush my teeth after every meal, even so small.
all these years with bulimia, my teeth were pretty well, but when the last episode of bulimia came back, that was three years ago, my teeth started breaking, literally breaking. poof: and the crown was in two or three pieces. everytime I went to the dentist complaining about my odd teeth his first question was: are you having ED?
so obvious, aye?
but i never really cared.
tho when he told me for a first time three of my teeth should be pulled out, I kind of woke up!
NO! Im keeping them!
"you cant! the roots are dead!"
cry cry cry!!!
i remember beginng my dentist to save my teeth. I was willing to stop vomiting just to keep my teeth.
he decited to treat two of them, but one needs to be pulled out.
this one has a special story. before my last visit in new zealand i had dentist appointment and that one looked the healthiest out of three sick teeth. but on my way to new zealand during my dinner, suddenly feeling in my mouth changed. what the fuck? i pulled my tooth out (crown). i felt like I have not even one tooth left, so emberasing! soooo emberaasing. i didnt tell my boyfriend. but feeling was ugly and awful.
i spent first two weeks of my new zealand time visiting doctors, dentists were my fave ones. pains were to big to handle. i remember crying like a baby, tho i can take lots of the pain. when i got my appointment, also kiwi dentist didnt need long time to realize im bulimic.
when made it back home i set up the day for surgery, which was today.
pretty much routine one, and I had 10 months time to get used to live without one tooth, also i made peace with myself i will have a fake tooth.
i know that is the price of my long life bulimia and i know i am pretty lucky many many girls lose whole bunch of teeth because of bulimia.
but.
the unlucky tooth is the tooth 6 up left, procedure was comlicated and now my problem is that the canal between my chew and sinus is wide open and so I need to avoid any hard work in next three weeks, no sports, no fast breathing, no drinking with a straw, no sneezing, no warm food.
i need to keep stiches in for three weeks, got droppes for my nose and got antibiotics.
i am starving today and this bloody wound hurts like hell.
I count help myself not to think about all this is because of my bulimia.
ache, pain, no tooth....aaah yucky!
think of your teeth before you vomit next time!

thats one of my regrets. no nice teeth I always had any more.

rest!

I am e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d!!!!
Only four-day sleep can save me now!
My body is shaking, so tired it is. I cant take one more step. I cant get enough sleep and my mind is overloaded, I dont know which day is it, I counted October 7th twice, literally faught with anyone who claimed Monday was the 8th and not the 7th.
When I wake up in the morning I am a zomby, I make myself a coffee literally asleep. I am lost in space.
I lost a grip and I think I am working and doing too much, not taking any rest, not spending any quality time with myself. I dont take care of myself or I struggle so much to do basic things with my body.
I dont take proper showers, I just quickly wash myself. My hair were dirty for so long time before I finally had time to wash my hair and dry them up.
not to whine, I know I am not the only one busy on the world, but I am full time busy and full time on a rehab. Since I have been told my boyfriend cheated on me which caused huge emotional schock, I seem to run away from my emotions now. if I can get busy, I will set up new thing on my agenda just to keep busy and so I dont have time to dig through my emotions.
Tomorrow Im having dental surgery - price of 12 year bulimia - and so I wont go to work for at least two days. It is not that I dont like my wokk, but I am so so excited about those two days off, to stay at home, do nothing and just be!
today at work one teacer asked me if I get any time off during the day, I said no. she was like NO NO No!!!! "you MUST have an hour off!!! dont use your body up!" she said.
I always say I cant keep my kids alone as they can struggle much and get naughty. but I think she is right. I am dedicating myself to them, I am 100% at all times and not only for my kids, for the whole school.
I have a reprutation of the best and the nicest teacher tho, I won harts of practicly all the kids, but I am still tired.
not during the day tho, I feel powerful and also when I come home, I actually feel very good and I have lots of energy from my kids, but honestly, there is no time for my rehab if I am too tired and not organized with my time. And not being 100% dedicated to myself, I cant win my bulimia. and there is also my social life, my relationship and my friends.
Oh well, I have been doing pretty well before I went offroad three weeks ago and I better go back, before is too late.

when I lay down to my bed, i feel my body aching and screaming: "stoooooooop!!! let me reeeeest. give me some healthy meals, give me some sleep, just shut up and give me a break!!!"
my back hurts, my legs hurts, my shoulders hurts, my head hurts, my everythiiiiiiiiiing hurts so bad!!!

I need to stop and go back to breathing only.
I need to go back to taking care of myself, my body and my mind.
I need to.
I am excited about that times, but first I need good quality sleep!

Reeeeeeeeeeeest!!!!!!
leave me alone. let me be in quitness and darkness, I need a rest!

but I seem to cross the line already.
I feel like I have to do something at all times, otherwise that voice in my head calls me LAZY!!
until last day it called me FAT, but then I put my throusers on and they were too big, so for that cheap reason I got happy and didnt feel fat any more, but since then, I have been called lazy.
Voice wants me to keep on going.
do this and this and this and go there and there and do that and that and stay awake and shower and clean up and go horse riding and meet your friend and get ready for tomorrow and go to the therapy and do some crafts and go shopping and aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!! fucker!!!
leave me alone!
I am not lazy, I am not lazy, I am not lazy!!!

I will totally go sleep at 8 today.
(to my face, I will not be able to miss my boyfriend!)

but my new tip for you: before you freak out, get rest!